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Professional Critque WANTED A FREE Gift For Your PROFESSIONAL Advice

by Joe Benjamin
14 replies
Before you scan through the copy, there are a few things I think
you should know BEFORE you read it so you have a better idea of
what I'm doing...

1. This is for a OFFLINE market. I'm bringing people from offline to
this online salespage (after they see my squeeze page) via post-
card marketing (direct mail -- in general).

2. Salespage is a REVAMP of the original (included below with my
version) to not only give it an updated feel and personality, but to
ultimately -- increase conversions from the standard 1% industry
avg. to 2%-3%

3. Thanks to Ray Edwards (Raydal - warrior handle) I included some
of his psychological techniques he talks about in a free copywriting
WSO you can find --HERE--.

He goes into FULL detail behind the REASON WHY certain words are
used and it made me a better (and more confident) writer.

5. Interested in only PROFESSIONAL opinions ONLY. I no longer take
advice from "would-be pretenders or poser" copywriters (and believe
me, I DO know the difference).

However, if you HAVE an opinion (from a customers perspective) I'm
open to hearing it.

6. I don't have an EGO to protect. I know this isn't a perfect sales
page (and it doesn't need to be), but I DO want it to perform at it's
best for my buyers who will use this system themselves and myself.

7. Lastly, I am WILLING to send you a copy of this system for you to
use YOURSELF (from PROFESSIONAL ADVICE) on my dime, AND I will
allow you to use the sales and squeezepage yourself to do your own
postcard marketing campaigns with this system.

...the least I can do for a form of "payment" for your advice. I know
it's not money, but direct mail is about as close to "printing the stuff"
as you possibly can get.

Just shoot me a PM

And before you ask...

yes, I HAVE done something almost identical to this system and it was
successful. The problem?

No control over a working system. I have control over THIS system and
my own product so I call the shots. A good experience. Taught me a
ton about direct mail, now this project is me flexing my wings and doing
it on my own.

Thank you to ALL who respond. I appreciate you taking the time to scan
over this, even if you choose not to respond. I'm not trying to "sell" the
course here and I will never offer it as a WSO. I don't care to. Direct Mail
is largely stress free (compared to online marketing) and I love it.
#advice #critque #free #gift #professional #wanted
  • Profile picture of the author arfasaira
    Hi,

    Your link to the sales page doesn't seem to work!
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  • Profile picture of the author Joe Benjamin
    SALESPAGE UP AND RUNNING
    Signature
    **How I FLIPPED $80 into $690 Pure Profit With ONE EASY Method...2 to 3x Per Week...Only 30 Minutes Per Day (and how YOU can COPY my RESULTS, too!) **CLICK HERE FOR VERIFIED VIDEO PROOF**
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  • Profile picture of the author Joe Benjamin
    Just wanted to make a quick update that salespage is up and running normally .
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    **How I FLIPPED $80 into $690 Pure Profit With ONE EASY Method...2 to 3x Per Week...Only 30 Minutes Per Day (and how YOU can COPY my RESULTS, too!) **CLICK HERE FOR VERIFIED VIDEO PROOF**
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  • Profile picture of the author RaptorGabe
    I would DEF suggest putting some Buy Now links further up in the Sales Letter, might help conversions a little. Also your main buy now button seems.....nonexsistence? might want to check on that maybe
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Benjamin
      Originally Posted by RaptorGabe View Post

      I would DEF suggest putting some Buy Now links further up in the Sales Letter, might help conversions a little. Also your main buy now button seems.....nonexsistence? might want to check on that maybe
      Thx Raptor,

      I had to fix the "buy button", but it wasn't there I'm sure while
      you were looking over it -- it's there now.

      I'm going to put another "buy now" button after the proof video
      (the proof video, btw, is from the creator of the system and the
      headline comes from his personal results).
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      **How I FLIPPED $80 into $690 Pure Profit With ONE EASY Method...2 to 3x Per Week...Only 30 Minutes Per Day (and how YOU can COPY my RESULTS, too!) **CLICK HERE FOR VERIFIED VIDEO PROOF**
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  • Profile picture of the author Oxbloom
    Originally Posted by WhoIsBenjamin View Post

    1. This is for a OFFLINE market. I'm bringing people from offline to
    this online salespage (after they see my squeeze page) via post-
    card marketing (direct mail -- in general).
    Any relevant demographics on the list(s) you'll be hitting?
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Benjamin
      Originally Posted by Oxbloom View Post

      Any relevant demographics on the list(s) you'll be hitting?
      No. There isn't. As far as the market I'm targeting, it's "home based business buyers".
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      **How I FLIPPED $80 into $690 Pure Profit With ONE EASY Method...2 to 3x Per Week...Only 30 Minutes Per Day (and how YOU can COPY my RESULTS, too!) **CLICK HERE FOR VERIFIED VIDEO PROOF**
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  • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
    I'm one Page-Down from the deck and I've noted about 5 grammatical errors... this thing needs a lot of work.

    More later.
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  • Profile picture of the author tgglenn
    Hey Josef, I'm definitely not a copy writing expert, but I did notice a couple of spelling/grammar boo-boos. Towards the top you use "to" instead of "too" to stress thinking to hard. Also "your" is spelled "yoru" below Step 2. I'm sure you were going to have it proof-read by someone else, cause they will see things we don't.

    I also might look at "bolding" your first mention of the product name just above the circled graphic with the $20 bills (it seems kinda lost squeezed in there) , and is that the name of the older product? Maybe a facsimile of a postcard with your products name would look good there also.

    The only other thing I see is the play button on the video is over to the left. Most of the vids I see have the play button right in the middle of the player.

    These are just some things I noticed and not trying to slam you or your partner. This definitely looks like a great product and should do very well. Hope this will help you in some way.
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    If all else fails.....stop using all else!!
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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Benjamin
      Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

      I'm one Page-Down from the deck and I've noted about 5 grammatical errors... this thing needs a lot of work.

      More later.
      I know. I know (sigh).

      Unfortunately, no software will pick up ALL the grammatical errors
      because sometimes the correct wording can be wrong if it's used
      out of context (ex. "to" instead of "too" are both spelled correctly
      but HOW it's used is what makes the difference).

      And..

      I know there are some obvious spelling mistakes, but I could spend
      all day trying to fix EVERY grammar mistake and never get anything
      done -- but I'm working on revamping my salespage to make it more
      "realistic" and personal per a few suggestions someone was cool
      enough to tell me about.

      Originally Posted by tgglenn View Post

      Hey Josef, I'm definitely not a copy writing expert, but I did notice a couple of spelling/grammar boo-boos. Towards the top you use "to" instead of "too" to stress thinking to hard. Also "your" is spelled "yoru" below Step 2. I'm sure you were going to have it proof-read by someone else, cause they will see things we don't.

      I also might look at "bolding" your first mention of the product name just above the circled graphic with the $20 bills (it seems kinda lost squeezed in there) , and is that the name of the older product? Maybe a facsimile of a postcard with your products name would look good there also.

      The only other thing I see is the play button on the video is over to the left. Most of the vids I see have the play button right in the middle of the player.

      These are just some things I noticed and not trying to slam you or your partner. This definitely looks like a great product and should do very well. Hope this will help you in some way.
      Thank you.

      The video to the left works the same as any other video. It's a photo
      bucket video. That's all.

      I'm not worried about being "slammed". I want honesty. When I'm doing
      business my feelings are almost "non-existent" so it's very rare for any-
      suggestion or honest critique to hurt my feelings when there are none to
      be hurt .

      If you want, feel free to share any other thoughts from a "customer
      perspective" if you like. It's all welcomed.
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      **How I FLIPPED $80 into $690 Pure Profit With ONE EASY Method...2 to 3x Per Week...Only 30 Minutes Per Day (and how YOU can COPY my RESULTS, too!) **CLICK HERE FOR VERIFIED VIDEO PROOF**
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    Yep...needs a bit of work - both in the formatting and the writing. I see what you're trying to do but I'm picking up a lot of negative vibes from the off. Words like "cheap"..."ugly"..."lame excuses". That tack can work if you were going hard at it like the old Rich Jerk stuff. But you're not consistent. And you could easily beef up those words by saying "penny postcards"..."butt-ugly"..."dime-a-dozen" for instance. And instead of insulting your reader with "lame excuses" say "Some very good reasons why you might be hesitant" - (just off the top of my head).

    And obviously clean up the grammar and spelling. It's "create yours" for starters. And "Your mouth WILL drop wide open".

    But all the stuff above the fold could be a lot stronger. You want the reader to instantly think "This sounds like just what I've been looking for". But the danger is you don't want it to sound like a typical too-good-to-be-true envelope-stuffing gig for single mums working from home.

    I could go on - but then I'd have to charge you.
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  • Profile picture of the author Drewry_Media
    In all things done online, everything needs work. There is much potential for this. Honestly, it needs a little more critiquing. But, it's not to say it has true potential.
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    Drewry l DNN
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  • Profile picture of the author Daniel Scott
    It's a big improvement over the original, but you definitely need to keep working on it.

    Your copy chops are sort of half-developed... there's half-cool stuff mixed in with bad cliches and a ton of errors.

    End result... it doesn't resonate with your target audience.

    One big tip I'll give you... look at this letter through the eyes of the most skeptical customer you can imagine.

    Even your prehead screams BS.

    (NOTE: I don't think you're BSing. I'm just saying that's how the letter reads. If I thought you were full of crap I wouldn't be trying to help out.)

    Once you hammer out the believability issues... and tighten up the writing (you have a TON of nasty errors) you'll probably have something serviceable, if not stellar.

    And if you're not a professional copywriter, that's pretty damn good going.

    -Daniel

    P.S. Include a guarantee, even if it's conditional. You'll make a lot more money, even allowing for the scammers. You won't be able to stop chargebacks anyway. What if my card's been stolen and an unauthorized purchase has been made?

    You won't stop refunds... and Chargebacks hurt. So why not include a guarantee in the first place?
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    Always looking for badass direct-response copywriters. PM me if we don't know each other and you're looking for work.

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    • Profile picture of the author Joe Benjamin
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      Yep...needs a bit of work - both in the formatting and the writing. I see what you're trying to do but I'm picking up a lot of negative vibes from the off. Words like "cheap"..."ugly"..."lame excuses". That tack can work if you were going hard at it like the old Rich Jerk stuff. But you're not consistent. And you could easily beef up those words by saying "penny postcards"..."butt-ugly"..."dime-a-dozen" for instance. And instead of insulting your reader with "lame excuses" say "Some very good reasons why you might be hesitant" - (just off the top of my head).

      And obviously clean up the grammar and spelling. It's "create yours" for starters. And "Your mouth WILL drop wide open".

      But all the stuff above the fold could be a lot stronger. You want the reader to instantly think "This sounds like just what I've been looking for". But the danger is you don't want it to sound like a typical too-good-to-be-true envelope-stuffing gig for single mums working from home.

      I could go on - but then I'd have to charge you.
      1. Thanks for pointing that out about the headline. I'm re-vamping it
      now to give it a more realistic feel.

      2. You're right. My writing style isn't consistent. I'm working on that
      right now. I learned it's better to write sections of the sales letter in
      "chunks" instead of "all on one word processor so it's easier to scan
      through and keep consistent.

      3. I changed the "lame excuses" approach and revamped it before I
      read your critique (didn't spot it until AFTER I wrote it 2 days ago,
      thx for point that out).

      4. Yes. The spelling errors I'm working on now.

      5. You're right about the "above the fold". I decided to put the proof
      video 1st, with the NEW headline and opening statement AFTER. It's
      a different approach than the typical headline first "before everything
      else" -- but I think it'll fit right with this offer.

      6. I sincerely appreciate your feedback. If you like, I can send you a
      copy of the guide to you. You don't even have to do anything with it
      UNTIL I tell you what my results are before you use it. Send me a PM
      if you want it -- thanks again for your help

      P.S. I'm revamping my salespage ENTIRELY with a LESS hypey feel to
      it. It should look a LOT better by the end of the day as I've been re-
      working it since yesterday. I'm not expecting a RE-critique, just letting
      those who gave your advice that I'm implementing as I write.

      Originally Posted by Drewry_Media View Post

      In all things done online, everything needs work. There is much potential for this. Honestly, it needs a little more critiquing. But, it's not to say it has true potential.
      Thank you. In the end, this is definitly temporary. I will no doubt pay
      someone in the warrior forum to re-write this salesletter. The ONLY
      reason I'm doing it is because I have a tight marketing budget, but I
      won't be for long.

      Originally Posted by Daniel Scott View Post

      It's a big improvement over the original, but you definitely need to keep working on it.

      Your copy chops are sort of half-developed... there's half-cool stuff mixed in with bad cliches and a ton of errors.

      End result... it doesn't resonate with your target audience.

      One big tip I'll give you... look at this letter through the eyes of the most skeptical customer you can imagine.

      Even your prehead screams BS.

      (NOTE: I don't think you're BSing. I'm just saying that's how the letter reads. If I thought you were full of crap I wouldn't be trying to help out.)

      Once you hammer out the believability issues... and tighten up the writing (you have a TON of nasty errors) you'll probably have something serviceable, if not stellar.

      And if you're not a professional copywriter, that's pretty damn good going.

      -Daniel

      P.S. Include a guarantee, even if it's conditional. You'll make a lot more money, even allowing for the scammers. You won't be able to stop chargebacks anyway. What if my card's been stolen and an unauthorized purchase has been made?

      You won't stop refunds... and Chargebacks hurt. So why not include a guarantee in the first place?

      "Your copy chops are sort of half-developed... there's half-cool stuff mixed in with bad cliches and a ton of errors."

      Thanks. It's been almost 2 years since I wrote copy for ANY product
      of my own (wso's don't count). I'm literally scanning through files and
      FILES of winning copy, ben settle stuff, dan lok stuff, Michele Fortin
      stuff, Clayton Makepiece stuff, etc.

      "End result... it doesn't resonate with your target audience.

      One big tip I'll give you... look at this letter through the eyes of the most skeptical customer you can imagine.

      Even your prehead screams BS.       "

      After looking back over it with a fresh pair of eyes. You're 100% right
      about it not resonating completely.

      Funny. I am imagining being the most skeptical customer. What would
      I think if I saw this letter for the first time...and there were too many
      alarms for me.

      The pre-head is going in the trash.

      "Once you hammer out the believability issues... and tighten up the writing (you have a TON of nasty errors) you'll probably have something serviceable, if not stellar.

      And if you're not a professional copywriter, that's pretty damn good going"

      I'm hammering them out like thor as I write this. It's tough as hell this
      copywriting, and it reminds me why I chose marketing as my profession,
      none the less -- I'm grateful I have even the slightest chance of making
      this a significantly BETTER and PROFITABLE letter than the original.

      I know the BEST way is to pay for copywriting service, and that I will
      do in a heartbeat in 3 weeks time.

      ...I appreciate the comment. No, I'm not a professional copywriter, but
      I did consider seriously doing it for a few months 2 years ago. I started
      off writing stuff out by hand and I have many books and printed off stuff
      I always go back to.

      I still got some mojo left, but hardly enough to think of myself as any
      where NEAR as you or others who DO do it professionally. I'm getting
      there, though -- the FIRST thing I'm doing is getting a revamp -- even
      if it costs me a few thousand to do.

      This is not only for ME, but for those who buy from me. So, it's critical
      I get this right so they can have a better converting salescopy to work
      with...even if it means coming out of my own pocket for a writer, I'm
      going to do it.

      Based on your response, I would ALSO like to send you a copy of the
      product you critque if you'd like one
      Signature
      **How I FLIPPED $80 into $690 Pure Profit With ONE EASY Method...2 to 3x Per Week...Only 30 Minutes Per Day (and how YOU can COPY my RESULTS, too!) **CLICK HERE FOR VERIFIED VIDEO PROOF**
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