Please Critique This Email!

by 12 replies
14
Hi Copy pros,

I have a new site/service that is for churches and I wrote up an email to send to pastors and would love your expertise

I appreciate your time and help in this, I don't have a salespage for it as it should be an easy sale according to a couple of pastors I talked to.

regards,
Dennis
#copywriting #critique #email
  • Hello Dennis,

    It's great copy but I think the sequence is off. To me it seems like you're trying to sell them too fast in the initial contact. Perhaps you should just focus on the "why's" in the initial email, and sell the click to your salesletter.

    Better still sell the click to your squeeze page where you offer a 3-5 page short report on how the internet is THE medium for getting new church members. In the report agitate the problems you skimmed over in this email and have many links to your salesletter.

    Then let the salesletter pull the $19.97 for you. By this point they should be really fired up and be itching for a solution to a problem they may or may not have know that they have had.

    Then you take this email and stick it like #3 or #4 in your autoresponder sequence.

    Just my $0.02,

    -Garland
  • Hey Dennis,

    I agree with Garland, you are going way too fast way too soon. The road you're taking will very quickly burn your list, which obviously isn't something you're after.

    This email belongs more on the sales page than on your autoresponder sequence, you are implicitly giving them the 'buy or die' choice as I like to refer it. What the implicit message is either your become a customer and get the benefits or not. There is really no added value in the email.

    Try educating the pastors, by answering the four W's (Why, What, when, where, obviously the two first are really important) first before you go to offer your product (your HOW). Educate them on why they need someone like you or a service like yours, what are the potentials of what you do for them, when can they expect results and so on...

    By doing this you are, in a way, making your list come to you for solutions, which is exactly when you provide your product or service, that is a sure fire way of getting high conversions. More importantly, by educating your list, not only you won't burn the list, your subscribers are actually going to be exhilarated to open up your emails, as each email is opening new doors in their lives. Hope that helps

    -Mac
  • Aside from the boring intro that is unlikely to keep them reading,

    You forgot to tell your audience WHAT you will do for them.

    They pay $20 and get a listing and membership. WHICH DOES WHAT???

    I don't mean a conclusionary statement, such as growing your membership. Yawn. Something like:

    This new service will _________________ explain in FACTUAL detail what it does.

    (I would have added some details here, but without looking at your website, just from the email I have no clue what you're offering.)

    Add an EXAMPLE / TESTIMONIAL.

    Get their juices and emotions flowing. Then provide a link to your website where you can provide more information, pricing, etc.
    • [1] reply
    • In the opening of the email I recommend you focus on just one benefit of your service and use a story to help the prospect visualize it. Something like:

      "As you know, when there's a crisis, there's nothing like the support of your church community.

      A few weeks ago, a woman who belongs to a Baptist church in the midwest suffered an aneurysm and had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery.

      In less than an hour the word went out to her church family. Plans were quickly made for meal deliveries and offers to babysit her young children so her husband could be constantly at his wife's side in the hospital.

      This communication happened without the pastor or anyone having to pick up a phone or send a group email.

      And without using social media, which is far too public.

      How did they get the word out so quickly?

      This church is part of Focus On the Church, which provides....."

      Then you can insert a bulleted list of your other services, followed by a call to action.

      Hope this helps a little. Good luck with your email campaign.
  • Banned
    [DELETED]
  • Does come across a little like a sales pitch. Not reflecting on the intrinsic value of the product, which might be of great benefit to a pastor, but the fact that they might be intrigued by the product coupled with the spam-sell might scare/piss them off and do more damage than good.

    Looks like Garland and Mac have laid out a pretty effective marketing program for you, nothing to add here.
  • Hey Dennis...

    Been a while bro

    This is pretty killer...

    Only thing I'd take out is "for only $19.97." and just leave the $10 off part.

    Then let the sales page build the value before you reveal the actual price.
  • Aside from other comments, I would consider rewording this sentence...

    "If you answered "yes" to any of the above statements, keep reading because we've got the answer you've been waiting for."

    Maybe say something like ..."keep reading and discover the answer" or something like that as that is the point the letter became salesish to me. I don't know you to even know if I would believe the answers you have.

    Just my 2 cents.

    Sorry, forgot one more thing. Be sure your audience is comfortable with the method of payment you are using. You may want to offer other options if priests don't carry credit cards or have paypal :-)
  • Thanks a lot for ALL the comments and help! I had someone email me and give me a few suggestions and now and a little disappointed..

    First, I don't have a sales letter yet and he said with the targeted audience he felt it would not work, and also that pastors and church administrators are hard to sell?

    What do you think about having a sales letter to sell them on? I mean they are pastors so not sure?

    I appreciate any help you have on this as I have spent a lot of time building this

    Also.. hi Jason, yes it has been awile.. you doing ok? Nice to see you again!

    regards,
    Dennis
    • [2] replies
    • >>> What do you think about having a sales letter to sell them on? I mean they are pastors so not sure?

      At some point or other... you do have to sell.

      You can do this on the phone or in person. Sell one-by-one.

      Or, you can do a majority of the selling through the written word.

      A salesletter is a way to put this selling into an easy-to-consume format.

      So, it's not the salesletter that's likely a turn-off. But, it's not using the right words to grab their attention and persuade that's the problem.

      Your salesletter should have the core message you would deliver in person.

      Moreover, the salesletter format is not so important... as it is that you do sell. The salesletter is just a way to help you do this.

      You might even deliver the message via video... in email... in a report... a webinar... and so on. The message is more important than delivery (as long as the delivery doesn't butcher the message).
    • Hey Dennis... yeah man... doing good here.

      Good luck with this project.

      "First, I don't have a sales letter yet and he said with the targeted audience he felt it would not work, and also that pastors and church administrators are hard to sell?"

      That's actually probably a sign that it could do very well lol...

      They've got to have dreams of having a "Church Empire"... you know, a massive church...

      I'd say lace into those emotions just a tad... "Imagine all the people you can help when your church is ____+ members"

      And give them a reason why to buy it to justify it... but the real reason will be to satisfy their biggest desires.

      But you probably know the target market more than I do... Just thought that might be on. I might be totally off.
  • Hi Dennis

    You have great enthusiasm, which shines through
    your copy!

    But, having read your email, I don't understand what
    you're offering.

    How does your product help them to "contact your
    church members, disciple them, update them, and
    grow them instantly and conveniently"?

    Also, I agree with those Warriors who said you're
    trying to sell too fast.

    Email marketing is all about building a relationship
    with the people who've opted in (?) to receive your
    emails. (Most people buy only after 7-9 contacts
    with a seller.)

    If you just send this email to a whole lot of full-time
    Christian workers (I prefer this term, as no one was
    ever addressed as "Pastor" in New Testament times -
    it's a modern invention [see Matthew 23:6-13]) out
    of the blue, someone may report you for spam.

    But having said that, your writing's not bad at all.

    Kind regards

    Eldo
  • Banned
    [DELETED]
  • Thanks for the tips.. I am going to have to rethink my plan.. I wasn't thinking on an email list?

    But I could create a squeeze page offering a 3-5 page short report on how the internet is THE medium for getting new church members(thanks Garland), in email format sprinkling my site throughout it.

    Do you think I should do a short form salesletter or a long form salesletter?

    Any more tips or ideas will be GREATLY appreciated!

    Regards,
    Dennis
Join the discussion

Next Topics on Trending Feed