Review of sales page please you'll get the product

13 replies
Offer is closed until I get the new copy and graphics uploaded.


For anyone who reviews the sales page 30 Day Action Plan Earn Money Online and gives me constructive criticism I'll give you the product.

The target market is newbies, almost newbies, and IMer's who need a structured program to follow.


Oh, the buy button does work, just ignore it.

#page #product #review #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Abigail Beal
    Hi Dee,

    Great product and sales page. I'm sending you some comments. I hope they are helpful!

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  • Profile picture of the author TipTopMarketer
    Is it my monitor or are those lines around the edge of your sales page flickering when I scroll down?..

    Other than that great work!
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    • Profile picture of the author OnlineMasterMind
      the design and graphics look cheap and in my opinion devalues your information, which I'm going to assume is very high quality.

      headline... i'd go with something along the lines of "Yes, You Can...." subhead ..."Discover the Proven, Step-by-Step.......benefit, benefit...etc"

      What I like about your copy is that your sincerity is obvious and i think the reader can immediately sense that and will identify with the frustrations you outline.


      I'd get rid of all the words like "focus" and "commitment" and stick with selling the value of the information.... people are hungry for secrets, systems, blueprints... they're not hungry for commitment or focus...

      Good Luck.
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      • Profile picture of the author DeePower
        Thank you all for you comments. Everyone has been sent the link to download 30 Day Action Plan.

        Any more comments?

        FREE Pump Up Your Profits With PLR
        Are You a Writer? Then you need this FREE guide Convert Your Words to Ca$H Make Money Writing Online
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      • Profile picture of the author AnneE
        I had a different take. I thought the fact that you expected some level of commitment and that it would take some time, increased your credibility. I know that despite what many want you to believe, there is no easy money, or if there is, it's about as predictable as playing lotto. So I LIKED the fact that you said you expected some level of commitment and time and it made me more likely to buy the product.

        BUT..... the fact that that it said 2 hours a day was almost a showstopper to me. You do later have the question "What if I miss a day?" and the response, that it will just take a little longer. I'd suggest adding, "What if I only have an hour a day?" The truth is, a lot of people, who are struggling to pay bills also are struggling to get the wash done, put food on the table, take the trash out, the car to the mechanic, and all the other zillion errands. If someone said, here, you can do this in an hour or less a day, then some of those people are going to think, "well I COULD get up an hour earlier."

        Also, will it really take full two-hours, or is that a worst-case, total newbie scenario? Could someone with some experience, or someone who is willing to spend the $150 you mention, could they do it in less than 2 hours a day. I'm concerned that I may not be the only one who says, "I don't have TWO HOURS A DAY" and closes the window.

        Are you willing to answer questions, if someone can't follow your instructions? If so, highlight this fact. Tell them, you welcome questions, because it will improve the next version of the ebook. If you don't want questions, then obviously, don't add that. But newbies might like the feeling of a lifeline.

        You have very good testimonials. The only thing that might be stronger at all, would be someone saying they followed your advice and at the end of 30 days they were earning x dollars per week or per month.

        In general I liked the simplicity of your web page, but I felt the ebook covers could be better. Especially as you have basically the same one, in different colors for each ebook. I think I would pay someone to make you a nice one, at least for the primary product. I will say though, the ebook covers probably wouldn't make or break it for me.
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  • Profile picture of the author Eric Johnson
    1.) Your headline needs a lot of work. Your headline should be exciting enough/enticing enough to get the reader to real the next part of the copy. That is really the only purpose for a headline. Yours is kind of bland.

    - Cut through the confusion is very nonspecific and not directly applicable to the internet market. If you are having trouble coming up with a headline start with a simple How to... for example:

    Not sure how to make money online? Let me show you how to earn 100/day online in thirty days of less.

    - Note how I target the audience in the first sentence of the headline.

    - Note how I used a specific amount of money. Just earn money isn't very compelling.

    Btw, that headline above sucks and was only there to give you a general idea. Please don't use it

    2.) Start with a story. There is really nothing in your copy that would draw me in furthur. Stories are fantastic. You do end up talking about your story later... start with that at the beginning. If you want to put the other stuff first then just make a few quick bullet points and put them under the headline/subhead.

    3.) In your story you tell about how you finally got it. Thing is though, you don't tell us how well you've done since you got it. Tell the reader how much you make, how successful you have been doing the techniques that you are teaching. Include clickbank screenshots and such as proof.

    4.) "Are you sitting there asking yourself how much money you'll have to spend to make money?"

    Stay away from questions like this. Enter the conversation in the prospects head but not overtly telling them what they are thinking. Plus, they just might not be thinking it and you get them to answer no in their head when what you want to do is get them answering yes throughout the copy.

    5.) "Now it's Bonus Time"

    I don't like it. Bonuses are supposed to be exciting. You make is sound like "Oh well, I guess I gotta give some bonuses. Well here they are..."

    Here's a small sample:

    The hottest places to find tons of buyers for your products, in other words how to find a niche (page 2)

    Keywords...the magic words that pull in buyers - page 4

    Setting up a blog: step-by-step instructions so easy a kid can do it - page 5

    The secrets of writing -- you don't have to do it yourself -- and here's how - page 8

    Affiliate products practically sell themselves - page 12

    Social Bookmarking why you should and where - page 16

    Building a list of customers that want to buy your product - page 18

    Google makes you money - page 21

    Is squidoo for you? Yes and here's how - page 25
    Too many of these are just feature bullets which are terrible for copy. Make sure to write them in a way that explains what the person is going to get out of it. For example:

    "Learn how squidoo will bring you tons of free traffic and give you a much needed presence on the internt for FREE." Once again terrible you but you get the idea.

    7.) Your guarantee is buried in the text. Guarantees are expremely important. Make sure to create a bolded header and compelling copy about how safe they are ordering from you.

    8.) Not a copy thing really but not a fan of the centered text with the arrows. Just doesn't look clean.

    That's honestly all I have time to go over. I hope it helps and if you have any questions feel free to ask.

    PS I forgot. You use too much passive voice. Make everything active and exciting.
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  • Profile picture of the author Hunter06
    Hi Dee,

    Your product looks really great and your testimonials seem to indicate that there's some fine information inside, but your sales page just doesn't do it justice.

    If you are going to write your own copy then you are going to have to learn the art really quickly. How do you do that? Easy, you copy from the best.

    Go and have a look at this site, thegaryhalbertletter dot com. (Hopefully the mods will allow that link.) He's considered a master of his craft and you will pick up great ideas and tips along the way. Also, take note of every sales letter you come across that grabs you. Ask yourself why it grabs you and keep a copy.

    With that being said, here are a few things that may help:

    Your headline isn't strong enough. You need to grab your readers attention with your biggest gun. What is the one thing that really sets your product apart from everyone else's. With each version of your headline, ask yourself - So What? Until you get to the point where you have your strongest, most hard hitting benefit.

    Write out your sub heads so that they tell the whole story. Most people will skim a sales letter first to see if there is anything that they might be interested in. Your sub heads will draw them in by telling your story.

    Tell YOUR story, preferably quite close to the top of your sales letter. Use the head line and sub head to draw the reader in and then introduce yourself.

    Your sales letter needs to flow. Grab the reader's attention and create interest in what you have to offer. Then work at building their desire to the point of taking action. But don't leave it there, show them and tell them exactly what they need to do to get their hands on your product.

    Your graphics are also not great. The money spent on putting together a good looking graphic more than pays off in perceived value. Your colour scheme of orange and black just doesn't grab me at all. The blue bonus book looks nice but the green one looks cheap.

    There are plenty of sales letters around that have great bonus sections. You should look at a few and copy the overall tone of the bonus section. Your bonuses, no matter their true value, leave one with the impression that they are just an after-thought.

    I hope that helps. Feel free to pm me if you need more specific help or suggestions.

    Good luck!
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    • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
      Hi Dee,

      Here are a few thoughts on your webpage:

      My first gut reaction is... Where is your banner? No images, just the red headline. And two sentences in one headline is confusing. I'd concentrate on the first sentence and make it a tad more specific. Your second sentence would make a great eyebrow.

      And you have a huge chunk of blank space to the right of your Drowning-Afraid etc. list - I somehow expect to see a photo of you or something like that there. Even an image or graph would help.

      You need to start off with a word-picture, something specific that your reader can relate to. More like, Stuck at home but need money? Jane faced that dilemma soon after her first child was born and her husband, serving overseas in Iraq, lost both legs to a bomb explosion... Something like that. Tug at some heart strings!

      Then go to your Drowning-Afraid-Worried list and make it a bulleted list with some colored bullets of some sort.

      Your first paragraph is more proof than picture. This needs to come later in your letter.

      I like very much how you present your testimonials. The colored text-boxes and photos in each work wonders to break up your blocks of text.

      And it's far easier for readers' eyeballs to read non-serif fonts in text on the computer screen. Usually the serif-fonts make better headlines and subheads.

      One last comment. You go into your story, your how I did this tale. It's a bit too "I" oriented - your text needs to focus on the all-powerful "You". Maybe you could put this part in a sidebar?

      Generally, you need short paragraphs and more compelling subheads to yank your readers into reading your blocks of text. And instead of centering your nice red swoopy-arrow lists, make them left-justified but indented lists. Easier to follow.

      And hit your guarantee harder! Having it at the tail-end of your PSS is rather anti-climactic.

      Hope this helps,

      "Sell the Magic of A Dream"

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  • Profile picture of the author AnneE
    Oops, just saw that you do say, what if I have a question... so I missed it. I think I'd emphasize it even more. You've really broken it down for people, and offered them easy-to-follow instructions, but... should they have any trouble, then all they have to do is email, because YOU REALLY want people to succeed. You want THEM to be the next person to send you an email saying, "Thanks to you Dee, I now have a little extra money each month instead of living hand-to-mouth." I think that is what you want, right? You don't just want to make a sale, you want to help people get started.
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  • Profile picture of the author kislany
    I'm a newbie at IM so I'll give you my very newbie perspective
    I've read through your entire page, and I like the writing, it's convincing for a newbie. I like that the background is a pleasant yellowish-orangeish color, and not that dreaded stark blue/red white combo that everybody clicks away from as soon as they land there. I've talked with a few people who are not in IM at all, on some forums, and they call them 'ah those cheesy cheap scam pages'. Woups, I'd decided never to do it like that when I finally get my own landing page.
    Second. My eyes were looking for dunno a banner or something at the top of the page. It seems a bit empty without that. But something pleasant again, not striking or anything.
    At the bottom of the page, I feel I'm missing a ..dunno how to say it, a stronger push to click on that purchasing button. But, as a newbie, I can't tell you what that should be. I just feel that there should be something else...I hate it when I can't put my thoughts to keyboard
    Finally, re. 'what if I skip a day'. I was expecting a bit more on that, what exactly will happen if I skip a day. Most IM newbies have a full time job (just like me), kids, dogs, hubby, etc, so they don't need the added stress of 'omg I'll never catch up with this program, and I won't earn money'. Maybe a reassurance somehow that it IS ok to skip a day...
    Oh and I think the price is right. It's a bit higher than many of the reports and this type of ebooks I've come across, but it shows that it's more serious that most...does it make sense?

    Anyway, please bear in mind that I am an IM newbie, so all I've said here might be dumb from the point of view of the veterans...but that's what I got out of your page...*shrug*.

    Jewels of Cyprus - my personal blog
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  • Profile picture of the author cypherslock
    Hi Dee. I like the information on the page. It is chunked so that the reader's eyes don't tire. I'm not sure (but then again this is my opinion) I necessarily like the flow of the page in that the bullet points seem to be all over the map so to speak, which make it feel "sketchy" and disorganized. When I scroll down the page flickers a bit as well which is disconcerting. I do like the way the page "pops" off the screen.

    It does feel a bit like the page wants to breathe. A bit more white space in between sections would make it much easier and more enjoyable to read.

    Hope that helps

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    • Profile picture of the author dorothydot
      Hi Dee, (Sounds like a phrase from one of my favorite Gilbert and Sullivan songs!)

      Here's a testimonial for your 30-Days ebook:

      I am totally impressed with your information and how well-written this is. You spell out each step in readily-understood words and give the reader all the info they need, right down to potential urls for the relevant information.

      This is exactly what I have needed to get my IM site off the ground. Your ebook is a goldmine. After reading it through last night, I couldn't go to sleep for excitement... I was that eager to start putting your steps into practice!

      Thank you for creating such a wonderful product.

      Dot Pecson "Aunt Dot"
      Aunt Dot's Crafts

      "Sell the Magic of A Dream"

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  • Profile picture of the author AffiliateBang
    I don't do a lot of copywriting lately, so I decided to look at your site as a consumer. I have to say that I didn't see a whole lot that separated it from other sites that are selling similar products. You seemed to follow the basic formula of telling how things weren't going well for you till you discovered XYZ and now that you've discovered it, you're making money at it and want to sell XYZ to others so they can make money too.

    As a consumer, the first question I had was, how much is this program? Frankly, if it's a worthwhile program then the price isn't too relevant to me, but I want to know the price right up front, otherwise I feel like your page is like a used car salesman, trying to get me to buy by using sales inducers.

    My second question as a consumer was, if XYZ is so successful, why aren't you doing it instead of selling a program about it?

    I hope I'm not sounding too critical, I'm just trying to think of what the typical visitor to your site might think.

    According to Jakob Nielsen, most people decide to stay or go from a site within three or four seconds, so you need to decide what you can say to people upfront to keep them on your site. What I would suggest is to tell your visitors something different than the typical formula. Tell them within the first line how much the price is and why it could be the best $49 they could spend. Then, after that, use your compelling testimonials and tell your stories. Also, I would probably avoid altruistic jargon like, "The answer is simple. If I gave it away most people would just download it and forget about." I would be upfront and say, "I made money doing XYZ and then realized my concept was better than anything else for sale online so that's why I started to sell it and you'd be a goon not to buy it at my asking price." Okay, maybe you don't want to use the word "goon", lol, but try to sound more confident about your product and less like a charity.

    I would also suggest that you add an opt-in newsletter (from feedburner, aweber, etc). Tell your visitors that they can get one of your free ebooks by subscribing to your newsletter. That way, you can build up a customer base and convert some of the lookers into buyers down the road.
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