24 replies
So, I've been writing articles for awhile, but I've never written my own copy and I'm trying to learn.

Would anyone be willing to take a look at my first attempt and offer any feedback?

You can see it here:

Getting Your Site Ranked Quickly

It's just a sample letter for a product I wrote awhile back (not actually for sale right now, but you can get it free in the War Room if you're interested). Ignore the graphics - the site template is just a random one I had on my computer...

Many thanks in advance!!!!
#easy
  • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
    Sarah,

    "Every-Day, Plain-Jane Internet Marketer" doesn't resonate in the headline. I'd expect to find the term "Plain-Jane" in a headline for a beauty product, but not for a money-making product.

    Incongruency is fine, but only when it creates curiosity. In this case, it doesn't. Just confusion.

    Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Russell
    @Alex Cohen - I hadn't thought about that. Thanks for the tip!
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Sarah,

      For what it's worth, your page initially looks fine but I need to think about it a bit further.

      That says a lot it seems, since this morning I was told I was "the Simon Cowell" of copywriting critiques from one of the people I coach.

      Ouch!

      (Not exactly a compliment, I know. But you have to admit, Simon was right more often than not. )

      But we'll see...

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author BrettQ
    Sarah-

    That is so well-written for a first effort that you need to spend the next hour patting yourself on the back. Starting from there, you're going to do just fine as a copywriter.

    -Brett
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce NewMedia
    (Sarah, I don't know of this qualifies as 'going easy' or not, but here's briefly how I see it):

    Honestly,I think it needs a lot of work. It has a lot of elements of a decent letter, but they're all weak. Take the head, for example:

    “Discover How An Every-Day, Plain-Jane Internet Marketer Fired The So-Called ‘Gurus’ And Started Making Money Online Immediately!”

    Who's sees themselves as a Plain Jane? besides the fact that no man see themselves as such :-) ...how do you Fire a So-called Guru? ...is that the metaphor you really want to use? The head is just a bunch of cliched phrases that have no hope of pulling a lazy reader in.

    Other problems: Who are you? you never say. No personal introduction, no sense of making it your own. How did you crack the code on search ranking? I think the whole bit about attacking the gurus is wasted space. How does that move you in the direction of a sale?

    I just noticed only 25% of the page is dedicated to selling the product, and 75% is spent on the bonuses. I'd allocate much more to making the sale by adding believable results-oriented testimonials, and examples, (graphics) of rankings you achieved (before and after your system)...

    also, there's a better skeleton for headline buried way down in your copy:

    "Knowing How To Rank A Website Quickly Is Like Being Handed A Blank Check..."

    ...anyway, as a potential buyer, give me some more meat. Good luck.
    _____
    Bruce
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Sarah,

      This is quite good for your first effort. I agree with an above post - give yourself a pat on the back.

      Now, that being said... Some of the copy could really be improved.

      Not much time to go into it. Working on a relatively long letter myself.

      Anywho, the headline is kind of... lacking.

      In the copy, you open up appealing to your prospects anger and frustration.

      You're trying to get him in the cut - he's bloodied up, he's bruised up from the fall. The fattest gurus have kept him like a dog on a leash. And even worse, he's fallen for it every time. Maybe he's already floundering. Maybe he's grieving.

      Your copy moves in that direction - but the headline doesn't capture them. Doesn't feel like you're starting where they are.

      I also see the makings of a good story headline. If you haven't read it, Vin Montello has a very good 15 page report floating around on the web.

      "Frustrated, Bloody-Nosed Internet Marketer Strikes Back At Swindling Fat Cat Gurus And Discovers The Hushed-Up Web-Site Ranking Strategies That Paid Her A King's Ransom... And How You Can Use Them To Fill Your Pockets With All The Money You Want!"

      Not my best, but done rather quickly. Like I said, I think you're headline could use some priming.

      All the best,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author Gary Pettit
    Richest advice I could give anyone: Get a copy of E.B. White's "The Elements of Style." It remains the quintessential guide for writing well in English. Should be available online or at any library, for free. Ask the librarian.

    It was the greatest single step in my success as a writer.
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    • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
      Good stab at your first sales page.

      Layout wise, it's tolerable.

      However, your biggest problem is your headline and your headline is the most important piece of your salesletter.

      It's job is to get your visitor to continue reading to the next sentence (your subhead)...and so on and so on.

      As of right now, your headline has nothing to do with what your product is all about.

      Your product is all about Getting Your Website Ranked Quickly.

      So you need to lead with that in your headline.

      And instead of using quickly as your prospects expected time to get ranked, use a definite time frame like "In As Little As 48 Hours"

      I don't know how "quickly" you can show someone to get their site ranked, but you need to tell them EXACTLY how quick they can do it.

      Also, you need more elements of proof to plead your case of your offer.

      If you are claiming to help them get their site ranked quickly, you need to show them examples of your sites ranking high and some traffic stats as well from Google Analytics or from your site's control panel like AW Stats.

      Show your best results and brag about them. Also show your typical results too to explain that they won't always hit a homerun, but that you can still win the website ranking and money making ball game 1 single at a time.

      One last thing...

      Playing the Anti-Guru angle seems like a popular thing to do these days, but it isn't an automatic boost to your conversions.

      In fact, many people reading your page won't even know what the word "guru" means or even who the "gurus" are.

      Some that do may even be turned off by that kind of talk and will leave your page even though they really need your product.

      To me it's more like a cheap shot to make yourself look better, but in many cases you will end up hurting your own credibility more by doing so.

      Some things are better left unsaid, so just stick to what your product can do for your visitors and nothing else.

      Hope this helps

      Jason

      P.S. If your course is really that good, raise your price to at least $47. I'd say split test $47, $77, and $97.

      I'll bet $97 converts the highest.

      If you do a good job of showing your visitor what's in it for them if they go through your course, you can justify the higher price.

      Don't sell yourself short. It will take a lot of $27 sales to make all this time you're spending on your product worth while.
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      "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

      Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Hi Sarah,


    Besides the fact that the vast majority of your target market won't read that much past your pre-head or headline you will completely loose them for sure in the very beginning of the copy whereby you don't personalize it and connect to THEM, instead you talk about you :rolleyes:

    I put hours of blood, sweat and tears into building my first website...

    I tweaked the graphics, adjusted the structure of the site and made sure the content was top-notch. I was absolutely, 100% confident that there was nothing else I could do to make my site better...

    I was ready for my big launch - and for those fat commission checks to start rolling in!

    Launch day came and went, and... nothing happened! I had no traffic, no visitors and - worst of all - no money coming in.

    I was shocked... What happened!? Why weren’t hordes of hungry visitors knocking down my digital door, ready to take me up on the offer I spent so many hours perfecting?
    So you have 6 "I's" and not one single you

    HINT: Your market does not care about YOU.

    What your market cares about is "me" (as in WIIFM = What's In It For Me?)


    Best of Luck,

    Justin
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by Justin Mandel View Post

      Hi Sarah,


      Besides the fact that the vast majority of your target market won't read that much past your pre-head or headline you will completely loose them for sure in the very beginning of the copy whereby you don't personalize it and connect to THEM, instead you talk about you :rolleyes:
      It's quite ok to break the copywriting rules, especially when it comes to "I" v. "You" conversation.

      As long you know you are doing it and you can counter-balance accordingly.

      Let's think about it for a moment.

      Let's say *I* have had a traumatic experience.

      Maybe it was sitting outside the operating room, knowing a loved one may not come out alive.

      Maybe it was feeling deep pains in your chest, thinking "Am I having a heart attack?"

      There are two counterweights that make it ok to frame the "I" conversation and have it be a compelling read.

      Here's the first:

      It's a story. A personal story. One when shared with enough emotion and conviction, the reader can't help but identify with it. Readers literally "see" themselves in the story. Or they have had a similar experience. Read Reader's Digest for examples.

      The second counterweight is there's "a promise" in there somewhere. Maybe multiple promises. The more the better. Read Eugene Schwartz's copy.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: Those are the reasons why one of the most popular columns in magazines is Oprah's "What I Know For Sure."
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Hi Sarah,

        Your first effort is better than the majority of sales messages coming across our virtual desk for review.

        Now for ways to get more clicking the BUY BUTTON of yours.

        #1 Be more clear WHO your target audience is. Internet marketer is too broad.
        Yes it is good and right to feed back emotion and inner turmoil your target audience feels.
        Using GURU's as the scapegoat is too easy to use, hence it has got overused and falls on deaf ears.

        #2 Be more clear on the one thing you want them to have stick in their mind.
        Do this by telling about things in terms of time and numbers.

        Examples in the Internet Marketing world would be...

        "Seven Figures In Seven Days"

        "Climb 11 Places In Google In 4 Days"

        "200 More People Everyday To Website"

        People "get" the benefit and "get" what your offer is within one sentence. Not only that, you become easily remembered for easy word of mouth...."Oh you should go and see the 200 more visitors to your website lady". Jeff Walker was originally given the tag "Six Figures In Six days". The name stuck to him and spread. In your case you can come up with your own. Ann Convery has got "Get Your Message Heard In 3 Seconds Or Less".

        #3 Use added benefits to expand and reinforce your main one. You don't want the reader thinking "so what does that mean". If you picture someone asking you that, you can come up with the answer.

        #4 You have let them off the hook to easily at the buying stage. Not strong enough reason to act now as a benefit. Not a strong enough reason why, by not acting now, is flat out wrong.

        Sarah, it's good to see you have an open mind on ways to get your sales message heard.

        All the best,
        Ewen
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      • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
        Thanks Rick (as always) for your super mega-sharp intellectual scalpel

        There's no way I could've elucidated my point as well as you vividly did



        Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

        It's quite ok to break the copywriting rules, especially when it comes to "I" v. "You" conversation.

        As long you know you are doing it and you can counter-balance accordingly.

        Let's think about it for a moment.

        Let's say *I* have had a traumatic experience.

        Maybe it was sitting outside the operating room, knowing a loved one may not come out alive.

        Maybe it was feeling deep pains in your chest, thinking "Am I having a heart attack?"

        There are two counterweights that make it ok to frame the "I" conversation and have it be a compelling read.

        Here's the first:

        It's a story. A personal story. One when shared with enough emotion and conviction, the reader can't help but identify with it. Readers literally "see" themselves in the story. Or they have had a similar experience. Read Reader's Digest for examples.

        The second counterweight is there's "a promise" in there somewhere. Maybe multiple promises. The more the better. Read Eugene Schwartz's copy.

        - Rick Duris

        PS: Those are the reasons why one of the most popular columns in magazines is Oprah's "What I Know For Sure."
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        • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
          Originally Posted by Justin Mandel View Post

          Thanks Rick (as always) for your super mega-sharp intellectual scalpel

          There's no way I could've elucidated my point as well as you vividly did
          Sorry if I sound like a know-it-all sometimes. You're right though also, there comes a point when you do have to break away and start talking directly to the prospect. - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Russell
    Wow - thanks everyone for the great feedback (and for not totally crushing this first time copywriter!)

    BrettQ - Thank you, that's very kind of you to say

    RickDuris - Thanks for taking a look. If you have any feedback in the future, I'd love to hear it (Simon Cowell style or not!)

    Brucerby - Thanks for the tips. You definitely make a good point about the headline - I'm going to work on making that more powerful for sure. I'll also look at ways to add more relevant content about the product. Much appreciated!!!

    ASuarez/Jasondinner - Yeah, I kind of struggled with whether or not to add the guru bashing thing. One of the hardest things I'm finding with writing copy is being able to tell one clear, concise story and not veer off in too many different directions. It'll take some practice, for sure!

    Sparkie2260 - Thanks for the tip, I'll definitely check it out!

    Ken_Caudill - Thanks for checking it out. I don't really have any concrete time claims I can make right now - the system needs to be way more refined before that. But it's definitely something I'm going to work on and revisit.

    Again, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who's taken the time to read my first stab at copywriting. It's a little scary to put something like that out there for review, and I really appreciate all of your great feedback!!!
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Russell
    Justin Mandel - Thanks so much for reading through. It's funny that you mention that - I actually started with that whole scenario in the "you" tense (ie - you spent hours perfecting your website, blah blah blah...), but it wound up feeling really abstract to me and I thought people might relate more if it was presented as a scenario that had happened to me.

    In your opinion, would changing the tense back make it more effective, or scrap it altogether?
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    • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
      Hi again Sarah,

      IMO you can salvage it and use it somewhere further down the copy. By (re)using that you can set yourself up to be that trusted expert, with all of that as part of the history for how you came to be such an expert

      You certainly can try to change the tense back, but whether you keep it on not will really depends on how successfully well you can connect with your salespages visitors

      (Of course you can't recycle all of that for both the beginning of the copy AND to establish yourself as a trusted expert).


      Best of Luck,

      Justin
      Originally Posted by Sarah Russell View Post

      Justin Mandel - Thanks so much for reading through. It's funny that you mention that - I actually started with that whole scenario in the "you" tense (ie - you spent hours perfecting your website, blah blah blah...), but it wound up feeling really abstract to me and I thought people might relate more if it was presented as a scenario that had happened to me.

      In your opinion, would changing the tense back make it more effective, or scrap it altogether?
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Russell
    Rick - Thanks for the comments. I know I've seen the "I" scenario done well before, but I don't think I quite get to a strong enough emotion/conviction stage with my current copy to be effective. I'm not sure if I can get it there as written, but I'll keep messing with it.

    Also, if anyone has any tips on constructing a compelling, clear and concise story for your copy, I'd love to hear them
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  • Profile picture of the author Barry Unruh
    The good news, once you have finished making the tweaks as have been recommended you have great power.

    Since it is your own product it will be time to launch it, start accumulating data, creating an "improved" sales letter, and split-testing. You can keep tweaking, testing, and learning by making changes and observing what improves your conversions and what decreases conversions.

    I'll point out one item which I found a bit troubling. "Dear Frustrated Internet Marketer"

    Are you only addressing "Frustrated" marketers? What about newbies? What about people making a profit who want to improve their capabilities? What if I'm not frustrated?

    One other comment, Your powerful statements are right here:

    Knowing How To Rank A Website Quickly Is Like Being Handed A Blank Check...This Is The Info Your Wallet Is BEGGING For!

    That is a headline which would get me reading further, especially when reinforced with the fact a "know-nothing" marketer was able to implement the strategies.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Hi Sarah,

      1. While the copy is professional and clear, the story/copy can be told more compellingly, strongly and convincingly. I think one of the reasons the copy is kinda weak is because it's not personal enough or dramatic enough. It just doesn't have a enough emotional personality to pull a person through.

      2. Put in several pictures of you. Maybe a headshot, maybe of you behind you laptop or desktop pulling your hair out. A video. Give the letter some personality. Your signature.

      3. You lack proof or evidence. No screen shots of your success or something that would convey your success with your methods. Back up every one of your promises and claims if you can.

      4. The bonuses are a yawn. So much so, I'd leave them out.

      Overall, while the copy is ok and it's definitely clear and written very well, at this point, it really feels like PLR-level copy. So I'd rewrite it, if I were you.

      But I appreciate your desire to improve.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: If you want a lengthier, more detailed critique, hit me up on Skype. We can talk. "copyranger". All I ask is that you record the conversation, so that you can go back and make adjustments.

      PPS: When I say "PLR-level copy," I'm talking about copy which is good enough to be sold with a product, but not good enough to convert and hasn't been tested.
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Russell
    ewenmack - Haha, no reason to have an ego when it comes to words - either they're working or they aren't Thanks so much for the tips - I'm going to go back and work on adding proof, numbers, etc.

    Barry Unruh - Thanks for the feedback - I hadn't thought about the frustrated vs. just wanting to improve angle. I'm definitely going to look at expanding the target audience in my next set of revisions.

    RickDuris - Thanks so much for following up and for your feedback. Honestly, I'm pretty psyched that you'd consider my first effort to be PLR level and not just "flush it down the toilet" level After re-reading everything a few times, I definitely agree that the emotional impact could be more compelling. And thanks for the generous critique offer - what time are you usually on? I would love to chat, but my schedule is limited by my day job.
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by Sarah Russell View Post

      RickDuris - Thanks so much for following up and for your feedback. Honestly, I'm pretty psyched that you'd consider my first effort to be PLR level and not just "flush it down the toilet" level After re-reading everything a few times, I definitely agree that the emotional impact could be more compelling. And thanks for the generous critique offer - what time are you usually on? I would love to chat, but my schedule is limited by my day job.
      I'm a workaholic and I'm flexible, so anytime is a good time. - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Gary Pettit
    "I put hour of blood, sweat and tears into my first website...."

    A good start.

    Please remember: Work SMART, not Hard.

    Keep it up: In it to win it!
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  • Profile picture of the author Sarah Russell
    Showayne/sparkie - Thanks for the feedback!!!

    RickDuris - I'm going to try to catch you sometime tomorrow night. Thanks again for the offer!
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