Feedback on a Site Please

by 78 replies
99
Please share your thoughts:

The 30 Day Diabetes Cure

Good, bad, indifferent?

Think it will fly?
#copywriting #feedback #site
  • Harlan,

    First thing comes to mind is the word "CURE".

    Is that a red flag to alphabet soup authorities?

    Don't know if it would...has it passed legal inspection ?

    All the best,
    Ewen
    • [2] replies
    • Harlan,
      I think it's very good. I would be concerned about the same thing Ewen said, but I'm no lawyer.

      Having known several people who suffer from diabetes and the very things you describe in this letter I would say you've not only hit the right points, and the common answers that aren't working for them, you also have a very appealing layout for a health product. It looks very professional, very properly structured for an 'authority' perspective.

      One thing I didn't like was the box offering the 9 free gifts at the beginning. It seems 'garrish' to me. The colors remind me of a late night cheesy infomercial with the "As Seen On TV" logo. In some cases that would work, but I think the cheesiness of it, takes away from the otherwise impeccable job of building credibility with layout, design and copy on this site.

      Otherwise, a teeny bit slow to load, but that could be me, I'm having to reload WF twice with every click today, and I'm not sure about the lightbox 3/4 of the way down the page, but I would be interested in hearing how that works out.

      Hope that was helpful.


      -Dani
    • Nope...



      (Note all the "cures" books.) Trudeau only got in deep trouble when he was PIKING his Coral Calcium. It's tough to go after someone exercising his first amendment rights.

      To me it looks like a HOT product. (Hopefully he's not a scam puke like Trudeau.) I'm not crazy about the '05 look of the page layout... but if I had diabetes, I wouldn't think twice about spending $50. Personally I would have used Bottomline's old offer... don't send any money now, just fill out the form, we'll send it to you right away, enjoy reading it for 30 days (and if not delighted send it back) and only then we'll bill you $16.65 a month for 3 months.

      What's his back end?


      .
  • My feedback:

    The site is painfully slow to load.

    You might want to do something about
    the server because I'm positively sure
    that the slow loading will negatively
    impact the site's conversion.

    - Jag
    • [1] reply
    • Ditto on the slow load. I gave up. Maybe try again later.
  • [DELETED]
  • The site is super slow. It's been trying to load for me for the past 30sec. I'll try again latter.
  • From a copywriting standpoint it looks good, but you've got to be really careful with your claims in the health niche.

    You should get a lawyer to go through it, he'll tear it apart of course, but its still good practice.
  • Banned
    I gave up. Maybe try it again later.
  • I think we can come up with a stronger lead and headline...

    Here's the headline, then explanation comes after...

    Licensed Practising Doctor Says...

    "Give Me Thirty Days, And I'll Completly Reverse Your Diabetes...
    ...I Can Make This Bold Claim Because, 100% Of My Patients Have Ditched Their Drugs...
    ...And Are Back To Living A Happy, Normal Life"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Explanation, Or Reason Why;

    1 Pre-head. Using one of the most trusted people in society...Doctors. Surveys of who the most trusted people are in society, come up with Doctors and Firemen. Would use picture of a doctor with a white coat and stethoscope for instant recognition. Put it beside headline.

    2 The first 4 words in the headline create further credibility by having the reader do something...in this case give the Doc 30 days.

    3 Using numbers, in this case, 30, to be very specific in giving the reader an exact time frame of the desired outcome. The desired outcome being, reverse diabetes.

    4 Tackles the readers B.S. detector head on by saying, 100% of the doctors patients have ditched their drugs. Once again, using specific numbers to create more believability.

    5 Transitions the reader to picture that, indead, she can see herself living a happier life.
    Always finish on a high note.

    Harlan, just when you thought you could get back to the beach, I'm telling you to get back to work on this...should I be sorry..?

    All the best,
    Ewen






  • Banned
    I should think the FTC would have a field day on this one. Especially claims like this - "Able to completely REVERSE diabetes in 30 days or less".

    You might want to read the rest of this FTC page - http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/cons...lth/hea07.shtm


    And more -






    • [2] replies
    • In this case, the copy is selling a book, not a drug, product, or other physical substance. Book claims fall under First Amendment protection. Additionally, the FTC/FDA problems with "cure" relate to structure/function claims, and so don't apply here.

      *Caveat: I'm not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV*

      That said - the word is sure to attract FTC attention. I guess the author (and the author's attorney) believes it's worth the potential hassles and headaches.

      If I were writing this, I'd probably modify it a bit to say something like "Some readers have used the advice in [BOOK] to lower their blood sugar levels by X%/points or more!

      [Blood sugar lowered Testimonials yada, yada]"

      Gets around the whole 'claims' issue while still getting the info out.

      Overall, I found the flow choppy and confusing.

      For example, I immediately skimmed to find the points mentioned in headline which interested me, and couldn't easily locate them. Which gave the whole thing the feel of scam job. For me. Your mileage may vary.

      Also, since this is positioned as a head-to-head against "the leading" medication, I didn't get enough 'proof' in the presentation to convince me. I would have liked to see more 'factual' specifics re: studies etc. Again: for me. Your mileage may vary.

      Since I've written for this market, I admit I'm probably looking at this letter with a slightly more jaded eye than most.

      But in answer to the OP question: "Will it fly?" Chances are this letter will fly fine, just as it is.

      P.S. Like Subtle: Hating on the layout. Really hating. Particularly that horrible Free Report box as soon as you get into the body copy. Garish and distracting.

      P.P.S. Did I mention I hate the layout?
    • Despite the crackdown, there are 204 book titles on Amazon that have the words Cure and Diabetes.

      http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_no...etes&x=14&y=20

      So there is a way around it.

      Maybe the First Amendment for the freedom of speech?

      All the best,
      Ewen
    • [DELETED]
  • Banned
    I note that the author is an ex psychiatric nurse and has a "doctorate" in naturopathy - not traditional medicine. Seems to me you're misrepresenting him as a doctor. Not a good look. There's a world of difference between a qualified medical doctor and a so-called doctor of naturopathy.
  • Harlan,

    Did you write this?

    It doesn't look like your work to me.
    • [1] reply
    • Actually I didn't.

      I wish I did.

      Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for playing.

      I posted this because like all copy forums, it brings out the inner critic in everyone.

      This copy was written by Jim Punkre.

      Don't know the name?

      He's near the top of the "A list". And that letter belongs in your swipe file.

      Now allow me to let you in on a secret.

      That letter converts like crazy. The numbers are off the charts.

      And for all those who think the letter is illegal, you don't know your copy history.

      Subtle alluded to it in his pointing to the use of the word cure.

      You can not use "cure" with a supplement or device.

      But with a book, ANYTHING GOES.

      For example:

      When you sell a weight loss product, it is illegal to make a claim of permanent weight loss.

      But not if it's a book.

      And who was it who sued the government over this?

      Eugene Schwartz who sued and won claiming first amendment freedom of speech.

      Guys.

      Tossing a piece of copy here is like throwing raw meat in the shark tank.

      A bunch of guys did not take the bait and contacted me via PM to ask about it.

      Not every piece of copy here is automatically bad.

      I won't embarrass some of you with your comments.

      Just understand something:

      This is some of the best copy you will ever see.

      Any fault you find in it is in your own eyes.

      "A-list" copywriters account for every single word.

      Punkre's copy should be savored like a fine wine.

      Now go and learn.

      Peace,

      Harlan

      PS. Hope you learned something from this. ;-)
      • [ 5 ] Thanks
      • [2] replies
  • I already added it to my swipe file. I know good copy when I see it.

    Not always, but mostly.
  • I was going to comment that I thought the names,

    1. Dr. Rip (the nickname his patients gave him) ( made me think Dr. R.I.P.)
    2. Jim Healthy - the sig at the bottom

    were kinda funny.

    But, now that the kitten's out of the crawl space, I won't bother
    • [1] reply
    • Now I wonder what you'd find if you Googled "Jim Healthy"

      Hmmm.
      • [1] reply
  • I just spit my coffee out my nose.

    You want a shot at a control?

    Do you know what that means for a big company?

    How much they have to invest in editorial, legal, graphic design, printing and mailing costs to test your masterpiece?

    My kid had his first hockey lesson this morning.

    You think we should start calling NHL teams looking for a tryout?

    Learn a little humility.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
    • [1] reply
    • No I don't know you but in a thread about A list copywriters, you wanted a shot at a control.

      The A listers are anything but corporate drones.

      They work on their own time and they are extremely well paid for what they did.

      All of them worked their way up the ranks.

      It's okay if you don't like my style.

      And thanks for asking about mudras (finger healing). It's one of my most successful products ever.

      I'm going to redo the site and offer a new set of symbols based on all the inquires.

      In the direct marketing world, it would be considered a home run.

      Tens of thousands of people write in every day and ask for specific mudras.

      I'm not sure there is one to become an A-list copywriter though.

      Good luck on your journey.
  • Heh as soon as I saw what website you were asking for critique I knew it was a home run. There was no way youd ever need a critique for copy like that, especially not on the warrior forum. The only ones who could improve copy like that are the best of the best. I thought it might of been Makepeaces handy work.

    I have to agree with Harlan, sometimes copy gets critiqued thats actually decent and is made worse after the critiques. I remember one that was basically a story that got chewed apart and the original almost sold me while I was reading it. Im like how bad can it be if I almost bought it?
  • 100% in agreement with Collette.
  • I'm actually in this niche as well as an affiliate. It is possible to cure but involves drastic life changes. I am type I and I have been slowly making those changes but it is a battle at times.

    My comment on the copy is the call to action is weak on the page. Needs to be MASSIVE! I'd even test a picture of a meter or something to draw attention to it.

    Oh, also, the site was slow loading so you may want to put the headline above the video so people will not click away too fast.
  • I'm a martial arts instructor so I'm going to use an example from that to illustrate my point. I hope no one takes offence as that's not my intention.

    There's a guy in his 20s who believes, with good reason, he's one of the best MMA fighters in the UK. He is good.

    He went to a seminar run by a guy in his 60s. This older guy was the best karateka in the world when he was in his 30s.

    Put it this way, Bruce Lee would have been mince meat if they'd fought. I'm not joking.

    Anyway, even though he'd gone to learn from the guy, the younger guy was arrogant. So the older guy dropped him like a sack of potatoes.

    The youngster got up, called the instructor a bully and walked off. Instead of admitting maybe he had a lot more to learn than he thought.

    The instructor was puzzled. He didn't figure a tough guy like that would just walk off after being decked. He figured he'd want to stay and maybe get better once he realised he wasn't as good as he thought.

    However, the youngster was way too arrogant to admit defeat. And, as a result, he refused to accept that maybe, just maybe, he might actually learn something by swallowing his pride.

    Now, the instructor may not be the best any more, especially at his age, but he still had a lot to teach the youngster. If only he'd humbled himself enough to realise his limitations.

    How does that apply here?

    Well, a control can always be beaten. And they eventually do.

    That does not mean we can't learn from them.

    Face it, they don't even have to be controls. As long as they're better than what we can do, or have done, we can learn from them.

    There's a few comments on here, even from people who have obviously been writing copy for longer than I have, which are completely wrong. I won't point them out, but they're there.

    Harlan has done a good thing by putting up Jim Punkre's copy. And it's exposed a few people's weaknesses.

    That's not a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. At least you tried to figure it out.

    If you accept that and realise you can learn from it, you will.

    If you refuse to accept that simple little fact, I'm willing to bet you won't get very far.

    Oh, sure, you may make money. Maybe even a lot of money. But I'm willing to bet you'll never get to the top. If that's what you want.

    Like I said, I mean no offence by this post. I still have so much more to learn, so I'd be the last person to belittle anyone.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Finger Healing is a favorite of mine...
    • [1] reply
    • I have to say I don't see how this thread turned into a choosing sides situation. I think the letter is an obvious winner no matter who wrote it. Are there things I would have done differently? Sure... but then again I'm not always right either.

      I know this much... if Harlan says it's swipe worthy I'm keeping the letter. Plain and simple... no questions asked. I think you all would be smart to do the same.

      I don't even "swipe" but reading and being inspired by what works is what keeps this game fun for me... and keeps me evolving as a writer.
      • [ 1 ] Thanks
      • [1] reply
  • It took me almost a half minute to load. Too many letters and wordy, the color is unattractive, the information is hard to comprehend.
    • [1] reply
  • Anyone that falls for this clown's games is a sucker. If you think he'd actually stoop so low as to ask for a crit on his own letter, you don't know him. His letters are beyond critique... they're legend in his own mind.

    Collette nailed it, as always. She rocks! Collette, are you married?
    • [2] replies
    • Yes, she is. So watch it, son.
    • No. I'm working on perfecting my eccentric schtick for a well-deserved crabby old age.

      But, if Lake Louise is in the offing, I could discard my principles for the duration. Because I'm shallow like that.

      That is, so long as your wife doesn't object (or accompany us).

      Still, you have now earned a place in The Swipe Files of My Heart.
      • [2] replies
  • I think most of us here are always looking
    to learn more and improve our craft.

    We have our opinions.

    Of course, we may not be always right.

    But even though we may have
    different views on a particular subject, it
    doesn't mean we are not open to learning more.

    After all...in this game...we know that
    at the end of the day...it's cold hard data
    and results that matter.



    That said, here's the thing that gets to me.

    The OP invites critiques. And it looks like
    he wants them badly.

    But it seems to me he just wants to use this as an
    exercise to lure views different from his own
    (surprise! surprise! this is a critique isn't it?)
    ...so that he can "blast" them later.

    I mean...dude..c'mon...

    Okay. Now I know the copy is a control. Now I know
    it's written by Jim Punkre.

    Wouldn't it be better to tell us from the straight
    off instead of playing "games" just to make yourself
    look good later?

    Maybe it's not the OP's intention...but it certainly
    feels like this to me.

    Just saying...

    - Jag
    • [1] reply
    • No way! We all see the solution after we've been given the answer.

      Part of the exercise is to work out if it works, and why. If we're spoon fed the answer instead of working it out we'll never improve. Of course, it's so obvious why it works...when someone has pointed it out.

      So thanks Harlan for putting it up. I didn't see you ridiculing anyone who replied. Rather you encouraged it, and then gave us the results of the letter.
      • [ 3 ] Thanks
      • [2] replies
  • I find it funny how they go bashing the guy who makes all the money trying to teach others something.

    The guy whos copy brings in millions of dollars... they go attack for trying to teach something.

    Real smart.
    • [ 1 ] Thanks
  • Harlan seems proud that Punkre wrote this piece, and it is good, however I think we all look at something and notice things we would do differently. If you ask for critiques, that's what you will get. I agree with Collette, all copy can do better, well unless it converts at 100%, but too much is involved for that. It's nice to be proud but to lead people down 'that road' it's just not cool.
    • [1] reply
    • Harlan didn't ask for a critique. He asked for your 'thoughts'.

      And perhaps by doing so he exposed the non-critical thinking that limits many copywriters. People assumed the question was searching for what was bad about the letter and so could only see fault.

      The question asked for any feedback, good or bad yet so many closed out the possibility that there might be some good to be seen. I hope we all apply far more critical thinking to our clients.
      • [ 3 ] Thanks
      • [1] reply
  • This won't be a popular question ...

    But, it's one worth asking.

    My writing colleague and I discussed this thread over coffee. During the course of discussion our conversation moved somewhat obliquely in a philosophical direction ...

    It has nothing to do with Jim Punkre's sales copy or his product. Actually, it has something to do with it, as it spawned the conversation. More correctly, it has nothing to do with Jim Punkre's morality or ethics and everything to do with free speech.

    Here was our question:

    If it is illegal to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater when there is no fire, should it be legal to yell "Cure!" in the marketplace when there is no cure.
    • [2] replies
    • It certainly isn't a problem for major book publishers to use the word, as evidence by the number of book titles at amazon.com.

      So nothing illegal there.

      Next, if you read the promotion in depth, you will see that the doctor says 100% of his walk in patients end up going off their drugs with his methods and a leading university also says it can be done.

      He also says one type of diabetes gets an improvement of 80%...which maybe is the type you imply has no cure.

      I guess it depends which type of diabetes we are talking about.

      The writer does get into specifics between the two.

      All the best,
      Ewen
      • [1] reply
    • How do you know there's no cure?

      I'll bet there's a cure for EVERY disease known. But the pharmaceuticals won't want us to know that as it's not in their interest.
      • [ 2 ] Thanks
      • [1] reply
  • I am new to forum. How do you even start a new thread? Can anyone give info on that. Hope this gets read.

    I am looking for feedback on landing page. My first one. I am trying to build a niche site. Anyone want to take a look. Also how much do copywriters go for.? yeastfreedietsguide.com

    The goal is to get them to opt in for mini course. Is it too long, too short, boring or hold interest.

    Are pop-up opt in good? for they annoy the heck out of me when I see them. They are like little bugs that show up and I just want to find the X and get it out of my face. But if it is most effective and will get opt ins I will change it. Thanks for any help
  • I skimmed through it and noticed that the sub heads didn't reveal an accurate picture of the product. I tend to do this a lot with sale sletter and if I can immediately see how the product will benefit me and how it will take away my problems, I then decide to start reading.

    My advice... review your sub-heads and place your best sales points since many readers will skim through...

    Sub heads such as "Is this too good to be true" doesn't reveal any benefit to people like me (skimmers)

    Hope this helps
    • [1] reply
    • It seems you have skimmed through this thread as well.

      You do know this page was a 'winner', right?
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