Sales Page Critique please?

15 replies
Hi Warriors

Would anyone be kind enough to critique my sales page at

Think and Grow Thin: How To Finally Lose Weight For Once And For All Using The Secret To Lasting Weight Loss That The Diet Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know About

Although I've written for years (fiction and non-fiction), I'm fairly new to 'copywriting' and would appreciate any help you more experienced guys and gals can offer

Thanks in advance,

Katie
#critique #page #sales
  • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
    I'm pretty new to copywriting, but here are my concerns.

    Your headline screams...Bull****. People aren't that dumb. I mean..they are. But...why wouldn't the weight loss industry want me to know? Who IS the weight loss industry? I don't stay up at night wondering about the weight loss industry.

    I stay up at night wondering if my boyfriend will still want to **** me next week.

    I want someone to say, "Hey. I lost this weight. Now my boyfriend wants to **** me again. Now my ass looks good.

    Your checklist of the things you have tried, looks exactly the same as the benefits. Therefore I associate the two.

    There is zero emotion. It's all logic.

    Women are EMOTIONAL creatures.

    Your grammar is good though.
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  • Profile picture of the author amo992
    Pick something shorter and more memorable for the title--a single idea or theme. I suggest that you use the title only to establish authority because people are skeptical of scarcity especially in weight-loss.

    Shorten the first list down to three and make them vague yet pertinent questions that you assure that your product will answer. Better yet, make it about happiness.

    I suggest that you change your third list to paragraphs.
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Katie,

      It blends in with so many other offers in your market.

      That's bad.

      If you truly know something about weight loss
      that hasn't been told before, then you are on to a winner.

      Your market will be intrigued by an "untold story", mixed
      in with "they don't want you to know".

      News media loves stories like that too.

      Have you got something valuable which hasn't been
      written about before?

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author jikanv
    Facts tell, Story Sell. I see the headline a bit long cut the first half out, leave the second. "The secret to lasting............ .
    You are trying to make too many points. -check mark upon check mark-. Tell a story with some facts.
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  • Profile picture of the author KatieWilliams
    Thank you ALL for your opinions, really appreciate the feedback.

    The product is good quality, it's basically my offline consultation/speaking programme in a different format so I know it works and gets great results... I've been giving it out to clients offline for a few months and the feedback is great.

    The copywriting, that's a new area for me and I'm trying to learn fast!

    This page is actually put together following Marlon Sanders' 12 step formula that I found a reference to on here, I believe.

    My GUT instinct is that it is too *sales letter*-ish, but it seems like that's the way you have to play the game? The writing isn't my style... maybe not being authentic is limiting me.

    I can definitely tell stories instead of all the bullets - I would LOVE to actually!

    Back to the drawing (well, writing...) board :-)

    Katie
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    Katie

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    • Profile picture of the author Collette
      Originally Posted by KatieWilliams View Post

      ...The product is good quality, it's basically my offline consultation/speaking programme in a different format so I know it works and gets great results... I've been giving it out to clients offline for a few months and the feedback is great.

      ...My GUT instinct is that it is too *sales letter*-ish, but it seems like that's the way you have to play the game? The writing isn't my style... maybe not being authentic is limiting me.

      I can definitely tell stories instead of all the bullets - I would LOVE to actually!

      ...
      Katie
      Not being authentic will always limit you.

      Stories are powerful selling tools. Look up "Wall St. Journal letter". One of the best-selling sales letters of all time. Tells a story to a crowd of fact-lovers and sells them on the ephemeral benefits of getting the product.

      Please do NOT copy the WSJ letter word-for-word. It's been ripped off so many times, it's a cliche. Rather, look at HOW the letter is constructed, how the reader is guided from a story to a buying decision, and use the letter as an outline template to guide you.

      Then, imagine you are having coffee with a friend who is upset that she can't lose weight. You listen to her tale of woe, and you know EXACTLY how to help SOLVE HER PROBLEM.

      What would you say to her? How would you say it? (hint: it wouldn't sound anything like your present letter, would it?)

      Lock the door. Turn off the phone. Write to your friend as though she can hear every word. Do this in one sitting. Do not edit. This is your rough draft.

      Remember: Be authentic. Talk to the reader as you would to a friend. Seek to help, rather than sell.
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      • Profile picture of the author ProfessionalCopy
        Originally Posted by Collette View Post

        Not being authentic will always limit you.

        Stories are powerful selling tools. Look up "Wall St. Journal letter". One of the best-selling sales letters of all time. Tells a story to a crowd of fact-lovers and sells them on the ephemeral benefits of getting the product.

        Please do NOT copy the WSJ letter word-for-word. It's been ripped off so many times, it's a cliche. Rather, look at HOW the letter is constructed, how the reader is guided from a story to a buying decision, and use the letter as an outline template to guide you.

        Then, imagine you are having coffee with a friend who is upset that she can't lose weight. You listen to her tale of woe, and you know EXACTLY how to help SOLVE HER PROBLEM.

        What would you say to her? How would you say it? (hint: it wouldn't sound anything like your present letter, would it?)

        Lock the door. Turn off the phone. Write to your friend as though she can hear every word. Do this in one sitting. Do not edit. This is your rough draft.

        Remember: Be authentic. Talk to the reader as you would to a friend. Seek to help, rather than sell.
        Hi Collette, I´m new in copywriting but I really see your point. I have just read the letter and it is quite inspiring! I must admit I would have never thought in associating so diferent ideas that way. Are there any other advices that you can give to a copywriter to be? I would really appreciate it
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  • Profile picture of the author toyraja101
    i have years of experience in this writing and u can give work to me , i m able to complete it by 24 hours.....
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  • Profile picture of the author ivanadee
    First, you need to revise your letter
    Have you seen the advertising letter (of WSO) in front of our discussion?
    interesting?
    that's what I mean.
    About the headline....
    it's a bit too long and make visitors lose their focus
    get more details and short. Use something in details like : lose weight in 5 weeks guaranteed...
    To me, it will be great if you show the failure first
    (the sentence of "if you have tried"..)
    it will attract them
    and finally...
    testimonial will be very great for conversion
    wish u all d best
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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Hi Katie,

      Another option is to target your reader.

      An example would be, brides-to-be.

      Losing the flab to look fabulous on the most important day of her life,
      and date set...all creates burning pressure to have it resolved.

      Bingo, you have her answer!

      ---------------------------------------------------------
      Fat fiancée to fabulous bride tells..
      "If You Only Have A few Short Weeks
      To Lose The Flab Before Your Wedding,
      Then This Will Be The Most Important Message You Ever Read
      ... And Here's Why...

      To soon-to-be fabulous bride,
      -----------------------------------------------------------

      Another push in the right direction.

      Best,
      Ewen
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  • Profile picture of the author TheCopyGirl
    A few quick, practical points, not so much regarding the writing, but the other stuff.

    - The images convey zero credibility to me - looks like stock photographs that have been pulled up for the letter. At least a before/after pic of someone with a testimonial below it is marginally more convincing. A natural picture of yourself (since I am supposed to believe that you are a leading nutritionist) would be useful.

    - Inconsistent font size is bothersome. The font size on the lists is too small compared to the rest of the text, and I am not sure I see the rationale behind that.

    - All the text is centered, and that doesn't create the right effect for me either. Please left align or justify.

    - You say your product is worth hundreds of $$$, and go on to say "We don’t want to rip you off". This makes little sense to me - if you believe in the value of your product, then charging $$$ for it isn't a rip-off, at least should be in your opinion, right? Felt like a Freudian giveaway there Try something to the effect of "but we want to give you a great deal, because we happen to be cool people" (obviously not verbatim, but you get the idea!)

    - Use the Blecher button instead of the bland buy-now button. Even if you had a rocking letter, that button at the end would throw me off It doesn't have the call-to-action feel at all (at least for me).

    That's it for now, and I hope this helps! Good luck with revisions
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  • Profile picture of the author KatieWilliams
    Thank you all!

    I am working on changing the page this evening, and will post when I have done.. LOVE the brides idea, thanks for that.

    Katie
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    Katie

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  • Profile picture of the author KatieWilliams
    Again, thank you all for your help with this - I do really appreciate the time you have taken to help a little old newbie like me!

    I have rewritten the page - it needs some formatting, but does anyone fancy looking at this rewrite and giving feedback on the content?

    Think and Grow Thin: Think and Grow Thin: The Secret System For Lasting Weight Loss

    Thanks so much,
    Katie
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    Katie

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    • Profile picture of the author ARSuarez
      Hi Katie,

      The headline and deck are still terrible, so I'll comment there. If people don't get passed the headline and deck, they'll never get to the lead and body copy. Here we go:

      "Think and Grow Thin" is a killer. Nobody is going to believe it, and it is going to instantly kill the very little (or non-existent) credibility you have. It's insulting to their intelligence. A phrase like that will work after you've told them the story. Once they understand how the product came to be... then they're much more willing to believe a phrase like that.

      I think you're trying to use the mechanism - by accident or design - to gain credibility. But this one doesn't communicate well for a highly skeptical market.

      For now, drop it.

      "The Secret System For Lasting Weigh Loss" is also weak. Every system for weight loss they've run into has been a secret.

      I think a better idea would be a testimonial-esque headline...
      "This Weight Loss System Took Ruby From A Bloated 295lbs...
      To A Slim 162"

      or even

      "If You Will Give Me 90 Days And Your Commitment... I'll Show You How To Melt Away 30 Pounds Without Exercising Or Flooding Your Body With Supplements."

      Personally, I think the testimonial headline is best. But you need to put more effort into tapping your prospect's emotions.

      As for the deck copy...

      This incredible system is NOT dieting... it's NOT intense hours of muscle agonizing exercise... It's NOT swallowing a truck load of dietary supplements... But it IS guaranteed to help you lose at least X pounds in X days!

      Also build more credibility in. Maybe use your lead-in (italic copy right above the headline) to state some of your success and who you are.

      Anyway, hope this helps.

      Best,

      Angel
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