Critique my copy pleeease

14 replies
Hi guys. Thanks for all the great advice.

I purchased the adweek handbook. I also went over the checklist in the sticky.

The purpose of this ad is to sell in person dating coaching. What do you think? It's for Craigslist.
--------------------------------

Learn to Attract Amazing Women Today

You can do it. I don't care how old you are, how tall you are or how fat you are or bald you are or anything in between.

I know a secret about women....

A great big secret.

They don't care either.

Attraction is a skill you can learn. It's more than your money or your status. It's not a mumbo jumbo Oprah book. It's a talent that takes practice. Charm is a skill set we are all born with, but have somehow forgotten. At some point life beat it out of us.

Let's find that charm together. Come hang out with me. I will demonstrate live, what it looks like to be good with women.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have fun. You deserve to be a man that women desire. You can be this guy; it just takes some practice and guidance from a pro.

"But I can learn this on my own. I don't need help."

If you do nothing...then that is what you will get...nothing. You will wait around passively to meet that special someone that will never arrive. Or you can take action today and email me for a consultation. I actually care! It pains me to see men missing out on life.

(Url)

"What if my friend's find out? It's sort of weird."

Yes. It's sort of weird. Deal with it. When you are basking in the attention of beautiful women your friends will still think you are weird. All coaching information is strictly confidential.

I'm a world class dating coach. Every day I teach men of all shapes and sizes, races and ages, how to meet and attract beautiful women.

My techniques work--absolutely. I know because I used to be loser. I drank too much and watched bad tv and cried myself to sleep. But I had enough! I discovered some basic skills and philosophies that made me instantly more attractive to women. It also gave me purpose and self esteem.

Now six years later; I'm here to teach you everything I know.

"This was a great experience. Tim keeps it real and targets your weaknesses. Everything you do is broken down so that you actually understand everything." S.C. 23, Montreal.

"I had an amazing time with Tim. He just knows how to teach. I've never met so many great women in one weekend. It changed my life!" R.B. 45. Vancouver.

Email me for a free consultation. Create the future you desire.

(website url)
#copy #critique #pleeease
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    [DELETED]
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153585].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Thanks for the tips Ross.

      I don't want it to be toooo long. Because Craigslist won't let you repost the same content twice in a week.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153615].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Originally Posted by Sebastion View Post

    Hi guys. Thanks for all the great advice.

    I purchased the adweek handbook. I also went over the checklist in the sticky.

    The purpose of this ad is to sell in person dating coaching. What do you think? It's for Craigslist.
    --------------------------------

    Learn to Attract Amazing Women Today

    You can do it. I don't care how old you are, how tall you are or how fat you are or bald you are or anything in between.

    I know a secret about women....

    A great big secret.

    They don't care either.

    Attraction is a skill you can learn. It's more than your money or your status. It's not a mumbo jumbo Oprah book. It's a talent that takes practice. Charm is a skill set we are all born with, but have somehow forgotten. At some point life beat it out of us.

    Let's find that charm together. Come hang out with me. I will demonstrate live, what it looks like to be good with women.

    You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have fun. You deserve to be a man that women desire. You can be this guy; it just takes some practice and guidance from a pro.

    "But I can learn this on my own. I don't need help."

    If you do nothing...then that is what you will get...nothing. You will wait around passively to meet that special someone that will never arrive. Or you can take action today and email me for a consultation. I actually care! It pains me to see men missing out on life.

    (Url)

    "What if my friend's find out? It's sort of weird."

    Yes. It's sort of weird. Deal with it. When you are basking in the attention of beautiful women your friends will still think you are weird. All coaching information is strictly confidential.

    I'm a world class dating coach. Every day I teach men of all shapes and sizes, races and ages, how to meet and attract beautiful women.

    My techniques work--absolutely. I know because I used to be loser. I drank too much and watched bad tv and cried myself to sleep. But I had enough! I discovered some basic skills and philosophies that made me instantly more attractive to women. It also gave me purpose and self esteem. put this at the top of your story.

    Now six years later; I'm here to teach you everything I know. And this near bottom, then explain why and what the possibilities are for them.

    "This was a great experience. Tim keeps it real and targets your weaknesses. Everything you do is broken down so that you actually understand everything." S.C. 23, Montreal.

    "I had an amazing time with Tim. He just knows how to teach. I've never met so many great women in one weekend. It changed my life!" R.B. 45. Vancouver.

    Email me for a free consultation. Create the future you desire.

    (website url)
    Consider a new headline, the one there just doesn't do much for you.

    Consider writing a huge benefit in X amount of time that alleviates the pain of walking up to a female.

    The problem is that it's craigslist and I don't know their character limits.

    Best,

    Ross
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153612].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    OK then try:

    Before You Hit On Another Female Click Here

    -Ross
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153653].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Originally Posted by Ross James View Post

      OK then try:

      Before You Hit On Another Female Click Here

      -Ross
      Oh that's a good one! Yeah because there are other guys on CL using the "Get any woman!" Headlines. They spam the **** out of it.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153713].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Originally Posted by Ross James View Post

      OK then try:

      Before You Hit On Another Female Click Here

      -Ross
      "The Secret To Success With Women Is Just A Click Away..."

      Or...

      "Who Knew Getting A Date Could Be This Easy?"

      I've done some work on Craigslist.

      You pretty much treat it like email marketing.

      BTW: nice headline, Ross.

      Best,

      Angel
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3157296].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Click Here creates call to action .

    Just so you know why I included it.

    Best,

    Ross
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153754].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Ok. How do I insert html links in craigslist?
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3153993].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Jason Carter
    Hi,

    I would post a headline something like a help wanted ad.

    example headline. . .

    WANTED! Single Chicago Woman Seeking Friendly Man

    I bet every man will read the thing because it looks like a woman wrote it.
    Also I would put the city the craiglist ad is running in , right in the ad like I did with Chicago.

    Later,
    Jason
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3154035].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author alcymart
    Your ad will require about 5 passes in order to become a killer one. Here's a first quick pass of your ad. I included 2 or 3 hypnotic lines to get them drooling a bit:

    Learn to Attract Your Dream Women Today!

    You can do it easily and effortlessly. Whether you are Old, Tall, Fat, Bald or anything in between.

    I Will Reveal to You a Hidden Secret about women….

    That's right, A Scoop! Listen closely...

    [THEY DON’T CARE!!]

    They don't care if you are too skinny, too fat, no hair or anything up and down and in between! Attraction is a skill You can learn Now!

    It’s more than about your money or your status. It’s not a Mumbo Jumbo Oprah book! It’s a talent that takes practice. Charm is a skill that You were born with, but over the years, have forgotten about. At some point life beat it out of You.

    Smile because Today I'm here to Help You!

    I will show you How to Unleash that Hidden Charm inside You that woman just Love and go Crazy about! I will even demonstrate to You Live how to Charm any Woman You want! She will be all over You... Think about it...

    You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have fun with a Woman too! You deserve to be a man that women Desire and fall for you in Total submission when they Meet you! You can be that man Today! It simply takes a little practice and guidance from a Pro.

    “But I can learn this on my own. I don’t need help.”

    Oh Really?, If you do nothing buddy…then that is what you will get…nothing! You will wait around passively to meet that special someone that will never come. Or you can take action today and simply e-mail me for a Free consultation. Yes, I Care! It pains me to see men missing out on life with all these beautiful babes waiting around!

    (Url)

    “What if my friend’s find out? It’s sort of weird.”

    Remember, it's a Secret! Keep it to yourself along with all the Woman you will meet! When you are basking in the attention of beautiful women, will your friends still think you are weird? All coaching information is strictly and secretly confidential. Only You will Know!

    Every single day, I teach men of all shapes and sizes, races and ages, how to meet and attract women of their Dreams!

    My techniques are documented and proven! You will Discover some very basic skills and philosophies that will instantly make you more attractive to women! It will also give you purpose and raise Your self-esteem!

    You could Learn my Fool-Proof method Today!

    Testimonials:
    “This was a great experience. Tim keeps it real and targets your weaknesses. Everything you do is broken down so that you actually understand everything.” S.C. 23, Montreal.

    “I had an amazing time with Tim. He just knows how to teach. I’ve never met so many great women in one weekend. It changed my life!” R.B. 45. Vancouver.

    Visit my Web site and E-mail me for a Free consultation. Meet the Woman of your Dreams Now!

    (website url)
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3154079].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      Often... when learning to write better copy, you can edit your own to make it stronger.

      Your main 'offer' or 'selling point' here is... Attraction Is A Skill You Can Learn Now.

      When editing, especially to develop good headlines... you will often find your strongest point a couple of paragraphs in... as you've warmed up.

      And as you can see in your copy, after many words... you hit the nail on the head...

      Attraction Is A Skill You Can Learn Now
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3155428].message }}
      • Profile picture of the author alcymart
        Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord View Post

        Often... when learning to write better copy, you can edit your own to make it stronger.

        Your main 'offer' or 'selling point' here is... Attraction Is A Skill You Can Learn Now.

        When editing, especially to develop good headlines... you will often find your strongest point a couple of paragraphs in... as you've warmed up.

        And as you can see in your copy, after many words... you hit the nail on the head...

        Attraction Is A Skill You Can Learn Now

        I agree, it is the main point, I was juggling on that point for a while before settling with the revamped draft copy. It's up to him to keep some of it or not.
        {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3155758].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Sebastion, I just had another idea that will help you. On craigslist people are more likely to click on ads that say pic inside, or pic included, so make sure you include a picture.

    Best,

    Ross
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3156438].message }}
  • Profile picture of the author Jess Alexander
    Maybe something more direct:
    "Get her in bed tonight. Guaranteed."
    {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3157336].message }}
    • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
      Thanks guys. I posted it. Let's see what happens now.
      {{ DiscussionBoard.errors[3157929].message }}

Trending Topics