Appreciate Feedback On This Letter

10 replies
Hello Warriors,

This is a letter I wrote recently for a yoga product, selling to retirees.

I've written several pieces for different DVDs (among them, cancer).

It is attached to this message in .pdf format.

Also notice, the price and name of the client have been omitted for confidentiality.

Thanks in advance!

All the best,

Angel
#feedback #letter
  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Angel,

    Can I ask why you've decided to focus on "retirees"?

    I don't know any seniors who consider themselves "retired."

    Also when it comes to the title of the product, it's weak. I think a benefit-oriented tagline is in order.

    - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author shayman
    Hi
    I'm not a copywriting expert by any means but I enjoyed reading through the sales letter. One or two things stood out to me that didn't quite flow:
    '5,000 years is a long time. And still, here’s yoga,' maybe: (5,000 years is a long time, but Yoga is still practiced by more than 11 million people in the United States alone.)
    'Take a Gander At The X Minute Video Below' (not sure about 'Gander')

    The other thing that might cause me a little concern too is the money back time limit of 21 months! Yes it's a great offer but in my mind I would be thinking 'Is it going to take me that long before I appreciate the benefits? (this could just be the way my mind works so it may not be a bad thing).

    Anyhow just a couple of ideas.
    Cheers
    Shayman
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    • Profile picture of the author maximus242
      Bleh. Mediocre, id rewrite the whole thing.
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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    There's one big hurdle to take care of, as early as possible: elderly people are deathly afraid of injuring themselves, doing any kind of exercise. Even tai chi instructors have to work hard to overcome this perception that it's a risky thing to do. Yoga, much more so. So address that early, and run a testimonial to back it up.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      @ Rick - Thanks for your feedback Rick. I'm glad you got a chance to chime in.

      I was very skeptical about writing to retirees, since it's pretty much an amorphous market... and very difficult to tap. For example, when researching, I couldn't find "exercise" or "health benefits" for retirees. The market is a majority of seniors, sprinkled with some young bucks who got wealthy and retired early.

      The client wanted to roll-out with this and wouldn't hear another word.

      I'm expecting I'll be able to convince them to enter the revision phase once we see the results.

      @ Shayman - Thank you for your comment. Funny that you mention the '5,000 year' part. I've had a few hang-ups on it. Since it's not just me, I'll go ahead and tinker with it to iron out the flow.

      @ Maximum - Not worth commenting. This is an example of a useless statement.

      @JTunkelo - Thanks for pointing this out. I failed to keep it in mind. I'll go ahead and modify the copy accordingly.

      Thanks for your input folks. I'll be putting it into action ASAP.

      If anyone else has feedback, it would be truly appreciated.

      All the best,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author maximus242
    Its not a useless statement because I know of control copy pulling 4% offline right now for similar things that is absolutely killing it. This copy is nowhere near it. Your copy should just be rewritten, it will take longer to try to fix it a little bit at a time than it will be to redo it.

    the subhead is unbelievable, the headline has no proof, the readership sale is getting better (it looks like your trying to use clayton makepeaces formatting)

    The first sentence basically says nothing. The whole copy is muddy.

    The second benefit list gets better. Ugh man the whole thing is just muddy it just, its going to require you go over every inch of this thing. Im just saying its faster to rewrite it. The entire piece needs to be critiqued from the very beginning to the very end.

    Some parts have a good foundation but the copy as a whole is choppy and muddy and does not have a force and power to it. Its bleh. You read it and you get lost, you dont even know what is being said half the time. Your not writing in one session. Your first draft is supposed to be written as quickly as humanly possible because it has a flow and clarity that cant be achieved by spending ten days trying to piece something together.

    Im assuming your using a makepeace outline because a lot of things look like your trying to take from typical things he does. But first your supposed to write an outline of where your going to take the copy, then just write,write,write,write until you've got the whole thing down in first draft.

    Then you edit. The copy has a lot better flow, momentum and progression. Here it feels like you thought a lot then wrote a bit then thought a lot, the whole copy slows way down to a halt.

    You need to write fast and then edit slowly. Your clearly thinking when you write and as halbert said, the best writing is thoughtless writing. You should just know your subject cold and then write like a crazed madman with 5 minutes to catch a train. The copy will be a lot stronger.

    The copy goes very slow and its very easy to get lost. There isnt a single continous train of thought. It goes then stops then goes then stops. Muddy.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Maximus,

      Thanks a lot for the input.

      Sorry if I came off negatively before; early mornings.

      This was a lot of great information. Funny enough, you nailed down exactly what happened. I was having a lot of difficulty writing to the retiree audience. I ended up writing a chunk, stopping, writing another chunk, stopping.

      You're spot on with Makepeace - I study a lot of his stuff, so I guess it's showing.

      Once again, I appreciate your input and will put it to use.

      All the best,

      Angel
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        Angel,

        I can appreciate you don't want to argue with your Client. Sometimes, you both just have to go through a learning process.

        But if you quickly google YOGA FOR RETIREES, there's only 130,000 SERPS that I see. Broad match. Not a lot at all, and most, even on the first page are irrelevant.

        What's interesting is there are PPC ads for that term but they all have the word SENIORS in the headline.

        You have your work cut out for you. :rolleyes:

        - Rick Duris

        PS: I'm not saying the product should even be re-titled to seniors. Because in my world, Yoga for Seniors is weak as well. That's why I suggested a tagline, to give it that extra oomph.

        If you could come up with a "Fit Over Fifty" version as a title for yoga seniors that would be cool.
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        • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
          Rick,

          I'm not too fond of the name.

          What you have said reminds me of a Bullet from Gary Bencivenga:

          Marketing Bullets | Bullet #17

          "The best product names have a benefit built right into them."

          I will definitely have to speak with the client.

          The fact I can't use testimonials already makes it difficult enough.

          Thanks again Rick. You've given me quite a bit to chew on.

          All the best,

          Angel
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          • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
            Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

            Rick,

            I'm not too fond of the name.

            What you have said reminds me of a Bullet from Gary Bencivenga:

            Marketing Bullets | Bullet #17

            "The best product names have a benefit built right into them."

            I will definitely have to speak with the client.

            The fact I can't use testimonials already makes it difficult enough.

            Thanks again Rick. You've given me quite a bit to chew on.

            All the best,

            Angel
            1. Yes, if the title of the product sucks, a copywriter will have their work cut out for them.

            2. Tell the yoga instructor to give away the DVDs to a few of their students for their opinion and feedback. It'll cost $100 or so. In return, you want their honest feedback. Include a prepaid postage comment card/sheet.

            Or better yet, have them do a video or audio. It will be worth the effort.

            - Rick
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