Please Critique this Sales Letter (help wanted!)

19 replies
looking for 100% honest, upfront opinion on this sales letter.. What it's missing, is it long enough, what's wrong, how it can be improved..


Sales Letter


Also, after you read, let me know if you feel including a narration audio of the ebook, additional motivational audio, workout music, and / or ebook bonuses would be benefitial to conversions..


Expert input on this will be EXTREMELY appreciated...

thanks
#critique #letter #sales #wanted
  • Profile picture of the author Collette
    Added to which, apparently you're talking to the morbidly obese. Most of us could lose a few pounds, but... 150? That's more than I weigh now.

    No point in going through the whole letter. There is too much wrong to "improve". This can not be saved. It's DOA in this market.
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    • Profile picture of the author OutOfThisWord
      It's all over the place...

      Top secret dieting techniques? Since when.

      And you only address a narrow audience with 150 pounds.

      Look, if you want to go after this niche hire a professional writer.

      One of the biggest mistakes IMers make is trying to do everything yourself.

      Find what you are good at... finding niches... understanding code... managing a bunch of sites... whatever...

      ...and outsource everything else.

      Otherwise, you will spend a lot of time... and in the end, more money... going nowhere.
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      • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
        Blimey!

        Not much more I can add to that. Says it all.

        It's a non starter. Conversions will be a big FAT zero - guaranteed.

        Employ a professional copywriter immediately. You simply do not have the skill to make it. You'll be wasting your time trying.

        Here is a real master at work in the same niche...

        Vin Montello wrote this...

        http://www.FatBurningFurnace.com

        Consistently for many months now, at the top of Clickbank.

        Don't whatever you do, copy it.

        Put it in your swipe file only.

        And learn from it, how to hit this niche for six.
        Signature
        --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
        http://www.IMCopywriting.com
        Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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    • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
      Originally Posted by Collette View Post

      Added to which, apparently you're talking to the morbidly obese. Most of us could lose a few pounds, but... 150? That's more than I weigh now.

      No point in going through the whole letter. There is too much wrong to "improve". This can not be saved. It's DOA in this market.

      GLad you said this about the headline... I felt the same way.. Makes me feel good to know others agree with me... The product is not aimed at the morbidly obese, it's aimed at ANYONE... so the headline saying "lose 150 pounds" was the first red flag for me...


      Ahhhh, losing 200 bucks never felt so good.. I'm learning.... it's the price of a lesson
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      • Profile picture of the author Ross James
        Originally Posted by Jusumax View Post

        GLad you said this about the headline... I felt the same way.. Makes me feel good to know others agree with me... The product is not aimed at the morbidly obese, it's aimed at ANYONE... so the headline saying "lose 150 pounds" was the first red flag for me...


        Ahhhh, losing 200 bucks never felt so good.. I'm learning.... it's the price of a lesson
        Well you really didn't lose $200 - I mean you could look at it that way but that's not the right attitude. Take that letter back to the dude and kindly ask him to rewrite it, let him know up front that you've got negative feedback on the warrior forum. I know Ben Settle for instance sometimes allows months at a time to write a letter, tell him he clearly needs to spend more time with it. If he doesn't want to rewrite it, tell him you'll walk away friends, once he deposits the money back into your account.

        -Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    You forgot the part where you tell them it's not their fault and shift all of the blame onto the food industry. it's really lacking a story I felt, this is my opinion.

    -Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Kay Brasher
    It is very well designed but, I felt that it was too long.
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    • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
      Originally Posted by Kay Brasher View Post

      It is very well designed but, I felt that it was too long.
      It's a Google document, how can it be well designed?

      And of the length of it Kay...

      What length do you believe it should be and why?
      Signature
      --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
      http://www.IMCopywriting.com
      Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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      • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
        WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

        First off, I want to thank everyone who responded...


        Guys, here is a little secret:

        The person who wrote this letter was a professional writer... From the warrior forum... And had TONS .... no wait, TONS of good reviews for writing assignments; sales letters, among other things..

        I didn't want to come outright and say I wrote it myself, because then I felt their would be some bias either way...


        So, it confirms what I thought... I pretty much just wasted $200..
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        • Profile picture of the author Bruce Wedding
          Originally Posted by Jusumax View Post

          WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

          The person who wrote this letter was a professional writer... From the warrior forum... And had TONS .... no wait, TONS of good reviews for writing assignments; sales letters, among other things..

          So, it confirms what I thought... I pretty much just wasted $200..
          Just goes to show... you get what you pay for. Add 2 zeroes to the number and Vin will write you one. Sounds expensive right? Well, fatburningfurnace.com is doing MILLIONS per year. I bet they think Vin is dirt cheap.
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          • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
            Originally Posted by Bruce Wedding View Post

            Just goes to show… you get what you pay for. Add 2 zeroes to the number and Vin will write you one. Sounds expensive right? Well, fatburningfurnace.com is doing MILLIONS per year. I bet they think Vin is dirt cheap.
            Yea, I can understand Mr. Bruce. It's just that, gee, honestly, at $200, I would expect a little more than a glorified article. That's just to be honest, but you know what? You live and you learn. And like I said, saw lots of great reviews... Who knows what happened, dose'nt matter at this point.
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  • Profile picture of the author 247Copywriter
    Jusamax...

    Dale Carnegie stated in the 1930's...

    "You'll make far more friends in two months than you will in twenty years by taking an interest in other people." (Or words to that effect)

    This adage is just as true, perhaps even more importantly so, when it comes to selling via the written word.

    Jusamax, what do these letters mean? Let's get you doing some of the work here.

    WIIFM - What do these letters stand for? You tell me. Come on, tell me down below....

    I, I, I, I, I, I, I, do you know... have you counted how many times you've mentioned the word, 'I' in your attempt at a sales letter here?

    Tell me what the ratio is between your use of the word 'I', to the much more important use of the words 'you' and 'your' within this 'sales letter'.

    Could you learn something from this?

    If so, what might this be?

    And whilst we're at it, your headline is as weak as gnats piss. And your spelling too, leaves a great deal to be desired.

    When you've spent a fortnight tidying this up, bring it back here for another critique.

    In the meantime, read a few of the recommended copywriting books at the top of the sticky threads.
    Signature
    --->----->----->----->-----> MarkAndrews IMCopywriting <-----<-----<-----<-----<---
    http://www.IMCopywriting.com
    Mark@IMCopywriting.com
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean Ladyman
    Hi, I have not been able to view, maybe you have disconnected the link? I would be happy to assist you with the writing, if you contact me I can write copy for you, this is something I enjoy doing and quite willing to assist for free, and with no copyright restriction, if you are happy with what I provide for you, you can take as your own.
    Signature
    SeanLadyman.
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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    if you only paid $200 for it, it was worth your $200. Consider it insurance.

    -Ross
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  • Profile picture of the author Sean Ladyman
    Hey Jusumax, thanx for getting back to me, it seems I have not posted enough in order to earn the privellege to write mail to you! So, here is a copy and paste of our conversation:

    Hello, yep send to 'realitynetworkersuccess@gmail.com' please, as much info as you would like included, also any specific actions that you would like your readers to take would be helpful, any other notes that you may like to attach, please give me approx 5 days to complete, you are welcome to message me here or at my e-mail, I am not a professional copywriter, but I love writing, cannot give any assurances, do not expect any income from this, but hey, neither of us can lose!

    Nice to meet you at WF. If it works out, perhaps you could give me a review!

    Sean




    Originally Posted by Jusumax

    Hi, I saw your response to my thread in the copywriting forum.

    Do you have an email address where I could email you the document?


    To be honest with you, I'd never take something from someone, make money off of it and not compensate. If you honestly enjoy writing, and you wrote me a nice letter, and I posted it on warrior for a critique and they think the letter is kickass, and I put it on my site and it converts, I'd be so happy I'd fly to wherever you are and put $500 or whatever in your hand on the back end, just as a thank you gift (even though paypal would be easier lol).. That's just the type of person I am..

    Get back with me

    Thanks
    Signature
    SeanLadyman.
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  • Profile picture of the author Pusateri
    What? No P.P.P.P.S?

    worldsworstsalesletter.com is available.

    Maybe your can make a bit of ad revenue and do a public service at the same time.

    Really, that thing is incredible. Thanks for sharing.
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    • Profile picture of the author MarketingVet09
      Originally Posted by Pusateri View Post

      What? No P.P.P.P.S?

      worldsworstsalesletter.com is available.

      Maybe your can make a bit of ad revenue and do a public service at the same time.

      Really, that thing is incredible. Thanks for sharing.

      A shame...
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