My first sales page and I need the input of Experts

It needs a new headline. No one wants to know why they failed, they want to know how you can help them succeed. That's as far as I got, because until you change that that's probably as far as your readers are going to get.

the headline reads like a soft sub head, it's basically not worthy of the large over-sized font. and I disagree with seth for the most part, you have to stir up emotions in hopes of increasing response. I for sure would like to know right up front why I may have failed at something.

-Ross

It comes from a tribe in new guinea and it means with practice we put the skills we learn into the muscle and only when we do that we get rewarded for the things we learn from the neck up.

Best,

Ross

Hi Everyone,
First thanks for all the great suggestions and input.

Grazina, you don't sound like a nagging you know who. I asked for your input and you gave it. Since I have no real experience in writing sales pages copy OR web design I have a huge learning curve but that is why I am a member of the WF and I appreciate you taking the time to help.

ewenmack: that is a great distinciton to consider, man v.s. women and obviously I hadn't thought about that. I accept your challenge to do the research...the "quest" begins today..

ross and seth: thanks for the input. Any advice and suggestions you give will increase my understanding of copywriting.

Here is a general question: are their any copywriting seminars, tutorial, guides that would be "required" reading/attending for a novice like me? The old saying "practice makes perfect" obviously applies to copywriting but it is always helpful to understand what you should be practicing.

Again, thanks to everyone for giving their input and suggestions.

Jim Cooper

Hi Jim,

A few comments from taking a quick look:

1. First, how is this different than everything else out there on weight loss? Why is your solution going to work when nothing else did?

2. Don't sell lifestyle changes. Sell a simple plan that fits into the client's existing life.

For instance, your first bullet is, "How You Can Eat Vegetarian and Eat Healthy."

If you haven't lost your target audience before this... this sealed the deal.

This is not to say this is wrong or bad advice. The trouble is that a good chunk of your audience may associate any food that's green as the plague.

Instead, it's going to be much easier to sell that the client gets to still eat their favorite yummy foods and still lose weight -- or some variation of that idea.

For instance, in the nutra-system commercials, they show pictures of favorite dishes, including deserts. So, while the client may really be making a dramatic change... it's not taking away everything he or she knows and loves.

3. Build-up who exactly these experts are. Why can't I just hire any nutritionist or personal trainer? Why do these guys stand-out?

What's more, how exactly does this expertise translate into getting the client results?

For instance, maybe it's a personal trainer who's known for whipping even the most out of shape couch potatoes into shape.

4. Get full names, pictures, and preferably before/after pictures for testimonials.

Finally, consider this a VERY rough draft and either work your butt off to make sure it's done right or invest in a pro. You're in an ultra-competitive market and you're not just competing against other info products with top level copy, but you're competing against major supplement sellers, nutrasystem, and on and on. Traffic isn't gonna' come cheap or easy.

Study weight-loss infomercials. Talk one-on-one with friends or family who are overweight. See how they respond to your claims.

Weak, amateur graphics.
Weak headline.
Weak opening.
Pathetic testimonials.

Boring

What I would do, is go to Google and type in the most popular keywords for weightloss and see which sites are on the first page and look at the adword ads to find which sites have the most appeal. Researching and finding the best weightloss sites you can find online will give you better ideas for your graphics and sales copy.

"rip off your belly fat"?

I love visceral but I don't think that works.

It's not my optin. Heck, I didn't even spend more than a couple minutes on that headline.

-Ross

I appreciate Bruce’s knowledge, and you can see my thanks under his post, too. But I know that asking for help takes courage, and it makes you vulnerable. Being mean to someone who needs your help and appreciates your knowledge, or skills, or strength is simply not OK. And predicting that someone will fail is wrong.

Grazina. If at any point you let your ego get in the way of your writing or salesmanship you're almost certain to hold your sales back too. You just can't mix the two in sales, well that is when you let your ego do the wrong thing for you. I don't encourage putting people down but I sincerely believe that no critique should be a pleasant one. I post headlines, offer advice not only to help people but to also hear what I'm doing wrong with the pros. You think it bothers me when they point out my mistakes? No, not at all. Let it rip, it stays with me longer once I can anchor a negative response about my mistakes or anything in general. As humans we're engineered to want to avoid ever feeling negative vibes, so a negative critique would stick longer with me than a positive one. This is why I think a critique should never be a fully pleasant one, especially if there is something that needs attention.

Best,

Ross

Jim,

Congrats on taking action, and on having the courage to ask for help.

There ARE in fact many ways your site and your copy could be improved, and some were suggested already.

But the biggest suggestion I could make to help you would be to suggest that you change either the domain name, or your whole business model.

I say this because you have a great domain name, MyDietingResource.com but your offer does not live up to the promise of it.

So either change the offer to match what one would naturally think of when they hear the words "my dieting resource", or change the domain name to better match what you are currently offering "interviews with fitness experts".

When I think of "My Dieting Resource", my first thought is that I will have access to tools, a searchable database of information, informative articles, accountability partners, support groups, etc. In short, I expect to have a real resource I can turn to again and again to get quick answers and back on track with my diet.

I do NOT expect to be sold a bunch of "me too" interviews from people I have never heard of, telling me things I either think I already know, or could easily get from a few searches on the web, or talking with the folks at the local health food store.

What if you took the information included in the interviews and created a truly useful product package?

What if instead of saying things like "How to develop your weight loss 'game plan'." you took that section of the interview and turned it into a questionnaire that one could fill out online and have their "game plan" automatically generated for them?

What if you posted those "tools to attack and overcome any obstacle" and " key systems that will lead you to succes" inside a membership site that one could access again, and again any time they needed the help?

What if "that Expert took you by the hand and showed you step-by-step exactly what you need to do" in the form of a flow chart or checklist that could be used whenever the member got stuck?

What if you gave away some of the information that enables people to solve their most pressing problems in this area, and then charged them for access to the tools that you know they'll need to effectively implement that info?

What if you had a forum where members could post their own stories and hold each other accountable, and gave each other real world tips to reach the success they are all dreaming of?

My guess is that if you offered these kinds of things, then it really would seem to be a true RESOURCE for dieters, and your copy would be much, much easier to write.

Plus, you would be able to generate a lot more profits because there are multiple revenue streams available with membership sites, whereas there are not as many with just an interview package.



On the other hand, if you just want to talk about your copy, I would suggest that you put the info about the interviewees, and the testimonials in a sidebar. They are much too distracting where they are and actually detract from the momentum you have going rather than help it.


Actually answer 1-3 of the most important questions you raise so that people can get a feel for they type of information they will get from you and your experts. You don't lose anything by doing so, rather you gain credibility as it will set your readers up psychologically to want to know more. Reciprocity and curiosity in action. They'll think "Wow! If this guy is willing to give away information this good for free to total strangers, he must have even better info on the inside, so I'd better take him up on his offer in order to find out what it is.!"

Then make it very easy for them to buy.

Tell them exactly what they are getting.

You don't mention that I noticed what format those interviews are in, or exactly what one would be getting for their money, nor do you even say how much it is.

You also want to add a "Buy Now" button because the link just gets lost visually and the result is that you make it harder for someone to buy rather than easy.


Hope these suggestions help.

Jim it convinced me.

I nearly bought the product.

Hello Jim,

It's far better compared to most submissions here.

Here's my quick review:
- The headline is good, however, it doesn't really shocks or captures my attention. You could play around with it. Something around the lines of "How a weird science discovery can help you lose 15 pounds ..." or whatever benefit.

- The subhead is a little too specific. For example, you could say "You have tried a few things" instead of "tried everything".

- Remember them that it's not their fault.

- Use a feature - benefit - emotional benefit / teaser bullet structure.

- Break down the paragraphs into smaller one. It's somehow difficult to read.

- Transform your guarantee into a hard one (if you don't lose at least 5 pounds, then ...)

There are a little few more things you could improve, but overall, it looks good.

However, as with most critiques, I don't know the market research or if the theme / main appeal is right. If that's off the spot, most the letter won't work.

Good luck,
Razvan