Critique my use of Gary Bencivenga's "Credo" Technique

by JoshuaG

Posted: 14 years ago 9 replies

COPY WRITING

I'm sure this copy writing technique doesn't "belong" to Gary, but I learned it from his newsletter...

For anyone who doesn't know what the technique is, its basically just stating your businesses belief, credo, or "religion" and using it to recruit people who are like minded. The hope is they will stand behind your business and use it because of a shared value.

I'm in the process of running a campaign to get people taking part in a "beta test" of my premium service. This is the welcome letter I send them after they sign up.

I'm open to other suggestions besides those relating to the credo technique, however I don't want to make this welcome letter any longer.

Here is the letter:

Welcome, {!name}
My name is Josh, I'm the owner and operator of Gamezlist.
I'm delighted to have you join us for Beta!

You're probably dying to find out exactly what you'll be testing.
And don't worry, we'll get to that soon!

But before we do, I wanted to stress to you how
important your role is as a beta tester is with us.

See, we've build Gamezlist with one idea in mind: "To Make Things Better".

As you use Gamezlist you'll be amazed at it's elegant simplicity, yet powerful functionality.
This is because we set out to design a site that would be the best of its kind.
A site that would solve problems, and be easily accessible.
A site that would hopefully even improve the lives of its users!

Improvement is so important to Gamezlist's beliefs that we have even implemented functionality to help local charities and causes!

Simply by taking part in Beta, you are taking part in making things better...for everyone.

I'll be sending out an email in the next few days explaining EVERYTHING about Beta from what the premium service is, to what you can expect from Gamezlist.

Sorry to keep you waiting in the dark, but remember, good things come to those who wait!

Joshua G.
Gamezlist

#bencivenga #credo #critique #gary #technique

Raydal

14 years ago

I think this is a risky approach for this purpose.
You talk little about the benefits the reader
would get from being a beta tester compared
to your own company and the product itself.

At least you are aware of the technique that
you are using, but more about WIIFM should
be included.

-Ray Edwards

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JoshuaG

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Raydal

Thank you Ray. I'll try to add more about the benefits of the service and a bit less about the company.

Thanks

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JoshuaG

14 years ago

Okay, so I've updated the letter.
Mind taking another look?

Welcome, {!name}

My name is Josh, I'm the owner and operator of Gamezlist.
I'm delighted to have you join us for Beta!

Without people like you Gamezlist would be unable to fulfill it's mission to make things better.

This is Gamezlists sole reason for existing.

Not only do we want to improve our service, but also your quality of life, and really the general quality of everyone's life!

Our premium service holds true to this mission in some really exciting ways:

1 - More Money in Your Pocket
Our Premium service is going to give you access to heaps of games and accessories that won't cost you a dime. Hows that for improving things!

2 - Increase in Valuable Social Connections
Generally, people who play video games are awesome. At the end of the day, knowing awesome people who share your interests is a pretty great thing.

3 - More Excitement, Adventure, and Good Times!
So now you've got more cash in your pocket, access to loads of games, and are surrounded by like minded people. What else is left but to have a good time!

Improvement is so important to Gamezlist's beliefs that we have even implemented functionality to help local charities and causes!

So simply by taking part in Beta, you are taking part in making things better for everyone!

I'll be sending out an email in the next few days explaining EVERYTHING about Beta from what the premium service is, to what you can expect from Gamezlist.

Sorry to keep you waiting in the dark, but remember, good things come to those who wait!

Joshua G.
Gamezlist

Thanks

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Vincenzo Oliva 14 years ago

Gary would be proud, good job, I like it.
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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

Phrases like "to make things better" come off as BS.

Look... I'm a hardcore gamer. And although business eats up the free time I used to spend playing video games... I still have 12 consoles in my house and a gaming PC.

So I'm part of your market.

Give me your USP in plain English... drop the corporate BS.

"We want to create a site where people get paid to play video games... and here's why..."

Connect with me. Show me you're a regular guy, not a "suit".

-Dan

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JoshuaG

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Its funny you should mention this, I was just thinking today how the letter really came off is a lame way.

I revamped the whole thing and dropped the credo what not.

Here it is now.

What do you think?

Welcome, {!name}
My name is Josh, I'm the owner and operator of Gamezlist.
Thank you for signing up to our Beta Test!

I think you're really going to enjoy it.

Our premium service has some really great stuff in store for you!

1 - More Money in Your Pocket
We are going to give you access to heaps of games and accessories that won't cost you a dime.
This means you won't have to buy games as frequently, you won't have to rent them, and as a result you won't be paying late fees either!

2 - A Chance to Be a Part of Something
Joining a community of like minded people and sharing the experience with them is a pretty awesome thing. When was the last time you really felt like you were part of something?

3 - More Excitement, Adventure, and Good Times!
So now you've got more cash in your pocket, access to loads of games, and are surrounded by like minded people. What else is left but to have a good time!

Now, I know you're chomping at the bit to learn exactly what you'll be testing
but that has to wait while we finalize a few things with the current version.

I'll be sending out another email in the next few days explaining EVERYTHING about Beta from exactly what the premium service is, to what you can expect from Gamezlist.

Sorry to keep you in the dark, but I know how you hate natural light! =p

Joshua G.
Gamezlist

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Daniel Scott

14 years ago

Josh,

The tone's better... but you still haven't nailed it.

Here's what you need to do...

Take a day or two... don't look at this crap... don't even think about it.

Play some games... hang with your buds... whatever.

Just live.

Then come back to it with a fresh perspective.

The errors will jump out at you like some kind of bad horror flick.

Basically... I think you're trying too hard... and it shows.

Relax... be yourself... project your persona... and let the words come.

-Dan

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JoshuaG

14 years ago

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

Yea, I hear you.

The problem is that I've handed out flyers with beta access codes to a few local busineses. I expect people will be signing up very soon.

Thanks for your advise though, its good to get some feedback from someone in my market.

Thanks

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Raydal 14 years ago

All the "we" and "our" statements should be changed to "you" "your"
statements. You're still thinking about how great you are instead
of the customer.

So instead of:

"Our premium service has some really great stuff in store for you!"

Try: "You'll be amazed at the [specific benefit] you'll get ..."

And instead of:

"We are going to give you access to heaps of games and accessories that won't cost you a dime."

Try: "You'll get FREE access to a ton of games and accessories .."

As you can see, the statements contain the same information
but they are centered on the prospect instead of you.

-Ray Edwards
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Critique my use of Gary Bencivenga's "Credo" Technique

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