*REVISED* Sales Letter For My Offline Business - What Do You Think?

12 replies
Fellow Warriors,
After the incredible feedback I received from you with my first attempt at a sales letter I am posting my "new and improved" letter for your review.

I incorporated much of the advice that was offered to me so generously in an earlier post.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions on how I can improve this sales letter.

I attached a pdf of the letter so you can see formatting.

Here is the letter.


A New Car Care Program That Is So Incredible It Will Make Your Neighbors Green With Envy!
Dear [customer name];
"I want you to find a way to make it impossible for me to ever think about taking my car somewhere else for service."
This challenge came to me from a very loyal Everest customer. Sadly her statement was made immediately following her need for an engine replacement after a visit to a quick lube shop. She didn't know it at the time but she gifted me with the motivation to develop an exclusive customer benefit that will completely change the entire concept of car care as you know it.

Better, Quicker, Cheaper And Easier Car Care

It took me almost a full year of research and development to come up with what I believe is the most groundbreaking innovation in car care since the invention of the tow truck.

Without further ado I introduce you to the most exciting thing I have been involved with since Tonya and I opened our shop 5 years ago:

Car Care 2.0

Car Care 2.0 is an invitation-only and all-inclusive annual car care membership that takes the old slogan "Membership has its Privledges" and cranks it up to 11! We named it Car Care 2.0 because this program provides members with a total upgrade over the current way of keeping your vehicle serviced.


Just Imagine Being Able To:
  • Eliminate the worry of an unexpected car break down
  • Forget about the dread of huge and unpredictable repair bills
  • Easily budget for all of your car care expenses
  • Always drive a vehicle that is perfectly maintained and reliable
  • Spend less time at the repair shop and more time getting to where you need to go


...And that's just for starters!

I Know A Shop Using A Similar Concept For Years With A Near 100% Member Renewal Rate And A 10 Year Waiting List. The Only Way A Spot Opens Up Is If A Member Moves Or Passes Away!


And Not Only That, But:
  • Members get all their car care COVERED 100%. All parts and fluids, all labor and all diagnostics
  • Members SAVE up to 20% on annual car care expenses
  • Members get a 300,000 mile Limited Powertrain Warranty
  • Members get FREE 24/7 Roadside Assistance - including towing


A Plan Like This Must Cost A Fortune, Right?
Actually this plan is more reasonable than you might think. Many individual car parts can cost more than the entire annual membership fee.
Domestic Vehicles: $995 Annually per enrolled vehicle
Aisan Vehicles: $995 Annually per enrolled vehicle

European Vehicles : $1395 Annually per enrolled vehicle

Members pay just one fee each year and get to put all of their car care worries and concerns on cruise control. When you add all of the maintenance and repair coverage and the total peace of mind of knowing your vehicle is always in perfect running condition this program is the deal of a lifetime!

"Is there a catch?" Yes There Is A Catch And Here It Is...

This offer is limited to the first 200 people who sign up. More than 1,000 invitations were sent at the same time as this one. Membership will be limited because the program is so new and unique that I don't want it to grow too quickly. People who try to sign-up after we reach our first 200 members will be placed on a waiting list and will be first in line for future memberships if we decide to expand the program in the future.

People who sign up for this exclusive group will recieve the following items
with their paid membership:
#1:Car Care 2.0 Membership Kit
Your membership kit will contain a member sticker for your rear window, a custom key chain, a contract outlining your benefits in more detail, access to a members-only website and (if I can make it happen in time) a very special surprise.#2:Exclusivity
This is an invitation only program. Unless your friends and neighbors are currently loyal Everest AutoWorks customers they will not have the opportunity to join this program. In fact, I urge you to downplay your member benefits because if others find out what you have then you can be sure there is going to be some extreme jealousy when they find out they can't have what you have. #3:NASCAR Ride and Drive Tickets valued at $595!
2 tickets will be up for grabs for new members. A drawing will be held in August for a seat behind the wheel of a real NASCAR race car. Winners will get to drive at speeds up to 160MPH around Pocono Raceway in Pennsylvania. Of course a rush like this is not for everyone so winners can give the tickets away as a very valuable and special gift.

You will love being a Car Care 2.0 Member - OR I WILL REFUND 100% of your membership fees!
I am so confident that you will absolutely fall in love with this refreshing and unique method of car care that anyone can rescind their membership anytime prior to their first vehicle service as a member. You will get a full 100% refund of your membership dues.

Only 200 memberships are available and we expect interest in this program to be very high. Memberships will be issued on a first come first served basis. Please read the enclosed pamphlet for instructions on signing up and reserve your spot as soon as you can. In the interest of fairness all invitations were mailed at the same time on the same day.


Sincerely, Christian Porter - Owner


P.S. My goal with this new program is to make car care so stress-free and effortless that it will be impossible for you to ever consider taking your car anywhere else for service. Years from now I suspect you will wonder how you ever lived with the old car care process.


P.S.S. DO NOT WORRY if your membership request is too late or you have no interest in joining. Everest will still provide the same honest and dependable car care for you that we always have. Non-members will not be treated any differently than they already are. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A CAR CARE 2.0 MEMBER TO CONTINUE HAVING YOUR VEHICLE SERVICED AT EVEREST.
#business #letter #offline #revised #sales
  • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
    Hey Christian,

    Looks like an improvement on your last effort. However I think you can still do better...

    * Is the reason someone would sign-up for this, to make their neighbors green with envy? I doubt it. Peace of mind and value for money are surely the main motivators here, so I'd change your headline accordingly.

    * I'd open with something like - "What she said was like a punch in the gut..." - just to frame the quote. It's a little confusing to start with the quote, without any sort of reference.

    * This whole paragraph is a hassle to read and a little confusing...

    This challenge came to me from a very loyal Everest customer. Sadly her statement was made immediately following her need for an engine replacement after a visit to a quick lube shop. She didn't know it at the time but she gifted me with the motivation to develop an exclusive customer benefit that will completely change the entire concept of car care as you know it.
    Could be a little more conversational...

    ----------

    "What did she mean? Let me explain...

    Everest customer Belinda needed a simple oil change, but unfortunately she was in a hurry and I was booked for weeks in advance. So she went to one of those [oil & lube change] franchises.

    What could go wrong?

    How a $30 oil change turned into a $500 engine problem!

    etc"

    ----------

    I know as this is in print you need to keep it tight, but you also need to make sure you sink the hooks in. The "reason why" you're offering this is important I think.

    * You don't do yourself any favors talking about the other guy that offers this. I thought it was unique? However some of that copy is pretty good, you should recycle it - "Listen, I'm going to make this so good, people are going to be on the waiting list for years!" etc

    * "Domestic and Asian Vehicles $995..." gives you an extra line for copy.

    * Be specific when you are putting the price in perspective... "a new radiator could cost $1,200" or whatever.

    * "Members get a 300,000 mile Limited Powertrain Warranty" - is this not amazing? You could make more of a deal about it and explain exactly what it is. If I'm right Hyundai do 100K and position themselves as the best warranty in America...

    * "If I can make it happen in time" doesn't do much for your credibility. I think a key chain and a sticker are fairly minor reasons why someone would buy this anyway. A lot of mailers give away key chains and stickers just to get their letters read these days.

    Anyway, I aught to get ready for work.

    Bottom line, needs to be a little tighter and flow a little better I think. Still a bit awkward right now, but getting better.

    Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    A New Car Care Program That Is So Incredible It Will Make Your Neighbors Green With Envy!
    'Incredible' in what way? It doesn't really say anything about the product.
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      • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
        My experience has been if your going to sell a 'Preventative type product" you need to hammer home the PAIN.

        Pull out a bottle of Jack slice their leg wide open and pour.

        Of course what your selling makes sense... But so does going to the doctor and taking care of your health but barely anyone does it.

        If you've ever seen that one weird show Intervention you'll see how this works and that it indeed DOES work.

        The purpose of an intervention is to "Bring the bottom up" so rather than being death where the addiction ends family and friends define an "Imaginary bottom" by saying "This is how bad it's going to get if you don't get help"

        You need to do the same thing for your customers. You need to bring the bottom up from "Dead car" to "This is what could happen if you don't sign up for my club..."

        It's basic human Psychology most people won't pay to "Stay healthy" but they'll fork over thousands to "not die".

        But what do I know anyway...
        Signature
        If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

        >>>> This <<<<

        Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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        • Profile picture of the author cjp231
          Christian I like your creativity and foresight,

          I am a car guy. I happen to do my own auto repairs and save a ton of money.



          I have trouble seeing the viability of someone paying $80+ every month to service their vehicle. I would do an inventory of your current customers and find out how many of them drive cars that are over 5 years old. Because if their car is under 5 years old and in some cases 10 years old they are still under the manufacturer's warranty. If they are still under warranty it wouldn't make sense to buy your service.

          In my opinion most people who drive vehicles that are 5+ years old are happy to be done with monthly payments and would be reluctant to sign up for an $80 a month payment.

          Here's what I think you should be doing

          I suggest doing a fluid/filters/wiper/belts servicing package for $19.00 a month. You could also include 20% off labor for any future repairs (as long as they are a member).

          People generally get an oil change once every 3-5 months. So you get $60.00-$100.00 ($19 X 3 or 5) for each oil change and servicing job . Plus you turn people into 100% loyal customers. Because they are paying for a 20% off labor discount, they will come to you first with any future repairs. This is truly Win-Win. As long as you are offering competitive prices you will get 100% of their business.

          Here is a true story that will put money in your pockets

          My wife and I paid for an unlimited front end alignment servicing package with a local repair shop. So now every-time we get our oil change we have to take it there so they can adjust the front end...Because of other issues I no longer like this shop. However, we still get oil changes there because I have this stupid front end alignment package. Make sense?

          You may even want to sell a membership that gives 20% off all labor for a fixed price. or any of the following individually or packaged.

          Lifetime front end alignments
          Lifetime tire rotations
          Lifetime brake servicing
          Lifetime air condition servicing
          etc...

          Also, I anytime I did a repair or servicing job for a member I would give them a receipt. That receipt would prove they are getting a steal on their servicing/repairs. I would be honest and show them what they would normally be charged for today's service but fortunately it's completely covered by their membership.

          Give them a receipt that looks similar to this:

          $108.00 Parts
          $ 38.00 Labor
          $ 11.76 Tax
          ________________
          $ 158.76
          - $ 158.76 Covered By Membership
          $ 0.00 Total

          That makes you feel all warm a fuzzy inside and it would create great word of mouth. It almost feels like you got $158.76 worth of servicing for FREE.

          It's the same concept as going on an ocean cruise and getting to eat all you for "FREE" (never mind the fact that your cruise cost $1000.00+ and you can only eat $300.00 worth of food in 4 days).

          Just my 2 cents
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          • Profile picture of the author Mr. Subtle
            Why don't you just mail the d@mn letter out and see what kind of result you get?

            You're selling a $995 product... so to test 1,000 letters. It's going to cost you between $500-$750 to get them into the mail. You only need 1 sale to make the mailing profitable.

            If you can't get 1 sale from 1,000 letters sent... a whoppin' 1/10th of 1 percent then quit f*@kin' around and hire someone. A 1/2 of 1% response rate from a 1,000 letters will get you almost $5k in sales and you're d*ckin' around trying to write it yourself and not willing to pay a "Vin Montello" whatever he(she) asks for a letter that will generate sale after sale with each and every mailing.

            Your letter, as it now reads, I predict won't get a single sale. (Prove me wrong... please.)
            Signature

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            • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
              Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle View Post

              Why don't you just mail the d@mn letter out and see what kind of result you get?

              You're selling a $995 product... so to test 1,000 letters. It's going to cost you between $500-$750 to get them into the mail. You only need 1 sale to make the mailing profitable.

              If you can't get 1 sale from 1,000 letters sent... a whoppin' 1/10th of 1 percent then quit f*@kin' around and hire someone. A 1/2 of 1% response rate from a 1,000 letters will get you almost $5k in sales and you're d*ckin' around trying to write it yourself and not willing to pay a "Vin Montello" whatever he(she) asks for a letter that will generate sale after sale with each and every mailing.

              Your letter, as it now reads, I predict won't get a single sale. (Prove me wrong... please.)
              Why're you holding back? Just tell him what you think.
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      • Profile picture of the author cporter88
        Originally Posted by MarkAndrews IMCopywriting View Post

        The time taken to get this perfect, to rewrite it over and over again could be time better spent doing what you do best, getting on with your business.

        Personally, I think it will be a lot more advantageous for you financially to simply give this copywriting job to one of the Warrior Copywriters here who can nail it down for you, first time round.

        This will allow you to concentrate on the core part of your business and will stop you worrying about getting this just right.

        Best,


        Mark Andrews...
        Mark,
        You are so right! I hired 2 local copywriters based on recommendations from others. I fired them both for countless reasons but it set me back quite a bit financially so I am having to give it a go on my own.

        I have had to learn the hard way that all my copywriting needs can be fulfilled by fellow Warriors. I didn't find out about this forum until it was too late for me.

        I must say that this exercise has been a great learning experience for me and it has helped me to learn far more about writing copy than anything I have ever done before. I can't complain about that.

        All the help people have given me has been very much appreciated. And when I am finished with this letter I will be much more prepared for future projects.
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  • Profile picture of the author Hesster
    I think you need to rethink your offer. Where's the incentive to spend $1000-$1400 a year on this?

    If their car is under 3 years and 36,000 miles, people can buy an extended warranty up to 7 years or 100,000 miles through their car manufacturer. That usually runs $1000 to $1500 depending on what kind of car they have and what option they pick. Even if they don't have an extended warranty, most manufactures have powertrain warranties that last until around 60,000 miles. Some even longer.

    If they can't get an extended warranty and the powertrain warranty has run out, $1000 is still the cost of a major repair. Most vehicles are not going to need major repairs every year. At that price point, most people are just going to take their chances.

    My car is 3 years old, and it has yet to require anything other than oil and air filter changes. If I did have a car that required $1000 in service every year, I'd be buying a new car. Hell, the 7 year old Toyota I sold at 140,000 didn't need that much.

    I think you would do better selling a package of service to a wider audience for a lesser price. Something like 1 year of scheduled maintenance + free towing + a percentage reduction on the cost of labor.

    I'd spend $200-$300 a year for something like four oil changes and an alignment or brake job, free towing to the shop, and a 20% reduction on labor for other repairs. Most people won't be towing their car in or need major repairs, so beyond the cost for the oil changes and alignment/brake job, that's money you get to keep.

    Give the first XX number of people who sign up an incentive like an extra oil change or month on the plan. Even better, see if you can work out a cross promotional deal with another nearby business your customers would be interested in. When they sign up, they get a free coupon for whatever service from the local spa/salon/nail shop.

    Work the numbers until they come out to where you can still make a profit even if someone does have an engine that blows up, but the customer still feels like they're saving money. Keep in mind that if you can get them under a deal like this, they'll be coming to you and not to some other mechanic.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Christian,

    Good job. A couple of comments.

    1. I had thought you had focused on women. Where's the references?

    2. If you send the letter out as is, sure you can test. But I think it will massively under perform. It's not the letter, it's the state of the economy.

    I have an autobody shop as a Client. I can tell you for a fact people things they have to do. And things they can do for the least amount of money. Like paintless dent removal.

    3. I am not telling you to abandon. I am telling you to justfy the price and make it an irresistible offer--an offer they can't refuse. And target your market.

    4. The last thing is to get them into the shop and experience your service either before or as soon after they sign up under this program. They want to experience the feeling of having their care cared for like a baby. Show them. Demonstrate.

    5. The last thing is that you may want to consider having the letter come from Tonya and her perspective.

    This project is not about the quality of the copywriting, although the comments have been great. This about marketing and there needs to be a process for you to close these folks on a $1000+ sale they can not consume at the moment. It's like buying an insurance policy.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Quick little idea to keep the customer relationship taunt: On your customer's birthday, send a card and inside is couple of bucks. You handwrite, "Here's a couple of bucks--buy yourself an ice cream cone." The women will eat this up. No pun intended.
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  • Profile picture of the author gxwarr
    I don't know if anyone pointed this out yet but a spell-check is definitely needed. I found 2 spelling errors by just skimming the page.

    Privileges is spelled wrong:
    "Membership has its Privledges" and cranks it up to 11!
    And Asian is spelled wrong

    Aisan Vehicles: $995 Annually per enrolled vehicle

    European Vehicles : $1395 Annually per enrolled vehicle
    Spelling is very important at least to me. I wouldn't take an ad seriously for that reason alone.

    Im also not sure I understand the "and cranks it up to 11!" part either. You didnt establish a scale of 1 to 10 to compare it to if thats what that means.
    Signature

    Inspirational Marketing
    http://www.gxwarr.com

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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Too hyped, too poorly formatted, too absurd.

    And $995 anually? Gimme a break. I get bumper to bumper roadside service 24/7 for a fraction of that.

    Also, false scarcity and all the other typical tired marketing tricks = fail.
    Signature
    * Stupid Offer: Killer Sales Letters ***$897*** Just For Warriors. Ethical Clients & Legit Products Only. *
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