Need help finalizing my first sales letter

by perryny

Posted: 14 years ago 15 replies

COPY WRITING

Hi Copywriters,

I've been working on my first sales letter, a B2B direct mail piece, for quite some time.

I think it's finally getting there, but I've definitely still got some tightening up to do. I'm sure I will eventually get there with practice, but my bank account is tired of waiting and I need to get this letter mailed out already and finally start producing some income with it.

If any of you guys or gals are inclined to lend a hand on this... I can't tell you how much I'd appreciate it.

The things I'm really having trouble with...

* I'm working on a list of headlines and a subhead... but if you've got any ideas...
* I believe the opening section before the first set of statistic bullets still needs tightening, but me and my weak writing skills are having a tough time with it.
* I'm having a real hard time with the bullets for the Perry Consulting Proactive Maintenance Plan.

Those are my main concerns. If anything else stands out at you that needs a serious second look, I'm all ears.

Thanks in advance for any assistance,
-Rob

#finalizing #letter #sales

ewenmack 14 years ago

Hi Rob,

This is a little left field, but please stick with me.

There is a strategy which have clients calling you and there is no cost to implement. The response rates are higher than any other method I know of for generating BTB leads from a cold source.

One recent user of this method got 50% of business owners phoning him...his first shot at this.
It is routuine to get well over 50% of these callers to come on as clients...paid monthly in advance too!

You won't be spending money testing the right approach for your mailer this way.

There will be slight tweeks to this proprietery method to fit your situation, however the owner will be there to help you all the way.

With that said, you will see how others are very pleased with it and have voluntered to come back and report their findings.

So to sum up, no matter how good your direct mail is, it will be very, very hard to beat your ROI when you have zero costs in implenting any method that gets equal or more responses to your mailings.

Here is the link to his method on this forum http://www.warriorforum.com/warrior-...-today-23.html

All the best,
Ewen

P.S. It will be great to come back and let us know what you think!
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- perryny 14 years ago
  
  Hi Ewen,
  
  I purchased Joe's WSO. Really interesting. It's a bit much to take in at 3am, but it's got my gears turning...
  
  Thanks for pointing me in Joe's direction.
  
  ...But I'm still mailing the sales letter I've been working on for the past two months!
  
  Seriously, thanks again,
  -Rob
  
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  ewenmack 14 years ago
  
  Hi Rob,
  
  Thanks for getting back...and having an open mind to take a slightly different direction.
  
  Still no reason to stop mailing your piece if you are making a decent ROI.
  
  So pleased you are happy with the possibilities now.
  
  All the best,
  Ewen
  
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  1 reply
  
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  perryny 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ewenmack
  
  Still no reason to stop mailing your piece if you are making a decent ROI.
  
  No idea what the ROI will be, but I can't wait to find out...
  
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gjabiz

14 years ago

Rob,

First thing. I've written scores of B2B letters and as a biz owner, I've rec'd thousands. Of those thousands, I probably OPENED and READ a few dozen.

So first question. Why would I as a biz owner even OPEN your letter?

Secondly. The "headline" or opening is CRITICAL to getting me to read the letter, but you are clueless? What EXACTLY is the big benefit you are offering to me. Yes, I do have a lot on my plate and I DON'T have time to read unsolicited sales messages. So, after the first paragraph...into the trash.

Unless I had a strong reason to even open the thing, it probably goes...into the trash.

Your "main concerns" are actually "minor details" of your approach.

So let me help you by asking some questions, OK?

What do I have to gain (or to stop loss) by using your service?

Why should I even believe you? Who are you? What can you do for me? Can you PROVE it?

This letter, in short runs, is going to cost you how much to send out? Who is going to receive it?

It has been my experience; the more targeted the prospect, and the more attuned the promotion is to the target's experience, the better your results will be.

There is a belief, albeit a false one, among small business owners THEIR biz is unique, you'll hear it over and over. So a letter to 'general' business gets a "this guy doesn't know my business" knee jerk reaction. And this comes to the headline:

If I were writing this letter, I'd have the headline and letter "slugged" for different types of businesses. IF I were sending this to an owner of a small restaurant chain, I'd speak to him/her in restaurant owner terms.

If it were going to a small manufacturer, then I'd use the "trade talk" he would understand.

So, here are some suggestions.

First thing, quit being antsy to send something out, if you must, go ahead and try 100. You could laser print these and not have to go to "real" printshop.

What are your 3 biggest BENEFITS you offer to the customer?

What PAIN can you help them avoid? FEAR sells better than "prevention"...

Headline Scare: John, what happens to your business if your computer network crashes?

I hope you have a plan because many businesses are ruined overnight with mismanaged computer networks.

This type of healine (or teaser copy) makes them think about a PROBLEM, one that could happen and you AGITATE the problem with your teaser copy or headling, opening paragraph.

Big Benefit headline, John, this letter will tell you exactly how to save 13,798.54 every year. It is money you are currently spending which you don't have to.

It goes to the "heart" of what you can do for your client, and you know this best.
So consider the biz owner sitting out there, he isn't waiting for your letter to arrive, but when it does, it must

GET OPENED. Immediately capture attention to be dealt with NOW or perhaps later in the day (he may think about the consequences of a disaster)...

This summer, there will be rolling blackouts due to the heat and AC use...what happens if you lose power Mr. Bizman? What does it do to your network? how will you recover?

So, will your letter get opened? Will it get read? (my opinion, not as it is now)

Will the reader have incentive to take action?

I think you are, at this time, too close to the letter to see it's shortcomings.

I think you have more than some "tightening" up to do, but, hopefully, I've given you some food for thought.

gjabiz

Originally Posted by perryny

Hi Copywriters,

I've been working on my first sales letter, a B2B direct mail piece, for quite some time.

http://successfulcomputerconsulting....sletter_v8.pdf

I think it's finally getting there, but I've definitely still got some tightening up to do. I'm sure I will eventually get there with practice, but my bank account is tired of waiting and I need to get this letter mailed out already and finally start producing some income with it.

If any of you guys or gals are inclined to lend a hand on this... I can't tell you how much I'd appreciate it.

The things I'm really having trouble with...

* I'm working on a list of headlines and a subhead... but if you've got any ideas...
* I believe the opening section before the first set of statistic bullets still needs tightening, but me and my weak writing skills are having a tough time with it.
* I'm having a real hard time with the bullets for the Perry Consulting Proactive Maintenance Plan.

Those are my main concerns. If anything else stands out at you that needs a serious second look, I'm all ears.

Thanks in advance for any assistance,
-Rob

Thanks
1 reply

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Collette 14 years ago

Rob,
In addition to what gjabiz sez:

First of all, you're trying to sell 'prevention', which is a hard sell to begin with. People typically do not feel the 'pain' until it affects them directly. If the business owner has never experienced data loss catastrophe, your letter goes to the "I'll-come-back-to-this-later" File.

And we all know what happens to the stuff in that file.

Most purchases are motivated by 'cure', not 'prevention'. For example, impulse purchase of shoes: 'cure' for a bad day at work. Considered purchase of shoes: 'cure' for not having the perfect shoes to go with that very expensive formal suit.

An example closer to home (for you) would be to look at how/why people purchase 'prevention'; say, insurance for a house or car. The PRIMARY driver is because they are required to do so by law. They purchase the 'cure' because they can actively anticipate the 'pain' of not doing so. The secondary driver is 'prevention' - to protect themselves in case of accident or loss.

Even health insurance is driven indirectly by 'cure'. Almost everyone either has personally experienced, or knows someone who has experienced, receiving an eye-popping bill for medical services. Health insurance is a pro-active 'cure' for that 'pain'.

If you're going to motivate business owners to open your letter and 'pro-' act upon its contents, you're going to have to bring the pain home.

Also, really need to trim this baby way down, IMO. You're offering a FREE trial of a service. Focus on getting them to take you up on the FREE trial. You're using 7 pages to sell them on the service when you could probably get a pretty decent response from a well-crafted postcard.

Plus - consider - 7 pages is an expensive mailing. If you're going to plonk down that kind of outlay, you better have some kind of idea of the ROI you expect.

Even keeping it as a letter, you could get it down to one, 2-sided page:

For example (very quick and dirty rewrite),

"Yesterday I almost lost a month's worth of unpaid invoices. Almost."

Dear [Specific Business Owner],
I never thought it could happen to me.... After all, it's what I do for a living: help [specific] businesses protect their critical information from database loss.

Yet, as I (almost) painfully learned yesterday, ANYONE is vulnerable to hard drive failure. Anyone. Even me.

Good thing I take my own advice. Because the fact is that every 15 seconds, a hard drive crashes.

Is your hard drive next?

Will your business be next to lose months - even years - of irreplacable data?

Imagine...

...customer files... outstanding invoices... financial files... years of blood, toil, and sweat... all the precious information that is the lifeblood of your business... GONE FOREVER IN LESS THAN A SECOND!

If your business can survive this kind of catastrophe, then you need read no further. However, if you want to know how easy it can be to protect everything you've worked so hard for - then stay with me. Because in the next two minutes, you'll discover how you can:

[yada, yada, yada bullets]

Absolutely FREE.

[here's how this offer works (to introduce our service)]

And you'll receive [complete service offer, be sure to show how this is a 'custom' solution for their business] at NO COST to you, for the next 30 days. Just for giving us a try.

If you're not absolutely thrilled with our [customer service benefits], you are under no obligation to continue. Simply let us know by [mechanism], and we'll instantly discontinue your protection.

Remember... NO high-pressure sales tactics... NO hidden 'subscription'... NO money up front... NO contract... 30 days of full protection from [service features]... and it won't cost you a penny!

How can I make such a generous offer? It's simple:

I know you'll be so delighted with [service main USP] and the peace of mind you'll enjoy for the next 30 days, that you won't want to throw it all away.

And after your free trial period, your investment to keep your data secure and protect your future begins at a mere [$x] a month. Less than [comparison cost a day picture - please do NOT use coffee!] for complete protection and peace of mind.

The next move is yours...

To get [all this], simply call [number] right now to reserve your free trial.

And five minutes from now, you'll know you did the smart thing by eliminating the possibility that your business will be the next victim of a computer catastrophe.

sign off
signature

P.S. Yes, we also offer data recovery services. However, it's not cheap or quick to recover data, and no one can guarantee all your information can be recovered. Why take the chance? Call [number] now, while it's still fresh in your mind.
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- perryny 14 years ago
  
  Hi Gordon, Hi Collette,
  
  Thank you both for your thoughtful and thorough replies. Sorry for not responding to them sooner... yesterday was a long overdue day out with the kids and then a movie night with the missus (Inception is good stuff people).
  
  Unfortunately, a good chunk of my day yesterday was spent dwelling on your replies. Both of you seem to be echoing a similar sentiment... that this thing needs a rewrite. Bummer.
  
  It's been a long and very time consuming road I spent trying to understand how to write copy. If it's 10% art and 90% science, I think I get about 70% of the science part but none of the art.
  
  Good news for me in the long run... as I now know that when working with copywriters in the future, I'll be able to be a very well-prepared client.
  
  But for right now, I've got to figure out how to get this thing out the door and provide a decent return that will allow me to move to the next phase of hiring out the rest of my copy to a pro.
  
  So here's the question...
  
  Do I continue to try to clean up and modify the 8-pager I've already done (testimonials will be included that will push it up to 8 pages)? The printing and mailing will be pricey. I have no idea what kind of return to expect, so I have no idea if mailing this thing (that Gordon believes won't get read) is worth risking the time and financial investment... even if it's only to 100 recipients.
  
  Or do I scrap it and instead "fill in the blanks" on a the letter Collette so graciously and incredibly put together so quickly?
  
  In writing those options just now... it's clear to me that it seems I'm asking which letter should I send... Collette's two-pager, or my 8-page behemoth... and the answer seems clear (I just don't want to go back at this point and rewrite this whole post).
  
  Collette's will be much cheaper to send and test. If I get a decent return on that, I can invest in testing the other one if I like, and I can invest in having the whole thing written professionally.
  
  It's just painful to scrap the letter I spent so long trying to get right. I think it's got a lot of proof elements (even without my testimonials) that are really strong.
  
  Maybe next round they'll get put to proper and effective use...
  
  Thanks again for the help,
  -Rob
  
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RentItNow 14 years ago

I didnt read whole letter or responses but you need to replace the whole first page with a story that shows the same thing. And I would gear this story to line of business you are sending it to.

"Imagine losing all your patient's records right before Mr. Smith is scheduled for his operation." for doctors.

"How are you going to know where the one part Joes Garage needs out of 10,000 others without instant access to your autopart's database. I'm sure Joes Garage will just call another supplier."

Sorry, forgot to add something here. A business guy/gal will not likely take the time to read this. Get an appointment however you can and have them fill out a survey ahead of time. This will have them focusing on solutions and position you as the problem solver. Customize the survey to their field.
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I have no agenda but to help those in the same situation. This I feel will pay the bills.
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ewenmack

14 years ago

Hi Rob,

You know the WSO I put you on to...and how that is geared to a different service being offered?

Well see how Joe has made a very simple proposition to the business owner and it gets a very high call back...there lies the missing secret to your mailing you are struggling with.

If you can come up with giving something free and valued first, which is immediatly understood by the reader, in one sentence, then you will get a high return on your time and money.

You can also see how Joe converts those callers to long term buyers.

Think in terms of two small and seperate functions which can be tweeked,
the free offer and the conversion of callers into buyers.

Let me know if this eases your stress and I'm here if you want more help.

All the best,
Ewen

P.S. There is one more essential thing to the mailout too...I haven't mentioned because I wanted to get your head around the mailing that seems to be stressing you, first.

Thanks
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perryny

14 years ago

Hi Ewen,

Not a lot is going to ease my stress about this until a letter goes out and I can start counting the incoming calls.

The big struggle I'm having is not knowing what this thing is supposed to look like.

I created my letter (link in the op) based on all the instruction I received telling me AIDA, WIIFM, focus on benefits not the features, provide PROOF elements, etc.

I thought I did a good job of it.

Problem is (I think), most if not all of the instruction I've followed provided examples of bookalogs, magalogs, print advertising... not a lot of specific examples of a DR letter promoting a B2B service. I don't know what I'm creating is ultimately supposed to look like.

Now, the experienced copywriter will probably say that the principals hold true across the board regardless of the vehicle your using to get the message across.

But to me it seems every medium (email, web sales letter, website homepage, dr letter, etc.) has it's own set of requirements. So I spend so much time trying to follow the rules, but my end results always seem to miss the mark by a longshot.

The example letter Collette provided above is completely missing some of the proof elements that I thought were so important... my "Triple Guarantee" as an example.

Another example... in an earlier revision of this letter I detailed how my monitoring dashboard would give customers instant notification of a problem. I even considered putting in screenshots of the product. My reason being that this was a great way to demonstrate the product... following instruction that a demonstration is one of the strongest proof elements I could provide. But I was then told that readers wouldn't care about these technical points and to instead show benefits.

Looking at Joe's example in the WSO... I shouldn't be using ANYTHING that I've been instructed are required in a DR piece. Just a straight, to the point offer.

To me, it all seems so contradictory. I know it's not and that I simply have a lot to learn.

But each time I go through this it feels like I've gone through the 67 page instruction manual for building a wooden ship in a bottle, and when I've finally got it done, I'm told, "nah... you were supposed to build this..." and I'm handed a very pretty boat made of folded newspaper.

Maybe a piss-poor example, but that's the best I can do at the moment.

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ewenmack 14 years ago

Hi Rob,

I feel your pain!

That is why I thought I should get back to you with the last post.

You are doing all the right things by studying examples and components to make a mailer work...good so far.

Here is the reality check. A letter that people get to touch in their mail, whether they are classed as consumers or business to business readers, from a cold list, doesn't get the high responses as Joe does...NOT even close!

You can see the simple offer he makes...so you can come up with a simple offer too.

It is the offer being made, that simple thing that the reader gets. All the other parts are the fancy packaging to that offer.

Get back to coming up with a simple offer, and use Joe's as an example, because it's going to other business owners, it gets a higher response rate than anything else going, not only for him, but all the people who use it.

From there you can put it on paper and send it out. The offer to the same reader will work whether the reader reads it from his computer or from his hands.

Why wouldn't you follow the best example? You have it in your hot hand from Joe.

If you need help with your offer, or have questions or concerns, fire away...I'm all ears!

All the best,
Ewen
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- perryny 14 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by ewenmack
  
  Why wouldn't you follow the best example? You have it in your hot hand from Joe.
  
  I read you 100%.
  
  I've got lots of testing to do. At least I now have some solid stuff to test with.
  
  You can be sure, Ewen, that I'll be keeping you posted with the results.
  
  Thanks for all your help,
  -Rob
  
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ewenmack

14 years ago

Originally Posted by perryny

Hi Ewen,

Looking at Joe's example in the WSO... I shouldn't be using ANYTHING that I've been instructed are required in a DR piece. Just a straight, to the point offer.

To me, it all seems so contradictory. I know it's not and that I simply have a lot to learn.

Actually your first thoughts about it all being contradictory is correct. If you felt it, it's true to you Rob.

Up untill you came across Joe's work, going about setting up a mailing was done a certain way and that was it...not for you but others as well.

If we are in the results business, then we have to abandon the lesser performing methods and go with methods that pay off better...both in time and money.

You are going after business owners like Joe and the users of his method, so you are targeting similar people.

Then there is the question of whether users of Joe's method really are getting high responses...well one first time user of this method got a 50% response rate to a cold list...on his first shot too.

Not saying you or others will get that kind of results, what you see if you follow Joe's thread and/or ask him personally, you will see consistantly high response rates.

If you ask other marketers their response rates to a BToB cold list, you will see consistantly lower response rates.

Joe has done the continual refinement to get this method to where it's at...you have it in your hand so you don't have to go through the heartaches.

Yes it can be tough letting go everything you know and been told up to this point.

Yet I'm still coming back to help you, Joe will too.

Are others coming back again and foreseeing the challenge you have and helping you..?

I really don't know what else to say Rob, other than I do understand your frustration and I'm here to help you through it.

All the best,
Ewen

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perryny

14 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Are others coming back again and foreseeing the challenge you have and helping you..?

Oh... HELL YES they're helping! Maybe not in this thread specifically, but YES... I am getting a ton of help from members of this community. And I could not possibly express how much I appreciate it.

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ewenmack

14 years ago

Originally Posted by perryny

Oh... HELL YES they're helping! Maybe not in this thread specifically, but YES... I am getting a ton of help from members of this community. And I could not possibly express how much I appreciate it.

Cool Rob...They have been a fantastic help to me too.

All the best,
Ewen

Thanks

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Need help finalizing my first sales letter

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