How Can This Header Be Better?? (Headline Help)

You could try making it a little bit more irresistible than it currently is Shabit.

Here's a suggestion for you...

In the next hour, try to write out at least 25 benefit driven headlines. That's approximately 1 every 2 minutes, so you better get cracking.

When you've done that, pick out which one's you think are best and post them up here for us to tear at them like mad rabid dogs.

This current one is well... a non starter.

Thanks
1 reply

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shabit87 13 years ago

Thanks everyone its back to the drawing board for me!
- Thanks
- 1 reply
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- OutOfThisWord 13 years ago
  
  Unless I know what you are selling... and to who (me)... there is no reason to read further.
  
  Brother where art thou?
  
  Thanks
  
  1 reply
  
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  shabit87 13 years ago
  
  Originally Posted by OutOfThisWord
  
  Unless I know what you are selling... and to who (me)... there is no reason to read further.
  
  Brother where art thou?
  
  Not exactly sure if you mean this for the thread or the heading itself, but I'll take this as I need to have the Headline be more enticing to read further.
  
  Thanks either way :-)
  
  Thanks
  
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Carol_A

13 years ago

"Discover The Money-Saving Method That Allows Me. . . "

To finish, choose something that would appeal to all ages, all religious profiles, etc.

I would be turned off by your original headline because I have had bad experiences related to alcohol (during my childhood), so it has a negative connotation for me.

Personally, I am put off by vulgarity, profanity, etc.

There are many creative ways to communicate. You would grab the attention of more potential customers if you didn't speak to a too specific (drinking) group of people.

Just my 2¢

Thanks
1 reply

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Carol Amato

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shabit87

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Carol_A

"Discover The Money-Saving Method That Allows Me. . . "

To finish, choose something that would appeal to all ages, all religious profiles, etc.

I would be turned off by your original headline because I have had bad experiences related to alcohol (during my childhood), so it has a negative connotation for me.

Personally, I am put off by vulgarity, profanity, etc.

There are many creative ways to communicate. You would grab the attention of more potential customers if you didn't speak to a too specific (drinking) group of people.

Just my 2¢

Excellent point, thank you! Your 2 cents was very valuable in this case ;-)

Thanks
1 reply

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Bruce Wedding

13 years ago

Originally Posted by shabit87

Excellent point, thank you! Your 2 cents was very valuable in this case ;-)

It is not really an excellent point at all. If you try to please everyone, you'll please no one. There is nothing wrong with targeting your audience and if your audience is drinkers, hit 'em with it. There's nothing wrong with this headline at all if your target audience is college-aged boys, though Mary Kay is not going to like it:

"5 Killer Tricks to Kick Ass At Quarters... Even When You're Shiţfaced!"

[ 2 ] Thanks
1 reply

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shabit87

13 years ago

Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding

It is not really an excellent point at all. If you try to please everyone, you'll please no one. There is nothing wrong with targeting your audience and if your audience is drinkers, hit 'em with it. There's nothing wrong with this headline at all if your target audience is college-aged boys, though Mary Kay is not going to like it:

"5 Killer Tricks to Kick Ass At Quarters... Even When You're Shiţfaced!"

LMAO nice heading example! But sadly my target isn't college-aged men. Darn!

Thanks
1 reply

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ewenmack

13 years ago

Originally Posted by shabit87

LMAO nice heading example! But sadly my target isn't college-aged men. Darn!

Ryan, You have told us who your target audience isn't,
can you tell us who are?

Untill we know, we are only firing arrows at a non existant target.

All the best,
Ewen

Thanks
1 reply

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shabit87

13 years ago

Originally Posted by ewenmack

Ryan, You have told us who your target audience isn't,
can you tell us who are?

Untill we know, we are only firing arrows at a non existant target.

All the best,
Ewen

Target Audience, marketers using a source that requires a small investment each time the source is used

Thanks
1 reply

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Collette 13 years ago

Originally Posted by shabit87

Target Audience, marketers using a source that requires a small investment each time the source is used

That is not A Target.

That is A Universe.

Drill down.

Tell me EXACTLY who your reader is.

For example: Is your reader...

- Male/Female?
- 18 - 29 yrs old? 30 - 40? 45 - 60? 60+?
- Annual income of <$10K? <$25K? <$100K?
- Lives in a suburb? Lives in a city?
- Has a mortgage and kids? Or lives in parent's basement apt, rent-free?
- Has been using the Internet for years? Just recently? Still struggling to attach a file to their email?
- Knows what "FB" stands for? Or thinks "LOL" means "Lots of Love"?
- Has a brick-and-mortar biz? Never been self-employed? Employed now, but wants extra $$/wants to replace salary? Doesn't want to be 'employed' at all?

... and so on.

Develop an actual picture of EXACTLY who you're talking to. Using your bar analogy, imagine you've just met this person in a bar... What would they look like, how would the conversation go, and what would you say to them to help them solve their problem?

P.S. If you want to sell anything to this 'target prospect', he is NOT the drunk dropout slumped over at the end of the bar at 10 a.m.
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- 247Copywriter 13 years ago
  
  You beat me to it Collette. Darn sleep always gets in the way.
  
  Shabit, who specifically is your target audience?
  
  Describe this person/s...
  
  Thanks
  
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Carol_A

13 years ago

shabit87: Is your target audience college-age drinking boys?

Thanks

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Carol Amato

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waffle_pancakes

13 years ago

Discover The Money-Saving Method That Allows Me To Use The $30 I Would Have Paid to ____ and Buy All My Broke Friends Shots At The Bar

How about using negatives?

Something like: Discover the exact reason why all your friends can afford to be drunk at the bar all day - EXCEPT YOU!

I don't know. Came up with it in a few minutes. Could be better.

Thanks
2 replies

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I should build an e-commerce site that only sells waffles. And maybe pancakes.

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shabit87

13 years ago

Originally Posted by waffle_pancakes

How about using negatives?

Something like: Discover the exact reason why all your friends can afford to be drunk at the bar all day - EXCEPT YOU!

I don't know. Came up with it in a few minutes. Could be better.

LOL its cool thanks, any help is appreciated

Thanks

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Ross James

13 years ago

Originally Posted by waffle_pancakes

How about using negatives?

Something like: Discover the exact reason why all your friends can afford to be drunk at the bar all day - EXCEPT YOU!

I don't know. Came up with it in a few minutes. Could be better.

I don't mean to sound harsh but that's worse than the OP headline. If your message is that they can't afford to be broke. Your basically saying, "haha your friends are at the bar except you're not cuz your broke lol."

Thanks

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alcymart

13 years ago

Start by turning all the "me's" and "I's" into "You's" and "Your's" would be a good start.

People only care about what's in it for them (Benefits) from the very first line. And get the word "broke" out a there...

Take care,

Bernard St-Pierre

Thanks

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7 Easy Steps to Earn From Home $500-$17,750 Per Month!

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brandonacox

13 years ago

Keywords aren't just good for Google, they're good for the human brain too. We scan long text looking for them, but when I scan your long text, I don't see any benefit-oriented words that jump out at me. I'd do something like...

Save Big Money Every Time You Use This Trick/Tip/Tool.

Your sentence should probably occur somewhere down the page. Use the top 600 pixels to grab those who will click your Buy button in 10 seconds or less.

Thanks

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How Can This Header Be Better?? (Headline Help)

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