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Take A Look At My Squeeze Page...

by SergeantJoe
10 replies
...If you wouldn't mind. I'm looking for any and all compliments or criticism. I've not read much on copywriting or the right way to form a squeeze page, so I'm pretty new to everything. Any help or insight will be greatly appreciated.

Bear in mind that I've not yet signed up with Aweber, so the form to input email addresses and such isn't up, yet. When I do put it up, it will be where that big open space on the right is. I just want to make sure I have the basics down before I waste twenty bucks a month on Aweber.

Again - Any and all help will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Address is in the signature...
#page #squeeze
  • Profile picture of the author J.Knight
    Ok SergeantJoe...

    First, your headline is way too wordy and uses difficult words when a simple one would do. Eg 'leveraging' instead of 'using'.

    Break the heading up into a primary heading and a sub heading. Check Online Success Cracked! to see what I mean.

    Secondly, you need to rewrite your copy and remove nearly every 'I'. 'You' is your friend.

    Lastly, you need to make sure your bullets are 'benefits' rather than 'features'. E.g. Your own personal blueprint is a feature. Tell me what your blueprint will do for me Why would I want it?

    Hope this helps!

    JK
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    • Profile picture of the author nair
      Originally Posted by J.Knight View Post

      First, your headline is way too wordy and uses difficult words when a simple one would do. Eg 'leveraging' instead of 'using'.
      Agreed. Your heading is way too long. Break it up in to two sentences, and use one as your heading, and the other as your sub heading.

      Try putting check-marks next to the benefits that they'll receive rather than arrows.

      Also, be more assertive when talking. Don't make your first sentence be about you. Make it about them, and how your product is going to change their life.

      Adding pictures would help also
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    • Profile picture of the author Mark Brock
      Originally Posted by J.Knight View Post

      Ok SergeantJoe...

      First, your headline is way too wordy and uses difficult words when a simple one would do. Eg 'leveraging' instead of 'using'.

      Break the heading up into a primary heading and a sub heading. Check Online Success Cracked! to see what I mean.

      Secondly, you need to rewrite your copy and remove nearly every 'I'. 'You' is your friend.

      Lastly, you need to make sure your bullets are 'benefits' rather than 'features'. E.g. Your own personal blueprint is a feature. Tell me what your blueprint will do for me Why would I want it?

      Hope this helps!

      JK

      I second this advice. Even though I can't comment on it yet as it isn't there, just make sure that the entire opt-in box is above the fold.

      Make sure it stands out and is the first thing that people's eyes are drawn to on that page.

      A long headline could detract from this.

      Best of luck
      Signature

      AWOL

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      • Profile picture of the author Loren Woirhaye
        This is a nicely laid-out page. The headline is totally yawn-inducing
        me-too hype. You'll have to target real newbies to get results
        because more seasoned people will totally ignore your offer.

        Its wordy too... which coupled with a lack of freshness is a problem.

        "Discover How Top Internet Webmasters Are Leveraging Article Marketing To Drive Hordes Of Targeted Traffic To Their Sites, Dominate Google, And Create An Endless Flow Of Profit, Completely On Autopilot..." (Discover How You Can Use Easy-To-Write Articles To Get Hordes Of Visitors To Your Site, Just Like The Big Shots Do It)

        "...Absolutely Free Of Charge!" (FREE!)

        Don't use jargon when targeting newbies. They don't know what dominating
        Google means nor do they understand what a webmaster does.

        Tell them how to be borderline-retarded and get rich without doing any thinking.
        That's what they want to know.
        Signature
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    I think overall, you've done a nice job. There are a couple of issues though. You don't need quotations around your headline. I guess it doesn't hurt, but they aren't necessary. And the ... dot dot dot thing is way overused. I'm seeing it more and more. It's usually used in place of a comma, and to imply something more was said at the end of a sentence or statement BTW. If it were my page I'd dump that also.

    As for the headline itself, I'd cut out "Dominate Google, And Create An Endless Flow of profit" and pick it back up with "Completely on Autopilot" The modified text would read:

    Discover How Top Internet Webmasters Are Leveraging Article Marketing To Drive Hordes Of Targeted Traffic To Their Sites Completely On Autopilot

    This sentence, "But with all of those paid products, I found disappointed and a lot less money in my wallet." It doesn't make sense to me.
    World Wide Web is considered a proper name and should be capitalized. Life chaning should be hypnenated: life-changing

    These are relatively small things. If I didn't have tons of stuff already on my hard drive I've never even opened, I'd sign up. Good luck!
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  • Profile picture of the author SergeantJoe
    Hey everyone.

    Thanks for all of the hints and tips. I took everything into consideration and came up with a brand new squeeze page. Check it out via the link in my signature and let me know if I've made improvements!

    I still haven't signed up for Aweber yet, so bear in mind the actual email input box is missing. It's pretty obvious to see where it will be when I do sign up, however - at the right side of the page where the big open spaces are.

    Thanks again.
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  • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
    Man, I liked the other one WAY better...
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  • Profile picture of the author SergeantJoe
    Really? I thought this one was a huge improvement in comparison to the last. What about this one don't you like as much?
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    • Profile picture of the author travlinguy
      Originally Posted by SergeantJoe View Post

      Really? I thought this one was a huge improvement in comparison to the last. What about this one don't you like as much?
      It's more the layout and initial feel because I don't remember the copy very well. This one looks sterile and not nearly as friendly or inviting as the last. It also has too much white space for my taste.
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  • Profile picture of the author SergeantJoe
    As I'll be removing the majority of the text, what should I replace those lines with?
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