Sales Letter Critique - Too Wordy?

Hi there

Hmmmm Well here's my basic thoughts (after a fairly quick glance)

Most people on the internet have a short attention span - so by 'wordy' you do have a lot of great information on there that's all hidden away. Now, that's not to say that you should make everything bold. (Please don't make everything bold.) Rather, you need to utilize the very few headlines you're given.

That's because a majority of your traffic will skim through these headlines when making their decision. If you say something that really captures their attention, THEN they may read back on what you wrote. Or they may purchase from you immediately.

For example, you're losing valuable 'real estate' with the sub headline "So What Does This Involve Exactly?" Tell them something there! Don't just waste it with a question. Do you see what I mean?

Here's a few things to begin with.

Please remember that they are just my opinion and
how it affects me and that I cannot say how other
people would view it.

1. The subheads and content of the sections do not
match for me.
With the subhead "So What Does This Involve Exactly?"
I expected to see its content be a description of what
you were selling - it wasn't. I felt slightly thrown off
focus.
With the subhead "Instant Traffic, ... Nirvana?" I was
not expecting to find the beginning of the description
of what you were offering.
Three-quarters of the way down you had subhead
"Introducing: Sales Funnel Shockwave", but wouldn't
you introduce something towards the start.

2. As for the use of words they were ok for me. It's
been said by people who make a living as copywriters
that you should use simple language.

I am not a copywriter, but my opinion is use the words
that would attract your target audience. I would say
from your text that your audience would have to be
highly educated in general and not just with Internet
marketing.

3. Although you only asked about text I am going to
comment about 2 other things.

For me the graphics do not help. They are a mix - dark
and bright, drawn + photo. There was no uniformity with
them. It's definitely a personal thing that I like uniformity.

Apart from man with head in hand and graph I could not
tell what message the graphics were giving so they did
not add to the message.

Useful Tip: Picture of man is pointing wrong way. His
eyes are pointing to left which is indicating that we
should look left. picture needs reversing so that he is
looking at the text.

4. There was a big jolt for me when I saw the price.
There is a mismatch with how the salesletter is
presented and the price. Looking at the salesletter I
had an expectation of the price, but the actual price
you were charging is much lower. There was no
congruity for me.

Hey it is really long. It is interesting but not enough to keep you reading. The text is a bit small.

The lack of customer testimonials - does not add to the credibility of the offer.

I will be happy to review it in exchange for a copy. - This will he a no holes barred testimonial which will make your product look great if 10% of what you say is true.

Feel free to contact me on my email address below.

Brian

To what Muhammad said about price, that's what's so cool about it. The sales letter makes you think it's going to cost $2,000, then when you finally see the price, it shocks you with only $17. Any effective sales letter drums up the value, then charges a lot less than the perceived value.

Ya, a big vocabulary isn't that helpful. I'm afraid some of the words will be large stumbling blocks.

Just think... if the reader stops to sound out any of the words or even to congratulate you on using a big word... you've just provided a large speed bump. That's the opposite of the greased slide effect.

Michel Fortin goes in to some of the perils of long copy in this insightful blog post: http://www.michelfortin.com/how-to-w...wielding-copy/

Cheers,
Stephen Dean

I understand your point, Marcia, but I'd say that if someone wasn't even willing to read a sales page, they certainly would not go to the effort of implementing the system, even if it could make them rich. Anyway, I suppose I do need to add some more headlines in there, especially in the parts where there's a screen-full of text without one. However, I do think my headlines are quite exciting.

My two cents:

This sounds like a very interesting product. I might even get a copy...

I am by no means a great nor even good copywriter, however, I think that there is something to be said for using more accessible language in the sales letter. You have to ask yourself which you prefer: Money or a few high brow clients?

It is really cool that you add a lot of perceived value and then hit them with a real low price... But the problem is that 80% of people will not make it that far. To echo one of the above comments, you should never sacrifice space to insert graphics just for the sake of graphics.

Each graphic MUST add to your sales pitch in a clear and congruent way that does not distract the reader from the ultimate goal (a purchase). That is John Carlton talking by the way (I am listening to his course at the moment). Never use wrap around graphics, it really destroys the flow and forces the reader to adjust the way they read (not always bad but this type is very distracting).

Your headlines aren't bad, they could be punched up a bit, but they don't deliver a solid division of the copy into sections. The message gets lost and in a sales letter of this length that is a sales killer. Look at products sold by the big guys like Ryan Deiss or research projects done by John Carlton.

My sales page is modeled on his course if you want to take a look (see sig.). The copy itself needs some major improvements, but the flow is consistent and the language is easy enough for anyone to read, understand and most importantly act upon. I know this because my Romanian girlfriend understood everything except for a few slang terms and colloquial phrases.

Sounds like a great product at any rate. If you can really deliver on all of those promises, it might be in your best interest to hire a fair priced copywriter that works mainly on commission. Then raise your price and stick to the part you do best... teaching!

You obviously have a great command of the English language. Sometimes this is a hindrance to great copy writing (Damn, there's that Carlton again!). I have the same problem. Just keep at it and take all of our comments for what they are worth... opinions. Apply what you can and research what other people are doing.

Model success and go for it!

Here's to your success,

K.

Thanks, Kenrick. I'm thinking of having a sum-up of it all near the top with an order link for those too lazy to read it all. I don't think using overly-impressive language would limit sales of the product to "high-brow clients" - though it would certainly scare away people who don't want anything to do with things of a more intellectual nature. But I mean, anyone who wants to be an Internet marketer knows that you need to use words to do it, and should be willing to at least read through a sales page and ebook to learn a system.

As a copywriter with immense experience, I would like to contribute my My 2 cents;

1. Good use of images I must say! They look real and connect with someone. Well distributed too. Images do matter a lot in a sales letter. You get a thumbs up for that.

2. I think you need to have a few more calls to action in your sales letter. Theres only one at the bottom. Not enough as per my experience. You dont want to appear as if you're over selling, but at the same time not everyone reads your letter to the bottom. Someone might want to purchase this when they are halfway through your copy. Have at least 3 "buy now" buttons with different graphics.

3. Header banner not good enough. Have something more appealing and colorful.

Otherwise, your letter and product get a 6/10 in my book!

Goodluck!

I'm glad you like the images. I think they compliment it well. I'm planning on having a new header graphic eventually, and possibly redoing everything multiple times and split-testing things as well. Thanks for the call to action tip. I should go back to sales letters I've seen that do it and apply the idea.

That explains some of your replies on this thread - your ego is getting in the way.

The way you dismissed Marcia's advice is one example. Did you know she's been writing direct response copy for over 20 years and is highly respected in the industry?

I agree with IM Viper, but I'm not going to waste my time offering suggestions.

Alex

Yeah I agree with the real copywriters on this one (notice the advice coming from Marcia, Stephen and Rick...and all copywriters who make a living at this)

This is my personal opinion

The Big Rocks in your sales letter are:

1. You are unclear what you offer is

2 .And it's too wordy. Too wordy means can also mean I'm not motivated to read it and not completely about how many words you've been using.

A few other things:

Your Subheads aren't grabbing me. This is huge because if I'm disinterested to a small degree and you have great subheads, that typically will draw me back in to the copy.

Next, I would change those pictures to relate more to what the prospects are interested in seeing. Proof elements mostly or relate to things they imagine.
Increase the size of that paypal image....it's smaller then everything else on the page.

Also the pictures are in very odd places and interferes witht the downward flow of my reading.

And yes there are too many big words in your sales page.

It would be nice to be able to look at your sales copy and recognize clearly defined areas...

Opening
Story
Your Promise
Major benefits
Your Proof
Your Offer
Your Close

Etc.

Also..."*" in a headline? No.


I like what Kevin Rogers posted on his blog recently and he was quoting John Carlton on this one and he's bang on...

1. Here’s who I am
2. Here’s what I’ve got for you
3. Here’s why it’s important to your life right now
4. Here’s what I want you to do next

Maybe go over your copy and then clarify these points.

I added a sum-up near the top, and links throughout the copy that skip to the order link. I don't understand why the headlines on the site aren't grabbing people here. I think most of them are exciting and well-crafted. The "what does this involve" headline subtly leads into what the system is about, and gets people to think about how most *other* systems involve lots of useless labor. It doesn't explain the whole system right there. It leads into the rest, which is gradually explained during the course of the entire letter. All of the images are relevant to what is being said. They serve as an aid for imagination, not a "this is what it is, so you don't have to read, just look at the images" type of thing. Anyway, too many sales pages I have seen don't explain their system at all, but they have no problem selling like crazy. Literally, some of them are just a bunch of income screenshots and hype.