Please Unleash Your Critique On My Sales Page

Hi Rubes,

I'm afraid I'm not going to critique another pro's writing but I will offer some thoughts on your layout:

I think your header's too big, above the fold I'd want the headline and the testimonial photos.

I'd make the first batch of photos all before and afters, that way you're starting with some solid visual proof.

Lose the periods from your headline and subheads.

Consider having the final after photo of yourself showing your face.

The placement of your videos seems a bit random and you don't make enough of them.

You made no attempt to get my email address either when I was on the page or when I clicked off.

Hope some of this helps.

I think your sales page is really solid but it's a little too long for me.

This is one of my favorite body building sales page: Mark's Ripped Combo - How I Got Ripped In Just 4 Weeks

It is short, looks authentic with all normal people photos and myspace/facebook style design

It may not work for your audience but maybe you can take some cue from it and apply to yours differently.

by the way, that is not my sales page. not sure if i was suppose to give out links in the posts.

You have Mad testimonials.. which is a big selling point! Only thing i noticed was it makes me and other people feel better when in the guarantee you tell them how to contact you.. it makes them feel at ease that if they are not satisfied they can easily get in touch with you. It being $97 that is important in my opinion. What kind of conversion rate are you seeing and have you ever tested it against a pure Video version of your site?

Reuben,

I agree with the above.

I also suggest reworking the bullets for each module.

e.g "Hitting head on, the 4 most growth effective anabolic hormones". What does this mean? What's the benefit to the prospect?

Colin

Rubes,

Interesting page.

One comment is that I think your subheads are a little big and a little disjointed... not really built for scanners.

Having said that... it's DIFFERENT to a lot of stuff in your niche.. and I like it.

Be interesting to see how it converts.

-Dan

Try adding some video to it. These always help. Just make sure it's not over-the-top salesy. Avoid phrases like "but wait, there's more", etc. People are conditioned to hate things like that over decades. Maybe just talk about your product (quickly) and then offer to help anyone that wants it through human interaction (email or phone). Put a face to your sales pitch.

Hello Sir,

The first thing you can do is make your background light and suitable that can please your visitors in their first visit.

Your sales letter is good enough but too long to be read in few minutes. A new user to your site will not give his whole day to your site to gather important information as there is too much similar stuff on other sites.

Remember testimonials are the last that an intelligent person look at. First is the content and the facilities of the memberships. So focus on that first.

Hope you will like it.

Thanks

It would be good to have some color variety in the text

Your sales page was OK but it could definitely be better. There was a good handful of weak areas but I won't go into them all.

The one that does stick out though is where you stated that you were a "kid". Kids don't shop online.

Change that to a "man" and you will do a better job of connecting with you potential customers.

The first time at everything is considered practice, so for practice you did a fantastic job though.

Hi Rubes,

Looks good enough to test as is and have Google Anaylizer run it.

Next I would have some headline samples ready to test to see if you can beat the present one.

Also test with smaller sized subheads and have fewer testomonials in each block so as the reader can see there is more to read which leads to the order button.

O. k. here's one headlines to test and the reason why it's used.

Personal trainer to the stars, xx,xxx ordinary men and author says,

"Give Me A Puny Punk, 30 Minutes A Day, And I'll Transform Him Into A Bulging Muscle Man In Under 30 Days...Guranteed"

What we have done first is give you credibility and authority status.
Adding the exact numbers give more credence too.

This helps you make the biggest benefit, claim and promise coming up more believable.

Next, to make this claim, what might seem to be a stretch at first glance, more workable is you are telling the reader he has to get off his butt and work at it for 30 minutes a day for 30 days. You add your numbers which would make it workable.

All this so far has lead up to the big promise which you gurantee.

That's the reasoning behind the headline structure.

Once again you give authority and credibility status first.
Tell them they have to do something to get their dream outcome in x number of days.

You can use this outline to create more headlines to test.

Fire away if you have any more questions.

All the best,
Ewen

my boy vince del monte is the king of this niche..... his **** converts like crazy..... good site to look at to see what works in that niche.

think its on clickbank

Digger, good job. But the Heading and sub-heads look strange. Lose the full stops in the heading for starters. And you do know that lower case reads a lot easier? See what I mean? -



I'd move that skinny guy's before and after shots to the top. And continue dropping before and afters throughout the copy - don't bunch them together. Before and Afters work really well in this niche and you have some beauties. In fact on your header I'd have your before shot looking across to the new you on the right.

Copy is a bit long. Test it. That's the only way to know what's gonna convert.

BTW I'm on High Speed Broadband in Gay Paree and the page was very slow to load - tried it half a dozen times.

Bewdy mate. Cheers, Mal.

If you want to increase the value of your product, consider putting it into a hard format such as DVD. There is a service called Kunaki or something and they do this sorta stuff for reasonably cheap.

It will take some doubt off customers minds if you ask me.

I agree with other posters that the design is quite unique - I like it very much.

Dean

Rubes, regarding the loading of the page. I ran you through http://www.lightspeednow.com (out of California) and it says this -

Your website loaded in 5.694s - slower than 92% of sites

Hi, I took a look at your site and I thought to myself the site looks good aesthetically. I like the black and white theme. It's macho, clean and crisp. However, as I looked on, I noticed that your sales pitch was kind of long. In my opinion it comes across as a little desperate. Although, I can say you are on the right track already, having a clean layout and all, I believe that you will do better by coming across as an expert who people seek out, rather than a salesman who is aggressively pitching his product.

You can do this by being more subtle with your sales pitch. What I can suggest is that you tapper it. The testimonies are great, but they would look better if they were typed in by your own clients. So I suggest you host a forum on your site, where clients or users get to review your products in real time as well as exchange some personal techniques in getting a buff body.

Also, I noticed your pitch about your youtube videos, I think it would be to your best interest to link the videos to your site. This way, you won't have to tell visitors how many times you have been thanked, but they will be able to see for themselves. Another side effect of the YouTube video links would be like a free sample, prospective clients who may still be thinking twice, can take your advice and lessons for a test ride, and when they see results, out goes the doubt, and in comes the profit.

Another way to do this might be to have fresh articles written daily, contributed or written by you to the site, this way it won't come across as purely a marketing site but as a site existing to help people be fit. This kind of "goodwill" will take your business a long way although it might not immediately translate to profits.

Infact goodwill has so much value, that when corporations are sold, the goodwill that the company has acquired over the years is computed together with physical assets to determine the overall value of a company.

Lastly, you mentioned that you include supplements in your e-book. Why don't you try to contact some of the companies that offer the kind of supplements that you recommend and ask them if they would be interested to advertise on your site. This can generate you a considerate amount of passive income.

I hope I was able to help.

Best,
Bob