10 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}
10 {{ upvoteCount | shortNum }}

Please help me with my new copy

by Starwind
8 replies
Hey guys!

First off, thank you to everyone who has been helping me so far, I truly appreciate it. I updated and completely redid my new sales copy. It deals with preventing type 2 diabetes.

Here is the website: www.preventtype2diabetes.com

I could really use some feeback on the form, wording, and everything in between. This is only my secound time doing it and I tried incorporating everything I have learned so far.

Couple of notes: I only copy and pasted the letter from word to weebly, just to show you guys. I am using an actual sales letter template for the site when it goes live, but I did not yet want to type it into the template if I wasnt sure if it were good enough.

Also, I know there are some spelling mistakes I printed it out and am combing through it right now.

Thank you so much!!!!

Devin

[UPDATE]

Hey guys! I tried my best to listen to every comment and put it into practice. I am feeling really good with the new copy. I am getting a hold of this little by little. Please, if you have time, give the website a check.

I completely changed the copy and I feel this is much much better. I still left it in a weebly template just to show you guys, but I do have a sales template I am using when it goes live. I am also going over grammer and such again.

Thanks!

Please let me know your feedback!
#copy
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Devin,

    You are competing against this A-Level copywriters work...

    The 30 Day Diabetes Cure

    What makes your knowlege on the subject so special
    to a sufferer?

    All the best,
    Ewen
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2948427].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Starwind
      Nice! I really picked a winner didn't I? Ha. Thank you for sharing that link.

      I was skimming through it, and at first I thought "OK, so this guy actually does get it, and it seems legit, (meaning the program is just like mine), he just owns me in marketing".

      Until I finished reading it. That was a terrible assumption, in short, this guy is FULL of BS. Take these little "pointers" he put out:

      --------------------------------------------------------------
      Bread? Think you have to give it up? No way! This delicious bread (see Day 12) actually improves insulin sensitivity by 10%.
      Butter? Everybody's bad-mouthing it. But clinical studies show it's actually good for people with diabetes! Discover the surprising reason why on Day 6.
      Pasta off-limits? Not when you know this cooking secret! Cooked this way (simple directions on Day 14) only half of its starch is turned into glucose. Now pasta can be diabetes-friendly, indeed!
      Low-carb or low-fat diet? Neither, if you have diabetes. New research shows that diabetics who eat a diet rich in these good fats have healthier glucose levels than people on a low-fat diet. Day 11
      --------------------------------------------------------------------
      For Diabetics bread=death. It does not matter what BS name they give the bread or how much people like it. ANYONE who has ever touched the biochemistry of bread would know better.... A LOT better. He says it improves insulin "sensitivity".... very, very decietfull. It will surely increase the insulin response... but because of the poly-saccaraides the bread is made of it needs to break down into single sugars (every carb needs to be broken down as such before entering the blood stream). After the sugars enter the bloodstream more insulin is needed to counter-act the rising sugar levels... this is EXACTLLY the problem to begin with.

      Interestingly... but not surprisingly... he and everyone who provied a testimonial is fat (in the gut). What does this mean? It is the tall tell sign of silent inflammation. Their fatty acids are imbalanced which in turn leads to a host of diseases including type 2 diabetes. Anyone who knows better could have seen right through that BS. Fancy page though!

      All I am looking to do is convert people who see my copy. I don't care about completely dominating the field and becoming number 1, just making it so if someone reads my page they have a good chance of buying. I really hope to be able to do that.

      Thanks so much for that link though!
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2948845].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author virginiad
        Hi, Devin

        It does look like you know your stuff.

        You are fighting an uphill battle, because it is very tough to sell people on preventing disease. It is much easier to sell a cure than a prevention.

        It would be easier if you targeted your pitch to people who have already been diagnosed with IFG or have been told that they have pre-diabetes. For such people the dangers seem more real, and this motivates them to want to do something about it.

        It is kind of like selling retirement planning to 20-somethings. They could put $2,000 a year aside for 10 years or so (I forget the exact length of time) and have over a million dollars when they are 65. But when you are 25, 65 seems so far removed that very few could be convinced to do that.

        You spend a lot of time telling people that they have to work hard and give up the foods that they love. People may need to hear that, but it doesn't sell books.

        At one point you talk about reversing disease, not preventing it. That will confuse people and turn them off.

        One more thing...you might want to introduce yourself and your credentials earlier. People will not listen to you until they understand that you are someone worth listening to. You start by telling them how fit you are and how you compete at a high level in all types of sport. You should start by telling them something they can relate to...maybe you were overweight as a child, I don't know, but it is hard for someone whose idea of exercise is walking to the car and is 30 lbs overweight to relate to someone like yourself. There should be some level of empathy

        Hope this helps.

        Virginia
        Signature

        Virginia Drew


        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2948915].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Devin,

        You have put up a hurdle...you are targeting the wrong people.

        Question: who is more likely to buy...

        #1 The person who doesn't know he/she has Diabetes

        #2 The person who knows he/she has Diabetes
        and is looking for an alternative to drugs?

        It looks to me you are targeting group one.

        Go to Amazon and look at the titles of the books on the subject.
        See what the common word is in the titles.

        I know.

        This is the research you have to do to find out
        what's already working in the market.

        Come back and we'll see if you have got it...O.K.

        All the best,
        Ewen
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2948940].message }}
        • Profile picture of the author Starwind
          Wow! Thanks a bunch guys! This really helped me out. I got to go back to the drawing board.

          So, as for target... those with pre-diabetes looking for alternative to drugs. Does that seem too niche?

          Heres the problem with doctors. They are medicine men. They are trained in the science and use of medications (primarily)... NOT nutrition. Nutrition is the sole reason why someone gets type 2 diabetes. Even though it seems twisted to mainstream, nutritionist ARE the experts when it comes to diabetes.. they are the only one to understand why/how it happens and how to reverse it. Docotors know what medication to give you to slow the symptoms.. does not prevent/reverse the disease.

          But how the hell do I sell that, as well as a product in a sales copy?

          By the way- I have A LOT more respect for all of you. Never knew copywrighting was so tough. Thanks for the imputs!
          {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2949871].message }}
          • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
            Originally Posted by Starwind View Post

            Wow! Thanks a bunch guys! This really helped me out. I got to go back to the drawing board.

            So, as for target... those with pre-diabetes looking for alternative to drugs. Does that seem too niche?
            Devin,

            It will be easy for me and others to tell you who to target.

            Problem is you don't learn the process by digging in to find out yourself.

            Obviously you know about the subject, you just lack
            the knowledge of matching that to the right audience.

            My suggestion is to go to Amazon and search for the books
            on the subject.

            You are tapping in the research of very successful publishers.

            In another words they have connected experts on the subject,
            like yourself, with a hungry market.

            Don't go in with your nutrition experts hat on,
            go in with a markerters hat on.

            See what are common words used in cover headlines,
            chapter headlines.

            Next see what is the common theme which stands out to you.

            Don't write another word untill you come back here to see if
            your message needs fine tuning.



            [/QUOTE]
            By the way- I have A LOT more respect for all of you. Never knew copywrighting was so tough. Thanks for the imputs![/QUOTE]

            More work should go into the front end effort first,
            before a single word is written.

            That's what outsiders miss.

            All the best,
            Ewen
            {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2950037].message }}
            • Profile picture of the author Collette
              As Virginia already pointed out, you are trying to sell prevention. With a few exceptions, prevention is an uphill sell. Unfortunately for you, one of these exceptions is NOT health.

              Additionally, you will lose 99.99% of your readers with lines like the following:

              "This may mean putting your favorite foods down, not "partying" as much, getting more sleep, exercising, buying natural supplements, and following a strict diet guide. If you feel this is too much to do and you would rather "take your chances" then good luck, you're going to lose."

              You want people to be excited about what they're reading, and about what they're going to discover. Instead, these sentences (and several more like them) are real buzz killers.

              No one likes being lectured or preached to. Educate your readers. Give them hope. Give them something to believe in. And give them a reason to believe in you and what you offer.

              Selling hardship, a strict diet, deprivation, self-flagellation, and little chance of success are going to motivate only a very, very special few. If you want to get your message out to the masses, you're going to have to offer help, hope, and feeling good. Because...

              That's just human nature.

              As a marketer, you want to work WITH human nature. Not against it.

              I'd really suggest you set aside your personal feelings for a moment, and go back and reread the 30 Day letter. Notice that the targets are people who already know they have diabetes (and are treating it with medications), or people who have high blood sugar (and want to lower their blood sugar levels). These are not 'prevention' prospects. They are 'cure' prospects. Much more motivated to take action.

              In particular, look at how the letter is structured to educate the reader by first giving them information. Then the letter supports the information given (with testimonials and clinical study results), providing 'proof' that the author (in addition to his obviously presented credentials) is a credible source of information.

              Only then does the letter go in for the sell, providing a picture of how wonderful the reader's life will be when they get and use the product.

              No lecturing, no finger-wagging, no disapproval for past transgressions. The emphasis is on 'healing' and 'reversing'.

              The letter even, at one point, states, "...it's not your fault". And, whatever your personal feelings about that statement, people very much want to be assured that their failures and their failings are not their fault.

              So... if you want to convert people who read your copy, back up a bit, and put yourself in your prospect's place.

              Try to imagine how he's thinking and feeling. Try to empathize with how overwhelmed he is with the task before him.

              And - most of all - try to figure out how you can make it as easy as possible for this prospect to succeed.
              {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2950750].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author J. Barry Mandel
    Hi,

    A few things to comment on after skimming your copy:

    1. You do not make a good case for having someone try your system
    2. Your copy is not hard hitting, if someone has Type 2 diabetes they know it and don't have to be told what the symptoms are
    3. IMO building your credibility up as an expert on this subject does you little good because you are a personal trainer, not a medical provider
    4. What testimonials/evidence do you have for helping people "reverse" their actual MD/GP diagnosed condition?
    5. Your headline is severely lacking

    Best of Luck,

    Justin

    P.S. If you REALLY have something substantial to offer people do yourself a favor and hire a pro to write this for you unless you want to loose out on plenty of sales
    Signature
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[2948885].message }}

Trending Topics