Please critque my new copy (updated, again! :P )

13 years ago

In sales copy it is usually best to get your benefits stated upfront. You promise some good benefits in the red heading (normalize blood sugar and reverse diabetes). It is after that you lose track with the 'Are you sick and tired of...' section.

After the first three sentences it might be more effective to start with the 'How would you like to...' benefits.

Other than that the rest of the copy looks good. Nice use of testimonials. One other thing, at the very bottom of the page the copyright info and such seems to run off the page.

Are you getting much traffic yet?

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ARSuarez

13 years ago

Devin,

Congrats. You're getting a lot better, honestly.

Don't get me wrong - you're not amazing.

But there is an honest-to-goodness noticeable difference in the quality of the copy since you made your first post.

I don't have time for a review right now, but kudos. Keep studying and improving.

Regards,

Angel

Thanks
1 reply

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Starwind

13 years ago

Thanks!

Padre, Thanks for pointing out the copyright info, I need to adjust the footer image and make it bigger to fit that in, still learning how to do it.

Do you personally believe it would be better to but the "are you sick and tired of" section after the benefits? So switch the two, or just get rid of it entirely? Really appreciate the feedback!

I havent got much traffic yet, I just put it up live. Ill be honest, I am not sure how to get a steady traffic stream. Adwords looks to expensive, diabetes keywords are about 1.25$ cpc for first page views. I did join some forums, but thats all so far. Any tips as far as traffic goes? Thanks!

Angel, thanks! Means a lot coming from you! Wouldnt want to be amazing yet! That would be too easy! ha I am really trying to get this a little better. I still need to improve it more, and somehow get traffic going.

Thanks
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Collette

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Starwind

I havent got much traffic yet, I just put it up live. ...

Whoa there, Sparky! You’ve got a problem with your headline:

The Secret 3-Step System You Can Use Today To Normalize Blood Sugar And Reverse Diabetes, Guaranteed!

“Normalize Blood Sugar And Reverse Diabetes” is a ‘structure/function’ claim.Basically, you’re claiming that your system can ‘cure’. You can’t do that without the blessing of the FDA. And you have to spend a lot of money and time in clinical trials to test your system, before you’ll get that.

You can say something like, “… helps you lower your blood sugar and may even reverse your diabetes!”

Claiming to ‘cure’ anything is a red flag to the FTC. Whose attention you don’t want to attract. Or they'll find you and smother you in trans-fats.

So fix your promise and your headline.

Overall, the writing is much better. It’s obvious you spent a lot of time on this. Here are a few suggestions:

Headline: Apart from the above mentioned issue, you talk about “3 secrets” in your headline – and then never mention them again. Also, what’s so ‘secret’ about diet, exercise, and consistency? Not much. You need to find a real hook.

So dig into your system to find something unusual or different or interesting. Is there a food or drink that no one else suggests? Some technique that you developed?

You’re looking for the special thing that sets YOUR system apart from all the others AND that prospects care about.

Subheads: Good and bad. Good: There’s a clear narrative flow through the subheads. Bad: The narrative is boring.

People tend to scan copy before reading it properly. The scan gives them an idea of whether there’s anything here they want to know.

It’s like a preview of a movie. The cuts are specially chosen to give you enough of the plot to know you want to fork over $12 to see the whole thing. You have a pretty good idea of the high points of the plot, but not enough to tell you the whole story.

Subheads do the work of the scene cuts. They should give enough information for the reader to know this is information he wants to know. But not so much that he thinks he knows this all already.

The subhead should hold the promise that, if they read what’s below, they’re going to be informed/amazed/delighted/shocked – whatever.

Your headline and subheads tell me: “This is about diabetes and high blood sugar. I was diagnosed with diabetes, but I found out I could beat it with information, diet, exercise (you’ve told me you’re a fitness trainer), and consistency. Now I’m offering you information, diet, exercise, and ….zzzzzzzz…

The thing is, if you live in the Western world, this is NOTHING we haven’t heard before. In fact, we’ve all heard it a bazillion times: To be healthy, you have to eat right, exercise, and maintain a healthy weight.

So, what you have here amounts to, “Oh, I already know this.” *click*

To improve your subheads, you need to figure out your hook, and build your theme around it. Which leads us to

Body Copy: You need to pick A Theme. You’re all over the place here.

First you’re talking about 3 secrets. Then you’re listing fears. Then you’re going into your story (which is not terribly unusual or interesting; more on that in a minute). Next you’re talking about information and ebooks. Then diet. Then you breeze past the part that most people find the most challenging – consistency, and move briskly on to imagining never having to think about cancer (FTC loves to jump you for ‘cancer’) and other fatal diseases. Somehow that turns into ‘no medications’, and then you’re dissin’ doctors, and citing unquoted sources for studies, and pimping nutritionists over M.D.s and … and … and…

Pick ONE of these themes. Develop it properly before you move on to a sub-theme. Try to have no more than 1 major theme and 2 sub-themes to the piece. Use the rest for your bullets.

Also, you can use the personal story to begin developing a rapport with your reader: “I was once just like you. I was a fat, lazy, overweight couch potato who had a terrible diet. Yet I was surprised when they told me I had diabetes. Looking back, I should have seen it coming. Family history, crappy lifestyle, etc. I discovered fitness. Now I’m fit and fab. And I developed a system that ordinary people, like you, can use to also be fit and fab.”

THEN you can go into “Here’s what my system does. Here’s how you get it. Here’s why you won’t be disappointed when you get it.”

Additionally, you tell me you know your system works but you offer me NO PROOF OF IT WORKING. You say you’ve used your system successfully with clients. Then use case studies of the clients.
And be specific. How much weight did they lose? How many points did their blood sugar fall? And so on.

Offer: Weak. Mostly because you haven’t defined any unique value yet. Which means your offer is just… meh.

Guarantee: Weak. 30-day, money back? Standard stuff. Make a guarantee that makes your prospect sit up and say, “WOW!!! This guy is really confident! I can’t lose!!!”

You can strengthen your guarantee and offer by adding desirable bonuses to the product, which they can keep even if they ask for a refund. Or, you can make an outrageous guarantee that pops you out of the crowd (“Use my system for 30 days. If you don’t lose 15 lbs in 30 days, I’ll pay YOU $100, PLUS every penny of your purchase price. And the bonuses are yours to keep!”)

P.S.s: Use these to reinforce your most important ideas above. Remind them of the offer, or the guarantee, or both. Or remind them of what they’re going to miss if they don’t take you up on your offer.

In conclusion: What you have here is a decent frame to begin a first draft.

And, just like fitness, there’s still a lot of work to be done on several different areas to get a well-balanced, properly toned letter.

It’s like you had a client who was morbidly obese on his first session. Now he’s down to a working weight, but he’s a long way from one-handed pushups.

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ARSuarez

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Collette

Subheads: ....

It's like a preview of a movie. The cuts are specially chosen to give you enough of the plot to know you want to fork over $12 to see the whole thing. You have a pretty good idea of the high points of the plot, but not enough to tell you the whole story.

Subheads do the work of the scene cuts. They should give enough information for the reader to know this is information he wants to know. But not so much that he thinks he knows this all already.

Collette,

This is a really fantastic explanation of subheads!

Regards,

Angel

Thanks

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padre

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Starwind

Thanks!

Padre, Thanks for pointing out the copyright info, I need to adjust the footer image and make it bigger to fit that in, still learning how to do it.

Do you personally believe it would be better to but the "are you sick and tired of" section after the benefits? So switch the two, or just get rid of it entirely? Really appreciate the feedback!

I havent got much traffic yet, I just put it up live. Ill be honest, I am not sure how to get a steady traffic stream. Adwords looks to expensive, diabetes keywords are about 1.25$ cpc for first page views. I did join some forums, but thats all so far. Any tips as far as traffic goes? Thanks!

Angel, thanks! Means a lot coming from you! Wouldnt want to be amazing yet! That would be too easy! ha I am really trying to get this a little better. I still need to improve it more, and somehow get traffic going.

It is pretty standard to lead with the benefits . . . the reader has to have a reason to continue beyond the lead paragraph. Giving them the benefits upfront should accomplish this.

As to traffic, I'm a believer in free, targeted traffic from search engines. That means the effective use of keywords.

Collette and Alexa make a most important point. You can not claim a cure.

Collette did an amazingly thorough critique. You won't go wrong following her advice.

Cheers

Thanks

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Starwind

13 years ago

Collete, THANK YOU! Really, thanks for taking the time to help me out.

I already started implementing the changes you went over. I really understand what you are saying, and am now trying to fix it up. For the headline I was thinking

The Revolutionary 3-Step System You Can Use Today To Help Lower Blood Sugar And Reverse The Root Cause Of Diabetes. Guaranteed To Work, Or Ill Pay YOU!

And offer a 110% Guaranteee or something similiar like you said.

There is a unique process I use that many do not even know off. Its the key to getting rid of diabetes. It involves reducing whats called "silent inflammation" within the body before focusing on insulin resistence and sensitivity, as inflammation is actualy what creates the cells to be resistent in the first place. It is also a very easy to follow and simple process broken into week segments so they do not get too "put off" by the big "to due" at first.

I just need to think about how to get that in there. Also thinking about the sub headlines as well.... hmmm.. thanks again!!!

I really feel like I am getting closer and closer thanks to you guys!!!

Thanks
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Alexa Smith

Banned 13 years ago

Originally Posted by Starwind

Reverse The Root Cause Of Diabetes. Guaranteed To Work

I think these words, especially in conjunction like that, can easily cause a major legal/regulatory problem. You really do seem to be making a curative claim, there?

Good luck!

Thanks
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CrhisD

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Alexa Smith

I think these words, especially in conjunction like that, can easily cause a major legal/regulatory problem. You really do seem to be making a curative claim, there?

Good luck!

Indeed. The causes of diabetes have not yet been found. To say you can "reverse the root cause of diabetes" implies that you know what the root cause of diabetes is, and that you can reverse it.

Thanks

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Sam King

13 years ago

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ARSuarez 13 years ago
Originally Posted by Sam King

Consider a sub-headline
Hey Sam,

Do you mean deck-copy, the "headline" that goes underneath the headline, but above the salutation?

Just making sure, so there's no confusion.

@ Devin- Ok, I was looking at the headline. Collette pretty much covered many of the basis in the copy. My suggestion is, fix those line breaks in the headline:

"Guaranteed to
Work, or I'll Pay You!"

Each line/sentence of the headline is a single thought to express a single idea. The message you're kinda sending is "be an employee to this system." Better would be...

"Guaranteed to Work or
I'll Pay You!"

Basic idea of headline flow:

"The Revolutionary 3-Step System
You Can Use Today To Help You
Lower Your Blood Sugar and
Reverse the Root Cause of Diabetes"

I think the deck-copy should include the "Guaranteed to work or I'll pay you." Reason being, it doesn't flow with the tone of the headline. It actually interrupts the thought pattern. You're moving from Interest/Explaing the system or process (good for this type of market) to a different type of copy - risk reversal.

So, below the headline, in the deck-copy, you can try,

"This System is Guaranteed to lower your blood sugar... help you lose Xlbs within X days... and <some other major benefit to your market>...
Or Else, I'll Pay You!"

You should tweak it some. However, my main address here is carrying the reader through the copy. And more importantly, moving them through while creating the maximum impact for your message.

Best,

Angel
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Sam King

13 years ago

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virginiad

13 years ago

Regarding the possible legal problems...

As far as I know, this product is an ebook which discusses diet and exercise as "solutions" to the problem of high blood sugar.

The FDA regulates ingestables (drugs, herbal products, etc), not information products. I doubt that he will find them on his doorstep any time soon, especially because it has been shown that overweight and lack of exercise do contribute to the onset of diabetes

I am not a lawyer, but I think you are off base with that.

Hope this helps

Virginia

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Virginia Drew

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Collette

13 years ago

Originally Posted by virginiad

Regarding the possible legal problems...

As far as I know, this product is an ebook which discusses diet and exercise as "solutions" to the problem of high blood sugar.

The FDA regulates ingestables (drugs, herbal products, etc), not information products. I doubt that he will find them on his doorstep any time soon, especially because it has been shown that overweight and lack of exercise do contribute to the onset of diabetes

I am not a lawyer, but I think you are off base with that.

Hope this helps

Virginia

You're right about the FDA vs FTC. The FDA regulates ingestables. The FTC regulates trade claims.

I probably should have gone into more detail about how and what draws the attention of each, but it was the end of a long day. My bad.

In theory, as an author, you can make whatever outrageous claims you want (see: Kevin Trudeau, Free Speech, et al.).

However, with the recent crackdown on supplement and diet program claims being made on the Internet, the FTC is more crabby about what you say than ever before.

So although the product is an ebook, the headline claim to 'cure' or 'reverse' a disease could easily get him a second look. And if they chose to pluck him from obscurity, he could probably make a decent case against them and win.

But it would be expensive, time-consuming, and - why bother? (see: Kevin Trudeau). Why not just avoid the whole thing in the first place?

There are lots of ways to say you can say "cure" or "reverse" disease - without using either word AND without calling the disease by name.

Simply changing the language slightly gets the idea across just as clearly, and keeps him out of target range. Problem solved.

P.S. I'm not a lawyer, either. But I've written for regulated markets and had plenty of lawyers torpedoing my copy. So I've developed a pretty good sense of what will get by them, and what I'm going to have to fight for. I'm assuming the OP doesn't have a team of lawyers standing by to go over his copy before he publishes.

And I'm a big believer in "discretion before valor"...

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virginiad

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Collette

Simply changing the language slightly gets the idea across just as clearly, and keeps him out of target range. Problem solved.

And I'm a big believer in "discretion before valor"...

Point taken.

BTW, when I wrote the post, I looked up "ingestibles" and "ingestables" in dictionary.com, and received no results for either one (Google apparently doesn't them, either).

Is that a word? I have heard several copywriters use it.

Virginia

Thanks
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Virginia Drew

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Collette

13 years ago

Originally Posted by virginiad

Point taken.

BTW, when I wrote the post, I looked up "ingestibles" and "ingestables" in dictionary.com, and received no results for either one (Google apparently doesn't them, either).

Is that a word? I have heard several copywriters use it.

Virginia

Ingestible - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Basically, anything you can put in your mouth, swallow, and it is absorbed by the body in some way. Mostly used to refer to medications or supplements. However, in theory, something like say, sand or cardboard, would be an "ingestible"!

Thanks

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jtunkelo

13 years ago

"Pre-diabetic" is still pretty confusing. Most people have no clue what that means.

You need a much stronger list of "reasons why" and the before & after needs to be clearer as well.

Thanks

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ARSuarez

13 years ago

Hey Devin,

I'd check out this website: Diabetes Forums

You probably have done research, but I would still spend some quality time there with your prospects.

You still have to narrow down a theme that really strikes your market powerfully.

And you may very well find one there.

(BTW, there are almost 2.6 million search on Google for "diabetic forum." Lots of strong info to cull through)

Regards,

Angel

Thanks

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Starwind

13 years ago

HOLLY COW!

Did Christmas come earlly?

I really, really apreciate the help here guys. If you need anything diet/health/fitness related let me know! I will help in any way I can.

Padre- Thanks for helping me understand that, looking back, it doesn’t make sense to NOT have the benefits first… thanks!

Sam – thanks for the bullet points, I am putting those in play right now! Once that’s in place Ill focus on the content

Angel- as always, thanks! I didn’t even realize the “line breaks” Do I still make it center? Just make each statement a different line? To make them sink in a little more? Also, thanks for the forum, I am going through it now to see if there is any “convo” that ties with any of my themes

Virginia- Thanks again!

Collette- Seriously, thank you!

Thanks

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247Copywriter

13 years ago

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I... ad infinitum.

You need to switch out the emphasis away from yourself and put yourself into the mindset of your target audience by using a lot more instances of, 'you' and 'yours'.

People are not interested in you, they are interested in themselves only.

Read..... How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. He raises this very important point...

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Your target audience, your target market is asking one question only...

"What is in this for me?"

Every time you write, 'I this, I that, I something else' (yawn)... Your words / selling language are acting as a filter. By which you will send your potential buyers away from your sales letter faster than you can say 'I' once more - with just a quick click of the mouse.

Your main headline also needs to be laid out properly and delete the full stop at the end.

In your copy, no doubt you are sincere, this much is obvious but you'll be better off turning your deck (intro / buyers environment) into a more compelling storyline.

Still a great deal of work to do on this piece.

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Bill Eliott 13 years ago

"You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Your target audience, your target market is asking one question only...

"What is in this for me?"

Quote from twenty four seven Copywriter.

Much time has slipped by since reading that Carnegie classic.

A tested reminder.
Applied to various written genre will create shift, developing an overall feeling, that which envelops the reader with caring attention we all crave.

Thank-you for the memory.
- Thanks
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Vincenzo Oliva

13 years ago

FDA, FTC, FCC whatever, someone's gonna come knocking if you start making unproven claims about "cures". ESPECIALLY without having any Disclaimer page. You're playing with fire just ask Perry Belcher. I don't think want you have at the bottom qualifies as a "disclaimer"

Thanks
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Starwind

13 years ago

247, thanks! That quote especially hit hard. Makes perfect sense when you think about it like that, and not just in sales but in life. Great stuff. I didn't even realize I said I so such.. (I just said it 3x in one sentence lol).

Matt, great advice. Thats one thing that bothered me. To a type 2 diabetic, normailizing blood sugar can be life or death, be able to have a child and not, being able to have sex and not... but for some reason it doesn't "seem" that important when I write it out.

Angel, ****.. your right lol. I tried to sway away from prevention by "normalize blood sugar" to pre-diabetics, those that already have screwed up sugar levels. Even at that, they may think "Oh, I wont get type 2 diabetes" EVEN WHEN they are a PRE-diabetic... very interesting. Got to find some different sales point, thanks!

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padre

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Starwind

247, thanks! That quote especially hit hard. Makes perfect sense when you think about it like that, and not just in sales but in life. Great stuff. I didn't even realize I said I so such.. (I just said it 3x in one sentence lol).

Matt, great advice. Thats one thing that bothered me. To a type 2 diabetic, normailizing blood sugar can be life or death, be able to have a child and not, being able to have sex and not... but for some reason it doesn't "seem" that important when I write it out.

Angel, ****.. your right lol. I tried to sway away from prevention by "normalize blood sugar" to pre-diabetics, those that already have screwed up sugar levels. Even at that, they may think "Oh, I wont get type 2 diabetes" EVEN WHEN they are a PRE-diabetic... very interesting. Got to find some different sales point, thanks!

You may have something here Starwind;

normalizing blood sugar is a life and death situation
being able to have sex or not
being able to have children or not

These are some pretty deep emotional points that you may be able to focus on.

Cheers

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Starwind 13 years ago

Hey guys! I re-updated it. I still cant figure out how to enlarge the font or indent
-_- lol Its a wordpress page template.

I focused on one theme, and a USP. Made mine stand out by focusing on the way I do it vs everyone else. Fixed the headline and such. Although the font for the subhead is kinda screwy.

I also focused on the benefit of medication... this from the forums and such seems to be the biggest problem for those newly diagnosed. The fear of being on medication for the rest of their lives.

Do you think this can convert ? I know there is still a lot of work to do!

www.preventtype2diabetes.com
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ARSuarez

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Matt Jutras

I think you should fix your offer before worrying about the sales copy.

People don't give a rat's ass about prevention. Prevention takes effort....and besides....it won't happen to me!

People wait until it's too late, and then desperately seek a cure.

Regarding your headline....do folks wake up in the morning and say to themselves "gosh, I sure hope I can lower my blood sugar level today!"

If not, scrap it.

But like I said, figure out your offer first.

Hey Matt,

You know, this got me thinking.

In Clayton Makepeace's "Quick Start" system, he talks about The Sugar-Solution Cookbook. What the book does is create diets and recipes that lower your blood sugar, and therefore cause weight loss.

But he explains that "lowering your blood sugar" is a faux-benefit. Or, a benefit that actually means little or packs no punch to your market.

Don't know why I didn't think about it till now, but Devin... you're pimping faux benefits and the most difficult sell in the world - prevention.

Why do you think fire alarms/burglar alarms are such a tough sell?

(I sold alarms door-to-door, so I speak from experience)

Dan Kennedy went into detail about this: nobody actually is afraid of getting broken into, until after they've been broken into. Then, it's the same feeling, for women, as physical rape.

Another good reason to spend some time on several forums and maybe go to a focus group (I'm sure there are thousands).

And even more importantly... study a lot of good ads in your industry.

And BTW, yes. Keep it center, but just make each sentence a single thought.

Similar to using one website for one sale. Just one line for one thought, but make sure it flows organically into the next.

Regards,

Angel

Thanks

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virginiad

13 years ago

Hi, Devin

This doesn't address your current copy, but I had a suggestion...there are some professions where they have to pass regular physicals, and if they have something like high sugar they can lose their jobs.

Two examples are truck drivers (can lost their commercial driving license) and firefighters (will be put on disability).

If you are ever looking for new markets you might want to look into this, and see how you could target your product to such people.

I know truck drivers have special challenges, because they tend to have a sedentary lifestyle and many of them are severely overweight.

Just something to think about

Hope it helps

Virginia

Thanks
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Virginia Drew

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Starwind

13 years ago

Originally Posted by virginiad

Hi, Devin

This doesn't address your current copy, but I had a suggestion...there are some professions where they have to pass regular physicals, and if they have something like high sugar they can lose their jobs.

Two examples are truck drivers (can lost their commercial driving license) and firefighters (will be put on disability).

If you are ever looking for new markets you might want to look into this, and see how you could target your product to such people.

I know truck drivers have special challenges, because they tend to have a sedentary lifestyle and many of them are severely overweight.

Just something to think about

Hope it helps

Virginia

Hey Virginia,

To be honest, I had NO idea about that. Thats a great little market. Thanks a bunch for the thought! I will research that a little more.

Thanks

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Please critque my new copy (updated, again! :P )

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