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Help ... Is my home page copy too long?

by Steve_
6 replies
Hi all,

I run my own private practice as an NLP Practitioner focusing mainly on helping people quit smoking for good in one 60 minute session.

I just wanted some advice on whether my home page copy is too long or not? Tried to include the main elements of problem/pains, benefits of solving problem, solution, USP, proof, qualifications, call for action.

Concerned it may have ended up too long though. Would appreciate your thoughts.

quitsmokingin60mins.com.au

Thank you!

Regards,

Steve
#copy #home #long #page
  • Profile picture of the author John_S
    There is no such thing as too long -- just too boring.

    First, it looks like you put in twenty headlines. Pick one. You can have a lead-in and subhead -- that is it.

    It doesn't look convincing when you can't figure out what headline to use, it looks downright desperate.

    I won't comment on the NLP-ness of the copy. What I will say is get the product out there, get testimonials, have customers tell your story.

    Customers are neurally wired to sniff out linguistic ****. Stop with the yack yack, get to the proof.
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi

      A couple of suggestions:

      1. I don't know if you plan to leave this page on the blog, but it really should have its own page, with only one possible action for the reader. As it is now, you have all the articles, social media links, etc. and it is too distracting.

      2. You should let the reader know who you are and why they should listen to you at or near the top of the letter...either in print or as a video.

      Hope this helps

      Virginia
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      Virginia Drew


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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by John_S View Post

      There is no such thing as too long -- just too boring.

      First, it looks like you put in twenty headlines. Pick one. You can have a lead-in and subhead -- that is it.

      It doesn't look convincing when you can't figure out what headline to use, it looks downright desperate.

      I won't comment on the NLP-ness of the copy. What I will say is get the product out there, get testimonials, have customers tell your story.

      Customers are neurally wired to sniff out linguistic ****. Stop with the yack yack, get to the proof.
      Let me rephrase what John advocates in a slightly different way.

      When you have a headline, you're "yelling" at people--trying to draw attention. Drawing too much attention with too many different benefits at the same time, diffuses. It actually makes your piece less compelling.

      Also:

      When you have sentences and paragraphs and such, even bullets, you're much closer having a conversation.

      On your page, you're yelling a people right now--a lot. What you can do is "embed" those benefits into sentences and paragraphs.

      - Rick Duris

      PS: I used to work with a top copywriter I learned a tremendous amount from. You'd know his name if I shared it. His goal was to have a benefit or promise or piece of proof in almost every sentence. He'd even make the offer a promise.

      If you analyze Eugene's Schwartz's work, you'll notice a similar strategy. There sometimes as many as 25 different promises in a single piece. But he rarely yells.
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      • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
        Steve,

        You need to introduce your proof elements much earlier.

        You're dealing with a constantly harassed market - these people are assaulted by fundraiser TV commercials, friends, private advertisements, and non-smoker zealots. They have seen the patch, the cold-turkey method, the law of replacement, etc.

        They know. People who are looking for a way to quit smoking have already tried other ways to quit smoking. You're not the first stop - you're about the third or fourth in line.

        Your headline says nothing. Just read your testimonials.

        What are they all saying?

        "I finally have control of my life."

        How about...

        "If You'll Give Me Just 60 Minutes Of Your Time, I'll Eliminate Your Craving For Cigarettes, And Put You Back In The Driver's Seat of Your Life"

        That's not a fantastic headline, but it conveys a lot more than what you're currently telling your market.

        Also, like John said... You have 3 components the headline/top real estate:

        1. Lead in
        2. Headline
        3. Deck copy.

        For the lead in, I like to use some sort of credibility statement (actually an idea I swiped from Clayton Makepeace):

        "Former 2 pack a day smoker and hypnosis expert Steve says..."

        That's a lead in.

        Your deck copy would be something like...

        "This is the proven method that took a 23 year, 3 pack a day smoker from nearly coughing to death... to running 2 miles a day without even stopping for breath.

        Just read what below to see how these folks are saying about Steve's Amazing Hypnosis Quit Smoking Method: <testimonials>"

        My formula is:

        Credibility/Attention-Interest

        Big Promise/Attention

        Touch upon a universal market desire/hold attention... move to opener

        Anyway, I know you just asked if the copy was too long. I said all of the above to convey one thing. John already said it, too: copy can never be too long, only too boring.

        You could write a 300 page letter that keeps your reader's interest and makes sales.

        Or you could write a single page letter that bores them to death and gets nothing.

        Something to mull over.

        Regards,

        Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author docsulo
    Steve,

    I was a 3-pack plus a day smoker until January of this year.

    The issues with your sales letter from my initial glance are as follows:

    1. You seem to have 10+ headlines in red. That's very distracting.
    2. I see a lot of government and private marketing aimed at trying to convince smokers that smoking is bad (ie - your breath smells, medical problems, etc.) - NO F*CKING KIDDING. This is the dumbest appeal to a smoker as you can get - if someone wants to quit then THEY ALREADY know this and DON'T LIKE BEING CONTINUOUSLY REMINDED.

    Here's what they do want to know:

    1. Can you help them to stop smoking without them losing their mind?
    2. Can you help them do it without putting on 30 lbs of weight?
    3. Can you do it so they won't be thinking about cigarettes every waking minute they aren't smoking?
    4. Will they be so miserable that they won't be able to function at their job?

    That's a few of the things.

    Then you need to PROMISE what you can do and PROVE that you can do it.

    I can tell you that it has NOTHING to do with worrying that they are hurting their health when they are smoking - THEY KNEW THAT AND SMOKED ANYWAY.
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    This is my opinion but change the format.

    The color... it's burning my eyes.

    Too much red everywhere.


    Maybe take the left side notes (what to know about hypnosis, etc) and palce them somewhere on the top.

    The page looks way to busy and feels like too much work to go through.
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