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My First Sales Copy -help needed!-

by Starwind
8 replies
Hey guys! I just finished writing my first sales copy. It is a program revolving around reducing gut/stomach fat. I was never a great sales writer so this was all new to me. I put it up on my weebly site to start. What do you think? I can really use some help!

losegutfat.weebly.com

I tried following a lot of the advice I read on here and around the web. I know its far from perfect

Thanks!

Devin
#copy #needed #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Starwind
    Also, where I put the "name and email" info is where I will place the buy now buttons and such. For now I was just using them as placeholders, and to notify anyone when its live.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Hi Devin,

      You're dealing with a highly sophisticated market, for starters (the weight-loss/reduction field).

      By sophistication I mean that these consumers have been beaten to death with promotions for weight loss.

      From what I can tell of the headline, you're using a spin of, "Do You Make These Mistakes In English?"

      The better form would've been, "Are You Making These Mistakes When It Comes To Losing Weight?"

      I don't have time to go really into this, but I have two pieces of advice:

      1) Study other adds in the weight-loss field to see what they're doing. This way, you'll get a better insight into the market itself

      2) Emphasize more the process of how they will lose weight...

      "Burn Disease Out Of Your Body Using Nothing More Than The Palm Of Your Hand"

      The Sugar-Solution Cookbook, a product Clayton Makepeace worked on, emphasized process, too. The product described how you would lose weight by eating the delicious foods, but with less sugar (or something).

      You get the point.

      In the end, I would advise getting Breakthrough Advertising by Eugene Schwartz. But checking out other people in your field is a damn good start, too.

      Sorry I can't be of more help right now.

      Regards,

      Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author Starwind
    Angel thanks so much for checking it out, I really appreciate it!

    I think I see what you mean about the headline, I need to work on that. I will try to come up with a better one.

    As for the process I see exactly what you mean. I need to give some information out for them to grab at it. I need to figure out where I can put that in.

    Again, I really am greatful, thanks!

    P.S.- I tried to focus on "gut fat" because there is a big niche there I can focus on rather then the weight loss as a whole.
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    • Profile picture of the author Starwind
      Does anyone know of a good template for sales copys?

      Thanks!
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      • Profile picture of the author justen_mllr
        There is quite a bit to writing a sales copy and as they say it is the most vital part of marketing. No copy means no sales.

        I could write a long answer to help you out but here is my recommendation.

        Go to Free Online Copywriting Pro CD,Online Copywriting

        There is a lot of good stuff on that cd to get you started.

        PM me with any questions.
        Signature
        I'm feeling nice today, so send me a PM with any internet marketing question you got and I'll Help You Out!!!
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        • Profile picture of the author geegel
          There's a big problem with your page: It lacks credibility.

          Here is some advice that will (at least partially) alleviate this problem:

          1) Get a real domain.
          2) Get a professional web designer
          3) Be specific rather than vague. Try to induce an "So that's what I was doing wrong" moment
          4) Get reader empathy. The easiest way to achieve this is through a mix of Barnum statements and specific generalizations. To understand these concepts it's important to realize that people feel unique and that personality and general trivia are very likely to be accepted as being written especially for them. Example of a Barnum statement: "You have a tendency to be critical of yourself". Example of a specific generalization: "At some point in life you lost someone very important to you". Keep in mind your audience and be creative.

          Hope this helps.

          Best regards,
          George
          Signature
          The Persuasion Expert: Capture. Solve. Create. Persuade
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  • Profile picture of the author jtunkelo
    A couple of first impressions:

    - The headline is much too vague - you really have to hit a specific problem and the emotion linked to it. With weight issues it shouldn't be too hard.

    - The subheading then promises TOO much. Try proving in court your product helps people shed ALL fat. Marketing in the weight loss niche, you really need to know what you can and cannot promise.

    - Your two word subheadings down the page really do nothing, whereas they could do a lot to further the story and sell. Missed opportunity.

    - You have the entire body copy in bold, why? You'll turn off any chance of conversion with that alone.

    - You have no bullets at all, and no testimonials. No before&after either, which is the bread-n-butter of weight loss products.

    There's so much off you really need to start from scratch, honestly.

    You asked about copy templates; while the real answer is knowing how to sell on your own, there are two products that I can recommend:

    1. Yanik Silver's Instant Sales Letters:
    Instant Sales Letters: Create Business Letters Guaranteed to Sell...Without Writing

    2. David Garfinkel's Copywriting Templates (likely off the market)

    For a good example of weight loss copy, study this piece (needs optin):
    CorrectMind for Weight Loss: Use Your Mind to Get Slim!
    Signature

    Need a quick, effective copy critique to boost your conversion? 24-hr turnaround:
    http://juhotunkelo.com/copy-critique/

    Want world class copy to sell your world class product? Get a free evaluation today:
    http://www.emergingonlinetrends.com/...-juho-tunkelo/

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  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Hey Devin,

    Just read The Total Package today and found this article by Carline Cole.

    Since you're in the health market, I figure this could be of some value to you: A 4-Letter Word that Gets You Out of Legal “Hot Water” | The Total Package

    Best,

    Angel
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