How can I make this ad better?

Ross James

15 years ago

play hard to get

there is no call to action.

maybe add a few pictures?

Best,

Ross

Thanks

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AdmiralGloom

15 years ago

Brake down the first paragraph:

My job is being relocated and I'm looking for someone to take over my lease. Honestly, you'll be getting one hell of a deal with this one as I have to relocate very soon and therefore I'm offering it for a low price.

The apartment is located in The Park community, which has been newly built this year and is one of the most beautiful apartment communities in Orange County, right by the Irvine Spectrum Center and minutes away from Costco and Albertson's.

I was the first one to lease the apartment and it's still brand new and fresh.
I am offering the apartment along with brand new furniture.

This is a one-bedroom, rents for $1675 unfurnished, and I will be renting it out to you for $1540 WITH furniture. So if you're interested hurry up and send me an email because I expect this to be taken fast and it's impossible to rent a similar apartment through the leasing office for the same price.

If you really wanted to spice it up add benefits instead of features.
So instead of:
"Great location: Next to the pool and the gym. Literally 5-second walk to both"
Say:
"Get in the best shape of your life, a swimming pool and gym is only a short distance!"

Others:
"Host parties out on your large patio or just enjoy the sunset!"
"Easy to clean hardwood floors! No Shampooing needed!"

Yep, that is my two cents. I am sure someone will be here soon who can get into to some better detail.

Good luck!

Addition: And I agree with Ross, add pictures.

Thanks
1 reply

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OutOfThisWord 15 years ago

New 1br Furnished Apt.
(The Park at Irvine Spectrum)

Normally $1675 unfurnished.
Steal it now $1540 furnished.

Hurry!
- Thanks
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Zentech

15 years ago

If that's all I saw, I'd wonder, "what's wrong with it?" Drug seizure there? Murder? Horrible pet odor problem? Ghosts? Zentech is the neighbor? Gotta be something wrong.

Thanks
1 reply

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aduttonater 15 years ago

Who ever moves in better like all those extras, because it seems like thats what they are paying for. $1540 Per week? month? year? Also get pictures, they sell! and a phone number for faster response.
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- Zero 15 years ago
  
  List the benefits of those features you've given.
  
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  Summertime Dress 15 years ago
  
  I would list a benefit in the headline..."2 minute walk from the university"...or whatever is convenient to the area. Remember, people will pay more if it meets a need. Pics are a must. Anytime I read the word "honestly" I don't believe it. I would study the fsbo posts and see which ones you would call...I think you're giving TMI...let them pre-qualify themselves and make them curious about the offer...then give all the details. Also a phone number makes for a quick call to action.
  
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  Mr. Subtle 15 years ago
  
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  Scott Ames 15 years ago
  
  I love Mr. Subtle's ad... hahaha don't tell my wife, I want to move in ASAP.
  
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  Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill
  
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  sakari 15 years ago
  
  Lol good one there Mr. Not-so-Subtle
  
  Originally Posted by Mr. Subtle
  
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MontelloMarketing

15 years ago

Subtle's got it.

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Ross James

15 years ago

Subtle always delivers, that's is awesome. never even crossed my mine.

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Zentech

15 years ago

Love it, good stuff there. What's the number? I'm calling. I want me some of them new neighbors.

Thanks

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travlinguy

15 years ago

You've got plenty of good suggestions. I'll add that you might want to format the text so it doesn't run all the way across the page. In other words, stack it so you have maybe 80 characters across. That makes it much easier to read. I'd also include four pics (of the best features) as allowed by CL.

As for having pics of hot bikini babes... That's great for us testosterone puppies but you're almost ruling out female prospects doing that. It might work though you run the risk of having folks think this is some sort of orgy palace. Good luck.

Thanks
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MontelloMarketing

15 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

As for having pics of hot bikini babes... That's great for us testosterone puppies but you're almost ruling out female prospects doing that. It might work though you run the risk of having folks think this is some sort of orgy palace. Good luck.

Doesn't matter. If the market is even slightly more male, then use those kinds of pics. If it' slightly more female, use a pic of a couple guys with their shirts off. Doesn't matter if you alienate a big part of the audience. You only need one responder.

When you try to please everyone you please no one.

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travlinguy

15 years ago

Originally Posted by MontelloMarketing

Doesn't matter. If the market is even slightly more male, then use those kinds of pics. If it' slightly more female, use a pic of a couple guys with their shirts off. Doesn't matter if you alienate a big part of the audience. You only need one responder.

When you try to please everyone you please no one.

First, it’s a stretch to think using sex to market housing is a good idea in the first place. Housing is a commodity that the entire population needs. Targeting only 'hot' men or women is silly unless the development was created specifically for that type of tenant.

Real estate is hugely depressed in California at present and getting worse. People don’t have the luxury of going after a single, narrow demographic. Cheesecake or beefcake photos almost immediately alienate at least two thirds of the legitimate market. You say that doesn’t matter but it does. It matters a lot.

You make it sound so simple saying you only need one responder. With the state of the housing market in Southern California and other depressed national markets buyers are scarce and can pick and choose. Sellers actually need dozens of responders to get one to stick. Why in the world would someone deliberately alienate or flat out eliminate more than two thirds of their potential clients?

This isn’t just about men and women as couples come into play here as well. And although most men in their mid 40s (sexy pics are likely to appeal mainly to folks between 18 and 40) and beyond might love looking at hot women all the time it’s unlikely that such a guy would want to be immersed in the fun and frolic party atmosphere suggested in the pic. Same goes for most women. That’s where the ‘sexy pics’ become a liability. It's simple. As most men and women get older they seek a bit more peace and quiet and are more likely to avoid a festive environment.

I’ve written for the real estate market for more than 12 years and have produced more than a million words for investors, landlords, agents and lots of general and specific info for that market. I don’t fancy myself a copywriter but have also written successful marketing materials that moved more than 60 of my own properties from 1992 to 1997.

There are few rules in marketing that are set in stone. It’s easy to say that trying to please everyone you please no one but, for the most part that doesn’t apply here. When marketing real estate in any market you want to try and capture as many qualified leads as you possibly can and that will only happen with a broader approach.

Again, no one has the luxury of alienating any potential client. If the product were beer or guns or sporting goods or any other gender-specific stuff I’d agree that pics of hot-looking members of the opposite sex would probably be effective. But it’s sure to be a liability in such a vanilla market.

Everyone needs housing not just the ‘beautiful people.’ With everything the OP is offering in this deal it will stand alone without a sexy visual teaser. In fact, I’m as sure as I can be that such an approach will be counterproductive and the property is likely to sit on the market far longer than necessary with such a strategy.

Thanks
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Oxbloom

15 years ago

Originally Posted by travlinguy

Again, no one has the luxury of alienating any potential client. If the product were beer or guns or sporting goods or any other gender-specific stuff I’d agree that pics of hot-looking members of the opposite sex would probably be effective. But it’s sure to be a liability in such a vanilla market.

Copywriting is, in many ways, the art and science of systematically alienating large groups of potential clients, while getting radically increased chances of selling to a specific target market.

Now, I'm not QUITE sure what the Irvine housing market is like.

But it seems like the guy is renting a decent apartment, below market value, in a good location.

This isn't a McMansion. This thing isn't going to sit on the market for years, draining some poor family's bank account, for lack of a buyer.

As long as he grabs attention, and hits the basics, this thing is going to move.

Subtle's idea, while it may be anathema to your real estate sales sensibilities, is going to grab attention. It won't do the heavy lifting, or close the deal, but it'll get a lot of eager eyes to read the rest of the ad. Which in the craigslist marketplace, is the deal maker.

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Oxbloom

15 years ago

People who rent apartments all want the same things.

They want a safe location.
They want a hip, fun location.
They want a nice bathroom (preferably spa style).
They want a nice kitchen (preferably with granite countertops, new stainless steel appliances, and a general feel of "gourmet").
They want big closets.
They want hardwood floors.
They want an open feel, which if possible, ought to be describable as "loft style."
And they want as many of these things as they can possibly get at a reasonable price.

The actual structure and style of the living room, dining room, bedroom, hallways, building exterior, landscaping, etc., can all be a complete dumpster fire. Ignore them.

So yeah, get attention however you can. Subtle's idea is brilliant in this regard. Then hit up as many of the above as are relevant to you, while systematically ignoring every one of them that isn't. Pictures are key. Make sure nothing that breaks the spell enters the frame, ever.

(ETA: actually, forget the closets. You're preselecting a male demographic with the header graphic, and only females care about closets.)

Thanks

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Nick Brighton

15 years ago

I'm with Subtle. Look at the basic info provided, and you can almost see your target buyer. Trendy location, ONE BEDROOM apartment, furnished, fairly significant rent...

It screams of a professional, young - middle aged guy, who is, of course, single.

Of course, it COULD be sold to a women, or have previous female renters, but my money is on a larger male market who'd be interested in this place. And with a little digging, this proves interesting...

"Males had a median income of $45,059 versus $34,026 for females" - Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orange_...a#Demographics

It's a shot in the dark, but in this area, maybe more guys can afford to pay rent by themselves than women, generally speaking?

Of course, I'm not a property expert and don't even live in the same country, let alone state. But I am a single male who rents an apartment in a city, so I guess that counts for something.