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Please help critque my new copy!

by Starwind
14 replies
Hey guys!

Can I ask, yet again, if you can glance at my copy and offer any critque? I changed it a lot based on past reviews and am thankfull for all of them. I am still making sure I corrected what was not right last time.

I focused on medication release as this seems to hit home the most. Those who fear they will need to use medication for the rest of their life. I also created my USP by focusing on the underlying inflammation.

I couldnt change the font for some reason still... (its a wordpress page)

www.PreventType2Diabetes.com
#copy #critque
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Hi,

    I will read your copy revisions, but before I do, I just want to say it would of been more productive for you to have made only one thread since every update is specific to your diabetes site.

    You've been given a lot of help here, why not keep it all neatly placed in one spot? So you can quick reference all of the "freebie" business building advice you've acquired from all of the bright copywriters and marketers here.

    Only for your success,

    Ross


    UPDATE:

    I skimmed through your copy, I would of read more but I just realized it's 5 AM where I live and probably should get off the computer for a few minutes.

    One thing to consider:

    You're BULLET points are super WEAK. Add more specificity, what to be more specific about is your job.
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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    I'm not going to spend too much time on this because, well, it's a free critique, but I'd start with your headline.

    “The Revolutionary 3-Step System

    You Can Use Today to

    Help Lower Blood Sugar and

    Get Off Your Medications!”.

    All I see is "The Revolutionary ... blah blah blah."

    Lose that word, "revolutionary." It's fluff. Total bull****. And your audience knows it.

    What do they care about your phony revolutionary 3 step whatever? You're making it about YOU when the copy should be about THEM.

    It seems that everyone in IM overthinks their headlines. Keep it simple and deliver one big benefit.

    Get Off Your Diabetes Medication For Good

    All that headline has to do is make them read the next line. You don't have to sell them the product with it.

    This is where IMers keep getting off the rails with their long, hype-filled (dishonest) headlines.

    Just get them to read the next line. And then? Get them to read the next line.

    Lather, rinse, repeat.
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    • Profile picture of the author Starwind
      Ross- awesome point! lol That would have been smart!

      Matt- Thank you! I tried to fix them making them really reach out to the benefits of the product, now I think I should add the same type of list of things that make it easier or better then others! So like... All of these benefits without ever needing to.... blah blah. I looked at other copys with the same theme to base that part off of, does that sound on track?

      Monster, I completely understand and I thank you for the time you did take! .... AS for the headline.. HOLLY COW! Your right about the "about them not you" part. It makes total sense now that I think of it like that, thanks, really! If you could answer another question, do you think you it would be best to simply leave it at that? Just that one sentence? Now that I think about it, if just one sentence with that big of a benefit was on top, it would surely get them to read the next line
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  • Profile picture of the author MonsterZero
    Starwind,

    I'd go with Get Off Your Diabetes Medication ... For Good

    Why? The part about perfecting your blood sugar is superfluous. No diabetic would care about his blood sugar levels if it didn't lead to other problems.

    I'll be honest, though. This copy needs a ton of work.

    The stuff about your doctor saying "be healthy" isn't at all credible. Is that what your doctor really said? Doesn't sound like something my doctor would say.

    Also, lose the period in your headline that's sitting outside the quotation marks. It's grammatically incorrect. I'd probably lose the quotation marks, too, while you're at it.

    I agree with Matt Juntras up there. You're using a shotgun approach. There's no flow or continuity. You need to find a hook and build your copy around that. You're just flailing around here and it shows.
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  • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
    Hi Starwind,

    No offense or disrespect, the copy is overwritten. It's too bold. It's hyperbolic. It's like you've tried to use every "power word" in the dictionary.

    I'm not buying it.

    - Rick Duris
    Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author Stefan Pylarinos
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author galewinters11
      I agree with the comments here. I'm sorry, but when I first looked at your site, I thought "Here's another one of those bogus programs that promise everything but deliver nothing." It's a little too salesman-ish, not personal enough. Also, it's very copy heavy; I got bored halfway through the page. Your extensive use of flowery superlatives are not convincing at all.
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      • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
        Hi,

        Because you are wanting to write a winner,
        and coming back for reviews of updates, there
        are two excellent checklists, structures and
        mind joggers.

        "Learn to Sell or Else..."

        You get them when you sign up to John Fordes newsletter.

        You get to be your own reviewer...priceless!

        All the best,
        Ewen
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        • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
          Originally Posted by ewenmack View Post

          Hi,

          Because you are wanting to write a winner,
          and coming back for reviews of updates, there
          are two excellent checklists, structures and
          mind joggers.

          "Learn to Sell or Else..."

          You get them when you sign up to John Fordes newsletter.

          You get to be your own reviewer...priceless!

          All the best,
          Ewen
          Great idea, Ewen.

          Along the same lines, Devin, if you have the cash... I'd hop over to Clayton Makepeace's site and pick up The Quick-Start Copywriting System.

          It's absolute gold, and being sold for less than $800 right now because he's taking it off the market soon.

          I won't spend too much time extolling the wonders of the system. If you look through the threads for "Best Courses," you'll find it mentioned in high regard in every one of them.

          Best,

          Angel
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  • Profile picture of the author erolalici
    Hi,

    From just one look I can say you give too much away already.

    Include all the "insights" on how diabetes is acquired in your product, not your sales page. This salesletter does not seem to stay enticing to people all the way to the end because of that unnecessary content. And keeping the people enticed, especially with long copy like this, is very important.

    Hope this helps a bit.

    Best,


    Erol
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  • Profile picture of the author centarec
    You need some more images, the page is too plain this way. Also, you need other boxes for testimonials, readability is really low with all those lines in the background.

    On the other hand you are using too technical language and you cannot connect to your customers on that level.
    Signature
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    • Profile picture of the author erolalici
      Originally Posted by centarec View Post

      You need some more images, the page is too plain this way. Also, you need other boxes for testimonials, readability is really low with all those lines in the background.

      On the other hand you are using too technical language and you cannot connect to your customers on that level.
      No offense but the language is ok, its just not necessary to include and in a salesletter its the copy that sells, not the images.
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  • Profile picture of the author JanPat
    Interesting angle... but paying the reader if it doesn't work comes across a little desperate.

    Hey, if I've got diabetes and you can solve the problem (without killing me) I'll pay you a handsome price. Leary if you'll pay me. Hmmm...
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  • Profile picture of the author Zentech
    Hmm... see that little tag over there that says "Ethical Warrior?" Because of that little tag, I'm going to have to start by saying that (totally aside from the copy), what you're pimping here is medical advice. And that's inherently iffy to start with.

    I wouldn't write for this product, to be honest. The proper source for information on how to "prevent type 2 diabetes" is a doctor, not a $47 report. So, I can't help you copy-wise, but best of luck - and be careful with this. If you do get top-converting copy and start selling scads of these, FDA might develop an "interest" in you.

    Disclosure: I have a family member with type 2 diabetes. She is your prospect - and I'm glad she goes to doctors for medical advice rather than your sales page.
    Signature
    * Stupid Offer: Killer Sales Letters ***$897*** Just For Warriors. Ethical Clients & Legit Products Only. *
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