*(Already Paid For) My Copywriting Sales Letter - Please Critique*

43 replies
"HEAD-For-HEAD! KING'S Penmen 10, To Bet On My WRITE-Of -DEATH! & LO, AS I WROTE UPON WATER....." - *SAMURAI S.E.M.*





You can almost hear and feel the very nearing of the "SSSSSHWING!* and midday BLING!*" of the executioner's razor-sharp blade flirting just above my neck.....

"HAH!!! Look at that dog traitor's face!!! Who can save him from this lethal Write-of-Death?!", 1 of the emperor's court official Penmen ridiculed with my obituary inked in advance!

"HAHAHA!!! What GOD has 10 necks to trade for his doomed family of rotten infidels'?!", mocked another!

"PSSSHAW!", spat another... "IMPOSSIBLE!!! Over my dead body and ancestors' rolling in their graves , shall he chance this forbidden feat that has our 10 magistrate heads wagered on it!"

And yet another, "To hell with this waste of breath and space! Besides, the earth will be lighter without him and his village of rebels, who we're sure Your Excellency the KING, will cut off their war-scarce food supplies should he lose this legendary royal contest! Here's his coffin as a gift to see him on the way!"


"RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!", indignantly gasped the divided crowd, half of whom were adversely sided with the corrupt palace officials and the other half being faithful stewards of mine, Liang Zhu, and the imperial Manchu Dynasty. But such a sudden shock of panic tore an epic uproar between these tumultuous masses, that it broke out a thundering "SSSSSIIIIIIIIIILENCE!!!!!!" from the court Judge!

At that moment, seemed the heavens and earth stood still under his mighty façade, armed with a scroll in hand. He turned to behold the Emperor King himself, whom held back Watery eyes out of compassion for me, cupped his forehead away and gestured to go ahead with the trial and my accusers' vile charges:

"Hear ye! Liang Zhu, son of Tribe Zhu from Teisan Village, head general of the imperial Manchu army!" "At your dispensation, your honor! Forever live the king and imperial Manchu Dynasty!", bowed I. "Liang son of Zhu, before the people and king, I hereby bring forth the charges of your accusers! The plaintiff court officials unanimously bring over you the charge of plotting to commit rebellion and treason... How do you plead, general?!", declared the Judge!. My lips firmly responded..."innocent".....

"Very well then... the king has permitted to try you by the ultimate test of truth! Since you belonged to his panel of advisors and master Penmen, to prove your innocence you will Write this test? What is it? Whether your hands are clean or guilty will be proven by this: YOU'LL WRITE 3 KEY WORDS ON WATER!"

"OBJECTION, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!", displeasured the divided crowd! "YOU'RE FRAMING AN INNOCENT MAN"!!!!! "WATER???!!! THAT TRAITOR DESERVES THE TORCH TEST OF FIRE!!!", retorted the other half!

...Meanwhile as mom's teardrop slow motioned to the ground, I closed my eyes and reached for the brush, and all zoned out to a mute, as mom's cold gelatinous pork stew flashed back through my mind. The same bowl of jellified pork stew broth set on the defendant table before me, prepared earlier from yesterday's supper had dawned before my eyes that the greasy oil from the pork actually floated on the stew broth, just before banging my head on the wall from helpless frustration, I'd found the solution!

Reverting back to the present pin-sounding hush...my fingers slowly started to dip the brush into mom's thick bowl of dark liquid pork fat, closed my eyes and taking a deep breath, to everyone's even the King's standup amazement...proceeded gingerly to Write on Water 3 words inspired from thought:

"HEAVEN..... BLESS..... MANCHU".....


Jaw-dropping suspense froze the palace in awe until broken by the King's golden smile and pomp hand clap the audience erupted with triumphant cheer and fist-pumping revelry, chanting "HORAY! HORAY! HORAY!!! MANCHU FOREVER, LONG LIVE THE KING!!! MANCHU, MANCHU!!! LIANG ZHU, LIANG ZHU!!!"

"See, they love you", relieved the King's hand on my shoulder, hugged and released me to my family, to the furious dismay of the 10 royal Penmen whose pens dropped along with their heads in the guillotine.



Indeed, my true story dating back around a century ago, and although I am no longer present in bodily form, my Legendary Spirit still lives on through my great, great, great grandson (the 1 writing this letter) and my magical Penmanship now bleeds deeply from his veins spewing Miraculous Masterpieces even still today!

Yes in fact, I'm proudly smiling beyond from the yonder realms to see how great a Battalion of new breed Samurais has spawned from my Heroic Bloodline, armed with nothing but a Pen, Paper, Laptop and their Hard Thinking Cap - They call themselves *SAMURAI S.E.M.*! A network army of S.earch E.ngine M.arketing warriors who Buzz tirelessly through P.R. & Social Media to deliver your website to GOOGLE'S 1st Page Rank! And don't Top Page results mean Top Dollars plus Top Throne favors as KING GOOGLE'S Darling?! Not to mention you'll tame Net Traffic masses by the horns! And forget the COPYSCAPE JESTERS, they'll PASS right by knowing not to mess with our:




*100% DIAMOND-CLAD RISK-FREE SATISFACTION WARANTEE!*



> 100% ORIGINAL WRITTEN CONTENT GUARANTEE!* NO Plagiarism/Re-Spun!

> SOLE OWNERSHIP OF CONTENT!* FREE from RESELLING or RETWEAKING!

> DIAMOND CLAD WARANTEE OF 24 HR. TURNAROUND & R.O.I. TRAFFIC!*

> 100% SATISFACTION & BEST VALUE GUARANTEE!* Only Pay for the 1st Copy
upon returning for the 2nd purchase in COMPLETELY SATISFIED PARTNERSHIP!

> *SAMURAI S.E.M.* STANDS FIRM BEHIND THIS, UNBEATABLE OR IT'S FREE!*




*THERE'S A THICK LINE BETWEEN ORDINARY VS.

EXTRAORDINARY SEPARATING SHAMS FROM CHAMPS!

SPRINGING DEEP FROM "EINSTEIN" COPYWRITERS' SOUL DNA

WE PUT ALL OUR HEART & HEAD ON THE LINE - PERIOD!*




See for Yourself why You're joining the TOP OF THE LINE CHAPIONSHIP TEAM!:

> Artists good as their tools! - Elite Writers, SEM Gurus, PR Pros & SM Whiz!

> General vs. Genius Gene Pool! - Strokes of Uniquely Handcrafted Articles!

> Broad spectrum research source! - On/Offline Encyclopedia & Thesaurus!

> Keyword Rich Density! - Content littered with Stellar LSI & Key Highlights!

> Head Master Wordsmith! - 20 years bending Wordplay/ Literature/ Books!

> Not WHAT but WHO you know! - Google's Favor marches $ into your bank!

> ROI like Queen Bee's Mad Vengeance! - $ + Media Hype/Social Buzz Back!

> 100% Diamond-Clad Warrantee! - Rest assured you're in our caring hands




*WELCOME FRIEND! LET US CARE FOR YOU IN TEAM PARTNERSHIP!

FOR IT'S WHEN YOU SUCCEED, WE'LL SUCCEED TOGETHER!*


CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! You're NOW an OFFICIAL *SAMURAI SEM*!!!!!

Armor -Dubbed by Sensei LIANG ZHU, Myself, I PROUDLY SALUTE YOU!

Open Now MY WEAPONS CHAIMBER PROMO to the 1st PUPILS to ENTER!:



> Technical Articles: $2 / 50 words. Pay held off unto the 2nd copy purchase!

> Sales Articles: Great Price negotiable upon variable details and contents!

> Sales Letters / Direct Mail Letters: Best Price to be negotiable via contact!

> Press Release / Blogs / Posts / Tweets: Great Price negotiable on content!

> EBooks / Literature - Stories / Analogies: Best Price may be negotiable!

> Company Logo Slogans & Mottos: Yes! We do those too! Price negotiable!

> Back-Linking & Link Building: Via niche sites! Price variables negotiable!

> Social Media Buzz: Multiplatform social network marketing! Negotiable!

> S.E.O. & S.E.M: Social bookmarking & micro-blogging! Price Negotiable!

> Web Design / Development: Adobe Ps/Dw 3D interface. Price Negotiable!




Now bowing out I hand down Samurai SEM* Swords to You & Hopefuls!
GO CONQUER ALL I.M. FRONTIERS MY SONS!!!!!
mr.victor.bo@gmail.com
#copywriting #critique #letter #paid #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Mike Schwenk
    Ever seen a female wearing too much makeup?

    Something that is used to "accent" beauty can, if used too excessively, just be distracting or make a person look foolish.

    In short: Less is more.

    -Mike
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  • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
    Originally Posted by Matt Jutras View Post

    I'd demand a refund if I were you.
    All $30 worth.
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    • Profile picture of the author Mike Schwenk
      Originally Posted by ARSuarez View Post

      All $30 worth.
      You must really overcharge...

      I checked and the above is about 1,200 words.

      Everyone knows that you can get 500 words for $5.

      Talk about price gouging. Sheesh.



      -Mike
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      • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
        ABANDON. Completely. Don't look back.

        I would just leave it at that, except WF forces a certain number of characters in a post.

        - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    I have no idea what is being sold, nor can I seem to retain interest long enough to try and figure it out.
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Take this so-called copywriter out the back and shoot him.
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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by Mike Schwenk View Post

      You must really overcharge...

      I checked and the above is about 1,200 words.

      Everyone knows that you can get 500 words for $5.

      Talk about price gouging. Sheesh.



      -Mike
      Gotta feed the kids somehow!

      Half the price probably came from writing the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" part.

      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Take this so-called copywriter out the back and shoot him.
      Dan Kennedy: "There are few problems a bullet can't solve."

      ----------

      You know, honestly... I opened this thread thinking, "Wow, this guy paid for the copy. Maybe it will be good. Probably not great, but there won't be a hackjob."

      I was partially right. I don't think anybody has the stomach to fully critique this thing. No offense to the OP, but this is like something the cat dragged in... after the bear got finished with it.

      Honestly Vyctor, this is rubbish. I sincerely hope you didn't go over $100 for this. Rick was pretty damn spot-on.

      The copy feels, and flows, like it was written by a non-English speaking copywriter who hasn't fully mastered the language. And along the lines of what Bruce said: it is, um, kind of painful to read.

      I have a feeling this is for some sort of video game. Or something.

      Why don't you enlighten us more, and maybe we can help?

      Regards,

      Angel

      Edit: Holy **** Vyctor. I just realized your selling an SEO type service here. There are 5 pages of writing that sound like a forced attempt at merging some crazy Anime show with copywriting.

      If I am right, you would be better off with a page that said: "I sell Search Engine Marketing (SEM). Here are the things I can do for you... <bullets, bullets>

      Email me now."
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  • Profile picture of the author Jack Bastide
    Man you Guys are Harsh

    I worked really hard on that Sales Letter

    Took me all afternoon ....

    Jack
    Signature

    If you can drive Biz Op Phone Calls .... I'm Buying

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  • Profile picture of the author docsulo
    I hope this wasn't one of those writers who charge $3,000 with "no experience."
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    • Profile picture of the author Matt James
      I have a feeling VyctorB wrote this himself...
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      • Profile picture of the author Bill Eliott
        Mr.Bo,

        Almost abandoned your succinct, targeted sales letter, you so wisely purchased.
        The hook that reeled back this reader's attention was the Pork.

        as mom's cold gelatinous pork stew flashed back through my mind. The same bowl of jellified pork stew broth set on the defendant table before me, prepared earlier from yesterday's supper had dawned before my eyes that the greasy oil from the pork actually floated on the stew broth,
        Masterful word herding! I am SOLD.

        Whenever this campaign goes live I'm in for 10 of the Samurai Swords.
        Hopefully included the Ebook recipe bonus for Ma's Putrid Pork Stock.

        Anticipated regards...
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    five star read, would read again.







    Tell me OPs foolin
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by Ross James View Post

      five star read, would read again.


      Tell me OPs foolin

      Nope. What's more, you can hire him to write your copy, too.

      The irony of this thread showing up at the same time as this one:

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ml#post2914876

      is inescapable. :rolleyes:
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Sanchez
    I...I don't even know what to say.

    What the heck was that? I don't have the slightest clue what it was about and I thought at first you were messing with us.

    The descriptions were like vomit thrown all over the place...and I'm being nice. Left a bad taste in my mouth.

    I second getting a good copywriting book and doing it yourself. That copy was a: "Write-Of-Death"
    Signature

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  • Profile picture of the author redcell1
    I dont know if your famous or not but you just punk'd.

    Seriously what you posted is just bad, honestly who ever wrote that should lay off the acid and anime before even thinking of writing again.
    Signature

    Just here to see the shenanigans.

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  • Profile picture of the author The Kid
    I'm surprised so many read past the heading.
    Originally Posted by VyctorB_10 View Post

    "HEAD-For-HEAD! KING'S Penmen 10, To Bet On My WRITE-Of -DEATH! & LO, AS I WROTE UPON WATER.....” – *SAMURAI S.E.M.*
    I was/am thoroughly confused as to what exactly the point of the heading is, was far from impressed by the first 2 sentences I skimmed, and promptly scrolled down to read the comments... seems I'm not alone.

    * I'm not buying what you're selling and hope this is a joke. *
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  • Profile picture of the author BrianMcLeod
    Cut the crap... get to the point... and SELL SOMETHING.
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  • Profile picture of the author VyctorB_10
    It took me 2 months to write this thriller story with my blood & soul about me, in an allegorical sense.. I lost everything even my home & my family, now I have a terminal disease which can end my life @ any moment, @ u guys r standing there laughing @ me like exactly as portrayed in the true story.....
    Signature
    "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
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    • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
      Originally Posted by VyctorB_10 View Post

      It took me 2 months to write this thriller story with my blood & soul about me, in an allegorical sense.. I lost everything even my home & my family, now I have a terminal disease which can end my life @ any moment, @ u guys r standing there laughing @ me like exactly as portrayed in the true story.....
      How was anyone supposed to deduce from your OP that this was your personal situation and further, should this mean we cut you some slack because of this?...

      No, you asked for a critique and it was given to you. The words aren't harsh... they're just truthful.

      It is an absolutely diabolical attempt at copywriting whoever wrote it.

      Any experienced copywriter could do a better job writing straight off the bat with no reasearch, that's how bad it is.

      What do you want everyone to do, tickle your ears I guess and tell you it's a brilliant piece of prose when it's not?

      What would you rather have, zero conversions or at least some conversions?

      Wouldn't it be better to thank these persons offering you their time and expert opinions when you ask for it?

      Instead you bite the hand that feeds you and criticise the very people trying to help you, who YOU asked for assistance.
      Signature
      --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
      http://www.IMCopywriting.com
      Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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      • Profile picture of the author virginiad
        I think this letter says more about the person writing it than about the product.

        I can't imagine actually sitting down and writing something like that.
        Signature

        Virginia Drew


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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by VyctorB_10 View Post

      It took me 2 months to write this thriller story with my blood & soul about me, in an allegorical sense.. I lost everything even my home & my family, now I have a terminal disease which can end my life @ any moment, @ u guys r standing there laughing @ me like exactly as portrayed in the true story.....
      Vyctor,

      Look, I'm normally polite.

      But like I said earlier... this is really horse ****.

      Matt's post shows a thread from not too long ago. You received the same feedback.

      Here is the advice you are going to get. Here is what you need to do. And personally, I think this should be the last post in this thread as it totally takes of space for no reason:

      1. Read Tested Advertising Methods by John Caples.

      Why: You're trying to be cute, clever, and overtly dramatic. Are you scripting an anime/video game, or trying to sell your SEO service?

      (BTW, this wouldn't sell Anime, either - it's too confusing. Your reader will need a bottle of Tylenol to get through it)

      You don't know the basic principles. This is a standard of example of what John Carlton says: "Until you get good, you're dangerous to everyone around you." Right now, you're a danger to yourself if you're the writer.

      Judging by the style of writing as compared to your previous attempt - you did write it.

      Caples will straighten you out like a Catholic nun with a paddle.

      2. Read How To Master the Art of Selling by Tom Hopkins.

      Why: You don't know how to sell. If you did, these two eye-sores I've seen would not exist.

      "The confused mind always says no."

      I should print this letter as an example for anybody I teach copy to.

      Pick up Tommy's book. It's cheap on Amazon. He'll teach you how to structure a sales presentation.

      3. Go to the "Recommended Reading" sticky.

      Why: Just buy some of the most often recommended, "necessary" books. They'll set you on the way.

      (Vic Schwab, Hopkins, Robert Collier, Cashvertising by Whitman)

      Seriously.

      4. Study ads written by pros.

      Why: you don't know structure or flow of copy.

      Go here: FREE Eugene Schwartz Swipe File!

      Sign up and you'll get several free ads by Gene Schwartz. Spend some intimate time with them.

      Gordon politely posted this not too long ago: http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...o-winners.html

      I would also go here...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...copywrite.html

      ... as a lot of good advice was dispensed.

      Handwrite some of these ads several times.

      5. Get a good checklist.

      Why: so you can make a final review to make sure you've done things right.

      Go here: Doberman Dan

      Good checklist there when you sign up.

      If you sign up for the Glazer-Kennedy organization's newsletter, one of the seminars they give you from Bill Glazer includes a manual. The manual includes a concise, but effective checklist.

      Also...

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...-critique.html

      http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...ere-start.html

      Do these things.

      Vyctor, I do sympathize. Seriously.

      But you need to get better at copy. The fact we gave you this feedback and you complained about it annoys me. And that's tough. So someone is going to come and give you the equivalent of a donkey kick in writing.

      Anyway, this was meant to be encouraging. Use those 5 pieces of advice and you'll get better. And then we'll be happy to give you better critiques.

      Warm regards,

      Angel

      Edit - P.S. Vyctor, is English your first language?
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        Bring me a napkin, my mouth is watering...that is, out of a desire to resort to cannibalism as Hannibal Lector did to that flute player who was making the entire freaking orchestra sound horrible. ---Shakes his head---
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      • Profile picture of the author VyctorB_10
        i want to say sorry to everyone... whatever hope there was left inside me is no more right now... though there was always keen music and passion inside of me growing up as a child in writing literature/lyrics all my life in my room...

        I FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE & UTTER FAILURE WHO DOESN'T KNOW MY LEFT FROM RIGHT HAND....


        iin my story is a King who saves my life.....

        if anyone on the forum cares to pick me up off my knees and mentor me to write.....




        then that would help care alot....


        as of right now.... i give up..& my right hand i wrote so many poetry & song lyrics with is a waste of time and space and good for nothing but die
        Signature
        "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
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        • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
          Originally Posted by VyctorB_10 View Post

          i want to say sorry to everyone... whatever hope there was left inside me is no more right now... though there was always keen music and passion inside of me growing up as a child in writing literature/lyrics all my life in my room...
          That's where your problem is.

          This isn't literature. It isn't poetry.

          You're selling.

          Wanna know a big mistake you made?

          You attracted attention to the piece and the style of writing, more then moved them through the writing. You told them, "This is a piece of paper with words on it - and it's hella confusing."

          If you want mentoring, look for Paul Hancox's WSO, if it's still around.

          Ask around.

          Anyway, this is the last comment I'm going to make. I'm contradicting myself, but this post made me unable to resist.

          If you want counseling instead of critique, go to the MindWarrior's section, like was advised earlier.

          All the best (and for the last time),

          Angel
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          • Profile picture of the author VyctorB_10
            thanks angel
            Signature
            "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
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            • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
              There's nothing wrong with creativity, don't let that go but when it comes to selling with words, turn off the dramatics and keep your message simple.
              Signature
              --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
              http://www.IMCopywriting.com
              Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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              • Profile picture of the author VyctorB_10
                thx 247... plain rewrite coming up soon.....
                Signature
                "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
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                • Profile picture of the author VyctorB_10
                  o & i'm in such a hurry almost forgot to thx every1 else for the tough luv & critiques, thx
                  Signature
                  "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    So you already paid for it, yet it "took you 2 months to write" this at the same time?

    Were you paying yourself?

    This thread almost seems like a troll attempt... it's THAT ludicrous.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    Originally Posted by Matt Jutras View Post

    It's worth noting that the OP posted a critique thread several months ago:

    http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...JiWqV2awPyqAK0

    He obviously didn't take ANY of the advice given to him at that time.

    This goes back full circle to Bruce Wedding's thread.
    Wow. Another reinforcement of the notion that many people don't want to wronged... but to be validated.

    So sad.
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  • Profile picture of the author VyctorB_10
    let me die man... i don't wanna see anybody
    Signature
    "To learn is to unlearn, to know is to unknow, rediscover & remaster everything...then relearn it ALL again!"
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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    Is this a troll job?

    It must be.
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    • Profile picture of the author ShazLeghari
      I don't mean to be rude but this is a really bad copy, if you have paid for it demand a refund now, I already lost interest in the first few lines and never bother reading it.
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