I'm a n00b Copywriter. Still, my first sales letter looks so professional.. Your views?

Hey Karan,
Us of involvement device in your copy is impressive. Nowadays involvement devices are necessary to grab your reader's attention.

One thing I would like to tell you is that your copy was good. But the way you started with "Dear Colleague" sounded to me not impressive.

I don't know about others, but for me it was not that touchy. As the visitors will be completely unknown to you and if you start with a dear colleague that will sound a bit vague to your readers. It is not connecting with me.

Moreover use Boldface in the sentences above your screen shots.

Just split-test and ALL D BEST

Warren.

Hey Karan,

Why don't you use editorial type of start for your copy? It is been proved that editorial type of sales letter pull in more cash than our usual sales letter.

Here is something I would like to contribute.
"How do you feel to give your hard earned money to those backlink providers to gain nothing than a bit of high ranking? What would you think if I say that just for a small amount of what you spend on achieving a better ranking you can rank on Google's 1st page".

If you want to know how, keep reading and you will come across my secret to beat the competiton and dominate the big G"

Happy to Help

Warren.

Hi Karan,

It's a good effort, but there's always room for improvement:

Your headline is too long and I had to read through it a couple of times just to work out exactly what you meant. Keep it simple and direct.

In your screenshots, make it clear they're your sites you're highlighting.

I'm not your "good friend".

You don't really cover all the benefits of backlinks -why would I want them? What do they do? What does a high SERP mean?

On your order form you say join while it's still available - that's cool but I'd explain in the body copy that you're only offering this to 500(?) people so it doesn't become too saturated. And for less than $2 a week, you're expecting it to fill up soon...

And no disrespect intended to Warren, but his opening copy for you barely makes sense.

It would help to have a picture of yourself in the beginning of the copy to appear more personal. Id also ad your signature at the bottom.

Hey Karan

As a guy who is actally trying to build backlinks right now and getting the chance to read your page....


I liked it! I was hooked and read it all the way down to the end.

Im not that good at copywriting and i came here to learn, so with that being said...

Its possible that some of the things these pros are mentioning above would have improved it.

But for your first one, i feel you are doing great...way better than im doing right now with my website.

Hope this helps

LaPrentiss

When you say things like
"Because you're my good friend"
It makes me feel like you're trying to pull a fast one.

I would go with
"Because I know how miserable it can be fighting through the SEO-Trenches."
or something like that.

Hi Karen,

Personally I would use the pre-head as an opportunity to qualify a certain group of people that your offer is aimed at eg struggling internet marketers trying to get traffic or something along those lines.

People may have no idea what high PR profile backlinks are even though they may still need them. If they dont understand it then you have lost them very early on in your copy.

I think you need to redo your headline, it took me a few reads to get it and Im still not sure I do. I would probably get rid of the whole backlinks thing from the headline on laser focus in on getting fast rankings in Google within a certain time frame.

I just skimmed through the rest of the copy and Im not sure if its my monitor or not but the font looks very sore on the eyes. Also Im not sure about the amount of steps or points I think you may have over done it.

Testimonials where are they ? All we have is your word for it. It would be interesting to see some testimonials and proof from other sources.

Your guarantee does not stand out enough and its slightly confusing. You say there is a 200% guarantee - we may unsubscribe at any time and then what, do I get my money back ?

I hope those points help.

Karan,

I have sort of been noodling through your offer and copy for the past couple of days.

First, from a copywriting perspective, I think you did a great initial effort--unequivocally. I'm impressed and I hope you do well with it.

(While there are typos and grammar errors, do whatever it takes to get it launched quickly.)

BUT--and I'm sure you thought about this--but I'll say it anyway--I think you might be leaving money on the table.

While your pricing is very affordable, here's something to consider:

1. What's the biggest hurdle you have to overcome these days? Skepticism. Doubt. People are jaded.

Here's how you can overcome and do everyone a service in the process.

Offer the first month's (4 weeks) for FREE. No charge, no longer term commitment required. Just sign up now and they'll start climbing the search engines.

Now, I know you are going to say "people are going to rip me off."

Yeah, some will. But most won't. But what's your hard cost? It's not like you have a lot money in each and every customer.

2. Now one reason you may not want to offer, is because the service doesn't show dramatic immediate improvement. That's ok. Just set and preframe the expectations of the results and how long it's going to take. Sure, everybody likes immediate gratification and the possibility of instantaneous success, but again, your honesty in the copy can win them over. What do they have to lose? Maybe just a little bit of time.

3. You can handle payment one of two ways: Either take their credit card info upfront and then if they don't contact you to cancel, just bill them automatically after 30 days. I would put in your copy that given the nature of the subscription, there are no refunds and make that clear.

The other way to handle is to not require a credit card initially, this will boost the number of people who sign-up.

I've seen this work both ways and you'll get more customers faster if you go the second way.

For instance, The LA TIMES, regularly offers six week free subscriptions. Last time I signed up, I was at a grocery store, the woman reached out and made an irresistible offer:

* Six free weeks subscription
* Plus a $10 gift card for anything in the store.

In six weeks, unless I canceled, I'd be billed $11 a month. So obviously they are going negative initially, but the continuity program makes up the loss in the first 3 months.

I'm not advocating you go negative. I'm advocating you make them an irresistible offer.

4. The great thing about this is what? Your list will be built rapidly, much more rapidly than normal. Even if they cancel, you'll still have the opportunity to market other things to them.

5. Then one of the things you can do next is offer a "done for you" approach. Where you do all the heavy lifting of posting the backlinks. Or you can make them offers for other things which they can benefit from. But the key is you now have a targeted list of IM folks. If you nurture it, over time it will become incredibly valuable.

6. The last thing, is to offer a bonus. I don't know what that bonus should be except to say in this case, it should complement the offer. Maybe teach folks the value of backlinks or how to find backlinks on their own, or how to get the status of their backlinks. Or how to probably post their backlinks for maximum effect.

7. Also, in every week's packet, I'd make them an offer of some sort. Because you *KNOW* they are going to read it.

In a nutshell, you just don't have immediate income, you are building an asset, you're providing value and you have infinite opportunity to leverage everything.

- Rick Duris

@Loren Woirhaye:
So, I should consider that my prospective is "illiterate"? Wouldn't that make my copy too long?

@TheSalesTechnician:
A picture. Why not!

@ASCW:
OK. Noted that off.

@Dave d:
(It's Karan)
I'll try and condense the headline ASAP. But, how do I keep me pre-head such that it's aimed at those who are struggling, but still do not know what backlinks are?
I do not have any current customers to collect testimonies from. I'm looking at opportunities at Fiverr to get reviews from people.

OK. I'll redo the guarantee.

@RickDuris:
That was quite a good help. I have made a note of everything you told.

============================

A big thank you to all the people who replied above. I've noted down each of your points, and I'll act on them ASAP.

I hope I'll get a modified copy by next week, for your comments.

But, I might just miss it, as my half-yearly exams are on the head.

Thanks
Karan

Some excellent advice given here by veteran copywriters already Karan.

I agree, it's a good first sales letter and much more professional than my first 20 sales letters but we won't go there. lol.

Just from a quick glance, I'd recommend you

call more attention to your 200% guarantee.

You know how Rick was saying skepticism is the big hurdle you have to cross first?

One way that won't take much time, effort or brainsweat on your part at all, but which could very well make a big difference for you

is to "sell" your guarantee more.

When I first looked at it, it was buried in black small print somewhere near the order button which is "okay".

But I think you add a guarantee graphic and then put your

“Your Totally Risk Free 200% Guarantee!”
as sort of a sub-head.

Then you can spell out the terms.

One secret I learned from Clayton Makepeace with guarantees
is how you can actually turn your guarantee into a selling device on its own.

For instance, if you already have a couple hundred members,
use that for your advantage.

When you take your test drive today, you're joining 200 other satisfied members
who are also protected by this 200% guarantee.

But just like not a single one of those 200 has actually ever asked to use it,
because they are totally satisfied, I believe you'll be overjoyed with what you're
receiving today too.

Just click here now for instant access

This way, you turn the guarantee into a powerful risk free "social proof" selling device for you which is just one more opportunity to get the order.

You may test making the sub-head for your guarantee in red to make it stand out.

Blue (promotes trust) is a good color for a guarantee graphic.

Hope you find this helpful to you and congratulations on taking action
with your first sales letter!

That was a GREAT post, Rick... some really sexy ideas. I can see why the businesses you work with love you so much.
To the OP... for a first effort... wow... impressive.

A lot of others are making good points... but here's something that jumped out at me. Loren kind of touched on it but I wanted to offer my own slant...

Basically... you're selling backlinks... and you shouldn't be.

You should be selling higher Google rankings... more traffic... more money... and the benefits that come with that (money, prestige, etc).

You definitely don't push the "Pain buttons" hard enough for my liking. If it were me, the start would talk about how hard it is to get traffic... why traffic's essential to an internet business... and stuff like that.

I also think you're missing credibility. You have no proof whatsoever (apart from the pic at the top, which IMHO needs more explanation) these backlinks actually help people get their end result - I'd add testimonials, results of your own, anything you've got.

Just a few thoughts.

-Dan

OK, peeps.

I'm done with the initial editing.

This is what I've done:

-Changed headline a bit.
-Guarantee at top.
-Added my pic
-Changed font size
-Graphic for guarantee

I've not changed the contents of the copy, as I am going to target a group of people who KNOW what are backlinks, SERPS, SEO etc etc.

I am not aiming at people who are completely illiterate about SEO and google the term "build backlinks" and come to my sales letter.

:: Karans Weekly Backlink Packets

Karan

Really good stuff, especially if it is your first.

It is great that you open right off the bat with proof...

However, here are some improvements that i thought could help you...

Rethink the headline: It is passive-sounding

i.e. you need email + 90s to rank

I'd recommend flipping that around

i.e. Rank easily in 90 seconds

plus i think the email address kinda puts people on a tangent, since they are looking to rank their website...

I understand that you send the weekly backlink packet to their email or need the email for profile sign ups, but that's more or less a given.

Focus on the benefit that the backlinks have for the user - More traffic

which brings me to my next point, all of your proof elements are great, but
having a screen shot of your traffic stats in my opinion will knock the ball out the park

Shorten the pre head, take away those hand drawn arrows above the 'download now' button (join now would also be more appropriate)

And as a bonus 'dimensionize' your benefits as clayton makepeace would put...
e.g. Backlinks are consistent and diverse - that's a feature

the benefit - you get perpetual traffic months after you set it up
or instead of putting all your eggs in one basket your creating a portfolio of iron-clad backlinks that will bring you customers day in n day out

But overall you have a very nice sales letter, you could also test doing a video for this and create a squeeze page style, since upfront your offer is free... see how well that converts for you. Good Luck!

-Mac

OK. So, after a lot of work, I have changed the pre-head, and modded the headline a little bit. I'm going to re-phrase the guarantee, and some other stuff tomorrow.

Karan

Karan, it is a strong first effort - you can see a lot of work went into it.

However, I don't know if anyone else has mentioned, but I think you chose weak screen caps of ranking results. Its not the ranking that's weak, its the phrases.

I just checked the first 3 examples and virtually NO GOOGLE ADS on any of them. Last one I looked at has only one, for instance. These strike me as having much less commercial intent and it shows because of little advertiser interest.

Do you have examples where the phrases you rank for have more value for advertisers?
Perhaps you could include some of those screen caps in the sales letter?
_____
Bruce