6 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
6 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

New site - Copywriting Advice is Appreciated!

by mctwisty
5 replies
Hi Forum,

Some time has been put into this, though I am not happy with the copy. Can you guys take a look and tell me what you think?

Thanks so much!

skinlighten dot com
#advice #appreciated #copy #copywriting #copywriting advice #site #thoughts #web copy
  • Profile picture of the author alpacabob
    It looks good- but you might make your list of benefits more direct. What I mean is that instead of saying, "whitening/sun spots/acne scars/etc." make it "whitens skin/removes sun spots/clears acne scars/etc." I wasn't sure in the first few seconds of looking at it why I'd want the product- but if I had acne scars and saw in big letters at the top that it could cure them, I'd probably keep reading till I get to the section "what is it used for." Tell them that right at the top so that your prospects want to learn more.

    On a small note, your first testimonial from "Joanne" makes reference to her improved "ski tone." Even if that's what she wrote, I think you could justifiably change it knowing that she meant to say "skin tone."
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2702724].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Stephen Bray
    I like this page lots

    If I have a quibble it's that
    some of the sentences in
    the fine print could easily be
    split and thus shortened.

    Whilst most only scan pages
    a few read every word and
    making it as easy as possible
    to do so without producing
    longer and longer sentences
    full of technical data that they
    might not understand can be
    off-putting ~ phew

    Simple sentences sell. Everyone
    can read them easily. Even
    technical words become
    understandable. This reassures
    your potential customer, helping
    you to make more sales.

    Stephen
    Signature
    Send me a DM, or visit my support desk to contact me: http://support.stephenbray.com
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2703111].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author mctwisty
    Great feedback. Going to take what I learned and tweak it. Thanks!
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2706245].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      You've done a wonderful job.

      I have a few ideas to help. Please take NONE of what I say as criticism, only as ways to improve.

      1. The headline is being lost. The promotion above the fold is "too busy". Yours is one of those promotions/pages where multi-variate testing would be useful.

      For instance, I don't know that I would put a picture of the product above the fold. It seems like a waste of real estate.

      3. The headline copy on it's own is strong. But at the same time, it's weak. 30 days is a long time in the cosmetics world. Women want immediate gratification/benefit. You might be able to allay by saying "Lighter Skin in Just 30 Days". It's something to test.

      4. Where's the video? I hate to harp, but a video will dramatically improve conversions with this product.

      There are other things that are really great about this promotion, do not be put off by my remarks.

      - Rick Duris
      Signature
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2706383].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
        I'm wondering if I'm seeing the same page as the rest of the commenters.. I hope I am.

        That said, the thing that first jumps out is that visually, the eye has no clear line to follow. I'm jumping from one column to the next, not sure where I'm supposed to end up.

        It looks like an e-commerce product description, yet it's long for that. Not quite a sales letter either. Or a brochure. It would be easier for the average visitor if they can identify it with something else they've been exposed to before.

        It's got great credibility and authority with the doctor and the testimonials, yet if you had the overt benefit jump out, summarized the benefits so you can easily find them, and clearly told them what to do, I bet it'd convert a couple of orders of magnitude better.

        I Hope this helps.
        Signature

        Need a quick, effective copy critique to boost your conversion? 24-hr turnaround:
        http://juhotunkelo.com/copy-critique/

        Want world class copy to sell your world class product? Get a free evaluation today:
        http://www.emergingonlinetrends.com/...-juho-tunkelo/

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2707097].message }}

Trending Topics