Need Help with this Sales Letter

13 years ago

The first thing you tell me, in big bold type, is I'm missing a huge opportunity. What I expect next is for you to tell me what I'm missing. Instead, I get a sub heading that's virtually a non sequitur.

drop the sub head...

If You have a business you need clients. The Yellow Pages just doesn't cut it anymore. WHY? Because consumers no longer use the Yellow Pages. Instead they are using Google.

The result: Leads just waiting to be converted into sales.

Trim the verbosity out of your letter and get to the point quickly. Your testimonials are useless because you aren't using them to highlight a particular benefit of the product... They basically say "Kevin is a great guy".

Thanks
1 reply

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Paul Hooper-Kelly 13 years ago

Hi nofearman,

Header Graphic: There's too much information there that should come lower down in the sales letter (if at all). As it stands, it only serves to confuse at this stage of the sales sequence. And confused prospects don't buy.

Pre-headline: You need to identify your prospects and call out to them like this:

Hey! If you want to increase your sales and explode your bottom line ... then this is for YOU ...

Headline: Your headline should be in red (proven in tests to be the best color online) and loaded with curiosity. For example ...

Are You Making This FATAL Mistake
In Your Marketing?

Read on to discover how you could be leaving hundreds of dollars on the table - every single day - without even knowing it...

Who wouldn't want to read your letter then to discover if they are making that mistake and what they can do about it?

Warmest regards,

Paul
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- nofearman 13 years ago
  
  Thanks to you Both! Great feedback.
  
  Thanks
  
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Daniel Scott

13 years ago

Originally Posted by nofearman

It is a very rough draft. I essentially took a sales letetr I got here on Warrior and made changes.

A tip...

We don't turn rough drafts in to clients...

...so why should we give you our precious time, FOR FREE, if you can't even be bothered to put some effort into your own work?

A lot of us don't mind giving you a critique...

...but only after you've actually put some effort into what you're doing.

-Dan

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1 reply

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nofearman

13 years ago

All that obnoxious bloviating, and not a single contribution to the question. Amazing how some people have nothing better to do?? And, your comment makes NO sense. How about next time DON'T RESPOND!!

Originally Posted by Daniel Scott

A tip...

We don't turn rough drafts in to clients...

...so why should we give you our precious time, FOR FREE, if you can't even be bothered to put some effort into your own work?

A lot of us don't mind giving you a critique...

...but only after you've actually put some effort into what you're doing.

-Dan

Thanks
1 reply

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Ashley Gable

13 years ago

Originally Posted by nofearman

All that obnoxious bloviating, and not a single contribution to the question. Amazing how some people have nothing better to do?? And, your comment makes NO sense. How about next time DON'T RESPOND!!

It actually makes a lot of sense. There are some really good copywriters on here that give their time for nothing in return.

So when someone comes and asks for a critique on a sales page that is merely a swipe with a few changes, there isnt really any incentive to give any of our time, when you yourself havent put any time into it.

Maybe you just worded it wrong.

As for the copy, there really isnt any selling at all. For a $297 purchase you are going to need to tell a lot more. There is no reason for me to think "hey this guy can really help me".

You are using way too many kinds of fonts/sizes. It is very hard on the eyes. That may be because it is a rough draft.

Sorry but it is really hard critiquing a rough draft, especially one as brief as yours. There arent really any changes anyone can suggest because there isnt much there to change.

As Daniel said, if you go in and try and really create a sales letter as best you can, then you would get a lot better suggestions.

Good Luck!
Ashley

Thanks

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WickedWally

13 years ago

First impression.

WHY ARE YOU BURNING 2 HOURS OF YOUR LIFE ON EVERY CLIENT???

If you get 4 clients a day that's $36,000 a month but you'll be working like a stray dog running after a meal.

30 minutes is max. ... MAX.

Instead create an audio recording of what they should be doing to utilise your lead gen. method.

Let them download a sample.

Sell them a product.

In the copywriting world... what you're doing could be considered as "tail" ... doing more work AFTER the sale.

I believe you need to switch to a product... don't sell your time. Sell your expertise in product form.

Good luck.

[ 1 ] Thanks
1 reply

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nofearman

13 years ago

Excellent point. Thanks

Originally Posted by WickedWally

First impression.

WHY ARE YOU BURNING 2 HOURS OF YOUR LIFE ON EVERY CLIENT???

If you get 4 clients a day that's $36,000 a month but you'll be working like a stray dog running after a meal.

30 minutes is max. ... MAX.

Instead create an audio recording of what they should be doing to utilise your lead gen. method.

Let them download a sample.

Sell them a product.

In the copywriting world... what you're doing could be considered as "tail" ... doing more work AFTER the sale.

I believe you need to switch to a product... don't sell your time. Sell your expertise in product form.

Good luck.

Thanks

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MarkWidawer

13 years ago

There's a host of things that I think are wrong with this page. But before I'll start by saying to ignore everything I say. The important thing is to split test the page against your changes (suggested by me or anyone else here) to see what really works.

That said...

* That banner doesn't seem to fit, thematically or physically, on the page.
* As previously mentioned, the headline should be in red, with the subhead in black. My eyes dart to the red immediately.
* Add a pre-head that calls out the target audience, such as "Attention: Lawyers who want more clients..."
* Your sub-sub head is too big, too bold, and too hard to read.
* Your text is too wide. Makes my eyes tired to go back and forth so much.
* Your font sizes change. I'm guessing most of your prospects are 40+ and 50+, rather than 30-, and we've got BAD EYES. Don't make it hard for me to read.
* Why the "Dear Friend" so deep into the letter?
* Present a value-build before presenting the price.
* Your bullets aren't very compelling.
* If you're going to have a checkbox in your Johnson Box order form, put a check mark in it.

Overall, your page is poorly organized. Makes you look very much like an amateur, which I'm sure you're not. There are LOTS more issues with this page. Those are the easy and obvious ones.

You might try hiring a copywriter, or try getting even more ideas for what to change on your page on other sites.

In any case...I wish you the best of luck!

--Mark Widawer

Thanks
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--Mark Widawer
Want more sales page critiques, headline suggestions, and optimization ideas from hundreds of marketing experts?
www.OptimizersClub.com

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nofearman

13 years ago

Thanks much for the feedback.

Originally Posted by MarkWidawer

There's a host of things that I think are wrong with this page. But before I'll start by saying to ignore everything I say. The important thing is to split test the page against your changes (suggested by me or anyone else here) to see what really works.

That said...

* That banner doesn't seem to fit, thematically or physically, on the page.
* As previously mentioned, the headline should be in red, with the subhead in black. My eyes dart to the red immediately.
* Add a pre-head that calls out the target audience, such as "Attention: Lawyers who want more clients..."
* Your sub-sub head is too big, too bold, and too hard to read.
* Your text is too wide. Makes my eyes tired to go back and forth so much.
* Your font sizes change. I'm guessing most of your prospects are 40+ and 50+, rather than 30-, and we've got BAD EYES. Don't make it hard for me to read.
* Why the "Dear Friend" so deep into the letter?
* Present a value-build before presenting the price.
* Your bullets aren't very compelling.
* If you're going to have a checkbox in your Johnson Box order form, put a check mark in it.

Overall, your page is poorly organized. Makes you look very much like an amateur, which I'm sure you're not. There are LOTS more issues with this page. Those are the easy and obvious ones.

You might try hiring a copywriter, or try getting even more ideas for what to change on your page on other sites.

In any case...I wish you the best of luck!

--Mark Widawer

Thanks

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jasondinner

13 years ago

Why are you even calling it a salesletter? It's just a blog with some copy splattered all over it in random places.

Maybe I'm looking at the wrong page, but I too feel like I just wasted some precious time I could have spent much better.

- Jason

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nofearman

13 years ago

Yes, you're correct , you did not look at the sales page

Originally Posted by jasondinner

Why are you even calling it a salesletter? It's just a blog with some copy splattered all over it in random places.

Maybe I'm looking at the wrong page, but I too feel like I just wasted some precious time I could have spent much better.

- Jason

Thanks
1 reply

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jasondinner

13 years ago

Originally Posted by nofearman

Yes, you're correct , you did not look at the sales page

Ah...Gotcha. You could have at least gave us the direct link instead of expecting us to be able to find it.

In any event, it definitely needs some work.

Here are a few things you can do right away to improve the conversion:

1. Remove your header graphic. It's going to confuse your visitor. You want them to see and read your headline first before anything.

2. Make your font in your body section bigger than the 8 or 9pt font size you are using. It is too small and even made me squint my 20/20 vision having eyes. Make it match the size of the section you are using to explain Lead Generation. That looks like 11 or 12pt and is much easier to read.

3. You need to show them some elements of proof to plead your case that you are the "go-to guy" for Lead Gen. You have none on the page other than some testimonial, which I or your visitors will have no way of telling if it's real.

4. 1 testimonial isn't enough. And if 1 is all you have. Put it right before your order section or in your order section. However, that testimonial isn't good enough, in my opinion, to be placed in or near your order section. There are no results specified. He just says you are great. Who cares? SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

5. In your opening statement, target your visitor again and make them feel pain for doing Lead Gen the old way or for not doing it at all. You are just expecting people to know what you're talking about.

6. Re-write your headline. There is nothing in it that makes me want to read more. What is your promise? Can you get me X amount of leads in X amount of days? Or X percentage increase in leads over X amount of days?

7. Really study some other salesletters of top selling products and salesletter written by real copywriters. Yours really needs a complete re-write from top to bottom.

8. Don't give up and don't take this personal. Just giving you the same advice I would give my mother

9. You can write a killer letter. You can do much better than this.

10. I just felt like listing another number

- Jason

Thanks
1 reply

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nofearman

13 years ago

Thanks, a complete re-do in the works

Originally Posted by jasondinner

Ah...Gotcha. You could have at least gave us the direct link instead of expecting us to be able to find it.

In any event, it definitely needs some work.

Here are a few things you can do right away to improve the conversion:

1. Remove your header graphic. It's going to confuse your visitor. You want them to see and read your headline first before anything.

2. Make your font in your body section bigger than the 8 or 9pt font size you are using. It is too small and even made me squint my 20/20 vision having eyes. Make it match the size of the section you are using to explain Lead Generation. That looks like 11 or 12pt and is much easier to read.

3. You need to show them some elements of proof to plead your case that you are the "go-to guy" for Lead Gen. You have none on the page other than some testimonial, which I or your visitors will have no way of telling if it's real.

4. 1 testimonial isn't enough. And if 1 is all you have. Put it right before your order section or in your order section. However, that testimonial isn't good enough, in my opinion, to be placed in or near your order section. There are no results specified. He just says you are great. Who cares? SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

5. In your opening statement, target your visitor again and make them feel pain for doing Lead Gen the old way or for not doing it at all. You are just expecting people to know what you're talking about.

6. Re-write your headline. There is nothing in it that makes me want to read more. What is your promise? Can you get me X amount of leads in X amount of days? Or X percentage increase in leads over X amount of days?

7. Really study some other salesletters of top selling products and salesletter written by real copywriters. Yours really needs a complete re-write from top to bottom.

8. Don't give up and don't take this personal. Just giving you the same advice I would give my mother

9. You can write a killer letter. You can do much better than this.

10. I just felt like listing another number

- Jason

Thanks
1 reply

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Hugh Thyer 13 years ago

Wally makes a good point about 2 hours being too long. The more time you give a prospect does not automatically make it more valuable. Their time is money. I suspect 30 minutes would be better for them than 2 hours.

Also, I'd be inclined to get to the point where you charge for your time. For me, it's a big turn off that you're doing it for free. That sends me the message that it's not worth anything. If you can get credibility and positioning then you could and should charge for it. I've had better results since I've been charging for my review and never had anyone bat an eyelid at it.

But my main suggestion is this. Rewrite it and rewrite it yourself. Your sales message misses the mark. You need to put yourself in the shoes of your client. What's going on in their life? What's going on in their business?What problems are they trying to solve? What are their frustrations.

You came much closer in your blog. I liked that. You positioned yourself as the person who skips the hype. Who doesn't carry on with lots of sales pitches. That you don't make BS promises. You get inside the business, work out how to make the internet work for them and give them a strategy that works. It's simple, it's effective and it's quick. Unfortunately your sales message completely contradicts that.

Position yourself as the opposite to all the BS and hype. It isn't a generic solution. It's one that is designed for each business, and each business is different. It's not a 'one model fits all' approach. That's your point of difference.

Also, make sure your language is all about making money in their business, not just lead gen.

Remember...
They don't want an online lead gen system. They just want their business to make more money.
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aiza.bb

13 years ago

its hard for me to go to your website, i had a problem in loading maybe my browser had a problem.

First the font you use is not that friendly and its effect.
The article you have seems to be not interesting and not attracting.

Thanks

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Need Help with this Sales Letter

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