Critique my first ever sales page

16 replies
Hey warriors, I have written my first ever sales page for my ebook in the relationship niche.

My prospect is a boyfriend who struggles to find topics to talk to his girlfriend.

I am selling an ebook for just 7$ so it's a very short sales letter. I know it has some missing elements,but the thing is its my first so I was really excited to share and get feedback.

Before reviewing I want to tell you that I have written this in just 22 minutes, so you know... its kind of a structure.

I would love to have your feedback on whether its OK for a newbie or it completely sucks...

Here is the link Discover Things to talk about with your girlfriend- Never worry about what to say to your girlfriend ever again
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Hesster
    OK, first thing your headline doesn't read well. It's like two headlines smooshed together.

    Second, twist the emotional screws and make them squirm. Make them feel the pain of not knowing the right thing to say to the girl of their dreams. Make them think of the heartbreak of their girlfriend dumping them for the suave, articulate stranger who always knows just what to say. Like this:


    Sure it's a cartoon, but try to get the reader feeling like Donald. Then tell them your product will save them from this pain.

    Third, this letter needs a lot of proofreading. There's no such word as advices. Like deer and sheep, the word advice is both singular and plural. I think loser is the word you're looking for. Looser is the opposite of tighter.

    The length of the sales letter shouldn't depend on the price of the product. There have been loooong sales letters written for products that were given away for free. While there's more room for error at lower price points due to the lower cost, you should sell a $7 product just as hard as a $700 product.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I doubt there's much of a market for something like this. People usually need help in talking to prospective partners. But once they've gotten to the stage where they call the person a 'girlfriend' conversation shouldn't be an issue.

    I got a kick out of the 'Underground Tactics' thingy in your headline. Doesn't seem to be something that really fits with this but who knows? Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by travlinguy View Post

      I doubt there's much of a market for something like this. People usually need help in talking to prospective partners. But once they've gotten to the stage where they call the person a 'girlfriend' conversation shouldn't be an issue.
      This is the most important point raised so far - does anyone actually want what you're selling?

      If there is a market then you need to rethink the whole approach to your copy, and maybe even your product. No-one's going to buy a product about how to talk to your girlfriend. But plenty of people might buy a product about how to keep your girlfriend.

      In terms of the content of your page you're missing one of the most important elements of copy - why should I buy from YOU?
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      • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
        Originally Posted by Andrew Gould View Post

        This is the most important point raised so far - does anyone actually want what you're selling?

        If there is a market then you need to rethink the whole approach to your copy, and maybe even your product. No-one's going to buy a product about how to talk to your girlfriend. But plenty of people might buy a product about how to keep your girlfriend.

        In terms of the content of your page you're missing one of the most important elements of copy - why should I buy from YOU?
        Andrew this exact keyword "things to talk about with your girlfriend" gets 3000 visitors per month and there are some articles written too on this topic.

        I have read some people asking advice on "what to do not to run out of things to talk" and "how to start the conversation".
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        • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
          Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

          Andrew this exact keyword "things to talk about with your girlfriend" gets 3000 visitors per month and there are some articles written too on this topic.
          Your statement is true. And... there's not a single Adsense ad on the page. That, my friend, is a very bad sign. Even the most unique niches have some competition. Still, I wish you the best.
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        • Profile picture of the author activetrader
          Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

          Andrew this exact keyword "things to talk about with your girlfriend" gets 3000 visitors per month and there are some articles written too on this topic.
          This may be true, and yet just look what comes up on the first page of Google - some squidoo lenses and ezinearticles; perhaps yahoo answers will pop up; read the comments left on those articles; they are left by teenagers, by 14-y.o boys who are unlikely to have credit cards or paypal accounts.

          P.S. This is the kind of quesiton my 6 y.o. son would ask (he thinks he has a girlfriend on his swim team)
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  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Keep them coming warriors
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    • Profile picture of the author bizfox
      Add more testimonials

      Add photos
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  • Profile picture of the author mingrelian
    You need to use your fonts a lot more creatively. The overall effect is dull and doesn't grab the attention. A lot of the copy could be in a larger/bolder font. You need to use colour/bold/font changes to emphasise the benefit bullet points, for instance - at the moment they are just lost in the mass.

    Take a look at other sales pages, and check out the source code to see if you can identify the fonts and the colours they use. Sales pages have been studied and tweaked to death, and it's not a coincidence that so many of them look the same. People have figured out that certain fonts, styles and colours work better than others to grab the attention and keep people reading.
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  • Profile picture of the author 2d0k
    Put some color into it, it looks dull with only red and black fonts.. Perhaps, you can place an image relating to the product that you are offering.. A single picture speaks a thousand words, a cliche but true.. My two cents..
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  • Profile picture of the author ivanadee
    my friend...
    1.use border...it will create a better look (I think ^_^)
    2.emphasize your $7
    3. add "buy now" button?
    4. add related and attractive pic
    5.testimonial will be great
    hope it helps
    good luck
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  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Thanks warriors I'll tweak and test the color combination and fonts. I would like to hear more about the content itself,

    Do you think that this content can be tweaked and made into a sales letter that converts anywhere from 0.5%-1%.
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  • Profile picture of the author Anoopchawla
    Hun... lets see, for now I am focusing on practicing copywriting. So do you think I can write copy for my products
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

      Hun... lets see, for now I am focusing on practicing copywriting. So do you think I can write copy for my products
      To be blunt, no.

      Your English isn't good enough and you need a better understanding of copywriting.

      But if you dedicate enough time to studying and practicing then you will get there.

      You won't get everything you need on this forum, even if you get a couple of serious critiques of your copy you still wouldn't have all the necessary foundational knowledge.

      I'd suggest starting to improve your English straightaway; read popular books and watch popular films. And get hold of Dan Kennedy's "The Ultimate Sales Letter" and Joe Sugarman's "The Adweek Copywriting Handbook". They're both easy to read books and they'll give you a great start in developing the skills you need.
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  • Profile picture of the author Talkreal
    If you put your content within a table or div. you can put a border around it and add color or an image to the background. The contrast would make your content stand out even more. A header and graphics would make it much more engaging.

    Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    Originally Posted by Anoopchawla View Post

    Before reviewing I want to tell you that I have written this in just 22 minutes, so you know... its kind of a structure.
    Why do people think we're going to waste our valuable time critiquing something they clearly don't give a rat's ass about?

    Tell you what... spend some actual time on the damn thing and you might get some useful responses.

    If I wrote a letter in 22 minutes it'd probably suck too.

    Honestly, I don't know what's worse...

    The fact people expect us to give up our time to critique crap they've just "thrown together"...

    ...or the fact that people actually do it!

    -Dan
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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