Think you've got copywriting chops - how would you improve this?

by Rezbi
14 replies
It's pretty simple and straightforward but can you improve it? Keep in mind I'm not asking for a critique.

Also, so you know, it's not mine:



The Mobile Phone That Makes It Easier To Socialise


If you use Facebook, Skype, Windows Live Messenger, among many other social sites... this is the ideal phone for you.

The INQ¹ is not just any old web phone - It's designed to keep you in touch with others.

I've had this phone for just under a year and it's worked great. Couldn't be happier (Unless someone left me a few million in their will).

If it's so good, why am I selling it?

Good question.

I just got a new phone and I don't need this one any more. It's really that simple.

The phone you're bidding on is in perfect working order.

However, I feel compelled to let you know that there are a few scratches, both on the case and the screen. But it doesn't affect the use of the phone in any way.

Also, as it has been used, the standby is approximately one day and talk time is about one hour of continuous use. It has 50MB internal memory and comes with a 3.2 Megapixel Camera.

Please keep those things in mind when you bid. I think you'll find it's a small price to pay for such a great phone.

Go and check it out yourself and I think you'll agree.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention... here's what you get when you win the bid on this phone:

INQ¹ Social Phone (Black) on the 3 network
Charger
Earpiece
Battery
USB cable with driver CD
Manual on how to use all the functions of the phone.

And they all come in the original box.

Just so you know, this phone is currently going on Amazon for £80.00 on pay as you go.

One last thing: Please check the description properly as I will not accept any returns.

As soon I get payment I will send the item by Special Delivery - That means it's tracked and you get it by noon the next day, guaranteed.

There's no reserve, so happy bidding.

UK BIDDERS ONLY PLEASE - I WILL NOT SEND THIS ITEM OVERSEAS.
#improve
  • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
    I don't get it: Usually there's a flurry of people trying to show what they're made of.

    No suggestions on this one?

    Stumped?
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    • Profile picture of the author RickDuris
      Originally Posted by Rezbi View Post

      I don't get it: Usually there's a flurry of people trying to show what they're made of.

      No suggestions on this one?

      Stumped?
      Try this: eBay Research Tools, eBay Market Data | Terapeak

      Best eBay research on the planet. There's also one for the US.

      You'll be able to see what the product ultimately sold at, the copy used and the competition.

      - Rick Duris
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    [DELETED]
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    • Profile picture of the author Alex Cohen
      Oh, okay, I'll play.

      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

      The Mobile Phone That Wipes Your Butt

      If you use the toilet... at work, at school or at the shopping mall... this is the ideal phone for you.

      The POOP¹ is not just any old crap phone... it's designed to free you from the need for toilet paper when you do a "number two"... wherever you are.

      I've had this phone for just under a year and it's worked great. Couldn't be happier (unless of course I had a personal butler to wipe me).

      If it's so good, why am I selling it?

      Good question.

      I just got a colostomy and I don't need it any more. It's really that simple.

      <snip>

      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

      LOL

      Alex
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Yeah, Alex has it. You can polish a turd but at the end of the day it's still a turd!

    -Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author virginiad
    Much too wordy
    Signature

    Virginia Drew


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  • Profile picture of the author Scott Murdaugh
    For an average guy selling the phone on ebay I think it's fine.

    I don't get the social media hook in the headline, but whatever.

    There are some things you really don't need much copy to sell. A used cell phone is a good example...

    They want to know what model, the specs, and how much. That's all they need.

    The scratches on the screen is just the guy being honest, and someone looking for a good deal on a cheap phone will respect that.

    But we're talking about probably a $20 used phone on Ebay here. You could bring in a team of a-list copywriters to create the ad, split test them like crazy, and chances are you're still only getting $20 (or whatever it's worth on the open market) for the phone.

    It is what it is.

    Example of great copy? No.

    Good enough to sell a cellphone on ebay? Probably.

    Could a pro improve it? Yes, but we're not talking a big enough difference in response to matter.

    -Scott
    Signature

    Over $30 Million In Marketing Data And A Decade Of Consistently Generating Breakthrough Results - Ask How My Unique Approach To Copy Typically Outsells Traditional Ads By Up To 29x Or More...

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    • Profile picture of the author DonFinch
      [DELETED]
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      • Profile picture of the author reapr
        I have sold thousands of items on eBay and also as an affiliate.

        I think I would do the headline ....

        >The Mobile Cell Phone that Doesn't Suck!

        People will be a bit more curious as to why ...

        That way you can talk about the phone and get more clicks to the actual ad. Nobody wants a phone that sucks either way they will likely be curious as to why and check out the ad.

        It would also be a good idea to get rid of I, I, I me me me I I I and talk more in terms of the phone and what it can do for its new owner.

        Get rid of just under a year and mention from the actual dates ... A phone a year old! Several months may be better.

        If the phone comes with a lot of accessories or was a special package that came with the works I would try.

        > The Mobile Cell Phone that Doesn't Suck! - Comes Loaded!

        Otherwise the ad is fine for just a typical eBay ad.
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        • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
          The Famous Phone

          Oh those were the days, snapping the stars
          while, drunk, disorderly and dangerous to their reputation.

          This one is of David Beckham in the toilets with that tart who use to be the hired hand.

          MY, my, Posh wasn't lady-like when she saw those photos. "Wash out your mouth with soap Victoria!"

          Blah blah blah

          ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

          This is a case of riding celebrity.

          A handbag picked up in a bar by an All Black rugby player,
          was used to slap his teammate.

          The story broke out into the newspapers.

          Owner of plain label handbag auctions it online and it sells
          many, many times more than the new replacement cost.

          All by telling the handbag was part of a history making story.

          Make up a story that your phone was part of celebrity history making.

          All the best,
          Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author The Copy Nazi
    Banned
    This phone has a history

    The first day I got this phone some ding-a-ling rang me and said

    "That you Harry?"

    ah no...you have the wrong number

    "I know it's you Harry and I'm coming over to sort you out"

    Pardon? Look I'm not Harry. You have the wrong number.

    "I've got your dog Harry. Hear this" (sound of dog being hit and yelping in pain)

    Listen...I don't know who you are but I'm not the person you're looking for and I really don't think...

    Sound of gun going off

    That shook me up. I mean really freaked me out. And I was worried about the guy having my number.

    A week goes by. The phone rings. You know what's coming next don't you? No it's not the dog-killer. It's a girl. She purrs "Harry darling...."

    Look this is not Harry. I've only had this phone for a week. I've no idea who Harry is. You have the wrong number.

    "That's all right sweetie...I understand...you can't talk...listen I left that money for you"

    What money? Look I'm not who you think I am. You have the wrong number.

    "That's cool...you know the big oak by the lake - on The Serpentine? Where we met last time? I left it there. You just have to reach inside the trunk. It's not all there - I'm short 10k but there's 25k there ok? Gotta run. Thanks Harry" (Click)

    So what would you do huh? Yeah I went to the lake. Now I just want to get rid of this bloody phone. But I figure the next 10k will be coming due soon. Or maybe not. Who knows? But all I want is Fifty Quid for this almost new phone.

    It's a INQ¹ Social Phone (Black) on the 3 network
    Charger
    Earpiece
    Battery
    USB cable with driver CD
    Manual on how to use all the functions of the phone.

    And it's in the original box.

    You can keep the 10k. Deal?

    p.s. if the dog-killer calls tell him I've emigrated to Australia.
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    • Profile picture of the author David Babineau
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      This phone has a history



      The first day I got this phone some ding-a-ling rang me and said

      "That you Harry?"

      ah no...you have the wrong number

      "I know it's you Harry and I'm coming over to sort you out"

      Pardon? Look I'm not Harry. You have the wrong number.

      "I've got your dog Harry. Hear this" (sound of dog being hit and yelping in pain)

      Listen...I don't know who you are but I'm not the person you're looking for and I really don't think...

      Sound of gun going off

      That shook me up. I mean really freaked me out. And I was worried about the guy having my number.

      A week goes by. The phone rings. You know what's coming next don't you? No it's not the dog-killer. It's a girl. She purrs "Harry darling...."

      Look this is not Harry. I've only had this phone for a week. I've no idea who Harry is. You have the wrong number.

      "That's all right sweetie...I understand...you can't talk...listen I left that money for you"

      What money? Look I'm not who you think I am. You have the wrong number.

      "That's cool...you know the big oak by the lake - on The Serpentine? Where we met last time? I left it there. You just have to reach inside the trunk. It's not all there - I'm short 10k but there's 25k there ok? Gotta run. Thanks Harry" (Click)

      So what would you do huh? Yeah I went to the lake. Now I just want to get rid of this phone. But I figure the next 10k will be coming due soon. Or maybe not. Who knows? But all I want is Fifty Quid for this almost new phone.

      It's a INQ¹ Social Phone (Black) on the 3 network
      Charger
      Earpiece
      Battery
      USB cable with driver CD
      Manual on how to use all the functions of the phone.

      And it's in the original box.

      You can keep the 10k. Deal?

      Well done. Reads like Peterman.
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    • Profile picture of the author markbyrne
      Originally Posted by Metronicity View Post

      This phone has a history
      Mal, I have some ice cubes I'm selling to the Inuits next summer. Cheque's in the post mate.
      Signature
      Want a stable business in the craft niche? Get started with our MYLAR stencils! UK seller, and made in the UK!

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  • Profile picture of the author Johnny12345
    The INQ¹ is not just any old web phone - It's designed to keep you in touch with others.
    I must be confused. Isn't that what ALL phones are designed to do?

    John
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    • Profile picture of the author Rezbi
      Originally Posted by Johnny12345 View Post

      I must be confused. Isn't that what ALL phones are designed to do?

      John
      Nope. Mine just sings me to sleep.
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  • Profile picture of the author Jess Alexander
    The Mobile Phone That Makes It Easier To Socialise
    Just play up the Bolshevik angle. Or the Obama angle, if you swing that way.
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