Please Critique My Web Site Copy

25 replies
Hello everyone,

I've been following Warriorforum some time now and am excited to finally post a first thread! I have just finished doing some website copy for a pal of mine. His website is bit.ly/gl72iI .

Anyone have any comments as to how the copy or layout could be improved? Do the benefits really stand out? The site's goal is to a) explain the product b) provide definitions of key terms c) motivate people to (obviously) contact him for a quote. Its not a traditional sales letter per se, however, I welcome any input from you guys.

Thanks!
#copy #critique #site #web
  • Profile picture of the author Vincenzo Oliva
    Pretty direct and to the point. You state the problem, provide the solution. You may want to elaborate on what is lost because of the problem and what will be gained by fixing it. Otherwise, I'm confused by the photo, it's doesn't tell me anything I don't know what it means.
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    • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
      Originally Posted by Vincenzo Oliva View Post

      Pretty direct and to the point. You state the problem, provide the solution. You may want to elaborate on what is lost because of the problem and what will be gained by fixing it. Otherwise, I'm confused by the photo, it's doesn't tell me anything I don't know what it means.
      Vincenzo,

      yes we mention the lost opportunities in the WHY section under the link "Millions of Leads Lost" convertmyflash.com/learn-mobile-stats
      (its a modal window )

      or are you saying we need to highlight this info more?


      re: Missing Flash Plugin Icon
      i think most people are familiar with this icon,
      ( the ones that have Apple devices and try to view flash content )


      * we will however be changing this image into a slideshow showing more images that correlate to the problems. ( ie google search results, and Facebook )

      thanks for the feedback

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  • Profile picture of the author Ashley Gable
    Well I will tell you that at first I was kind of interested, only because I have been thinking about the whole ipad and iphone thing.

    But when I got down to the price I was blown away! I never would of guessed it cost that much.

    Maybe it is because I am a non-techie, and maybe most people would expect that price. I dont know.

    But for those that dont expect it, you will need to really really convince them that it is going to be worth it, before and after they get to the price.

    I would assume that this is more about traffic than anything else right?

    Visitors arent going to buy something just so they can see it on their ipad, they are going to pay for it so that they can get more traffic.

    So you really need to drive that home. Tell me all the reasons and benefits of why I need to have my site converted to html5. Tell me what I will lose out on, or how and why I will be left in the digital dust of my competitors if I dont.

    If you leave it up to their preference, of "well I guess I could do it" I dont believe you are going to get many bites.
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    • Profile picture of the author scortillion
      Originally Posted by Ashley Gable View Post

      Well I will tell you that at first I was kind of interested, only because I have been thinking about the whole ipad and iphone thing.

      But when I got down to the price I was blown away! I never would of guessed it cost that much.

      Maybe it is because I am a non-techie, and maybe most people would expect that price. I dont know.

      But for those that dont expect it, you will need to really really convince them that it is going to be worth it, before and after they get to the price.

      I would assume that this is more about traffic than anything else right?

      Visitors arent going to buy something just so they can see it on their ipad, they are going to pay for it so that they can get more traffic.

      So you really need to drive that home. Tell me all the reasons and benefits of why I need to have my site converted to html5. Tell me what I will lose out on, or how and why I will be left in the digital dust of my competitors if I dont.

      If you leave it up to their preference, of "well I guess I could do it" I dont believe you are going to get many bites.
      I have to agree, I was interested until I saw that PRICE!!! WOW!
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    • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
      Originally Posted by Ashley Gable View Post

      Well I will tell you that at first I was kind of interested, only because I have been thinking about the whole ipad and iphone thing.

      But when I got down to the price I was blown away! I never would of guessed it cost that much.

      Maybe it is because I am a non-techie, and maybe most people would expect that price. I dont know.

      But for those that dont expect it, you will need to really really convince them that it is going to be worth it, before and after they get to the price.

      I would assume that this is more about traffic than anything else right?

      Visitors arent going to buy something just so they can see it on their ipad, they are going to pay for it so that they can get more traffic.

      So you really need to drive that home. Tell me all the reasons and benefits of why I need to have my site converted to html5. Tell me what I will lose out on, or how and why I will be left in the digital dust of my competitors if I dont.

      If you leave it up to their preference, of "well I guess I could do it" I dont believe you are going to get many bites.
      Ashley,



      But when I got down to the price I was blown away! I never would of guessed it cost that much.

      >> actually the cost of doing this production is MUCH higher.
      any competent web agency will charge you at least 100$/hr for this work x 24hrs = 2400$. ( that is if they can get even aggregate the flash content fast enough )



      Visitors arent going to buy something just so they can see it on their ipad, they are going to pay for it so that they can get more traffic.

      Some of our customers just worry about having their brands on ALL devices ( thus+millions of new eyeballs ) while others just wonder why their rankings are so low or why they cant link to a certain page of their site.

      So you really need to drive that home. Tell me all the reasons and benefits of why I need to have my site converted to html5. Tell me what I will lose out on, or how and why I will be left in the digital dust of my competitors if I dont.

      i thought we clearly did that in the WHY/HOW section. But if you think it could use more clarity or copy.. let me know.

      thanks

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  • Profile picture of the author Vadym
    The site doesn't look half-bad, but I think your headline kind of misses.

    Don't tell the prospect that their website isn't showing up. Rather, express the horror of ALL their traffic they're currently losing BECAUSE their website isn't on all the major mobile platforms.


    Off the top of my head:

    Headline - Repair That GIANT HOLE In Your Website... [alternate "Repair That GIANT HOLE In Your Website In 3 Easy Steps!"]
    Subhead - Every Day Your Flash Site isn't showing up on iPads, iPhones, iTouch, Google and Facebook - You're Losing Prospects, Leads and Potential Clients..

    The 3-Step Quick Fix:
    - and then on with the rest of your above-the-fold copy.

    I'd also suggest something like a broken computer screen with a gaping hole in it with that kind of copy to aid the visualization.

    Hope it helps.
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  • Profile picture of the author DanielleLynnCopy
    Wowwie, that price is a bit of a punch. But, if you can prove that your service is worth it, I'm sure they'll be shelling out the big dough for it.

    I agree with Vadym, you want to embellish the money they are losing since flash doesn't show up on apple products. What's $1,500 when they'll make so much more by getting all that iTraffic back?

    ~Danielle Lynn
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Originally Posted by undomiele View Post

    Hello everyone,

    I've been following Warriorforum some time now and am excited to finally post a first thread! I have just finished doing some website copy for a pal of mine. His website is bit.ly/gl72iI .

    Anyone have any comments as to how the copy or layout could be improved? Do the benefits really stand out? The site's goal is to a) explain the product b) provide definitions of key terms c) motivate people to (obviously) contact him for a quote. Its not a traditional sales letter per se, however, I welcome any input from you guys.

    Thanks!
    I have five questions in order to be able to help you better.
    1. What are your conversion numbers so far?

    2. Who specifically is your market? Webmasters? Business Owners? It seems like webmasters, but I don't know for sure. But if it is webmasters, why wouldn't they want to do it themselves?

    3. What's the irresistible offer you can make, something that no doubt, no kidding, you can fulfill on? Something simple. Maybe you can teach them something?

    4. Have you done the research on how many people really have flash sites. And if so, can you share?

    5. Can you add video? A sample inside that display you have would ROCK!
    I have a couple of other ideas, but you answering those questions would help much.

    I understand the "twist of the knife" concept, but I don't know if it's applicable/appropriate. Like what's the big benefit, instead? Like what are they going to get out of it?

    In mobile marketing, everything is about connection--real time, fast, instantaneous. Prospects, visitors have a need and they need it fulfilled NOW. We're talking "immediate mode." What can be done for the customers to fulfill that need, that promise--NOW?

    Let me give you a for instance. My daughter and I, last year. We're in downtown Chicago. A day at the museums. We want to do a pizza place for dinner. We're on foot. We search on her iPhone and find a few in the local area.

    HOW WOULD YOUR FRIEND'S SERVICE HELP CLOSE THAT SALE? And would you get me to come in and spend money?

    Everything else is just eye candy.

    Those are my thoughts for now. But please answer my questions, and we'll take the next step.

    - Rick Duris

    PS: Your graphics and layout are nice, but they could be much better. Consider blue.
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    • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
      Rick,

      2. Who specifically is your market? Webmasters? Business Owners? It seems like webmasters, but I don't know for sure. But if it is webmasters, why wouldn't they want to do it themselves?

      basically our market is anyone with a flash site. We are now approaching agencies with a White-label option, so that they can offer this service to their clients as their own. Also Web Designer, Web Devs, and Biz Owners.


      3. What's the irresistible offer you can make, something that no doubt, no kidding, you can fulfill on? Something simple. Maybe you can teach them something?

      1. we are the first company offering such a service.

      2. our automated flash scraping process allows us to deliver the service in just 3 days for very little cost.

      3. if you dont have the original Flash files or access to your flash developer who bailed on you.. thats ok, we can still convert your existing live site.

      4. we put together a very powerful CMS & feature set that will give you MUCH more ROI than your flash site in terms of ability to maintain, expand, share, and increase SEO.

      5. We install ALL the code on Your Servers. You OWN it, and can easily build on it.
      other competitors like SquareSpace and Wix Own your content and have limitations placed on what you can do with your site. ie add a custom widget.



      4. Have you done the research on how many people really have flash sites. And if so, can you share?

      millions

      5. Can you add video? A sample inside that display you have would ROCK!

      yes we can. in fact our video conversion setup lets u see the same video on Apple and non-Apple Devices... using HMTL5 <video> tags.
      we are working on a new sample site now...stay tuned

      [/INDENT]I have a couple of other ideas, but you answering those questions would help much.

      I understand the "twist of the knife" concept, but I don't know if it's applicable/appropriate. Like what's the big benefit, instead? Like what are they going to get out of it?

      In mobile marketing, everything is about connection--real time, fast, instantaneous. Prospects, visitors have a need and they need it fulfilled NOW. We're talking "immediate mode." What can be done for the customers to fulfill that need, that promise--NOW?

      Let me give you a for instance. My daughter and I, last year. We're in downtown Chicago. A day at the museums. We want to do a pizza place for dinner. We're on foot. We search on her iPhone and find a few in the local area.

      HOW WOULD YOUR FRIEND'S SERVICE HELP CLOSE THAT SALE? And would you get me to come in and spend money?

      Everything else is just eye candy.

      - what you are talking about is Step2. ( contextual real-time connectivity )
      what we are solving is Step 1 ( filling a hole that flash sites inherently have being a closed non-native browser technology )


      would love to hear more ideas.. thanks

      artur | founder
      convertmyflash
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  • Profile picture of the author lennoxtran
    i like your site. price is pretty high. maybe targeting big companies will justify this price.
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      If I have a business, and want to develop a mobile-friendly site, why should I convert my current site?

      It would be better, especially for a small business, to develop a mobile site (www.mysite.mobi) that is optimized for mobile.

      The user doesn't need flash. They need to know where I am, what I offer, and how to get in touch with me. I (as a business owner) need a mobile site that I can change on a daily basis to reflect new product, sales, coupons, etc.

      I can do that very inexpensively using wordpress.

      You have to convince me that your solution is better, and is worth the price.

      You are probably better off, as someone already said, to target larger businesses that have money to throw around for vanity.

      Hope this helps

      Virginia
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      • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
        This is such a hot topic right now and there are SO few qualified people to provide a solution...all you have to do is state the problem and present the solution and people will bite I'm sure (which you've done)...you might have to rework it once the market becomes more saturated though.
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      • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
        Originally Posted by virginiad View Post

        If I have a business, and want to develop a mobile-friendly site, why should I convert my current site?

        Simple.
        1) you dont want to create a website from scratch, and would rather have the brand/design/and content transfer over to the new site in just 3 days.
        most owners dont want to go through this process on their own.. or dont have the chops. Time is $.

        2) up until this point, your flash site hasnt done much for you in terms of SEO, Sharing, and Accessibility.

        3) you dont want to be updating 2 sites. ( most flash owner cant anyway since they have no CMS powering it ) Our solution re-creates your same site
        and empowers you with a powerful CMS.



        Originally Posted by virginiad View Post

        It would be better, especially for a small business, to develop a mobile site mysite.mobi that is optimized for mobile.
        try using mobi for a flash site. doesnt work
        so then u would build it from scratch.. which wont look as good, and take you more time.
        also their prices are higher for decent features.

        oh and more importantly, we install everything on YOUR SERVERS.
        so you OWN the code, and can build on it.
        you cant do that with other hosted services where they own that code.


        Originally Posted by virginiad View Post

        The user doesn't need flash. They need to know where I am, what I offer, and how to get in touch with me. I (as a business owner) need a mobile site that I can change on a daily basis to reflect new product, sales, coupons, etc.

        I can do that very inexpensively using wordpress.
        yep , but most owners cant set it up like we do.


        Originally Posted by virginiad View Post

        You have to convince me that your solution is better, and is worth the price.

        You are probably better off, as someone already said, to target larger businesses that have money to throw around for vanity.
        correction: the flash site they paid thousands for.. was vanity.
        the conversion we offer..is now essential to stay competitive.




        thanks for your feedback Virginia!
        i welcome more!


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        • Profile picture of the author Collette
          Artur - The comments and questions you're getting from posters here are questions that your site visitors will have - and which AREN'T being answered by your existing copy.

          You really need to think about who your target market is. You say "everyone with a flash site", but "everyone" is not a market.

          For example, there are lots of businesses that have a flash site, and they don't care that the site isn't showing up on mobi. Or they don't care enough to pay $1,500 to get it converted. They are not your market.

          There are webmasters who maintain flash sites, who care, but who would rather do the work themselves. They are not your market.

          There are small business owners with a flash site who don't have the budget to drop on this, or who don't know how to use mobi effectively, or who don't see how it applies to their particular business. They are not your market.

          You need to send your message to people who care. And to do that, you need to identify exactly who those people are, and what THEIR concerns are.

          And then you talk to them in THEIR language.

          This may mean segmenting your website to direct users with different concerns to different pitches.

          For example, in a recent B2B project, my client has a service which applies mainly to B2B, but which is also of interest to the businesses' customers (therefore more B2C). The approaches are different, because the concerns are different. So we told each segment where to go to find the information that interests them.

          Another thing that leapt out at me - given your price point - is that you talk a lot about how you do YOUR process, but give almost no assurance about the results I can expect. There is some vague mention of a "Warranty" but no explanation of what, exactly, that is, or how it covers my investment.

          As for design: That, too, depends on your prospect base. Your site colors skew to "young and hip", not "solid and reliable". Nothing wrong with that - if that's the market you're going for. Again - back to the market.

          Hope that helps.
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          • Profile picture of the author virginiad
            Originally Posted by Collette View Post

            Artur - The comments and questions you're getting from posters here are questions that your site visitors will have - and which AREN'T being answered by your existing copy.

            You really need to think about who your target market is. You say "everyone with a flash site", but "everyone" is not a market.

            For example, there are lots of businesses that have a flash site, and they don't care that the site isn't showing up on mobi. Or they don't care enough to pay $1,500 to get it converted. They are not your market.

            There are webmasters who maintain flash sites, who care, but who would rather do the work themselves. They are not your market.

            There are small business owners with a flash site who don't have the budget to drop on this, or who don't know how to use mobi effectively, or who don't see how it applies to their particular business. They are not your market.

            You need to send your message to people who care. And to do that, you need to identify exactly who those people are, and what THEIR concerns are.

            And then you talk to them in THEIR language.

            This may mean segmenting your website to direct users with different concerns to different pitches.

            For example, in a recent B2B project, my client has a service which applies mainly to B2B, but which is also of interest to the businesses' customers (therefore more B2C). The approaches are different, because the concerns are different. So we told each segment where to go to find the information that interests them.

            Another thing that leapt out at me - given your price point - is that you talk a lot about how you do YOUR process, but give almost no assurance about the results I can expect. There is some vague mention of a "Warranty" but no explanation of what, exactly, that is, or how it covers my investment.

            As for design: That, too, depends on your prospect base. Your site colors skew to "young and hip", not "solid and reliable". Nothing wrong with that - if that's the market you're going for. Again - back to the market.

            Hope that helps.
            Great post

            It always goes back to drilling down and figuring out exactly who you are selling to, and talking directly to that person in your copy.


            No one can sell to everyone.
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          • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
            Collette,

            i agree with you here.
            We need to start targeting and segmenting the message & design.

            the challenge we are finding is that the market isnt YET looking or even knows about this solution. So Search Engine traffic isnt a viable option for conversions now.
            Therefore a targeted campaign is our only option now.
            Im thinking that we should focus on the current and future PAIN that this causes.

            Any ideas as to how best to reach the people that 'care'?

            re: price
            this is also something we are testing.
            as of today we are dropping it down to 900$ until Jan31.2011

            re: Color Scheme
            would grey/black/ with blue/green accents feel more reliable?
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            • Profile picture of the author Collette
              You're still talking about YOU.

              And if the market isn't yet looking for this solution, then you don't HAVE a market. Which means you are going to have to create one. Difficult, but not impossible.

              I think you DO have a market. But instead of trying to get the market to buy what you're selling, try selling what the market is buying.

              So...

              Stop thinking about you and your "needs". How does your solution help people? Which people will it help the most? Start with them. That's your first niche.

              Then ask the same questions again of your niche. What are the marketing problems for people in this niche? How does our solution help them solve their problems? What do they need to know to understand how our solution helps them solve their problems?

              Now you can move to your needs: How do we find the people in this niche? Where do they hang out? What do they watch, listen to, read? What medium do I need to use to reach them where they watch, listen, read?

              You should think in terms of tackling one niche at a time, when it comes to bringing your solution to market. Because then you can really get to know them, their needs, their desires, and - most important - their hot buttons.

              Basically, you need a marketing plan. Putting up a web site is not a marketing plan. And if SEO isn't an option, you will need to either:
              (a) have a decent budget to execute a marketing plan, or
              (b) be prepared to be very, very creative with your marketing.
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          • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
            Collette,

            great advice again.
            we are going do run a few AdWords campaign to find our targets and then create appropriate landing pages. Then expand that strategy.

            Originally Posted by Collette View Post

            Another thing that leapt out at me - given your price point - is that you talk a lot about how you do YOUR process, but give almost no assurance about the results I can expect. There is some vague mention of a "Warranty" but no explanation of what, exactly, that is, or how it covers my investment.
            can you elaborate on what you mean by "Results"?
            do u mean SEO rankings? or Design?

            re: SEO Results
            there are no assurances other than what google states to use as BestPractices ( which i link to ) + we are putting together some Metrics for Case Studies ( before/after CMF )

            re: Warranty
            your right it needs more info. we will add that as a rollover, and to our TOS.
            basically you have 30days to review the site ( on our servers ) if you feel that it doesnt meet your standards, then we will give you a full refund. Once approved, we require the final balance before we deploy the site/code to your server. ( normally services like this dont offer this protection, since they dont return the deposit for random cancellations in mid-production )
            but we are confident we wont have too many flakes.. so far so good.

            thanks again Collette!
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            • Profile picture of the author virginiad
              Originally Posted by artur_design2dev View Post

              Collette,

              great advice again.

              can you elaborate on what you mean by "Results"?
              do u mean SEO rankings? or Design?

              !

              Hi,

              I obviously can't speak for Collette but I would like to address the concept of results.

              Your prospect comes to your website. He sees that you want to convert his site so it will show up on a mobile device. He sees that you want $1,000 (or whatever) to do the work. His first question will be:

              "So What?"

              What is in it for him?

              How will having his site viewable on mobile phones help his business?

              You do talk about being found on the search engines, which is a result, but it doesn't necessarily mean more business for the owner.

              He can earn more revenues in any of 3 ways:

              1. Bring in more customers,
              2. Convince his current customers to make larger purchases
              3. Convince his current customers to buy more frequently.

              How is your service going to help him achieve this? These are the results he is looking for.

              You can try selling him on an ego or vanity trip ("you can show your site to all your friends on their iphones?) but in this economy that is a tough sell...but it could also be termed a result.

              There is one other thing...A lot of small business owners have spent thousands of dollars on fancy websites that were created by people who know nothing about marketing. As a result, they have fancy websites that are not doing anything to help their business. Now, you show up and tell them that they can have more people see this website that is not doing anything now.

              The key is to go back and determine exactly who you are selling to, what they want from their website, and how you can help them get it.

              Another thing you might want to consider is putting in an exit pop that offers something for free that they would be interested in, and build a list. Most of the people going to your website will not buy on the first visit, especially at that price. You can continue a conversation with them and convert them later. Once you have built up a list you can also find out why they are not buying and get more insight into what you have to do to sell them.

              Hope this helps

              Virginia
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              Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author galewinters11
    At first glance, I like it. Very straight to the point and the layout is really eye-catching. I'm confused as to who your target market is, though.
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  • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
    yes i agree,


    1. Bring in more customers,
    not sure i needed to explain how having your website exposed to 120million+ more mobile users will help grow their biz. To me thats just obvious. So is allowing your site and site's content be shareable on Social Networks. But perhaps we can illustrate this in a few case-studies and articles.

    In terms of increased SEO Rankings :
    we can only show a before/ after case studies to get the point across there.

    other side benefits is flexibility.
    ie Audra's new html site now allows her to add Paypal embed code to her site so she can start making sales. With her old Flash site, that wasnt possible.

    2. Convince his current customers to make larger purchases
    Being able to now add ecommerce links or a shopping cart to their new html site will help them achieve this.

    3. Convince his current customers to buy more frequently
    Being accessible to millions of growing mobile users will help them achieve this.
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi,

      I was just thinking that maybe local businesses are not your market.

      The type of site they need for mobile is probably different than the site that they have now.

      As Rick said, a small business would want to attract him and his daughter as they walked down the street in Chicago.

      They need a site that loads quickly and gives only the information that they need (where the business is, what their hours are, what specials they may have, what their phone number is (with click-to-call).

      If they have to search the main site for this information, they probably will just move on to another site.

      You might be better off targeting a more internet-oriented business. Maybe one that shows video on the site. Maybe a blog or something that is not concerned with walk-in traffic and whose visitors are more willing to click around the site to find what they want.

      That goes back to targeting your market.

      Another question...who is going to maintain this site? Will an employee of the owner (who may not be terribly tech-savvy) be able to do it or will they rely on you? If they rely on you, how much will it cost?

      A mobile site for a local business will probably need a lot of updating.

      Also, I am not sure where you get 120 million mobile devices. I have heard estimates as high as 5 billion. If you are going to blow them away with numbers, you might as well really blow them away!

      Just a couple more thoughts.

      Virginia
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      • Profile picture of the author artur_design2dev
        yep.. no local biz for us.

        we're focusing now on Advertising Agencies, who want to offer this service to their clients who have flash sites. Therefore we created a special White-Label option for them.
        also 'flashy' businesses like Luxury Brands, and Real-Estate ( markets that we've done extensive work with ) on the lower base you have Creatives ( but their buying power is lower.. so we may just offer them something simple for a lot less )

        who is going to maintain this site?
        Anyone who can use Facebook, is capable of using WordPress to maintain and grow the site.
        There is a reason why WPress has grown to be the #1 CMS.. ease of use. However if they want us to do that, we have a team dedicated for that. Cost is hourly. * but we are really trying to enable them to do it themselves ( to save time/$ )


        re: 120 million mobile devices
        thats only APPLE devices. ( since they are the only ones that dont show flash sites )
        the rest do, however those flash sites will still be plagued with low SEO, due to lack of search-engine crawling, shareable links, and no page-views.
        Signature

        Artur | Founder
        Design2Dev.com
        POPteam.io | Custom Team Portriats

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  • Profile picture of the author JanPat
    Looks like a cool product (considering flash is a problem for my ipad and iphone).

    Lose the "we" in the "we deploy." For that matter use easier words than "deploy."

    Copy needs tweaking but the product just sell itself.
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  • Profile picture of the author Dave Lianelli
    Artur, as just someone visiting your website (I won't critique your copy by any means since I'm not a copywriter) - I dislike the CNET Video box with a passion!

    Really, that thing is flowing over the Tracy Paul example and the heading + first few lines of the text below. I refreshed the page and it disappeared.. so I don't know if that's just my browser...

    Edit: here's a screenshot.
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