New Clickbank Product Launch => Sending offer to 10,000 subscribers

17 replies
I've just completed my new clickbank product

=> get a man | keep my man | get men | how to get a boyfriend |

it's a guide for women to understand men and to improve relationships.

what i have:
-3 audio interviews
-7 ebooks
-3 bonuses
-video testimonials
-how to order video instructions
-faqs
-$20 discount

this is my first sales copy that i've written, modeling after a successful cb sales page.

this offer will be sent to 10,000 subscribers (mostly women) from an affiliate as of tomorrow.

since his subscribers list is from an email software that doesn't track like aweber. i cannot track open rates, click rates, purchases, etc...

hopefully it will go well...

please help me out by:

1. critiquing sales copy
2. pointing out what needs to be revised, edited, taken out, added.

will update stats by the end of the week...
#> #affiliate #clickbank #copywriting #launch #offer #product #sending #subscribers
  • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
    Would you mind explaining to me the main headline?

    What are you trying to say?

    What emotion are you trying to evoke in my mind?

    Also, if you would be so kind... why have you introduced the price instantly below the main headline? How can I justify the purchase price with no explanation given immediately?

    What is the reasoning behind this?

    And this...

    WARNING: This Secret Success Formula Can NOT Be Achieved By Using Traditional Methods Of Allowing Men To Get What They Want, Being Nice, Sacrificing Yourself, Putting His Priorities First Before Yours, The Usual Self-Help BS And “He’ll Change Someday” Wishing or “I Can Make Him Change” False Beliefs COMBINED

    FACT:
    These Methods are Impractical, Doesn’t Work, Too Stressful, Time Consuming And Ultimately USELESS!

    What are you really trying to say?

    How do these two sentences above work?

    Would you honestly sell something like this to a person, if you met them face to face?

    Is this how you would normally communicate, when meeting someone in person?
    Signature
    --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
    http://www.IMCopywriting.com
    Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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    • Profile picture of the author lennoxtran
      Originally Posted by 247Copywriter View Post

      Would you mind explaining to me the main headline?

      What are you trying to say?

      What emotion are you trying to evoke in my mind?

      Also, if you would be so kind... why have you introduced the price instantly below the main headline? How can I justify the purchase price with no explanation given immediately?

      What is the reasoning behind this?

      And this...

      WARNING: This Secret Success Formula Can NOT Be Achieved By Using Traditional Methods Of Allowing Men To Get What They Want, Being Nice, Sacrificing Yourself, Putting His Priorities First Before Yours, The Usual Self-Help BS And "He'll Change Someday" Wishing or "I Can Make Him Change" False Beliefs COMBINED

      FACT:
      These Methods are Impractical, Doesn't Work, Too Stressful, Time Consuming And Ultimately USELESS!

      What are you really trying to say?

      How do these two sentences above work?

      Would you honestly sell something like this to a person, if you met them face to face?

      Is this how you would normally communicate, when meeting someone in person?

      these are good critiques. thank you so much. i will try to revise the sales page with the answers to these questions and maybe delete the above 2 sentences.
      Signature

      Why Men Are Jerks... Visit www.themanual101.com to get the inside scoop.

      Introducing The MAN-UAL: Inside The Simple Minds Of Men. A guide to how men think and what you can do improve your relationships.

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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    One quick thing I'd change if I was trying to sell this product would be to remove the silly belcher button after the headline.

    You haven't done this yet:

    tell me who you are
    what your even selling
    proof of what you're selling

    that's already three things,

    ABANDON
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    • Profile picture of the author lennoxtran
      Originally Posted by Ross James View Post

      One quick thing I'd change if I was trying to sell this product would be to remove the silly belcher button after the headline.

      You haven't done this yet:

      tell me who you are
      what your even selling
      proof of what you're selling

      that's already three things,

      ABANDON
      thank you. i didn't realize this. will incorporate those 3 things before showing price.
      Signature

      Why Men Are Jerks... Visit www.themanual101.com to get the inside scoop.

      Introducing The MAN-UAL: Inside The Simple Minds Of Men. A guide to how men think and what you can do improve your relationships.

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  • Profile picture of the author Dave Lianelli
    Another few tips:

    drop the amount of stock photo's in your letter. Most are there without clear purpose. They attract my attention, but don't make me want to buy the product.

    Same goes for the bold texts. There is to much bolded text, in my opinion.

    At the end of the page there's an image that says "Sorry, we are sold out". Then a link to order. Well, personally... *I* wouldn't even think about clicking that order link anymore... because either you're using a marketing gimmick, or the product actually is sold out.

    Oh, and you might want to split-test with having the FAQ on a separate page. Most of the questions in there are to obvious and only clutter the page. (Coming from someone who regularly buys stuff online)

    I'm by all means, no professional at all. However I still hope this helps you out.
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    • Profile picture of the author lennoxtran
      Originally Posted by Dave Lianelli View Post

      Another few tips:

      drop the amount of stock photo's in your letter. Most are there without clear purpose. They attract my attention, but don't make me want to buy the product.

      Same goes for the bold texts. There is to much bolded text, in my opinion.

      At the end of the page there's an image that says "Sorry, we are sold out". Then a link to order. Well, personally... *I* wouldn't even think about clicking that order link anymore... because either you're using a marketing gimmick, or the product actually is sold out.

      Oh, and you might want to split-test with having the FAQ on a separate page. Most of the questions in there are to obvious and only clutter the page. (Coming from someone who regularly buys stuff online)

      I'm by all means, no professional at all. However I still hope this helps you out.
      i questioned the stock photos too. read some copywriter saying to add graphics to get the point across. maybe this is a bit excessive.

      sold out => trying to incorporate scarcity. maybe too much gimmick here.

      all great points. thank you very much.

      lennox
      Signature

      Why Men Are Jerks... Visit www.themanual101.com to get the inside scoop.

      Introducing The MAN-UAL: Inside The Simple Minds Of Men. A guide to how men think and what you can do improve your relationships.

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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    hard to know where to start with this one, it's such a mess.

    But lets start with the headline. Know what it's function is? It's an Ad for your Ad. Its meant to quickly attract your attention and get you to read on. Yours says -

    “Brand NEW ‘I-Got-Him-Now!’ MAN-UAL Secretly Leaked To Women Causing Them To Take Advantage, Plot Their Revenge, And Unleash Their Pent-Up Wrath On Men! (Even Though It Wasn’t Meant To Do So)”



    Know what? I haven't a clue what you're on about. So you've lost me right there. Is it a "How to Pick Up Men" book? Or a "How to take your revenge on all the assholes that have dumped you". Or is it some kind of spin on "Men are from Mars - Women are from Venus"? I don't know and I don't want to know. I could care less. Granted - I'm not a girl. BUT - can you really see any girl reading that and going "YES! Eureka! Finally - exactly what I've been looking for". I don't think so. You're trying too hard to be cute. "MAN-UAL" is just straight-out cheesy. And then the BS about "Secretly leaked to women". Come on. That's right off the BS meter.

    You have a much better headline you're using as a sub-head -

    “Is There A Reason Why Men Treat Women So Bad?”

    so beef it up a bit. Add another line to it. Like "...or are they ALL assholes? Or "are they really from Mars?" or "can they change?"

    Just noticed this line in your Sig - "The MAN-UAL: inside the simple minds of men". That sucks too. Would be better as "THE MAN-UAL: what makes men tick" or "THE MAN-UAL: a DIY guide to fine-tuning your man"
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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      ...But lets start with the headline. ...

      "Brand NEW 'I-Got-Him-Now!' MAN-UAL Secretly Leaked To Women Causing Them To Take Advantage, Plot Their Revenge, And Unleash Their Pent-Up Wrath On Men! (Even Though It Wasn't Meant To Do So)"

      Know what? I haven't a clue what you're on about. So you've lost me right there. ..
      Look at your meta-tags. Now look at your headline. Now back to your meta-tags. Now back to your headline.

      See the major disconnect?

      Your meta-tags imply that this is a "how to get and keep the man of your dreams guide", while your headline implies that this is a "how to get revenge on the dirty, rotten ******* that took you for granted and broke your heart".

      Assuming someone can fight their way through that convoluted mess. And that's just the beginning... for the rest...

      I couldn't even consider going through the rest without without a generous helping of single-malt in hand.

      Throw it out. All of it.

      Start again.
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  • Profile picture of the author Alexa Smith
    Banned
    The headline doesn't "speak to me" at all, and gives me no reason to keep reading. No benefit is addressed. I can't tell what you're selling from it, who it's for, or why it should/might interest me.

    Originally Posted by lennoxtran View Post

    modeling after a successful cb sales page.
    I'm not saying you're wrong, and this is literally "just a question", but how did you know that the one you "modeled" was a successful one?
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  • Profile picture of the author Chris Worner
    Hello, apart from a completely ambiguous headline, and the general messiness of the layout, are you aware that if somebody clicks the buy now button it takes you to that down-sell page where you offer $20 off?
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    • Profile picture of the author virginiad
      Hi,

      As an unmarried woman, I am totally turned off by the negativity of this letter.

      You have to give your readers hope that they can find a good man.

      You appear to be totally disgusted with all men. That is not what I want to hear, even if it is true.

      Hope this helps

      Virginia
      Signature

      Virginia Drew


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      • Profile picture of the author virginiad
        Where is the successful CB sales page after which this was modeled?
        Signature

        Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author sethczerepak
    I agree, the introduction is too ambiguous...not to mention quite a bit on the negative side. It needs to drill down to the end result benefit of buying the product right off the bat...without actually talking about the product that is. This will get their attention and involve the emotional mind (better for selling to women). That's as much as I can offer for now.

    BTW: Thanks for this one:
    “A Woman Will Never Change A Man To Her Way Of Thinking!”

    ....so true.
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  • Profile picture of the author Nick Brighton
    As above, the headline doesn't make sense... and if you're going to try and sell someone within a few paragraphs and then present the buy now button before I've even been told your name, then you better have a darn good headline and summarize your offer far more succinctly than that.

    And there's another incongruenty...

    The first few sub heads are basically sexist attacks on men, saying how they treat women badly etc, but then a later headline follows on mentioning how to win their love and warmth etc.

    The it goes back to "A Woman Will Never Change a Man To Her Way Of Thinking" which is basically the biggest reason for a woman to probably click away as you've basically contradicted what your product offers to do...

    ... then you immediately switch back to "You Do Not Want To Be The Rug That Men Step On..." crap. Like, "go girl, women power..." kinda stuff that sounds more like an Oprah episode or a relationship/divorce counsellor would spew out... like it's ok to use that sweeping generalization towards men, but not towards women.

    Make your mind up... do you think men are asseholes and you want to trick them into bed, or do you think men are worth fighting for?

    Strange mix of messages... but I'd start with a coherant headline, drop the sexist attacks and maybe talk about what women really want...
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Yeah but... she is honest...and people believe what she says...because it comes from her heart.
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