Sales Page missing that 'POP'

12 replies
Hi all,

My sales page seems to be getting lukewarm responses and I can't quite figure out what else to say. Personally I thought it had good power of persuasion but my weak sales say differently.

I didn't think it was that bad but I've finally accepted (painfully) that a good writer does not automatically make a good copywriter. The link is

[7/8/2010 - I took the letter down to be redone- Thanks ]

I'm certainly not asking anyone to take a lot of time out of their day for a full critique, but if you could just give me your general feel. Is it too long, not long enough, unclear benefits etc. Perhaps the sales page is fine but I just need to rev up the traffic?

Thanks in advance for your time and opinions.
#missing #page #pop #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Hesster
    This is a product selling a system that ends writer's block to internet marketers, correct? Now, I'm by no means an expert, and IM is not really my preferred niche, but here's my feedback: the whole thing is too wordy. Edit ruthlessly.

    Your headline is too long. You've got a prehead, a 28 word headline in multiple font sizes, and then no less than three subheads before they get into the actual start of the letter. Plus one of those subheads is 24 words long. The start of the letter isn't even above the fold.

    The body copy is full of run on sentences. Example:

    "Some people are lucky enough to catch a really good freelance newcomer out to prove themselves but most of the time you get either an obviously rehashed PLR or some crap with the sentence structure of a 1st grade book report. If you were unlucky enough to get the 1st grade book report you now you have to spend time reworking it into something you won’t be ashamed to give your readers."

    That first sentence has more than forty words in it. The second one is over thirty. Comprehension drops off sharply after 12 words.
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    • Originally Posted by Hesster View Post

      This is a product selling a system that ends writer's block to internet marketers, correct? Now, I'm by no means an expert, and IM is not really my preferred niche, but here's my feedback: the whole thing is too wordy. Edit ruthlessly
      Thank you so much for your insight. I wish I knew what the sweet spot was. The last Sales page was too short. Some folks say long copy while other say short and sweet. I'm definitely going to pare down the above the fold activity.

      While I was creating the page I couldn't decide whether it looked "exciting" or "nerve racking busy" but taking your comments into account I'm leaning towards busy and it needs to be fixed. Thanks!
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      • Profile picture of the author Hesster
        Originally Posted by ingeniousaffiliate View Post

        Thank you so much for your insight. I wish I knew what the sweet spot was. The last Sales page was too short. Some folks say long copy while other say short and sweet. I'm definitely going to pare down the above the fold activity.

        While I was creating the page I couldn't decide whether it looked "exciting" or "nerve racking busy" but taking your comments into account I'm leaning towards busy and it needs to be fixed. Thanks!
        It's like that question someone supposedly asked Abraham Lincoln: "How long should a man's legs be?" He answered, "Long enough to reach the ground." Your copy should be long enough to answer all of the questions and counter all the objections that a prospect could have about your product at that point in the sale. And not one word longer. Respect your reader's time.

        Personally, I'm a big fan of Joe Sugarman's slippery slope technique. A short headline that immediately leads into a short first sentence. Which in turn naturally flows to a second and third. Don't overwhelm the reader with long sentences to start with. Your first priority is to get them reading. Get that inertia ball rolling. Once they are drawn in, then they are ready to start reading longer sentences. But I would scrutinize anything longer than 16 words. Nine times out of ten, it can be split up.
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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hesster's spot on with what he says: The start of your page is overwhelming. You've got italics, underlining, bolding, highlighting and a mix of serif and sans-serif fonts - it's overkill. Plus your header doesn't add anything.

    Shorten your sentences and paragraphs, you want to make the page as easy and fast to read as possible. Remove any word that's not 100% essential.

    Your wicked disease subhead seems a little odd and way to wordy. I'd shorten it to something like "... You End Up Staring At A Blank Screen" and then follow straight on from it in the body copy.

    I'd mention that the cheap freelancers are generally not native English speakers.

    Scrap your clip-art picture.

    Go into more detail about what's in your book, why I would want to buy it, why I would want to buy it from you. How does it benefit me?

    Spread your testimonials out, shorten them to just the most relevant bits, give them a headline and put them on a different color background to help them stand out.

    The long copy vs. short copy argument, as far as I can see, is nonsense. Your copy needs to be exactly as long as it takes to sell your product. Sometimes that might take 1 page, sometimes 20 pages. It depends on the product and the market.
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    Andrew Gould

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    • Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post


      Scrap your clip-art picture.
      Hey I really liked that picture, it wasn't plain ol clip art...it was redesigned clip art. But At least you didn't say the copy sucked completely and that I should scrap the whole thing. There may be hope for me yet. .

      Hey thanks a lot. I took a lot of the advice given by you and Hesster and made some changes. I'm going to let the page "cure" for a few hours and see what else I can see.

      Thanks a ton, you've helped a great deal!
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  • Profile picture of the author JasonParker
    Split test it up.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    I don't think it's too long (although, as Hesster said, your paragraphs can definitely be broken up).

    In fact... I think your page is too short... missing a lot of crucial elements.

    But I think your biggest problem is you're not selling with the right angle.

    No one wants to create content - they want the benefits that may bring.

    Customers... money... leads... success... recognition...

    Whatever.

    In short... sell the sizzle... not the steak.

    I also suggest getting your hands on "The Ultimate Sales Letter" or something - you're missing some important elements that'll hurt sales (such as price justification etc).

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    There is quite a bit that needs to be improved for this sales letter.

    The very first thing I noticed though was the headline:

    Booorrringgg! (no offense intended)



    You want a headline that really grab attention and makes someone compelled to read on.


    Has there ever been a time in your life where you

    Read something
    Watch something
    Heard something

    Maybe it was a TV commerical or the title of a new book or even an email someone sent you...

    And it made you go:


    "Man! I have to read this or it's going to drive me crazy."

    or

    "Oh wow! That's exactly what I need/ want to find out!"

    Great headlines hit those two buttons typically for me.


    A great headline can increase conversions exponentially so I would focus on that headline first and formost.


    Think of your headline and bullets as mini trailers to a movie; each one is designed to make you want to see the movie more everytime you watch them.

    It's not a bland presentation.

    It's a emotional rollercoaster blended with some simple logical points.

    Then focus on adding more...

    Daniel Scott's correct. There are a lot of aspects missing from your sales letter.

    I would recommend looking at your competition and seeing how they structure things a bit.

    Maybe get some material on copywriting. There's a great sticky on courses and books people recommend.


    There are a lot of parts to a sales letter and each one is carfeully crafted for a desired effect.

    Headline
    Your offer
    Your hook / USP
    Your opening
    Your promise
    Your proof

    And so much more.


    I again agree with Daniel Scott on the fact I think your page needs to be longer.

    My 2 cents.
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  • Based on my interpretation of the advice given here I've changed letter a few times throughout the day but I think I'm making it worse.

    So I'll stick to what I know, which is building products and I'll let someone else sell them.

    Thanks again for the tips, I really appreciate it.
    Signature
    The S.C.A.M. PRODUCT CREATION METHOD
    Completely White Hat - Check it out
    ------------------------------
    Make your customers an offer they can't refuse! - FREE WSO
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    • Profile picture of the author JasonParker
      Originally Posted by ingeniousaffiliate View Post

      Based on my interpretation of the advice given here I've changed letter a few times throughout the day but I think I'm making it worse.

      So I'll stick to what I know, which is building products and I'll let someone else sell them.

      Thanks again for the tips, I really appreciate it.
      That's why you always split test...

      Take what you have and put it in an A/B split test.

      If you don't split test, then you'll never know if the changes you're making are helping or not.
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