Brand New Product - Copy Review

Don't know how quick these will be to implement, but here goes:

1. Switch to 12pt Verdana to make it easier to read.

2. You need to go more in-depth on your offer, you seem to be underselling it. E.g., what legal documents - why do I need them?

3. Why should I buy this from you? What have you got that all the other offline experts haven't?

A 60 second review and I see that you use the word "I" or "my" 7 or 8 times in your bullets alone. A copywriting no-no. "YOU will learn THIS" and "YOU will GET THAT" and explain what THEIR benefits will be.

Can you have two colons like that? Doesnt look right to me.

And as Vincenzo said, you use "I", "my" and "me" way to much.

I think you bullet points are extremely dull though.

Take this one for example:

Sources of GREAT outsourced help (Don't be fooled, not all outsourced help is good)

You are getting your point across, but in a way that has virtually no impact at all.

Think of ways to turn those bland statements into "pithy" (as John Carlton would say) nuggets of incredible persuasion. "Great" doesnt have any impact, or any real meaning at all.

Try and get the reader to imagine how much better their business or consulting would be if they had help that was so incredible and reliable that they could quickly turn projects , tasks, or even large core issues or whatever over to them without a single bit of worry.

Or paint a picture of how quickly and without warning their business could become a punching bag for angry customers or fail to be all it can be because they didnt know where or how to outsource tasks.

The graphic at the bottom kind of threw me, it looks as if that is the picture of the main product, not the bonus. Making that clearer might prevent any confusion.

Good Luck!

Ashley

If I may say, this sentence is pretty clumsy:

"What I am going to reveal to you in this ecourse is what I believe is VERY UNIQUE information and has never been taught before like this."

It has two "whats" in it, and it is too long. I would make it into two sentences. Or just take out "what I believe is", right in the middle there. We know you believe it is very unique, because you are saying it.

Also, you say "I" or "I'm" words too many times, actually I make it 23 times, whereas you only use "you" or "your" 13 times. So it is more about you than about your customer.

Your customer does not give a rats ass about you. He or she just wants to know what's in it for them.

Instead of saying, "I am going to give you XYZ", say "you will get your own copy of XYZ".

Just the musings of a newbie........

Best wishes,

Ruth

1. I'd leave the 5 unannounced bonuses as well, unannounced and bonuses. Remove that as a selling point, instead pull your whole offer together and tighten it up. It looks like you're selling them the blueprint, one hour of coaching and the professional documents. That's a solid offer for $27, so let it stand on it's own, and send them the bonuses as a thank you after they buy.

2. Change the date at the start of the letter to auto-update to today's date, it's currently dated Oct. 7th. I'd also re-work the line directly under the date, the 2 semi-colons look weird there to me.

3. Add your copyright info at the bottom of the page with the other disclaimers and links.

Sorry if this stuff sounds nit-picky, but the posters before me gave you some really solid content tips. Good luck with your launch, hopefully it goes well for you!

-Brett

Thank You for all this great feedback. I've written up a couple sales letters before, but I'm not anywhere near a pro at this. I'm going to take your suggestions and make those changes. I agree with all of them!