Something is strange with that page... everytime I refresh, after some second, the page updates the font weight. Very annoying. Are you using some kind of advanced css/javascript to make the text antialiased/shadowed or anything?

I am using OptimizePress wordpress theme and impact font.

I'm kind of baffled by the line of inquiry, here.

You throw together this half-hearted effort at a squeeze page, willingly acknowledging that you did so without bothering with any of the "rules of copywriting."

Then you post it here, asking us to critique it? Why? Presumably, because many of us "do bother to use the rules of copywriting?"

Is the goal here to see EXACTLY how little you can do in getting started, while getting others to carry the heavy timber for you? You've posted hundreds of times on these forums, practically all of them chasing some dream or another, asking what you need to do to get started.

I'll point you in the right direction. Get started by going ahead and putting in at least a *teensy* bit of effort. Maybe by going ahead and bothering with the copywriting rules that have launched a million businesses before asking others to point the way for you. A number of them are posted in a sticky at the top of the forum, along with a note to "do this before you ask for help."

Sooner or later, you've got to cast fear and laziness aside, dare to be accountable, and take those first steps on your own. Why not make it today?

Everything that Oxbloom says...

I'm not a copywriter but this is what i came up with in 10 minutes, rewriting your stuff.


Yeah yeah, I know it sucks... but I do love to write

Ronak, PM me with your email and I'll send you a new, improved version of your squeeze page. I think you're off to a good start. Take a look at what I did and see how I've made it more compelling and dynamic by changing some of the wording and also the fonts.

My First Squeeze Page - Review Required huh?

http://www.warriorforum.com/copywrit...opywriter.html

There seems to be a major disconnect with the title of this thread and the above linked thread in which you stated...

Which is it Ronak Shah?

Which one is bending the truth?

Is this really your first squeeze page?

And if so, what of your comments above to the contrary?

And if the other is true, why are you claiming this is your first ever writing of a squeeze page?

I never like to argue with copywriters here.

Thankfully, Sally got to learn what she SHOULD have learnt it much before commenting on this thread.

You never put someone down especially when most marketers like me are struggling to make ends meet by working online. I hate the repeated arguments and fighting.

I have not been successful as a copywriter and I just wanted to make money online from writing squeeze pages because I thought it was easy to write them and could make a ton of money from them.

But no.. the folks here said it wasn't so easy as you think.

After that, I quit doing copywriting a long time ago and started doing affiliate marketing full-time.

I simply appreciate what you're saying. The headline may not be as convincing as it has to be. Many people may not even believe it but it sounds like it will definitely generate curiosity. However, I'll change it when I have some new ideas coming my way.

It does look very common but the squeeze page has been made, keeping in mind, for the people who've never known internet marketing or those who are desperate to build a list or make money online.

I'll look into what I can do to make this squeeze page work for me.

Matt, I am out of ideas right now so I don't really know what offer to put in.

I'll definitely think it over and come up with a new offer.

Wow, alot of fighting Chill...

Prehead: Warning: List-Building Is The #1 Skill Needed For Online Success

Head: "Discover How Anyone Can Build A List Of Hungry Buyers, Generate Sales Over And Over Again & Dominate Any Niche With Very Little Effort!"

Subhead: Mike Tyson Used Just One Of My Techniques And Got 2400 Subscribers In Just 24 Hours

For you, FREE

Good luck with your venture mate,

Hav

Ronak,

Are you using this method? Are you making $5k a month?

If not... this whole thing is dead before you begin.

Credibility is the big dog in the IM world. You need killer results just to compete.

And it's obvious from the page you simply don't have the business skills needed to teach others how to make money online.

I'm not trying to be a dick (man, I say that a lot...)... I'm just trying to save you a lot of heartache.

Pick a new market dude, 'cause you ain't got a hope to make it in this one. At least not at this time in your career.

-Daniel

Matt,

I love the new headline as well as the pre-headline.

The new headline offered by havplenty makes a lot of sense.

I have access to FK's List Control, Eben's Guru Blueprint and there are a lot of newbies who would definitely take my offer. There are people looking to make money online and there are people looking for work from home jobs. My squeeze page suits them best.

I have seen Tellman Knudson's squeeze pages and I can tell, mine is a lot better than his.

I updated the page. I just need to get the opt-in box, the name and address fields in and my autoresponder code in there.

Matt, I certainly appreciate your headline but I am not an Iraq war veteran whatsoever. I would have taken that headline as it's REAL SWEET but still, I am not a war veteran.

I loved Havplenty's Mike Tyson subhead but I thought it would decrease the trust factor so I didn't put that in the squeeze page.

I updated the page. I am looking for an appealing subhead. Matt, so glad to hear from you. Scott, Matt, havplenty and all other warrior forum members - wishing you a Merry Christmas in advance.

I am SO happy WOW! I got my first squeeze page almost ready. I just need to setup the autoresponder and add the autoresponder code. I get a GREAT feeling it's awesome to have my first ever squeeze page setup!

How about:

The Top Secret Killer Method That Will Build You A Billion Dollar List Without You Having To Lift A Finger ... Even If You Have A Photo Of Yourself On Your Website That Looks Like You Are Selling Yourself As A Magician!!!!

I think that could work pretty well...

i read somewhere that a squeeze page works better if a web user doesn't need to scroll down in the window...

i thought that was helpful

I am ordering a video that will include all the headlines and benefits. Is it a good idea to include the video on the optin page?

I cannot shorten the bullet points to just 3 Rick. Don't really know what to exclude because all bullet points are powerful. Have updated the squeeze page? Can the copywriters here review it and add their input?

AR,

I just made the 5 bullet points condensed into 3 bullet points.

Removed the $ sign from the squeeze page.

Will order a video accordingly.

How's the page now after your input Angel?

Any inputs.

I have to say, I'm impressed with your use of the word "required" in your subject line.

I'm glad that so many are freely willing to meet your "requirements".

At the moment, I require a great graphics artist, a PHP programmer, a layout artist, an article writer, a C# programmer, a general webmaster and a copy cub. Any chance I'll get any of that from the natural goodness of any Warriors hearts?

Can any copywriter review my updated squeeze page?

I would really appreciate it.

Ronak.

[DELETED]

Can anyone suggest some bullet points?

I think I need to change the bullet points.

I am targeting newbies to internet marketing and especially those looking for a work from home business/job.

If it's any consolation, I'd opt-in ;-)

Simple and clean design. I like it.

First thing I'd do is get rid of the words "train" and "Learn".

Sounds too much like there's work involved.

Nearly everyone wants this info handed to them on a plate.

Keep that little nugget until they've signed up.

You might want to rethink "according to your performance"... read above.

You also might want to make the Warning a bit more of a warning instead of a statement of no urgency.

Oh, and get rid of "Without Much Hype".

Remove everything below the bullets and opt-in form. Scrolling, or even just reading down, negates whatever momentum your headline and bullets build.

I did almost everything you guys mentioned.

Looks like I WILL GET Opt-in's to this page because the page looks great and the copy sounds powerful.

Looks like I'm done with the page. Any suggestions anyone?

Looks good, I think you have done a good job. Now you can test it and see the results you get.

Despite everything, I don't think it's awful.

It's boring...but I mean it's boring to someone like me, who has seen a trillion different list building squeeze pages. Chances are that 2 out of 3 people who visit your page will be newbies to the list building idea, and it should convert some percentage of those.

Hope your content makes it worth their while.

Good luck. I sincerely hope 2011 sees things get up and running in a satisfactory way for you, R.

So you are creating your first squeeze page and you are showing people how to "make $1000, $2000 or even $5000 each month working full-time/part-time by building a SOLID list of targeted newsletter subscribers who will BUY stuff from your email promotions."

Makes me sick...

The copy is not great, but passable. It's okay.

The product fails to add up, though. I think you're selling people a big fat line. And remember, it doesn't matter whether you are doing that or not in terms of how I (as the prospect) see it. If I see it that way, then that ain't good.

So, in a "technical" sense, the copy is okay. But in a pragmatic sense, it's bad because despite your generally decent use of selling points and what-not, I'm not convinced at all that this is for real.

You're promising people the moon while setting up your first little model rocket. It smacks of baloney. It reminds me of the envelope-stuffing schemes, where you get rich stuffing envelopes with the same ad you responded to.

You're selling me incredibly powerful list-building secrets - while building your list. You tell me, what part of this doesn't add up?

Your product, if it is for real, would be much better marketed as a sales page rather than an opt-in. And if it's not for real, and this is really nothing more than just a list-building scheme for YOU, well then, have fun scamming.

Why would I take such a harsh tone? Well, this:

Looks like you have a history of trying to sell people a bill of goods. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong and I apologize. But your squeeze page suggests I'm not.

A few quick points:

1. Your pre-head is already confusing the reader: warning? what warning? this kind of line should only be used to precipitate the telling of a story. just do it right.

2. Everything about the copy seems a little cookie-cutter. I'm not just trying to be nasty, it's just that things like "build a list to make a ton of money online" really don't lift up anybody's skirt in this day. If you got something special, say it to create the expectation for it. That expectation will make people opt in.

3. Your headline is promising three things all at once, pretty big things too. Are you really SURE what you're offering will do that for the prospect? In other words, you're probably undermining your believability right here, unless you have some extraordinary proof to back it all up. So choose one thing that's the OVERT benefit, and really sell THAT well.

4. It's not clear whether the tips you're offering are actually something you've used and benefited from, or something gleamed from 'the gurus'. If it's the latter, why wouldn't the prospect just go straight to them instead (as they probably are)? The thing about list building is that it's all been rehashed so many times before, and right now the squeeze page seems to reflect just that. Show them what you got. What's unique, usable right now... tease them a little, instead of just hyping it!

*If they're on the page already, they already know what list building is about and why they should do it. So don't sell list building, sell what specifically you have to offer!*

That's really silly. Selling a product which claims to teach people how to make $5k a month building lists *implies* that you (the seller) are a list-building guru. Anyone and everyone would see this implication, and 100% of your prospects will certainly see it.

Daniel was correct in everything he said. It's quite certainly unethical. It's based on totally misleading the prospect to come to conclusions that aren't true - such as the conclusion that you make $5k a month building lists and are qualified how to teach them to do the same. You don't, and therefore you ain't.

That's unethical. I'm labeled as "ethical warrior" for a reason - ethics has been an area of interest of mine for over 10 years. And this isn't even close to a tough one. It's ethically bogus - blatantly.

So you say you'll deliver the goods anyway. Okay, perhaps so. Let's hope so, because a flood of refund requests is a big hassle. I suspect you have what a certain someone might call a "frauduct," but I wish you no harm. Hopefully you really will deliver - because by doing business this way, you're putting yourself in a tough spot. You're risking being labeled a scammer, because you're acting like one.

That's all I'll say, best of luck to you.

"When I Told Them My Troubles, They Started to Laugh.
But When I Pulled the Gun..."

At least it leaves us with mptions. They're like options, but more mmm-mmm-good.

Ronak, I can show you an exact layout/template which has converted at 82% over quite a long extended period of time(provided you have a intriguing headline and a compelling call to action) but judging by your refusal to accept help from those who have experience and your childish behavior and remarks I think such information would be wasted on you.

Aussie Aussie Aussie....Oi Oi Oi!!!

Chris

Ronak, you're not doing yourself any favours here, in regards to your reputation and image. Even in the face of criticism you need to conduct urself in a professional manner.

That being said, i like the look of ur page. Just start testing...send traffic to it and keep tweaking based on the results you get i.e Headline, body copy, the offer, dropping name field..using a different button etc

Also, you should practice what you preach. Do whatever it is you're teaching them. Lead by example.

Its time to forget what others think and just do it.
You learn by doing. Get down and dirty, if you're gonna fail then fail as fast as humanly possible.