Expertise Needed: This noob wrote a sales page

Derek,

Use bullet points in the 13 statements after "you'll discover ...".

Skimmers read bullets.

Alex

I'm in no way a copywriting pro, but here are my views.

Your headline is way too wordy, 45 words! I think you would have lost most people there. If you really have so much to say, then have a short and punchy headline that conveys the biggest benefit, and then a sub headline which adds on to it. And, if you start with open inverted commas, then close with inverted commas too.

There's another part, "So let's cut to the chase... " There's no point to bold 63 words, it's hard to read.

Oh, and the first four words, "Fiver, Tenbux, Zeerk, Gigbucks", I don't know what that is, well, maybe I'm ignorant, but since I don't know, then there must be others who are as ignorant as me. You should try using more laymen terms, or maybe briefly educate people (who might be your potential customers) on what the subject matter is.

Cheers

Your headline is way too long. It also looks like you're assuming that everyone knows what 'fiverr and other gig sites' are. To do this right you'd have a short paragraph or two right up front explaining what they are and how noobs and other marketers might use them to generate income. The rest of it reads like a million other online opportunities. Consider hiring someone with copywriting skills. Good luck.

I agree with the general opinion that the headline is too long. Here's a quick rewrite attempt:


(I know it's about $5 gigs and not 5-minute gigs, but the general idea is that these are fairly quick tasks. If 5 mins is unrealistic, replace it with half an hour or whatever. You can also experiment with replacing experience with expertise.)

Like @travlinguy said, drop the assumption that your reader knows about these websites. I feel that the list of 13 points (even after you make it a bulleted list) is rather long, perhaps you can categorize it and put explanatory paras in between. I can perhaps illustrate this if you are keen.

Your subheadline is also somewhat long. Shorter, snappier and more frequent subheads would be my recommendation.

Your letter also lacks a story. One about how you or your friend was frustrated that they couldn't do much on the net because they felt handicapped by the lack of skill, and how they stumbled on this wonderful world of $5 gigs that were simple, routine and idiot-proof to execute... you get the drift

Hope this helps!

Never say "learn" - it implies work. Say "discover".

It's a good effort for someone who's never done this before. But...there's too much sh*t on that page. Get the scalpel out. Starting with the headline.

Why not go with a classic Gary Halbert opener? Or a variation of. "If [deep pain or desire] then this will be the most important message you ever read. And here's why..."

So you might have -

"Dude...if you're trying to make money from Fiverr gigs then this will be the most important message you ever read. No kidding. Here's why...

Get rid of that "Set me free Internet marketing" malarky at the top of the page.

Consider re-naming it. "Fortune Fiverr Hundred" is just plain cheesy.

I don't think you need the guarantee or even the Bonuses. It's a $7 product for crying out loud.

You say this before asking for the money - "So What Will It Be?"

The answer in a lot of cases I suspect will be for the reader to click off.

Then after the order button you have this horrible line -
(...we come over to your house and beat the crap out of you)



You also need to re-write the body copy - someone else might help you with that. Lighten it up. You're trying too hard.

cheers,

Mal

Hi guys - heres a novel sales page - might give you some ideas- Check it out hihihihi

clickhereyouidiot.com

thanks for the help, everyone. You guys rule!