Help me re write my sale email please

13 replies
Hey guys - i wonder if you guy could help me rewrite this email please?
Or give me some pointers?

When i sent out the link to sales page originally i had more than half my list buy. So i wrote an email and set it up as an auto responder to my list subscribers (email number 3 in a chain, first two offering valuable and free information). And i get almost zero conversions.

Remember that the topic is for subscribers to a tutorial website on a specific synth.

Any tips would be very much appreciated
Thanks in advance for your time.


Here is the current email

Hey X,

I hope you have found my blog xxxxxx.com helpful!
I try to add two or three new tutorials every week so keep
checking back for more info.

Over the next couple of weeks i have some great tutorials for
you including tutorials on using the routing feature, the bypass
function (awesome for sound design!) as well as tutorials on the
band reject filter for sweeps and how to use the Insert effects
amongst others!

I'd like to say thank you for your support in subscribing to my
blog, i'd like to offer you a 50 % discount on my product XXX.

The normal price is $24 but as a subscriber, and to say thanks
for supporting, you can have XXX for only $12!

Click this link below to have a listen some samples of these patches.

This offer is available to you by clicking this link

http://www.xxxxxx.com/offer

Thank you for supporting my blog, and I'll be in touch soon with
the first part in a tutorial about the routing capabilities of XXXXX!
#email #sale #write
  • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
    Hi jeskola,

    First off, it would be helpful to know the opening rate of your emails and the subject lines you used.

    You see, the first hurdle you have to cross is actually getting the email read.

    If you are using Aweber, it’s possible to see the opening rate for every mailing. And – if you have other than the basic level – you can actually remail just the people who didn’t open your email the first time round. That allows you to split test a different subject line.

    So to make sure YOUR subject line stands out amongst all the others they are probably receiving you need to have a large dose of curiosity. For example …

    Someone was digging a grave in the corner of the graveyard as I went

    OR …

    I could hardly believe this and neither will you.

    Having got your email opened, you need to instantly grab the reader’s attention.

    As this is only the third email in the sequence, you need to remind folks who you are.

    So open with …

    It’s jeskola here with some more must have secrets to help you ….

    Again it’s building on the curiosity factor. People aren’t interested in information – and the idea of a tutorial won’t start the blood coursing through their arteries, because it sounds like hard work.

    What people want are secrets, the inside track, the heads up - and they LOVE the idea of getting something other folks don’t get.

    So you can use that to add some urgency to your email. Because, right now, there’s no reason to click your link.

    So you must tell them that there’s only a limited number of these available and if they don’t zoom right over there immediately, they will MISS OUT big time and will be choking in the dust left by their competitors.

    Always remember, fear of loss is a far stronger motivator than promise of gain.

    Finally, always sign your name to an email and have a post script, stressing the urgency of going to your link.

    Always show the link in the body of the email and in the P.S. Apart from being good marketing, it’s also a fail-safe in case one of the links gets broken.

    There’s plenty more, but that should get you started.

    Warmest regards,


    Paul

    P.S.

    Over the next couple of weeks i have some great tutorials
    Please, please ...please use a capital 'I' - always.

    Whilst it might just about be okay to use a lower case 'i' in your forum posts, never use it in an email or sales letter. The majority of folks still use 'I' and will be less than impressed with your English. Remember, they are weighing up your offer and your grammar is one factor they will use.

    In fact, you'd be better off using 'I' every time, because then you'll develop the habit.
    Signature
    If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2776469].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Eduardo2
    Hi Paul, good ideas there.
    If I may ask for your opinion, what "open" ratio would you perceive as a too low of a rate for mailers to your list?
    A ratio which is a bottom barrier so you would know you should change the mailer title.
    (let's say - for a list of 10,000 subscribers)

    Thanks in advance
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2776940].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author michaljohn
      really its a good tips to write sales mail..Thanks for sharing this??
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2776998].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author jeskola
        Paul - absolute gold.
        Thanks very much.
        Signature

        Don't look to MAKE money - look to HELP people and you will make all the money you can ever want.

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2777175].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author myob
          The email may get a better response with a catchy subject, a strong call to action
          including a free gift and eliminating or rewording these phrases;
          "I hope ..."
          "I try ..."
          "I'd like to say ..."
          "This offer is available"
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2777760].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
            Hi guys and gals,

            Eduardo2 asked ...
            Hi Paul, good ideas there.
            If I may ask for your opinion, what "open" ratio would you perceive as a too low of a rate for mailers to your list?
            I've gotten opening rates as high as 82.4%, but I suppose a good benchmark would be 50%. But that depends on the quality of the list. I've found that 'freebie seekers' and 'tire-kickers' are the worst and your existing buyers are the best for opening you emails.

            And, if you have Aweber, you can upgrade to a level where you can resend the email to ONLY those folks who didn't open your message the first time.

            Neat eh?

            Warmest regards,

            Paul
            Signature
            If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2781325].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author John4444
    [DELETED]
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2778218].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author wvcopywriter
    Another good tip is do not put your price in the email. You want to write an email to get them intrigued enough to click on your link to find out the price.
    Signature

    Don't have the time to write emails that will get opened, read and your reader to take action then leave me a message. I will get back to you within 48 hrs.

    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2781919].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Eduardo2
    Thanks again Paul.
    I do use Aweber

    did not know about this! will give it a GO

    10x
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2782329].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Aira Bongco
    Hey jeskola,

    Paul is right. You should give them a reason to click on that link. The scarcity technique may do the trick but it will help you more if you make sure that you are offering quality information in your first two emails.

    In my experience, it is not enough to simply send content. It must be valuable to be able to build trust. If your subscribers don't trust you, they will ignore your emails and of course, they will not buy from you.

    Now assuming you provided good content in the first two emails and built anticipation for the upcoming email (meaning you warned them ex. "I discovered something that can [insert bold claim], look out for my next emails to find out"). Here is how I will improve your third letter:

    Hey X,

    Here is the secret that I have been telling you about. [insert story ex. "I am just playing around the other day when I discovered..."]

    That is when I came up with a product entitled XXX. This contains ________. The product is so great that I have been receiving lots of emails claiming that ______.

    Now this is where the good news come in.

    You see, I decided to give a 50% discount to the next ____ buyers of the product. You can now get my product for only $12!

    Click on the link below.

    http://www.xxxxxx.com/offer

    NAME
    So it limits the elements of the email and it is direct to the point so it gets the action that you want out of your subscriber.

    Hope that helps,

    Aira
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2782536].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author jeskola
      Hey guys - how is this?
      I've decided to scrap the sales email and instad have combined it with the first email they get (on sign up). Is that wise?

      By the way - my most recent email that went out was email 12 in a chain and got 31% open with 42% click.

      My new email reads (this is on sign up) - should i save this one for the day after or keep it in the first mail?


      Hey X,
      Thanks for signing up to my blog www.xxx.com/


      I'll be sending out exclusive tutorials not available on the main blog to you in future, so make sure and keep your eye out for my emails or flag my email address so i skip your spam filter.


      Some of the secret tutorials coming to you very soon:
      • How to create the XXX
      • An awesome tip for sculpting your sounds
      • One of the greatest "hidden" functions of XXX not many people use
      • Creating XXXX, yet beautiful sweeps!
      To get you started, here is a free bank of exclusive patches only available to subscribers: www.xxx.com/


      But that's not my only gift to you


      Finding good XXXX for XXXX is not an easy task. I've spent hours trawling forums looking for XXXX to add to my collection. The XXXXX ships with are not all that great either - and the ones that are you can XXXXX already out there.


      With this in mind i created XXXXX, a XXXXX pack for XXXX with contemporary music genres in mind. I designed these sounds not only to be used straight of the bat in your productions but as a tool you can build on using the tutorials on XXXX and with the ones exclusive to subscribers.


      Just by subscribing you will have access to keys for the waveforms sounds regular readers of the blog will not.

      XXXX has over 35 tutorials, most of which are exclusive to my blog. We feature guest posts an interviews from some of the best sound designers out there and have over 1500 subscribers. There is no other blog out there with such in depth information on XXXXX.

      To say thank you for your support in subscribing to my blog, I'd like to make you a one time offer of 50% discount off my soundbank for XXXX.



      The normal price is $24 but as a subscriber, and to say thanks for supporting, you can have XXXXX for only $12!


      Click now to find out more about XXXX or to download the Free demo pack : www.xxx.com/


      With the purchase not only do you get a 50% discount but i'm available to answer any questions you have on the subscriber tutorials and questions about XXXXX if you have any when using them in your productions.



      If you purchase XXXX within the next week i'll even throw in 1 of the other XXX packs for FREE. Simply buy XXXX and drop me an email introducing yourself, what you wish to learn with XXXX and let me know which of the other packs you would like and i'll send it on free of charge.


      Once again thanks for subscribing to XXX , and i look forward to hearing from you. I'll be in touch soon with the first tutorial


      P.S The link above for the 50% subscriber discount is only a limited time offer - so be quick!!www.xxx.com/
      Signature

      Don't look to MAKE money - look to HELP people and you will make all the money you can ever want.

      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2787359].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author jeskola
        Any thoughts guys?
        Signature

        Don't look to MAKE money - look to HELP people and you will make all the money you can ever want.

        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2790801].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author SergeyZ
          Originally Posted by jeskola View Post

          Any thoughts guys?
          First thought? BIG IMPROVEMENT

          Second thought? If you want to keep your blog secret you may want to take out all the links in your post.
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2791118].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author jeskola
            Originally Posted by SergeyZ View Post

            First thought? BIG IMPROVEMENT

            Second thought? If you want to keep your blog secret you may want to take out all the links in your post.
            Thanks!

            Haha - oops , didn't see that
            Signature

            Don't look to MAKE money - look to HELP people and you will make all the money you can ever want.

            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2791129].message }}

Trending Topics