Sales Copy Critique Please

9 replies
The conversions are not what I expected from the first 1 or 2 pushes I have tried with traffic - even after adding the testimonials.

Would love to get some honest feedback on the copy or any aspect of the site.

Thank you for your time and feedback.

#copy #critique #sales
  • Profile picture of the author mariomvr
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    • Profile picture of the author Aj Wilson
      Originally Posted by mariomvr View Post


      So someone asks for help and no one answers but they talk all they long about their achievments... Interesting...
      Chad posted this @ 12:10pm
      You replied @ 1:59pm

      and Benjamin posted @ 2:21pm

      As I write this there are only 27 viewing the copywriting forum,
      it's just the nature of this forum mate...

      just a bunch of friends helping each other out when they can...
      Im sure no one's getting paid to help people here... anyone? :p

      to the OP...

      You might like to split test your headline first,
      the other thing is your source of traffic?


      I'd try a headline like this...

      "Get Instant Access to 124,915 Articles So You Can
      [BIG Benefit/Ultimate End Result], Without [Big Challenge 1],
      [Big Challenge 2] or [Big Challenge 3] Guaranteed"

      A headline like this works great coz you're telling them what they're getting,
      to get what they really want (their ultimate end result),
      without all their problems/fears/ or challenges...

      All communicated, quickly, simply and effectively,
      directly from the headline.

      If they're interested, they'll read more, if not... maybe they're not targetted enough,
      hence, your source of traffic.

      all the best with your project chad

      - aj
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  • Profile picture of the author Benjamin Johnson
    Few things:

    1. The hook -- are these four challenges (scattered and embedded files; different file types; different internal file layouts; searchability) really your market's biggest pain points? Is solving these the biggest, sexiest benefit you can put in front of the reader?

    The combination of ease of use and an extremely large database of PLR material could be turned into a hook, but if you're leading into it by talking about "challenges" your average prospect might not have encountered, or feel as strongly about as you do, your appeal isn't going to pass the "so what?" test. Unless you know from thorough market research that visitors to your site are already thinking (actively) about these four things, using them as your main hook is risky.

    This isn't to say you shouldn't emphasize how easily searchable and user-friendly your service is compared to most PLR sites, but consider making it a secondary appeal, and it might be more effective to demonstrate this visually using a short embedded video. Show the mess of disorganized files you used to deal with before; then show how easy it is to find and use articles on your site.

    Bigger upfront concerns in many prospects' minds, however, might be the source of the PLR (is it unique content custom to your site, or the same old PLR packs they've encountered on other sites? what kinds of niches are covered?); the quality of the articles (are the writers native English speakers?are they checked against Copyscape?); and the frequency and volume of updates.

    2. The intro -- you're "burying the lead" here by backing into the letter with your personal story of "how this got started" before giving the reader a reason to stick around. Lead with a big promise of a direct benefit, and then, if it makes sense to do so, talk about the problem in the context of your own experiences. Even then, keep it tight and focused on the prospect. Right now, your intro isn't answering the reader's #1 question: "What's in it for me?"

    3. Testimonials -- You have this posted on the sales page: " If you give us a testimonial that we use - we will happily refund half of your monthly fee for the first two months. That is essentially getting the system for 50% OFF!"

    This could prompt some visitors to question the objectivity of the testimonials you already have on the site -- were they volunteered, or given in exchange for a rebate?

    FREE VIDEO exposes the copy tactics used in Mobile Monopoly (biggest CB launch this year)

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  • Profile picture of the author Andrew Gould
    Hey Chad,

    Your headline's a mouthful and a half and it takes you over a dozen paragraphs to get round to expanding on it.

    Are your 4 challenges the result of surveying PLR users, or simply what you think?

    "as powerful as the most advanced features of Google" - If true this needs proving and expanding on.

    Your testimonials aren't super-strong and I'd get rid of the bar above them stating they're testimonials.

    "After your 72 hours on unlimited access with the system, if you decide to keep your membership you will lock in the super low price of $9.97!" - Is that per month, per week, even per year? Not fully explaining your offer will have definitely suppressed response for you. I can see later on you imply it's monthly, but you don't come out and state it until the order button.

    Exactly what am I getting, what are those 125,000 articles made up of - are they all a specific niche?

    How often do you update and how many articles do you add each update?

    Hope some of this is of use.

    Andrew Gould

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  • Profile picture of the author AnneE
    I liked the letter and thought the product was appealing. I had the same thought, that the first time you mention 9.97, you don't say per month.

    I also felt that your strongest feature which is searchability does not come out until later in the sales letter.

    Finally I would add something about the quality of the writing -- were they written by native-English writers? AND... with that perhaps show one example of content -- while it could be a bit above average, it has to be representative of your PLR. To me the quality of PLR is what has turned many people off.

    Good luck. Oh and you might want to talk a bit about the markets that you cover -- do they include Forex, weight loss, dating services?? product reviews??

    Keep on tweaking it -- sometimes a small change results in a big change in conversion.

    That's my two cents.
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  • Profile picture of the author ccasselman
    Thanks to everyone for responding. The feedback has been good - even though right now I am struggling with how to address/fix some of this.

    Sales letters are not my strong suit - building great software is.

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    • Profile picture of the author rbeckwith
      Originally Posted by ccasselman View Post

      Thanks to everyone for responding. The feedback has been good - even though right now I am struggling with how to address/fix some of this.

      Sales letters are not my strong suit - building great software is.

      Hi Chad,

      We are in the same boat...cough up the $ and get a copywriter. We are all good at certain things....just need to focus on those and let the specialists deal with what they are good at.

      Rod Beckwith - JV, Super Affiliate & Product Expert
      Want to JV With Me? PM or goto
      Get HOT FREE Products Here:
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  • Profile picture of the author saintemp
    Chad, try any of these headlines:

    "Here's how to create cash-pumping content in virtually any niche without writing a single word or spending a cent on a ghostwriter"

    "I'll give you instant access to my professionally written and constantly updated monster collection of 124,915 PLR articles for only $1"

    "My gigantic collection of 124,915 unique PLR articles generated $_____ in sales and built me a massive list of ______ raving followers...even though I can't write to save my life"

    All the best,

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  • Profile picture of the author jukeboxhero
    A startling look at what a visitor thinks when you dance around the point and don't hit 'em where it hurts or pound em with a promise...

    I started doing websites in my dorm room and have had some massive success and spectacular failures in the past 12 years. I won’t give up and with every online income attempt – I learn something valuable to apply to the next project.

    Why do I care what you did in your dorm? What is "Massive Success"? Why do I care if you won't give up online? Why do I care about your next project and what you've learned?

    I love my online ventures but I still struggle daily with my personal weaknesses.

    Really, you love it, who cares... what about me.

    Content creation is by far one of my great weaknesses that haunts me almost on a daily basis – as about 80% of you have been in my shoes.

    Cool, so your haunted by content creation... that's great, but what about me?

    Its so very frustrating knowing in your head what you need to create, you know what should be in it, but getting those dang little letters to line up in the perfect order seems impossible.

    Wow awesome... I don't think I'll read any further because this guy is clueless about what I need.

    Can you see the problem... No promise... It's all about you... No mention of alleviating my problem...

    Good effort though... You've got to start somewhere...
    If Copywriting Legends Like John Carlton, Gary Halbert and Even Franky Kern Recommend

    >>>> This <<<<

    Shouldn't You Pay Attention
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  • Profile picture of the author ccasselman
    jukeboxhero thanks for the review.

    I see what you are saying - but I was trying to add in the aspect of a story. Everyone says you need a story - I wanted to show you that I struggle with the same challenges you do. if you don't have content creation problem then you don't need my service.

    I guess the whole first section was trying to use a story, build credibility and relate to the user.

    Obviously that failed.

    Thanks again.
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