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Please critique my Squeeze (I'm improving it)

by DavidSaaf
15 replies
I LOVE your critics! Thank you all mates... Here's my update : www.10minuteflatbelly.com




Okay,

Here's my squeeze copy... your view, advice is appreciated : index



Thanks
#critique #improving #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    David,

    For starters you can employ your spell check feature so you don't have spelling errors

    Best of Luck,

    Justin
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianDowns
    I'm no pro (only in marketing for a few months) but it seems to me that people like to discover things... And when you ask a question that helps to jog the imagination, you can get a better response.

    Large font (red):
    Are You Finally Sick Of That Overhanging Belly and Chubby Love Handles?
    Smaller font (black):
    "Discover how you can get that lean sexy belly that your mate will simply adore in just 10 minutes a day by following my free, simple guide that will take you step by step to a slimmer, more attractive you in only 30 days!"

    Now I don't know the time frame to your promises, but I thought 30 days sounded good.

    Again, I'm no pro, but I've really been watching what these guys are doing.
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    Stop wasting time fighting for wimpy commissions - Make $1,497 a day by next week!
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    • Profile picture of the author Paul Hooper-Kelly
      Hi David,

      For the best results you need to make all your squeeze page visible 'above the fold' - in other words: instantly visible without having to scroll down.

      So you really need to lose the heading, tighten up the spacing and make sure the web form is completely visible.

      You also need to swing the image of what you are offering more to the vertical, because - right now - it's hardly noticeable.

      And - if you have one - a testimonial will go a long way to help build credibility.

      If you doubt all that can be squeezed in, take a look at one of mine ...



      Warmest regards,

      Paul
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      If you want to stack the copywriting deck in your favor with tricks and hacks producing winners like: "$20K in three days" "650 sold" "30% conversion", then you might like to know I'm retiring and will spill the beans to two people. More info here.
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        I have two comments:

        1. I think the design does you a disservice. No offense, but it's amateurish. I'd invest in a great design.

        Most people don't appreciate this, but a good design substantially impacts the selling process. Because people draw first impressions from your design even before they read a word of your copy.

        2. Is "belly" really the right word here? Or would "abs" or "tummy" be better? Maybe "pooch?" Obviously the headline would need to be rewritten. I just don't think people are saying to them themselves "I need to flatten my belly."

        - Rick Duris
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        • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
          Originally Posted by RickDuris View Post

          I have two comments:

          1. I think the design does you a disservice. No offense, but it's amateurish. I'd invest in a great design.

          Most people don't appreciate this, but a good design substantially impacts the selling process. Because people draw first impressions from your design even before they read a word of your copy.

          2. Is "belly" really the right word here? Or would "abs" or "tummy" be better? Maybe "pooch?" Obviously the headline would need to be rewritten. I just don't think people are saying to them themselves "I need to flatten my belly."

          - Rick Duris
          You have a good point here, Rick.

          Only thing is, some people ARE saying it. Mostly women. My wife among them says "belly."

          Men usually say "stomach" or "abs." Women generally say "belly," "tummy," or "pooch."

          When you're in this field, you kind of need to figure out which side of the fence you're playing. Male, or female. Otherwise, your message ends up confused.
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          • Profile picture of the author zombiewarrior
            you should incorporate a script that checks what keyword the users used to find/get to your site, and have that display in the heading (dynamic keyword insertion). At least look into it if you're driving PPC traffic... google loves sites that display the exact phrase (be it "tummy," "pooch," etc.), and increase quality score for it (but I have no idea your traffic methods, so my tip might be irrelevant lol).

            Also, as someone else said, opt-in should always be above the fold!

            Also, would recommend looking into InstantSlideUp or something similar, to help increase opt-in rates.

            Just my .02!
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  • Profile picture of the author makingiants
    -Change your title-it should be more descriptive than just
    'index';
    -tighten the page a bit, eliminate all the white space;
    -optin form needs to be shortened, less is more;
    -arrow is good;
    -not far from a solid page;

    You're sooo brave for asking for critiques.
    Most of us couldn' take this kind of heat.
    This is the place for that kind of thing, though...

    May you enjoy great success after the changes!
    Vince aka makingiants
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  • Profile picture of the author DavidSaaf
    I LOVE your critics! Thank you all mates... Here's my update : The secret to a flat belly.. with just 10-minute per day!
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  • Profile picture of the author jasondinner
    Hey David,

    I made a quick video to offer you some more suggestions to improve the response on your squeeze page.


    Hope it helps
    Jason
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    "Human thoughts have the tendency to transform themselves into their physical equivalent." Earl Nightingale

    Super Affiliates Hang Out Here

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  • Profile picture of the author geoffco23
    Hi. Thought I'd throw in my two penn'orth. I think there are some simple design changes that might help:
    - Line up the headline text with the white container below it.
    - Change the 'handwritten' font - hard to read.
    - Turn image upright and make more obvious - white on white is hard to see.
    - Increase size of 2nd headline - 'Do you want to'.
    - Change bullet points font - Verdana, maybe? More immediately readable.
    - Edit bullet points text - too wordy, make short & snappy.
    - Lose blue in Johnson box.
    - Consider a yellow Johnson box.
    Hope this helps. Fresh set of eyes always helps me, which is why I like coming here.
    GW
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  • Profile picture of the author attorneydavid
    honestly the red arrow makes me dizzy
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    • Profile picture of the author DavidSaaf
      Originally Posted by attorneydavid View Post

      honestly the red arrow makes me dizzy
      The arrow is used to drow the attention of my prospect toward the optin form..
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      • Profile picture of the author attorneydavid
        I know what you're using it for and it's effective for that unfortunately it generates such negative emotion looking at it I'd never fill the thing out. Other people might be different. It's a major element, I'd suggest it's worthy of a split test.
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        I've lost 90 pounds(160+ overall) fasting since January 2016 after failing for years on diets that just made me sick and miserable. Check out Prudently.com where I'm writing about fasting and weight loss. Get a Brandable Domain Name at Name Perfection.

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  • Profile picture of the author HotDamnShortSales
    is this a Kajabi template? looks like one, im no pro, im working on launching my product myself, but you will probably look back at this page in a month or so and go "wow, what was I thinking", so always be evolving, OR lock it in, and see what happens with it. But design is def important today, its CONSTANTLY changing, I too thought that the bouncing red arrow was the way to go, or with optimizepress theme, but after seeing other templates and web designs, i changed my mind, AND with awesome feedback from this forum.

    .02
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  • Profile picture of the author geegel
    "I don't know who you are and you give me no details of what the report actually contains. You could easily take that checklist and slap to just about any other product in this niche that was ever developed. So I'll skip reading it. All that I see is a strange headline with some remarkable claim and a paragraph about how my mate doesn't love me anymore. Holy crap! She doesn't love me anymore? Let me ask her. Phew! She still does. Now what about that arrow? Let me look closer. Yup, just an arrow. Now let me close this tab."

    These are the things that passed through my mind when I tried to view your page from an average reader's perspective. Build trust, figure an USP and try a bit of emotional leverage. Right now it doesn't look so good.

    Best regards,
    George
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    The Persuasion Expert: Capture. Solve. Create. Persuade
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