Critique of copy (I did look through the checklist)

13 years ago

Using reversed type will result in catastrophic reduction in
readership and comprehension. I know it looks cool from
a design point of view, but if you want people to read your
stuff, use black-family text on a light background.

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Andrew Gould

13 years ago

Hi Larry,

I'm so far out of your target market I'm not going to critique your actual copy. But I will give you a few more general pieces of advice:

The white text on a black background is hideous.

Don't host your video on Youtube (and have you got the rights to use that music?)

Your above the fold "buy it now" button will put people off straightaway. In fact, I think you could make better use of the whole real estate above the fold.

It's not much but I hope it helps.

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Andrew Gould

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Daniel Scott

13 years ago

Larry,

Fascinating product... but I don't see it selling.

I'm wondering who exactly you're trying to target with this product... and by extension, the sales letter.

Is it a PUA thing? Is it a self-help thing? Is it a gambling thing? Is it a bodybuilding thing?

You've got elements of all of that. You may think that by diversifying and throwing everything against the wall you've got a better chance of success, but in my experience what usually happens is the complete opposite.

By splintering your focus like that you're not really grabbing on to any market in particular... and I'm betting your sales will suffer as a result.

Could be wrong though.

-Daniel

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Loren Woirhaye

13 years ago

Yeah, I though the angle was interesting too.

It struck me as really a seduction/self-confidence thing. Taking
the 007 archetype as a lens for framing it is a really interesting
idea. I'm not sure it's a sellable one, but it's creative.

Whatever you do, don't put aside the creativity that helped you
make this connection, because even if this idea doesn't work out
there will be more to come and eventually you'll strike gold if you
keep at it.

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Bruce NewMedia

13 years ago

It is interesting...
The graphics LOOK GREAT/COOL, but will absolutely help to kill sales, specifically the reverse type.

As to the topic, did you do any current research to establish whether the "James Bond Lifestyle" connects with younger audiences? ....I always loved James Bond movies, but never connected that as a 'lifestyle' that the average person could actually live.
_____
Bruce

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RickDuris

13 years ago

1. I think while well written, it lacks credibility. It's not compelling enough.

A picture of you, maybe a before and an after.

A more compelling/real personal story. The "Then I took an adventure packed vacation where I bungee jumped, sky dived, and shot a gun for the first time. I even visited some of the exact locations where they shot movie scenes in Panama and in Brazil. I didn't look like James Bond but I felt like him." -- Sorry, unfortunately, it just isn't compelling enough. BFD.

Remember, you have A LOT to live up to. Intrigue. Mystery. Adventure. Risk. All the while understated, like "no big deal." Bond never calling attention to himself. Yet larger than life.

That's the brand of Bond.

You've made a promise and I think you've got to fulfill on it.

In other words, the copy isn't "Bond-level" copy. And I think it has to be to succeed.

3. I'd also figure out a way to turn this info product into "a must." A "gotta have." Like your bonus of a relaxation audio recording? Absolutely wimpy. Bond listening to soothing hypnotic music installing a sense of confidence? The thought makes my brain hurt.

4. While I appreciate Loren's concerns about the white on black background, I would test as is. (Playboy, for instance has done similar in the past, as well as the muscle magazine advertisements.)

However, I would challenge your graphics designer to try alternative design. Give it more of a "black tie" feel with black on white.

That all said, it's a good effort and for the most part, pretty congruent. I just think the concept could be ratcheted up by double or triple in terms of the copy.

- Rick Duris

PS: This concept has legs way beyond a book. You could create adventure travel packages around the Bond lifestyle. Think about integrating seminars and such. I wish you success.

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grandmasterflash

13 years ago

On a very basic level: "007," "James Bond," and the images/designs you use are someone else's registered trademarks, and I assume you are not paying licensing fees to that someone else. Expect a nasty letter at some point. Even without the nasty letter, you're stealing someone's work, which isn't nice.

I do think this product still has legs if you just say "secret agent" or something like that instead of using the trademark.

I would rate your copy a 4 or 5 out of 10. You need to work more on presenting real, tangible benefits to the reader, instead of vague stuff like "live like a modern day James Bond" (what does that mean?!).

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exite2010

13 years ago

Thanks a lot for all the critique. Lots of usefull stuff in there so I'll really have to start splittesting with your ideas! Just a few comments off the top of my head before I look deeper into it:

1. It does sell. Averaging 1 sale a day and with a refund on around 3% (so I do deliver what I promise). I just want to sell more and I think the copy is the fastest way to increase sales as I'm not too happy with it.

2. I checked with a US based lawyer since all sales are going through US-based clickbank. I have in writing from him that the product isn't incriminating any rights. However the music on the video might be. I'll have to check up on that.

3. I know the mix of PUA, gambling, selfhelp etc. is a weird one but the uniting theme is James Bond and thats why it sells. All the buyers are people searching for james bond, daniel craig physique, bond fashion and the like. Also people are redirected from affiliates with big international Bond fanpages. When viewed like this I think the mix of themes is more than compensated for. Actually thats what sells I think since theres already a huge number of selfhelp books, a huge number of pua ebooks and so on.

4. Most of the design comments were spot on I think, but while changing the design to sell more I want to really stay in a design that connects with buyers. I want happy buyers that are interested in staying on my email list recieving new affiliate offers and helping to build a community. I want to deliver a sale and a product that really puts you in the world of a secret agent.

Well thanks again for the many comments. I'll definately be doing splittesting with this site vs. some of the changes you suggested and see what should stay and what should go.

-Larry

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grandmasterflash

13 years ago

Originally Posted by exite2010

I checked with a US based lawyer since all sales are going through US-based clickbank. I have in writing from him that the product isn't incriminating any rights.

Larry, if it were only so easy. Any lawyer can put "in writing" whatever you'd like to hear, especially if the thing that you'd like to hear is likely to produce future billing for them. (Reminds me of the old cartoon with the cat telling the color-blind dog at a traffic intersection, "Go ahead! It's green!") The only opinion that matters is that of the trademark owners, and I can tell you with 99.9% certainty that any trademark owners would be very-not-amused. And the James Bond people in particular are known to be aggressive about their trademark. I advise you to resolve this issue before you've built a business using someone else's trademark. And get a different lawyer. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I have no financial interest in this, just providing you with a heads-up that may prove very valuable.

By the way, the word is infringing, not incriminating.

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exite2010

13 years ago

Originally Posted by grandmasterflash

Larry, if it were only so easy. Any lawyer can put "in writing" whatever you'd like to hear, especially if the thing that you'd like to hear is likely to produce future billing for them. (Reminds me of the old cartoon with the cat telling the color-blind dog at a traffic intersection, "Go ahead! It's green!") The only opinion that matters is that of the trademark owners, and I can tell you with 99.9% certainty that any trademark owners would be very-not-amused. And the James Bond people in particular are known to be aggressive about their trademark. I advise you to resolve this issue before you've built a business using someone else's trademark. And get a different lawyer. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I have no financial interest in this, just providing you with a heads-up that may prove very valuable.

By the way, the word is infringing, not incriminating.

Ok thanks a lot grandmasterflash. I'll definately talk to another lawyer and see which action is neccesary. Old one said I was fine with the disclaimer though and I believed him. I'm in no way interested in a lawsuit on this...
Hehe infringing. Thanks. I'm not a native english speaker and when just writing on forums I rarely have someone proofread my english

-Larry

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grandmasterflash

13 years ago

Thanks for hearing me out, Larry. You can hold off on refining the copy until you've figured out the legal issues.

As for the copy: I think that especially if you're not a native English speaker, you should consider having a professional rewrite your copy. It's not egregiously bad, but it doesn't carry its full potential. I'm impressed that you're getting a daily sale at $37; good work. Or if you're set on rewriting it yourself, really focus on direct, tangible, specific benefits, or what sets you apart from someone who's selling a pair of sunglasses or a toy Aston Martin saying "this will let you live the James Bond lifestyle."

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exite2010 13 years ago

Hehe yeah. I'm not gonna put a whole lot of work into the project only to have it deemed illegal :S

You say have a professional make it? I imagine that would be terribly expensive. You say my copy is maybe around 4 or 5 out of 10. Do you have any idea of the price of getting it to 8 of 10?
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Daniel Scott

13 years ago

Larry,

If you wrote that yourself and you're not a native English speaker I'm very impressed.

Seriously.

Out of curiosity... what's your conversion rate?

I expect an "8 out of 10" would set you back somewhere between $3 000 and $6 000.

If you can't afford that, maybe a professional critique would be useful for you. I recently had a guy order a critique from me. He followed my suggestions and his conversion rate improved out of sight.

Now granted... he worked his ass off to put into practice what I told him to do. But you get a lot more in-depth knowledge in an hour plus video critique than you do free info in forums.

There's a heap of established copywriters on here who do paid critiques. My advice is find someone who has a track record of results and success. If they don't advertise that they do critiques, email or PM them and ask. Most do.

Food for thought.

-Dan

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exite2010

13 years ago

Thanks for the answer Daniel

I have a conversion of around 2% and a return rate of less than 5% as of now.
Obviously I want to get the conversion up before I spend a lot of time getting more visitors.

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Daniel Scott

13 years ago

2% from cold traffic is generally pretty good. If you can get that kind of conversion with more traffic than I think it's time to start looking up sells and extending your sales funnel.

-Dan

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Dan Axelrod 13 years ago

Hey Larry,

Thanks for posting your copy here. It gives us copywriters a good chance to demonstrate our skills for potential clients.

The "white text on black background" works primarily for promotions like nightclubs and energy drinks. Do you know why that is?

The copy for those promotions are REALLY short.

I'll agree that the James Bond lifestyle fits the black background image, but your copy is way too long (as it should be), for you to use white-on-black.

Definitely switch to black text on white background. You can still have black in the surrounding image and sidebars.

The biggest issue to correct with your sales page is that it doesn't pass the "skim test."

This means that if a random joe schmoe started skimming your website, he would be hard pressed to explain to someone else what you're actually selling.

The idea of "live like James Bond" means different things to different people. To some it means being a spy with explosive action and life-threatening chases like Jason Bourne. To others it means simply being smooth and debonair.

I understand from an extensive look at your copy that you plan on teaching men how to have fantastic style, impressive success with women, and enviable experiences of travel. However, most people will not read that far to discover what it is you're selling.

I think at the very least, you need to have your headline and product title explain exactly what the prospect is getting. Talk about succeeding with women, touring the world, and dressing like the ultimate GQ fellow. This has to all be at the BEGINNING of your copy, so people will read on.

If you take nothing else from this, remember that people need to know what they're getting in plain terms. James Bond is an interesting angle to sell from, but it can't be THE whole selling point of your product.

Let me know if you need any clarification.

--Dan
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- exite2010 13 years ago
  
  Hey guys
  
  Update on my copy. I had a copywriter from in here throw together a draft for a new salesletter. Could you look it over and see if there's anything obvious to change.
  
  See the copy at: eCa.sh/newcopy
  
  Note that this is not in anyway an attempt to critique his skills. I would just love a second opinion.
  
  Let me know what you think. I'm grateful for any comments.
  
  Thanks
  -Larry
  
  Thanks
  
  2 replies
  
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  Intrepreneur 13 years ago
  
  Hmmm it's still not specific enough. I think the headline needs more work to be more heartfelt by the audience.
  
  Maybe hit them with
  
  James Bond Is EXTREMELY Rich and Successful AND Now It's Your Turn to be The Same. How? Keep Reading As I Hand You The Secret Recipe to a James Bond Lifestyle!
  
  Of course that headline is probably crap too but it's more specific than current one.
  
  Thanks
  
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  Andrew Gould 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by exite2010
  
  Note that this is not in anyway an attempt to critique his skills. I would just love a second opinion.
  
  Well, here's my opinion then:
  
  It's boring, generic copy - totally unsuitable for your product.
  
  Thanks
  
  Signature
  
  Andrew Gould
  
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exite2010

13 years ago

Thanks for your honest comment. I really appreciate you guys being bluntly honest.

But it sucks

I hope its not as bad as you say but I'll find out soon enough...

When choosing a copywriter I didn't have any experience to lean on so just chose the guy with the best reviews from in here... And paid up front. I just hope it performs slightly better than my original site or it'll have been $$$ out the window

I suppose I could call it educational expenses and hope that it taught me a lesson - DIY

I'll probably do some splittesting on the 2 copies and then use your suggestions to update the best copy myself. Then I can hire a new copywriter when I have some money back in and hopefully get a better result

-Larry

More suggestions and critique of either copy are more than welcome!

Thanks

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Critique of copy (I did look through the checklist)

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