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Care to Grade My Sales Ptich?

by sree94
11 replies
I have gotten quite a few visitors in a short time, but no sales.

Any ideas on what I am doing wrong?

Get Women to Come Up to You FIRST, With No Effort On Your Part!
#care #grade #ptich #sales
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Let's take a look at Exhibit A:

    How I went from a guy who couldn't BUY attention from women, to a guy who has women coming up to me ALL THE TIME
    Apparently there's never a camera around, or you would be in the photo with the stock photo models you're using.

    The copy is missing what copy guru Eugene Schwartz called belief structure. Without credibility to claims, the claims are not going to compel visitors.

    As I pointed out, it's not hard to get. Show youself with the women. Explain your credentials for being an expert in the subject. Put up some testimonials from people who've used the technique.

    You're treating the site like there aren't 5,000 competitors out there. You're not the first one to pitch this product. You had better figure out a unique selling proposition and speak from a position of authority.
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    • Profile picture of the author sree94
      Originally Posted by John_S View Post

      Let's take a look at Exhibit A:



      Apparently there's never a camera around, or you would be in the photo with the stock photo models you're using.

      The copy is missing what copy guru Eugene Schwartz called belief structure. Without credibility to claims, the claims are not going to compel visitors.

      As I pointed out, it's not hard to get. Show youself with the women. Explain your credentials for being an expert in the subject. Put up some testimonials from people who've used the technique.

      You're treating the site like there aren't 5,000 competitors out there. You're not the first one to pitch this product. You had better figure out a unique selling proposition and speak from a position of authority.

      The thing is, I want to maintain my privacy
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  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    Teach a star pupil, be the ghost writer for him, put his name on it, and sell it that way. You could do it as a joint venture and give him (or them) a share of sales for participation.

    For every problem there is a solution ....if you look for one.

    That still doesn't explain the lack of testimonials or use of stock photos or any proof. No wait ...lemme guess. See the thing is you want to honor everyone else's privacy.

    Sounds a little too convenient to me, but hey, enjoy your current level of success. You still have all those women.
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Yeah. Not much credibility to the pitch here. This
    is underwritten and needs a lot of specifics to get
    men to go ahead. Your guarantee isn't stated in
    a way that inspires confidence.

    I think the model pictures are a little strange too. A
    picture of a regular-looking man chatting up a couple
    of nice-looking not slutty-looking women would be more
    in line with how a man reading your page might see
    his results.

    If your page was about how to pick up strippers the
    pictures might fit better.
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    • Profile picture of the author colmodwyer
      Apparently there's never a camera around
      Funny.

      The sales letter doesn't pass the bullshit test, and saying you want to maintain your privacy makes it even more suspect without a great reason why.

      But that's just one problem of many...

      See if you can woo one of the female copywriters here and convince them to go to work on your website for you, because your sales copy is nowhere near where it needs to be if you want to take a slice from this industry.

      Colm
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  • Profile picture of the author chief1
    Banned
    [DELETED]
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  • Profile picture of the author sree94
    I too wondered if the pictures that I used weren't a bit much
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    The domain name What To Say To Women and your copy seem to be be nearly diametrically opposed = doesn't make sense to me...

    "How you would feel if you could get women to come talk to YOU, and not the other way around. Imagine the confidence you would feel. What would your friends think of you? And more importantly, how would OTHER women view you?"

    Your copy is talking about ATTRACTING women to you yet your domain name is about something totally different and that's what to SAY to them once they talk to you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    On the copy I'd have to agree with all the other comments.

    GRAPHICALLY just a few observations:
    The top photo of the girl looks like you captured it from another site and tried to blot out whatever was in the lower third. Cropping is all wrong. ....and it's off center from the whole page.

    The next girl looks completely generic - like any of a million sites with pics of pretty women. "Download Now" buttons are way too oversize and don;t look serious or properly proportionate.

    ALL the copy from what I saw is BOLD. (even the text)
    Which means nothing stands out.

    Site has a real 'cut and paste' quality that does not result in credibility, unfortunately.
    _______
    Bruce
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  • Profile picture of the author J.Knight
    sree94,

    Take on board pretty much everything the others have said. If you really want to sell what you have, and you don't want to hire a professional, then you have a lot of work ahead of you.

    Without going over your product, it's difficult to fully help you. What Justin points out is a critical point, the domain tells me I'm going to learn exactly what I need to say to women, whereas your copy says, "How you would feel if you could get women to come talk to YOU, and not the other way around."

    What does your product say? Be consistent.

    Your copy positions you as an authority. However, there are no credentials and no proof, and that's why there are no sales.

    My advice?

    For what it's worth, your copy needs rewritten, and instead of positioning yourself as an authority, position yourself as the reluctant hero.

    Your reluctant hero story would go something like this...

    You 'stumbled' on this secret and it worked for you. You thought you were lucky, but then you told your mate while you were out for a round of golf one Saturday.

    The next day you get a call from him where he's ranting about how your technique totally rocked... etc etc... so he came up with this bright idea that you could make a fortune out of it.

    You thought about it, but didn't feel it was right to take lots of money from people for something you just 'stumble' on even though it could CHANGE YOUR LIFE. So you decided to sell it for peanuts... yadda yadda...

    Get the picture?

    JK
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