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Critique me pleeeeeeez!

by BrenDavis
4 replies
Here is my first stab at it. Your feedback is kindly appreciated. PLEASE DON'T HOLD BACK!

A message to the technically challenged:


If you...


 ...are frustrated with the technical side of all this online marketing stuff and keep getting stuck on things like uploading, installing, hosting, ftp, servers, scripts, and html.


 ...want to work smarter not harder, and use your marketing knowledge on actual MARKETING, instead of spending hours trying to teach yourself complicated shizzz that's just frustrating.


...value your time and would rather spend it on more important things like idea creation, strategy, and producing products.


 ...would rather OUTSOURCE your programming needs to a hermit/nerd/programming genius who hates sunlight, socializing, and sex and will work for you 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, 365 days a year...


 THEN HIRE ME TO HANDLE YOUR ONLINE PROGRAMMING NEEDS!


 I will graciously accept and quickly address any annoying programming issue, task or project - with a smile


Just some of the things I can do for you...
  • WEBSITE FIXES AND WEBSITE TROUBLESHOOTING:


    • I will resolve your problems with opt-in forms, HTML tags, CSS erros, PHP, redirects, affiliate link tracking, online video, etc.
  • INSTALL WEBSITE SCRIPTS:


    • I will set up email autoresponder so you can start collecting leads, build an email list, and automatically follow up with your subscribers.


    • I will set up shopping cart software so you can sell/upsell/downsell, accept payments, and automatically deliver digital (or any other kind of) products.


    • I will set up a membership site script that will automatically manage billing and membership registration/renewal/cancellation.
  • SQUEEZE PAGES:


    • I will set up landing pages, confirmation pages, thank you pages, and link them to your list building software, and automatically deliver free reports, audios, or videos.


  • WORDPRESS BLOGS


    • I will do theme installations, customizations, plugins, and integrate google adsense and affiliate links.


  • AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU GOT!


 I have worked on literally hundreds of web sites in many different niches over the last 6 years...
...and offer expertise in php programming and:


  • Front-end: XHTML, JavaScript, CSS, DHTML, AJAX, jQuery, Mootools


  • XML/XSLT


  • Joomla, VirtueMart, PHPBB,
    OSCommerce, Google Open Social, Facebook API, YoutubeAPI


  • Mobile services programming: WML, WMLS, XHTML-MP, SMS, Wap-push, CIMD2 Kannel open-source messaging system


 If you don't now what any of that stuff means, don't worry about it - I'll do that part for you ;-)


 Contact me and I will gladly get started on your site today!


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 FREE! I AM HAPPY TO OFFER THE FIRST 5 PEOPLE WHO RESPOND TO THIS OFFER 1 HOUR OF MY SERVICES FOR ABSOLUTELY FREE. ...ALL YOU PAY IS SHIPPING AND HANDLING. ...HAHA J/K. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, ITS FREE. NO NONSENSE, NO STRINGS ATTACHED. FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.

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REPLY TO THIS THREAD WITH YOUR EMAIL, AND I WILL CONTACT YOU IMMEDIATELY:

YOU CAN REACH ME AT: bdavisbiz (at) gmail.com

 I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU!
#critique #pleeeeeeez
  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    It's not bad. Though you really should have a headline that identifies the fear and frustration people feel when faced with having to do the technical stuff.

    Then you need two or three short paragraphs where you develop that idea with true-to-life examples. Write it up so they actually begin to sweat and twitch just reading your discription. Then hit them with bullet points to solidify your case. And I'd lose the ellipsis' (...) as lead-ins.

    I'm not sure why but lately I've noticed a lot of people sticking them everywhere. They're cool when used properly but often slow the reader down if misplaced. Good luck!

    BTW, do you really hate sex? :rolleyes:
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    I think its decent, particularly for what you're selling...I would take the 'joke part' out of the free paragraph, as it doesn't work. I guess your headline is the "a message to the technically challenged" right?...I'd identify a BIG benefit and build a better head around that.
    _____
    Bruce
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  • Profile picture of the author straygoat
    I agree with Travlinguy - lose the ellipses. I'll also second Brucerby's comment on the joke - it doesn't work.

    One problem I had is that I found the 'want to work harder and smarter' point a bit too long, especially after the first point which was also long. I'd get rid of the last part from 'instead' to make it a bit easier to read. I'd break the squeeze pages part into two sentences for the same reason.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi BrenDavis,

    1. You don't talk about the prices you charge. Or do any kind of a comparison.

    2. You don't talk about how satisfied people are with your work. No quotes or comments. How do I know I am going to be satified with your work?

    3. You don't talk about your experience.

    4. Your offer is like any other programmers'. What makes YOU special, unique or different? Dig deep.

    5. 1 hour of free "work" is not impressive at all. PROVE YOURSELF beyond question. What's the irresistible offer?

    Bottom line: How do I know you're really competent? Because right now, you look like everybody else on rentacoder.com.

    Stated differently, show some personality (but don't joke around.)

    - Rick Duris
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