Marketing to Women Headline Critique

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Removing post, thank you for all of your help...
#copywriting #copywriting #critique #headline #marketing #marketing to women #women
  • I wouldn't say abstract, my word would be vague.

    Where, pray tell does the reader learn you specialize in targeting women with your services? What if you talked about the trillions in purchases controlled or influenced by women instead of "the economy"?

    When is a company committing one or more of the 7 sins of marketing to women?

    The word abstraction holds out some promise that the erudite reader would infer the true benefit. Let me disabuse you of that notion.
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    • Hi John,

      Thanks so much for your helpful feedback. Would you be talking about the trillions in itemized purchases (computer technology, automobiles, real estate, etc.) specifically or simply purchases? Thanks for your help
  • Hi Tierra,

    First, I recommend that you read Sean D'Souza's article about headlines: Are Your Headlines Missing These Precise Psychological Triggers? He talks about the 3 psychological triggers a headline should have.

    Try to ask a question in your headline, arouse curiosity, use the words "how to." You'll need to test headlines to find out what is most effective.

    I'd ditch the "cut-throat" phrase. Rather than hyperbole like that focus on making the prospect curious and dying to found out more.

    Good luck.
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    • Thanks Anita, that resource is great, it's amazing what you can learn from articles. I really appreciate it!
  • Hi Tierra

    Yeah they are right. A lot of your headlines are a bit awkward to read and don't flow very smoothly. I recommend you look at some of the other great Headline writers out there and use them as examples.

    I could help you with some of these headlines but that doesn't really solve the problem. What you'll find is that a lot of the great headlines have been swiped and swiped again, so what I suggest you do is write down 50 headlines each ... and then narrow it down to 5 and then settle on 1.

    And don't forget to split-test with google's website optimizer
  • Hi Tierra,

    I think "profit ramping" is an awkward phrase. How about "profit building". Also consider "share" instead of "stake".

    Best wishes,

    Dan Safkow
  • Thanks Nick and Dan I really appreciate your help!
  • Hi Tierra -
    I agree with what a few said about the flow of the copy; I had to go back and re-read some of what you wrote because it just wasn't clicking with me.

    Second, I remember reading some advice from Frank Kern (I'm pretty sure that's who said this) who said (or who heard it from someone else):

    "Write as though you're speaking to Homer Simpson."

    Hope that helps.
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    • I love it, it definitely adds some focus! I appreciate it!
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  • Removing Post thank you for your help!
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    • "Cut-Throat Woman Marketer, Copywriter & Consumer Leaks Profit Ramping Secrets on How to Multiply Your Stake in the Most Powerful Economy in the World"

      UGHH!

      You sound like a thug. very unpleasant imagery. Also the use of
      leaks brings to mind diarhea leaking from a diaper.

      Thoroughly distasteful.
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  • Anarchy, thanks so much for the constructive criticism, I really appreciate and will take your comments into consideration. Loren, FYI I am a thug...you don't know me! JK, though you could have approached me a little less rude, I appreciate and understand the criticism!
  • Well, yeah it's the first thing that leapt to mind. The headline
    already established an unpleasant frame implying bodily fluids
    so I guess that's where it came from. I suppose leaking
    menstrual fluid could apply too - after all, you've already
    got me visualizing women and blood.

    You just go ahead with all this gangsta marketing and
    let us all know if it gets you where you want to go. Ok?
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    • It works for some, it doesn't work for others. She's here to get a critique and improve herself. Everyone else seems to have done a decent job of posting a good critique without resorting to capitalized onomatopoeia and descriptions of soggy, leaky diapers.

      Man, and people said the critiques at the copywritersboard were nasty? Yikes.
  • Tierra,I'll suggest that you go to Clayton Makepeace site and download the free report "The Screaming Eagle".Also get a copy of Micheal Kimble's ebook "Magnetic Salesletters".They are both very good ebooks.
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    • Omar, I'm not a bad guy and I don't want to battle
      with you or have any of the kind of underhanded
      elbows-out one-upsmanship we saw on Michel
      Fortin's board here... and I'm concerned that we
      will see a rehash of the same sort of clever,
      subtle put-downs we saw there.

      I try to help people. I'm not mean. The headline
      startled me with the vulgarity of the visual.

      It seems I've stuck my foot in my mouth - opened
      myself up to being labeled myself - as somebody
      who creates a problem where there isn't one.
      I've seen that happen a lot on forums. It's a cost
      of being outspoken sometimes that others will leap
      to conclusions about your personality or motives.

      I used to be a vulgar person myself. Then I grew up and
      started to see how not to go around turning people off

      The headline is a turnoff to me and would be to a lot
      of other people as well.
      • [1] reply
  • @Anarchy

    I know that your copy is aimed toward male prospects, but I hope you don't think women in general are incapable of making sound purchase decisions based on logic.
  • Another thing I just figured out:

    "Cut-throat" is a THEM word. Use it to describe a common
    enemy, not yourself. ie "those cut-throat wall-street big shots
    raided your 401K to line their own fat wallets."

    That's my view. I also disagree with copywriters calling themselves
    "killer" though I think it's okay (if cliched) to call the writing "killer".
    I think anything that implies you will maim or hurt your clients is
    not such a good strategy.

    Let's look at Sarah Palin: somebody positioned herself as a
    "pitbull with lipstick", which got a lot of people rooting for her.
    She could have called herself a "rifle-packin' momma" or something
    but that's too close to the truth about her hobby of killing things.
    The pitbull with lipstick thing is a juxtaposition - it's a funny image
    that disarms the reality - Pitbulls can be very dangerous dogs. That was
    marketing mastery at work because it made people create a
    cartoon-like association - a positive image of Palin as tough and
    protective and yet nurturing and female.
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    • Tierra - Your OP and your headline suggest that you haven't clarified your target market.

      Your OP says "I specialize in Marketing and Copywriting Services targeted toward women. My targets are business owners and emerging growth entrepreneurs."

      Those sentences suggest that you are targeting your services towards women-owned businesses (not a bad market to tap, BTW).

      However, your headline suggests that you are targeting businesses that want to market to, or are already marketing to, women.

      Either way, you are looking at a very specific niche market. So you first need to define precisely what that niche IS. And your OP and your headline suggest that the distinction is somewhat fuzzy at the moment.

      When you've clarified precisely WHO you're speaking to, you can begin to address THEIR need - something else you haven't identified in your headline.

      For example, does your prospect even know they HAVE a need? Are they already marketing successfully to women (and want to increase their success)?

      Or have they never even realized they're missing out on a $5 trillion market (and you're about to enlighten them)?

      Or have they been trying to market to women and are failing miserably (and you're going to solve that problem for them)?

      Depending on the answer, the headlines would be very different.

      As for the wording, start simply. Just state clearly who the prospect is and what the benefit you're offering is.

      Use simple, unemotional words to get the essence of the offer on paper. Every time you think you're done, read it again and ask "So what? Why should I care?". Put yourself in the mind of your target prospect and look at your headline through his eyes. Give him a reason to care.

      Now edit your copy. Ruthlessly. How many words can you cut out, without losing the clarity? Cut, cut, and cut again.

      When your headline is as lean as it can get, polish and shine the headline by adding the words you need to hit the emotional hot buttons.

      BTW: generically, your second headline is much better than your first.
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  • Statistically I think I recall reading in "Think Pink" that
    riding lawnmowers purchases are female-driven the
    majority of the time.
  • Sitting here reading all of these critiques, I'm wondering why no one has mentioned the Tupperware. I don't know.....maybe it is just me and my lack of cooking, my age, something like that. But the Tupperware and pantyhose line seems to speak about a quaint generation of women, like from the 1950's or something. Why not fast-forward that sentence into current trends more with Manolos (did I spell that shoe right?) or Prada or something like that. The Tupperware and pantyhose are also very low-end, inexpensive purchases. Maybe make one of the items an expensive purchase and the other be the panythose? Am I overthinking this?

    I feel the comment about Tupperware and pantyhose somehow makes it seem like that's all women buy. Or am I missing something? Are you trying to stay that that's NOT all women buy today?

    I agree with what Anarchy says about your copy. But I thought I'd make the suggestions about Tupperware........... lol
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