So I Got This in My Mailbox...

I'm detecting a certain lack of referential reverence and subjugational swooning ...

Naaah. Must be my imagination.

(with apologies to Bill Brasky)

You saw Frank Kern? I know Frank Kern...

"Frank Kern is a son of a bitch!"

"Frank Kern is the father of every noobie in this forum!"

"One time I was with Kern in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Kern goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Frank Kern! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'FranKorn' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

"He'd eat a Warrior newbie if you dared him!"

"His emails are used as currency in Argentina."

"He sweats Gatorade"

"He once breast-fed a stranded dolphin back to health."

"He hated Copywriters! And he was half Copywriter! .......And he hated irony!"

"I once saw him scissor kick Lorrie Morgan Ferrero"

"He sheds his skin once a year."

"He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia."

"He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this long blond haired Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Kern!"

"I once saw him eat a whole iPad."

"He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Kern took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Kern takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Kern yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em! But only AFTER you get the opt-in'"

"He once broke in to Google to steal the search algorithm. And he got it"

"He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie."

"He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault."

"Kern drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer marketing.'"

"They say Allen Says got the idea for the Warrior Forum from listening to Kern talk in his sleep."

"He date raped Mike Filsaime."

"He once inhaled a seagull."

"The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress."

"It was the sight of Kern's naked body that drove Jason Moffatt insane."

"He once had sex with a cigarette machine."

"He uses the Shroud of Turin as a beach towel."

"He once ate the Bible while surfing."

"He drives a Porsche covered in newbie skulls."

"You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!"

"His first name is Frank! ....... I'm drunk."

"He's a 6 foot tall hippy who showers in Modello and feeds his baby shrimp scampi."

"He orchestrated the merger between Google and Youtube."

"He went public with his own hair and made $7 million."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Kern went hunting? Kern decides he's going to hunt down the Top 10 posters of the Warrior Forum. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Wagenheim."

"We once had a bachelor party for Kern. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Kern once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Yanik Silver"

"Kern once got his wife pregnant and she gave birth to a Wordpress blog. The after birth was SEO plugins."

"Kern's family crest is a picture of a great white eating Bill Gates."

"Kern ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool."

"He breastfeeds John Reese."

"Kern named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Kern's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Surfin USA.'"

"Kern's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'"

"Kern still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to JV with him."

"He framed Roger Rabbit."

It's not my style either. But here's the truth: they don't care if you don't come back.

There's another ten coming in behind you, who'll buy from that stuff all day long.

It's a production line.