This is not meant for advert (already in WFH) STRICTLY Critique please...

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13
I have already submitted this to the Warrior For Hire Section (Pending Approval), so it needs not advertise here twice again (please don't delete)...

Since I am a newbie here, just wanna get some feed back to tweek my 1st ever sales letter here on WF would be cool & interesting to see yall expert critiques and refining feedback, THANKS! If any errors you can check it in my sig, again.....



Vyctor~












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  • Hey Vyctor,

    "Let’s admit it, we Hate “Bonkers” Sales Ads just as much as YOU do!…"

    Without a shadow of a doubt, YOUR advert is one of the most bonkers I've ever read.

    I think you're trying to run before you can walk...

    You're being way to clever with your hook and as a result, not only is your ad hard to read but it's hard to figure out what you're actually offering.

    I'm afraid it doesn't need tweaking. It needs scrapping.

    Start again and this time keep it simple.
    • [1] reply
    • Nonsense doesn't sell.

      Cleverness doesn't sell.

      Clear. Simple. Concise. Compelling.

      That'll make you some sales.

      --- Ross
  • Train wreck in progress, dude.

    Don't make people WORK at trying to understand you...

    ...they WON'T.

    Lose the royal angle and get specific.

    Start over, and this time Keep It Stupidly Simple.

    Who are you and why should Warriors care?

    What exactly are you offering?

    What exactly will it do for Warriors?

    Why is this different than what's already available?

    What's possible that wasn't previously?

    Why should anyone believe you?

    How exactly do they get it?

    How do you reverse the risk of buying?

    Why do Warriors need to act now?

    What advantage do they get that others will not?

    What happens if they wait?

    How do they get it again?

    Brian
    • [1] reply
    • Thanks Gents!~

      Your refreshing Truths, just hit me like a much needed bag of ice in my face...

      Sometimes I do require that wake up call, and re-align myself with W.I.I.F.T. What's in it for them or traffic?

      My pitiful downfall is over-creating everything from my nature, and it's hard to balance it out, esp. always aiming to be flamboyant or rambunctious in order to gain attention - but at the same time I may lose the listener to non-clarity.

      So as Brian have pointed out and right on point.. keeping Stupid & Silly Simpleness, would veer me in a better off directoin - I do need much brushing up on my sales tactics, and you're all right, this must be tossed and rewritten, please look out for it real soon in the near future...



      Thank you guys so very much for the Edifying...


      Truly,


      Vyctor~
      • [1] reply
  • Aside from the points already made you have some serious grammar issues. I'm thinking English isn't your first language - but even if it is you need to do a lot of work to simplify and clarify this.

    Remember... I want to hire you as a writer. If you can't make your sales message easy-to-read and compelling... why would I assume you can write a half-decent article?

    -Dan
    • [1] reply
    • Actually you could turn that lemon into lemonade.

      Here's how.

      Print it out then screw up the paper, then get an Asprin,
      tape the Asprin to your letter of introduction and send out
      the lumpy letter as a direct mail piece.

      As an introduction tell how people actually send that "headache
      material" out and should the reader want to look at it, then she
      will be well advised to take the Asprin.

      Which nicely leads into you offering clear, concise writing.

      You may well be able to sip on Champagn instead of sucking a lemon!

      All the best,
      Ewen
      • [1] reply
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    This is not meant for advert (already in WFH) STRICTLY Critique please...

    I have already submitted this to the Warrior For Hire Section (Pending Approval), so it needs not advertise here twice again (please don't delete)... Since I am a newbie here, just wanna get some feed back to tweek my 1st ever sales letter here on WF would be cool & interesting to see yall expert critiques and refining feedback, THANKS! If any errors you can check it in my sig, again.....