What do you guys think of my headline?

36 replies
Hello fellow Warriors,

Im starting my education on copywriting, and the goal i have now is to get people to join my mailing list.

So of course i need a good starting headline.

Here's what i have come up with so far:

**UPDATED**

People were still referring to my old headline:

"FREE Expert Advice On 10 Vital Things You Need to Know To Truly Get The Hemorrhoid Treatment You Need Today... Guaranteed!"

Even after i changed it down below, so i figured to post it up here:

FREE Expert Advice On Hemorrhoid Treatments That will Stop The Burning & Itching Guaranteed!

I would love to hear some of your opinions.

My own opinion, is i think its a little long, but its 20 words and through the headline analyzer reaches people intellectually and spiritually.


Thanks for any inputs

LaPrentiss
#guys #headline
  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hi LaPrentiss,

    Your opinion's spot on.

    Also, and this is worse than it being too long and rather awkwardly phrased, I don't really understand it.... It's not clear what you're offering.

    And I'd ignore the headline analyzer, it's a gimmicky toy - not a useful tool.

    Exactly what is it you're offering in exchange for the reader's email address? (I'm off to bed very shortly, but knowing this should aid anyone else who decides to help you.)
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  • Try to read it out loud to yourself a few times - when I did, it didn't really flow...
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  • Profile picture of the author michaelhearne
    instead of: "FREE Expert Advice On 10 Vital Things You Need to Know To Truly Get The Hemorrhoid Treatment You Need Today... Guaranteed!"

    maybe something like: "10 Things You Can Do to Instantly Stop the Itching and Burning of Hemorrhoids..."

    Combines a problem with a benefit... uses less words... but really dude, you should write a lot of them and test them, because changing one word can do amazing things to conversions - or absolutely nothing, but you won;t know without testing...

    Also, you might take out the exclamation point...

    totally agree with the other advice given so far...

    congrats on taking some action towards your goals...
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  • Profile picture of the author sizzleld
    Wow!

    I didnt know i'd get responses to this so fast!

    Its that bad huh? Just kidding thanks for all of your replies!

    The goal is to get people to sign up for a minicourse about hemorrhoids.

    I originally called it "10 Vital Things You Must Know About Hemorrhoids"

    It teaches people

    -what hemorrhoids are
    -what causes them
    -prevention
    -talks about the different types of treatments
    all sprinkled with the promotions of my product.

    Thanks again for the quick replies.

    If anyone has any more...please keep them coming

    Thanks a million

    LaPrentiss
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi LaPrentiss,

      Do people really want more information on hemorrhoids, or do they just want relief?

      It would seem to me, unless they have some recurring hemorrhoidal problem, what they primarily would want is immediate relief. Now your course may deliver on that promise, I don't know.

      Like "Natural Hemorrhoidal Cures."

      - Rick Duris
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      • Profile picture of the author sizzleld
        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        Hi LaPrentiss,

        Do people really want more information on hemorrhoids, or do they just want relief?

        It would seem to me, unless they have some recurring hemorrhoidal problem, what they primarily would want is immediate relief. Now your course may deliver on that promise, I don't know.

        Like "Natural Hemorrhoidal Cures."

        - Rick Duris
        You are absolutely right...people do want immediate relief. Wow, i have been going about this the whole way. Thanks for your insight...i know what i need to do now.

        Originally Posted by TheSalesTechnician View Post

        10 Vital Things You MUST Know To Eliminate Your Hemorrhoids Forever!

        theres a good start. Keep it short.
        Thanks for the clean slate and starter headline!


        LaPrentiss
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  • 10 Vital Things You MUST Know To Eliminate Your Hemorrhoids Forever!

    theres a good start. Keep it short.
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  • Profile picture of the author sizzleld
    Ok...i have a rewrite:

    FREE Expert Advice On Hemorrhoid Treatments That will Stop The Burning & Itching Guaranteed!

    Much shorter, clearer, and i think better than my previous one.

    ok bring on the critques....i'm ready for them.


    Thanks again for everyone's help, whether you are just coming by and laughing at me and leaving with no response or if you are replying here, im glad to get it all.


    Thanks again

    LaPrentiss
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  • Profile picture of the author sahala
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      My Thinking is the same as Rick's...a sufferer wants it cured now.

      In the sufferers ideal world I would imagine this would be what he wants to read...

      "Cures Hemorrhoids In 6 Days Or Your Money Back"

      The closer your report gets to delivering that promise, the closer is the match made in heaven... for you both.

      All the best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    I might do something like

    "You Already Know Hemorrhoids Suck!"

    I Suffered Too, Until I Discovered an Easy, Free Treatment You've Probably Never Heard About

    I'd like to share this safe and natural treatment with you in my free report. Just enter your name and email and I'll send this amazing information straight to your email in-box.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rock Solid
    Way too long, really quite a mouthful. What about mixing it up a bit and grabbing attention from people instead of sounding like all other taglines? Something like:

    "YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! I Have Solutions. 10 Of Them In Fact."

    Meh I'm just a fan of NOT sounding like a robotic sales program and trying to be AS human as possible. Some great suggestions above as well.
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    • Profile picture of the author sizzleld
      Awesome stuff,

      Ok, ill go through the latest replies and share my thoughts...

      Originally Posted by Rock Solid View Post

      Way too long, really quite a mouthful. What about mixing it up a bit and grabbing attention from people instead of sounding like all other taglines? Something like:

      "YOU HAVE HEMORRHOIDS! I Have Solutions. 10 Of Them In Fact."

      Meh I'm just a fan of NOT sounding like a robotic sales program and trying to be AS human as possible. Some great suggestions above as well.
      Thanks for the advice Rock Solid, im kinda new to this so i feel i have to go off of some type of structured headline in order to at least start off on.

      Im sure as i do this more ill get better and think up some creative ways to make headlines. But for now ill follow in the footsteps of those who have been successful before me until i can walk my own path.

      Im glad you have found your own style, hopefully ill find mine too.


      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      I might do something like
      Thanks for the idea Loren, but the solution im providing is not free, but the information to the solution is, and the main purpose of this page will be to get people to sign up to get the info on the best hemorrhoid treatment.

      Also, i havent suffered from it, but i know of a few who have...
      Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

      My Thinking is the same as Rick's...a sufferer wants it cured now.

      In the sufferers ideal world I would imagine this would be what he wants to read...

      "Cures Hemorrhoids In 6 Days Or Your Money Back"

      The closer your report gets to delivering that promise, the closer is the match made in heaven... for you both.

      All the best,
      Ewen
      Thanks Ewen for your response as well. To be honest i have a solution that works in 48 hours....so i may take that into consideration.

      The main thing im trying to do is get people who are having problems to sign up for free advice to getting the best solution for their hemorrhoid.

      I think im going to make several headlines and use google's tools to test each of them.


      Thanks again for the help everyone!

      LaPrentiss
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Originally Posted by sizzleld View Post


        Thanks Ewen for your response as well. To be honest i have a solution that works in 48 hours....so i may take that into consideration.
        Big tip here, put an s on the end of cure and response goes up.

        Saying "how to cure x" isn't as strong as saying "cures x"

        Another straight to the point headline is "Hemorrhoids Gone In 48 Hours Or Your Money Back".

        There you have two excellent headlines to test. Replace gone with cured and see which one wins.

        That structure comes from a corn cure featured in the 100 Greatest headlines

        All the best,
        Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Rock Solid
    I think it's pretty cool actually having a bunch of people work on a headline for a product together. I know that crowdsourcing is getting more and more popular, crowdsourcing text is a pretty interesting concept. Imagine crowdsourcing a product... beyond just a headline. Take 1000 people and have them slowly create a product together, voting up and down new areas/chapters/content...?

    Huh, gives me a couple ideas. (PATENT PENDING)

    =)
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  • Profile picture of the author sizzleld
    Yep, Im pretty sure its something everyone would win on!

    Your patent has been noted...hehe

    LaPrentiss
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    You did say in your first post your goal was to build
    a mailing list, not sell ointments or whatever.

    Building a list is smart, but... um... well, I've had
    hemorrhoids and information about a free, instant
    solution would have got my attention a LOT better
    than information about some butt cream, which I
    already know about and can buy at any drug and
    most health-food stores.

    See, H-treatment is a mature, competitive market
    and you'll need an appeal which cuts through the
    existing information which is that ointments and
    other treatments are widely available.
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  • Profile picture of the author Gator1
    Yes, it is way to long. You need to capture interest in the first few seconds or your doomed. Be short, to the point and very direct.
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  • Profile picture of the author Todd R
    LaPrentiss,

    Your addressing a narrow niche. Either you've got hemorrhoids or you don't. I suggest you start the headline by identifying who you're speaking to. Start off with the word HEMORROIDS... It speaks directly to the people who are concerned about that issue. You don't mention hemorroid until the 16th word. You bury it.

    Then talk about the information you need to find relief.
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  • Profile picture of the author Gary Pettit
    This whole thread is a prime example of why the Warrior Forum is such a valuable tool. This was a pleasure (and an enlightening one) to watch go back and forth.

    To Todd R's comment I would add only this: HEMORROID RELIEF! Instant! Guaranteed! Free Report!
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    • Profile picture of the author bikramksingh
      Originally Posted by sparkie2260 View Post


      To Todd R's comment I would add only this: HEMORROID RELIEF! Instant! Guaranteed! Free Report!
      This one sounds much better. This has the punch. Just add a powerful action word ( call to action word or phrase) right before Free report, and it will do the trick.

      Bikram
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  • Profile picture of the author cosmoslad
    Using the word "truly" in a sales pitch is a warning sign to your audience.
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  • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
    "Hemorrhoids Are a Major Pain in the Butt...
    Here's How You Can Experience Instant Relief Now!"
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    • Profile picture of the author straygoat
      Ha ha...I like that pain in the butt one. That works best for me - short and to the point.

      Like the others have said, shorten it, make your offer clear, and ditch dubious words like 'truly'.
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    these threads are such a waste. who cares about the opinions?

    we're not in the opinion business. you can't pay your bills with opinions, can you?

    Make like a marketer and run a split test. (crazy idea)

    let the data will tell you whats important.

    end of story.
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    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Dave,

      Some guys do run out of ideas for something new to test.

      All the best,
      Ewen

      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      these threads are such a waste. who cares about the opinions?

      we're not in the opinion business. you can't pay your bills with opinions, can you?

      Make like a marketer and run a split test. (crazy idea)

      let the data will tell you whats important.

      end of story.
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    Ewen.... gotta be a student of the game. people that are testing don't post these things. :-)
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    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
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    • Profile picture of the author sizzleld
      Wow! I need to keep up with this thread.

      Ive been gone for a while and now I'm back to reply to the latest posts:

      Originally Posted by Todd R View Post

      LaPrentiss,

      Your addressing a narrow niche. Either you've got hemorrhoids or you don't. I suggest you start the headline by identifying who you're speaking to. Start off with the word HEMORROIDS... It speaks directly to the people who are concerned about that issue. You don't mention hemorroid until the 16th word. You bury it.

      Then talk about the information you need to find relief.
      I have revamped my last headline to something just a little bit better:

      FREE Expert Advice On Hemorrhoid Treatments That will Stop The Burning & Itching Guaranteed!

      Now its the fourth word. i do like the points you have and it has given me more ideas to test out. And i have added you as a friend.Thanks for your help.


      Originally Posted by sparkie2260 View Post

      This whole thread is a prime example of why the Warrior Forum is such a valuable tool. This was a pleasure (and an enlightening one) to watch go back and forth.

      To Todd R's comment I would add only this: HEMORROID RELIEF! Instant! Guaranteed! Free Report!
      Yea i love this place too! And your headline is very different with plenty of exclamation points! Thanks for reading and for your headline ideas.

      Originally Posted by bikramksingh View Post

      This one sounds much better. This has the punch. Just add a powerful action word ( call to action word or phrase) right before Free report, and it will do the trick.

      Bikram
      Thanks for the reinforcement comment Bikram, I'll see what i can do with it!

      Originally Posted by cosmoslad View Post

      Using the word "truly" in a sales pitch is a warning sign to your audience.
      Lesson learned and it is now removed...Thanks for the tip! It boosted my Headline analyzer score, so its why i used it. But now its gone....

      Originally Posted by 247Copywriter View Post

      "Hemorrhoids Are a Major Pain in the Butt...
      Here's How You Can Experience Instant Relief Now!"
      It sounds a little comedic in a sense, and i was once told that comedy doesn't make money...

      but what do i know...im just starting at this. Thanks for the inspiring headline!

      Originally Posted by straygoat View Post

      Ha ha...I like that pain in the butt one. That works best for me - short and to the point.

      Like the others have said, shorten it, make your offer clear, and ditch dubious words like 'truly'.
      Working on this...and i have eliminated the word Truly out of my Copywriting dictionary.

      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      these threads are such a waste. who cares about the opinions?

      we're not in the opinion business. you can't pay your bills with opinions, can you?

      Make like a marketer and run a split test. (crazy idea)

      let the data will tell you whats important.

      end of story.
      If no one cared about opinions then there would be zero replies here. This gives people a chance to share and express ideas and viewpoints...at the least its bringing the community together to be a closer group.

      Which is why people like this forum. And i do plan on running split tests...but i like knowing people opinions who have done this before. And others here love giving it. I hope this helps answer your question.

      Originally Posted by davemiz View Post

      Ewen.... gotta be a student of the game. people that are testing don't post these things. :-)
      Why? is there a problem with doing both?


      Thanks everyone that i have replied to and those i didn't reply to.

      I honestly wasn't expecting anyone else to reply.

      But Its all good! If you have any ideas to improve my new headline, i would love to hear them!

      Thanks again

      LaPrentiss
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  • Profile picture of the author mixxa
    Well said mate! So on the hole its ok!??
    Ha! sorry i had to go there. ;D
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  • Profile picture of the author clark31
    You want to make it eye opening and make the viewer curious enough to read it.
    So... here are a few ideas for you.

    The Dirty Truth About Hemorrhoids Exposed
    What To Do About Hemorrhoids Before It's Too Late
    The Secret For Hemorrhoids Revealed in 5 Simple Steps
    Shocking Facts About Hemorrhoid Treatments Told By An Expert
    A Simple Free Trick For Hemorrhoids Revealed
    Instant Solutions To Hemorrhoids In Step by Step Detail

    Hope that helps a little - just be creative!
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    On the whole, this thread feels good.

    But...

    I've got a burning feeling that we've gone around
    and around the rim without ever fully plunging in.
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    • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
      Just when the OP's getting to the bottom of it...

      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      I've got a burning feeling that we've gone around
      and around the rim without ever fully plunging in.
      You can trust a mod to take it to a hole new level...
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      Andrew Gould

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Move over Kevin Rogers, there's a new comedian in da house!

      Ewen

      Originally Posted by BrianMcLeod View Post

      On the whole, this thread feels good.

      But...

      I've got a burning feeling that we've gone around
      and around the rim without ever fully plunging in.
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  • Profile picture of the author davemiz
    haha... nice one brian and andrew!
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    “Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.”
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

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  • Profile picture of the author edcampbill
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    • Profile picture of the author gavinol
      Nice headline..keep it up..
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  • I think Rock Solid has really great idea. Really short and to the point.

    "... You Need to Know To Truly Get .." I don't like that part, feels wrong.
    Personally, I think long headline is not good, especially if it is one long sentence.
    Just my opinion.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Jones
    There have been so many great suggestions already but I thought this was short and sweet:

    "Receive Free Hemorrhoid cures today!"

    It's not dishonest as information is being freely given that leads to cures.

    Daniel
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