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Would you critique my review page?

by 3afash
8 replies
Warriors,

I'm a newbie and this is the first review page that I put together. Please tell me how I can improve it and what I should change or delete: deerantlerextract.com


Cheers
#critique #page #review
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Hi,

    Your first job is to have it read.

    You are making it difficult, by having white text on black background.

    Stick to what people are use to...that is black text on white background.

    This is what you see in newspapers, books and email.

    Doing so will make it easier for others here to review it for you also...OK?

    All the best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    White type against a black background is very hard on the eyes. It's been tested time and again and it's a fact. Your page also loads very slowly.

    You open with:

    Where To Get Deer Antler Extract?

    That's not a question. It's a statement. Lose the question mark.

    Then you immediately launch into facts about two brands of antler extract. How about explaining what the stuff is good for first. I have no idea myself and would click away. Education is often an important part of the selling process.

    You can't assume that everyone who reads your review knows about it. You might be getting people who've heard about it but don't know what it does or why they need it. You're job is to let them know.

    Your review is pretty raw but it's certainly fixable. Good luck.
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    • Profile picture of the author writeandreview
      You'll get great advice on the copywriting -- I'll point out a few aspects about the general readability.

      There are currently two brands that have a reputation for having having a high integrity and offering the highest quality, most bio-available and potent deer antler extracts on the market.

      Use either "There are" or "Currently" to open.
      Replace "have" with something active -- like "boast".
      Delete one of the two "having"s. Or better, delete them both.
      The second part of the sentence is a bit like a train wreck. Even though you're using the power of 3, the 'and"s are too close together and jumble everything.

      Try something like this:

      -----

      If you're like me, you look for quality and integrity in your deer antler extract. There are only two brands I trust to provide the caliber of quality and integrity I need -- SurThrival and Jing Herbs.

      SurThrival's Immortal Velvet Gold is the most potent deer antler extract out there. Sure, it costs a bit more than some of the other brands but, if you're after the best and don't mind paying a little more for it, then you can't beat SurThrival's Immortal Velvet Gold.

      If you're looking for a bargain, look no further than Jing Herbs Deer Antler Essence. It's a bit less potent than SurThrival's Immortal Velvet Gold and still it crushes the nearest deer antler extract competition.

      SurThrival and Jing Herbs offer superior deer antler extract products. I've used them both and happily recommend them to you.

      -----

      I assume the key phrase is "deer antler extract". I may have overused it a tad. But, you get the idea.

      If I were writing this piece, I'd throw in more content about the benefits of deer antler extract. I would've done it for you but, I've little inclination what deer antler extract is used for and even less inclination to gain this knowledge firsthand.

      - Matt Lashley
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  • Profile picture of the author hex1848
    focus a little more on the UI, it's simple. But I think it comes across as being too simple. You may need to do some browser testng as well, in Chrome some of the text floats off the page.
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidO
    I see you've changed to black text on white so the initial look of your page is attractive. Page loading is still very slow. Take my word for it that fast loading is really an important and overlooked factor. It makes a great impression on visitors and it will even boost your search positions because Google values it highly.

    Now, moving on to your copy...

    It's a little too stiff and awkward. Some of the other posters have given you great tips on this. Just relax your style a bit and write more like person to person, not like a technical report.

    I agree that you badly need some explanation of what deer antler extract is and what it's for. People coming to you page who are not pre-qualified, like me, are left totally in the dark.

    And here's an issue nobody else has addressed: Is this stuff legal, ethical and certified?

    I assume it is because you are no doubt a responsible marketer but as a visitor it was one of the first things on my mind. I'm thinking of rhino horn powder and shark's fin... stuff like that comes into mind and the ethical/legal issues raging behind them.

    You need to address this early in your copy and reassure visitors that obtaining and using deer antler extract is ethical, if it is. You can turn it into a marketing advantage by emphasizing that YOUR sources are totally guilt-free.

    With a few changes I think your site can be effective.
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    • Profile picture of the author manishrawat
      Your page seems to be nice and the color combination is perfect. The only thing which I found irritating was page load time.
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  • Profile picture of the author 3afash
    Guys,

    that was some amazing advice. I changed most of the stuff you advised me to change. Thanks a lot for the help
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    • Profile picture of the author writeandreview
      I can't reply to your PM (I tried) and I don't want to leave you hanging. I thought I'd post a reply here. Hope that's okay with you.

      Originally Posted by 3afash

      Hey Matt,

      I was just reading the copy writing advice you gave me on this thread http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...view-page.html and I strongly appreciate your help.

      I have a quick question for you though, I noticed that you turned my review around and made it look like it was written in a more "real" style, more person to person and more persuasive, do you any advice on how one can learn that skill?
      3 suggestions:

      1) Listen to radio commercials. You can learn a lot from them -- especially those on talk radio.

      No matter how many commercials you listen to you'll hear a lot of the same phrases repeated over and over.

      Take the phrase "If you're like me ... "

      I think I used it as the lead-in for your product. It comes directly from radio spots I've heard over the years. Sounds funny but you can develop your "conversational ear" by listening to talk radio ads. Especially those in which the host of the radio show promotes a product.

      Some of them will sound cheesy, I know, but they're effective.

      2) There are a few great copywriters in this forum with amazing insights and success. Comb through their posts.

      3) And, I don't remember exactly where I saw it, but there's a condensed e-book of copywriter phrases running around somewhere. In it you'll find useful phrases like "If you're like me ... " and probably phrases like "As you carefully read every word of this letter ..."

      The former is a great lead-in across the board. The latter, is not technically a lead-in or conversational. And its "hypnotic" effectiveness is probably diluted given it's overuse in IM though it may work well in some markets. Swipe carefully.

      Talk radio commercials -- they're where it's at!

      Take care!

      - Matt Lashley
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