My first ever sales letter, please review :)

16 replies
Hello.

I am just about to launch my new site and would really like to have your critiques/comments on my sales page and whole site.

The sales letter was created by Kenneth Rearden from this forum.

I have added my own touches to it, added bonuses, created few graphics and a header.

PLEASE let me know what you think, do not be afraid to critique, that's what I'm asking for.

My Sales Letter: Start Your Own Script Selling Business

Thank you very much!
#business #letter #review #sales #script #selling
  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    I think it needs a lot of work. It explains the basics of the
    income opportunity well (BTW - you are selling "get rich quick" - even
    if that's not how you think about it) - I like that here - people
    are confused in general by the whole internet.

    The letter asserts that the internet runs on scripts and that
    almost all people with websites or businesses need to buy scripts -
    which is a stretch. I'd prefer to see you prove it with references
    to articles in credible magazines like Forbes or Business Week.

    The formatting is not good. Headline is too small... and I'm unimpressed
    with it,

    in addition to being poorly proofread, this line also is pure puffery and
    makes my B.S. detector go off -
    "the this will be the most important letter you ever read!"

    so - I'd say you need a few more drafts at least.
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  • Profile picture of the author shreder
    Thanks a lot! I will certainly take your advice in consideration but the only question I have is why you think it's a get rich quick?

    I obviously said that that income I made was in a long term.
    I never said something like "$3000 on your first month" or similar...

    It's obvious that you won't find an article in Forbes saying that the Internet runs on scripts, or a reference to Joomla or WordPress... At least now from what I know...

    I'd appreciate more critiques from anyone, whether it's good or bad it will help me a lot!
    If you can be specific about certain things it would be better as I'll know what to change.

    Thank you.
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  • Profile picture of the author write-stuff
    I did notice a couple of mistakes in the first two paragraphs. I'm with Loren on the scripts thing. If you're talking about .php applets (I've never been quite sure what all this "scripts" stuff is), I doubt more than 10% use them. Maybe even 1%. The bold claim that scripts run the internet is just nonesense and misleading.
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  • Hi Shreder!

    I'm not a copywriter, but it doesn't take one to know that your sales letter needs some serious proofreading.

    Case in point...

    Code:
    the this will be the most important letter you ever read!
    And...

    Code:
    that quickly become the "flavous of the month".
    These errors are just in the first two paragraphs of the page.

    There are also a lot of awkwardly constructed sentences. Inconsistent tenses here and there may also cause some confusion on the part of the reader.

    There are many proofreaders in the Warrior forum, and a number of them have very affordable rates. Perhaps a few of them will take the initiative to contact you.

    Please take these criticisms constructively, Shreder. As Warriors, we all want each other to succeed. Personally, I'm just afraid that one grammatical or typographical error may cause you some sales from people who will deem such mistakes as intolerably unprofessional.


    - Johnny
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  • Profile picture of the author shreder
    Hey.

    write-stuff

    Do you mind telling what mistakes you've noticed?

    I'm referring to any type of script, not only php applets.
    Those can be ASP, PERL, CGI, .NET, Javascript or any other script.

    What do you think I should add/change to make it better?

    Request:
    Can any proofreader please PM me with a price quote for proofreading my sales letter?
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  • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
    Because you claim you made $110,000 working 5 minutes
    a day. That makes it a money-making scheme with greed,
    laziness, and insecurity being big triggers. I have no judgement
    about it - that's just the way it is positioned.

    If it's not a get-rich quick game give much more exact details
    about how much time you put in and what your advertising
    budget was. 5 minutes a day is not credible unless you were
    using Adwords or something - so if you say you spent $48,673
    on advertising, grossed $158.673.00 and put $110,000 in your
    pocket that's more credible - but because you've rounded
    off the number you're actually making a mistake. $108.567.56
    is a way more believable figure than $110,000.

    Specifics sell. Read some books. These are basic persuasive writing
    problems.

    There are spelling errors all over the place in the letter too.
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    • Profile picture of the author shreder
      I have sent you an PM, can you please reply?

      I have also modified the what I understood had to be modified.

      Thanks!

      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      Because you claim you made $110,000 working 5 minutes
      a day. That makes it a money-making scheme with greed,
      laziness, and insecurity being big triggers. I have no judgement
      about it - that's just the way it is positioned.

      If it's not a get-rich quick game give much more exact details
      about how much time you put in and what your advertising
      budget was. 5 minutes a day is not credible unless you were
      using Adwords or something - so if you say you spent $48,673
      on advertising, grossed $158.673.00 and put $110,000 in your
      pocket that's more credible - but because you've rounded
      off the number you're actually making a mistake. $108.567.56
      is a way more believable figure than $110,000.

      Specifics sell. Read some books. These are basic persuasive writing
      problems.

      There are spelling errors all over the place in the letter too.
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    • Profile picture of the author Kenneth L
      Originally Posted by Loren Woirhaye View Post

      Because you claim you made $110,000 working 5 minutes
      a day. That makes it a money-making scheme with greed,
      laziness, and insecurity being big triggers. I have no judgement
      about it - that's just the way it is positioned.

      If it's not a get-rich quick game give much more exact details
      about how much time you put in and what your advertising
      budget was. 5 minutes a day is not credible unless you were
      using Adwords or something - so if you say you spent $48,673
      on advertising, grossed $158.673.00 and put $110,000 in your
      pocket that's more credible - but because you've rounded
      off the number you're actually making a mistake. $108.567.56
      is a way more believable figure than $110,000.

      Specifics sell. Read some books. These are basic persuasive writing
      problems.

      There are spelling errors all over the place in the letter too.
      Before you get ahead of yourself I know that specifics sell better.

      Unfortunately, all I had to work with was what Shreder gave me and if he only had 'vague' figures and numbers then I wasn't going to invent them out of thin air

      He initially said it was 30 minutes/day and then afterwards told me it was 5 minutes because he thought too much work would put people off.

      Here is the original letter I wrote based on the information he gave me:

      Script Selling Secrets

      There have been numerous alterations made in 'his' version and also reformatting I did not recommend which will probably reduce conversions.

      I instructed him not to add a header because it usually reduces response and yet he insisted on doing so.

      Also, just because someone can potentially make a lot of money in a short time, as Shreder suggests he does, doesn't mean it can't be done or is some sort of scheme. In fact in the headline it is over 2.5 years - i.e roughly 900 days time!

      Initially this, had Shreder stuck to the 30 minutes per day and not changed to 5 minutes/day, would have amounted to 450 hours in total which have made the figure far more realistic AND...it is what Shreder claims to make in his book and in the information he provided to me.

      As such I feel I did everything I could with what I was given in this task but unfortunately, since I lack control over how the Letter will appear, am unable to dictate the final outcome of how it will go up on the Web.

      Also there was an attack on spelling. In my version, there were hardly any, if any, spelling errors, but even if there were a few they are not the ultimate determiner in conversion. Read Mike Filsaime's sales letters or even Frank Kern's letter for Mass Control and you'll see a few mistakes here and there but the response it still fantastic.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kenneth L
    Here is the original letter I wrote for Shreder, based on the book and information he gave me!

    Script Selling Secrets

    He then changed the formatting and when copying and pasting and editing has made a lot of spelling errors.

    Also to anyone who says the "If you...then this will be the most important letter you read!" isn't a good opening then you're going against the advice of Gary Halbert.
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    • Profile picture of the author shreder
      Originally Posted by Kenneth Rearden View Post

      Here is the original letter I wrote for Shreder, based on the book and information he gave me!

      Script Selling Secrets

      He then changed the formatting and when copying and pasting and editing has made a lot of spelling errors.

      Also to anyone who says the "If you...then this will be the most important letter you read!" isn't a good opening then you're going against the advice of Gary Halbert.
      Fellow Warriors:

      As I said, I did make few changes to the sales letter. I will remove them if you think it hurts the sales letter but please comment on the original sales letter as well

      Thanks a lot!
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  • Profile picture of the author shreder
    Kenneth - It seems as if you're taking the critiques personally which you shouldn't.

    I mentioned few times that I DID make changes to the original sales letter, and those might affect the outcome.

    Maybe I did a mistake in having you write the sales letter before I had everything prepared first, maybe I should have only contacted you now after I know what I have to offer my customers (Such as bonuses) and I know the price I'd be selling for.

    You shouldn't take the critiques personally, As I said, I did like the original sales letter and I thought it was good but then again, I'm not copyrighter and don't have experience with sales letters.

    I would appreciate if you can respond to the e-mail I sent you.

    Thanks!
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    • Profile picture of the author Kenneth L
      I did take it personally!

      You came in here and put forward work attached with my name except it was altered and changed and not the way I recommended it to be done whatsoever.

      It also seemed as though my work was littered with spelling mistakes which was not the case - it was your copying, pasting and editing that led to these mistakes being formed.

      I'm also annoyed that you came in here for a 'review' without even telling me at the same time while I've been helping you with your launch.

      Anyhow, I've replied to your email and told you how I wish to proceed.



      Originally Posted by shreder View Post

      Kenneth - It seems as if you're taking the critiques personally which you shouldn't.

      I mentioned few times that I DID make changes to the original sales letter, and those might affect the outcome.

      Maybe I did a mistake in having you write the sales letter before I had everything prepared first, maybe I should have only contacted you now after I know what I have to offer my customers (Such as bonuses) and I know the price I'd be selling for.

      You shouldn't take the critiques personally, As I said, I did like the original sales letter and I thought it was good but then again, I'm not copyrighter and don't have experience with sales letters.

      I would appreciate if you can respond to the e-mail I sent you.

      Thanks!
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  • Profile picture of the author shreder
    The changes I made HAD to be made since I needed to add the bonuses and clarify few things which were incorrect/misleading.

    If you want, I can take your name out from the original post, I just though that I would be better for you as I didn't expect such criticism on the sales letter as I personally thought it was excellent.

    I sent you few e-mails before I posted this thread, Check your e-mail, I clearly asked you to go over what I've written in ScriptSelling101 and let me know what you think.

    Thank you.

    EDIT:
    Everything has been resolved, Kenneth has provided me with a great sales letter and he's also reformatting my modified one right now.
    I'm really impressed with the sales letter I've received from Kenneth.

    Thank you very much all warrior members for the useful comments!
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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    I did not read the letter, but the layout needs some *MAJOR* renovation - It hurts my eyes.

    If it sounds a little brutal it's only meant to help.
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  • Profile picture of the author Rob Canyon
    Idan Shem Tov

    I remember my first sales letter... Stressful but Exciting...

    Anyways here's what I think might be a better headline...

    "How to earn $3,000 per month in internet income by
    paying a programmer less than $250 to create one program
    that you own and everybody else just has to have..."


    PM me if you'd like me to re-write your sales letter for FREE in the
    next 48 hours... You don't have to use it but another perspective
    may help with your launch...

    Shalom

    Rob

    P.S. My offer to re-write your sales letter for FREE is
    definitely a limited time offer... Don't tell your friends...
    Signature
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