What have you been doing? What are your traffic generation methods? Do you add good content regularly to your site? How long have you been updating the site?

I need the above questions answered before I will suggest anything.

Split test, split test, split test.

When you are done, do it more.

It works, I have changed a major traffic site and conversions way up.

Here's how I personally feel as a prospect:

The moment he said the video will take around 10 minutes, I'm not prepared to wait that long. I've seen longer videos than this but none of them mentioned how long it will take. I watched their videos until the end because right from the start, they bring me to a state of inquisitiveness.

Secondly, the headline suggests to me that this product is probably just another 'how to make money' product. It is not unique in my opinion. It doesn't tell a story or personal achievement/success from the seller.

These are the two main reasons why I'm personally turned off right from the start. Maybe others may have different opinions as well.

All the best mate!

This should be in the copywriting section, not the main forum.

I'm tired of im'ers reading to my like I'm a damn illiterate. If you are going to hijack me into a video, at least make it interesting... I don't want a 10 minute lecture reading from a powerpoint slide.

Do you have metrics that show how long people are staying on the page?

Thanks for the advice so far, my traffic source is an email blast to 7,000 targeted prospects.

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This makes no sense:



** UPDATE

The original HL graphic has been updated. Previous comment no longer applies

Yeah I had already changed that, I'm waiting for video to finish uploading so I could upload new page. But in the meantime anything else?

Well, if they're only staying for between 1 and 30 seconds... the obvious answer I would suggest is...

... they don't like video.

And you haven't given them anything to read... so they're off.

Considering what you're selling, this looks, at best, to be a case of "Physician, heal thyself".

To put it bluntly, your video's boring, the site design's second rate and the copy's fourth rate.

At the very least you need to provide some proof and credibility elements - tell me why I should believe what you're saying.

And your headline needs to be more specific, more targeted and focused on your prospects' problems.

Ultimately, I think you'd be better off scrapping it completely and hiring a pro.

This isn't an easy fix. The copy's terrible.

You need to hire someone who can actually write copy.

Business owners are generally pretty savvy - they know if that's the kind of crap you put out you probably aren't successful.

I think it's a miracle people are even staying for 90 seconds.

-Dan

You mention 2 bonuses almost at the very beginning of the video. As a cynical IM'er that tells me that you don't reallty believe in your main product. You are begging me to stay by offering some bonus down the road. Kill them with your main product, then use the bonuses to overdeliver once you have already set the hook.

Brian mentioned your headline does not make sense. It does not make sense and is weak on more than one level, but if you are going to keep it that way, it should read breakthrough not breakthrough(s).

George

Why would I leave this page? Three reasons.
1. It did not caught my interest. The headline makes no sense.
2. The video takes too long to load. You could have caught my interest if it begun.
3. You did not give me a reason to wait - no curiosity, no excitement.

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