Please Critique this copy

4 replies
I could really use a few pointers here bustingbeliefs dot com - its been online for a few weeks now but I feel like the copy doesn't sizzle... So I'm asking the pro's for some feedback.

Your comments and suggestions are appreciated.

Alex Jay
#copy #critique
  • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
    Hi Alex,

    It ain't going to work my friend.

    To sell things to people, you have to work with their
    existing beliefs...no matter how whacked out they may be.

    What you are doing is telling the reader they are wrong.

    That puts their back up and defences up.

    A recipe for a hostile environment.

    But that's O.K., because it's a common mistake,
    and we all make mistakes.

    Can you think of a problem a group of people
    are having which your knowlege can help?

    When you do, this works with their belief,
    that "yes I do have a problem and I want it fixed,
    but I don't know how."

    See how this changes things, you become their saint,
    not the pest.

    All the best,
    Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author Jim Stone
    Your headline:

    Discover HOW and WHY
    negative beliefs sabotage
    your relationships, jobs and success.
    And how to easily eliminate self-defeating patterns in your life.
    That doesn't pop for me.

    Try something like this:



    "If You Really Want An Abundant Life, . . . WHY DO YOU KEEP SABOTAGING YOURSELF?"

    You have an idea of where you want to be. You have goals, and visions of a better life. But no matter what you try, you seem to get only small, temporary improvements, followed by bigger setbacks.

    You feel STUCK!

    You often act positive, and hope for the best, but things are NOT going well, and they haven't been for a long time.

    Have you ever considered the possibility that your problem is connected to your constant stream of NEGATIVE THOUGHTS?

    And so on . . .

    Something like that might be a better way to frame the offer. It's a beginning anyway.

    Jim
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      You have to tell them who you are and why they should listen to you.

      Develop some rapport with your reader...ie. I was in this position myself and this is how I changed my life.

      If they see you as someone to whom they can relate, and you can show them the way out, they are more likely to buy from you.

      Also, you have to inspire them to order right away. You offer unlimited support...you might want to say that this support is only available to the next 100 people, so they have more incentive to act quickly.

      You might also have an exit pop which offers some free info in return for their email, since most of the visitors do not buy. You can start an email conversation with them and have a chance of selling to them in the future.

      Hope this helps

      Virginia
      Signature

      Virginia Drew


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      • Profile picture of the author Ryan Johnson
        I don't know anything about copywriting, but just opening the page and reading the title is somewhat confusing

        Discover HOW and WHY
        negative beliefs sabotage
        your relationships, jobs and success

        It's kind of a mouthful, and the way it's broken up doesn't flow well.

        What I start to think about is discovering something, wait, now there's a sabotage (that word does nothing for me), now it's talking about my life. Not sure what to expect, see ya, time to watch some youtube videos again.
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