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Rip Apart My First Sales Page....

by JeffMitchell
11 replies
Hey guys, I just wrote my first sales page.

Honestly, I think for a first time sales page it is pretty good.

I would love to have some feedback about whatever!!!!

I am able to take the hardest constructive criticism in the world to improve my game..

Here is the link... The Struggling Networker...

Let me know what you think.


Jeff Mitchell
#page #rip #sales
  • Profile picture of the author JeffMitchell
    Good thought.

    I will test that out.


    Actually i did not even give the link to the sales page....I only gave the link to the capture page which is not what I wanted.

    here is the sales page.

    http://Www.TheStrugglingNetworker.Com/training.html

    Thanks

    jeff mitchell
    Signature

    HELP NEEDED! My Mother And Her Brother have been taking care of the mother with the help of Hospice. He just had a Massive Heart Attack while taking a short vacation. My mother had to go to Florida from Indiana to be with her brother and is not financially stable from being off work to be with grandma. Any Help Would Be Appreciated. http://www.gofundme.com/vg5kt4c

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    • Profile picture of the author ewenmack
      Jeff,

      Your company name is far from ideal...The Struggling Networker LLC.

      A struggling networker, who wants to get better, surely
      wants to learn from a guy, who's got to where he wants to be?

      Can't comment on your second link because it isn't working.

      Best,
      Ewen
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    • Profile picture of the author Peter Soos
      Just a thought... as you read through your letter, ask yourself: where is this part leading and why should the customer care at that point. It seems like about 7 differant sales letters cobbled together...loss of focus at times.

      The part about selling rocks could go...and how did you help your wife with her sales problem, or did I miss that along the way? Find a theme to it and stick with it through out. Looks like you added every story you could think of and it kinda makes it disjointed reading. All that for $7? Really?

      Now before I go further I may add that your sales letter looks like the ones I write (which is why I hire them out...dr said it was bad for my nerves). Keep at it. Looks like about 1/3 of it could go and not hurt. Don't be afraid to prune it a bit and good luck...test, test, test.
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      • Profile picture of the author JeffMitchell
        Originally Posted by Peter Soos View Post

        Just a thought... as you read through your letter, ask yourself: where is this part leading and why should the customer care at that point. It seems like about 7 differant sales letters cobbled together...loss of focus at times.

        The part about selling rocks could go...and how did you help your wife with her sales problem, or did I miss that along the way? Find a theme to it and stick with it through out. Looks like you added every story you could think of and it kinda makes it disjointed reading. All that for $7? Really?

        Now before I go further I may add that your sales letter looks like the ones I write (which is why I hire them out...dr said it was bad for my nerves). Keep at it. Looks like about 1/3 of it could go and not hurt. Don't be afraid to prune it a bit and good luck...test, test, test.
        Thank Peter... First shot.. neeeded some input..
        _j
        Signature

        HELP NEEDED! My Mother And Her Brother have been taking care of the mother with the help of Hospice. He just had a Massive Heart Attack while taking a short vacation. My mother had to go to Florida from Indiana to be with her brother and is not financially stable from being off work to be with grandma. Any Help Would Be Appreciated. http://www.gofundme.com/vg5kt4c

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  • Profile picture of the author Ross James
    Kind of like the group - the center for retardation. I wonder how many people they retard.

    Or center for battered woman - I wonder sometimes. I do. Glad I'm not the only one.

    Sorry this isn't a critique.
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  • Profile picture of the author JeffMitchell
    Originally Posted by gamerseo View Post

    Before I rip your page apart please know I am not being mean. I commend you for having
    the guts to ask a bunch of marketing guys to rip you a new one...

    So here it is...

    1st yes thats way to generic! Your video should autostart and not be a youtube video
    embed with flash or something.

    2nd you don't look like your successful,(please don't think I am being mean)
    I am not saying you don't know what your talking about. I am saying there is
    no confidence in it. There is no hype,there is no story, you have zero credibiity with
    your audience and you must build it right away. If you are in network marketing
    you need to have your team right there behind you. Dress in a shirt and tie or something
    really nice. Make your background look the part or get a green screen.

    Your video does not convince me of anything. You don't seem happy in it...
    Successful people smile, they have humor etc, the best mlm recruiters have that
    magnetic personallity....You have to convey it. I must believe you!

    you need to dress the part, show
    vacation pictures, show off a check you got..
    Something that makes me want to know you.

    Your domain name is not attractive, the name of your video
    is capture page, it should be something like
    make more money now or my secrets to winning
    in life. The arrows on free access now are cut off
    in google chrome. You did not offer a gift for them
    to sign up. Sign up now and I will send you my free
    report called "21 days to mlm success" If nobody
    else is going to tell them your info be cocky
    about it. I am all you have... nobody I mean nobody
    is going to tell you this!
    Thanks Gamer SEO,
    but That is not even what I asked at this post.. I wanted sales page reviews. Not capture page reviews. The capture is actually producing an 11% opt-in and that video absolutely sucks...The video was meant fo r nothing but a short place holder. but no, I won't dress in a suit and tie and flash around a bunch of "stuff" .. really not my style..The product is a need in the market. I will do it that way.

    Jeff
    Signature

    HELP NEEDED! My Mother And Her Brother have been taking care of the mother with the help of Hospice. He just had a Massive Heart Attack while taking a short vacation. My mother had to go to Florida from Indiana to be with her brother and is not financially stable from being off work to be with grandma. Any Help Would Be Appreciated. http://www.gofundme.com/vg5kt4c

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    • Profile picture of the author scrofford
      Originally Posted by JeffMitchell View Post

      Thanks Gamer SEO,
      but That is not even what I asked at this post.. I wanted sales page reviews. Not capture page reviews. The capture is actually producing an 11% opt-in and that video absolutely sucks...The video was meant fo r nothing but a short place holder. but no, I won't dress in a suit and tie and flash around a bunch of "stuff" .. really not my style..The product is a need in the market. I will do it that way.

      Jeff
      It's funny how someone will come here and ask for a critique and then when they don't like what they hear, defend it to the max! OP don't you think that by improving the opt-in you could go above 11% if that's where you are at now by taking a little friendly advice?

      I have been in MLM before and you have to dress the part. Your video doesn't portray ANYTHING I would want to be and it doesn't move me to even want to try. I mean, how am I supposed to know you are successful? You are going to tell me how to be successful? Why would I believe that with the video you have going on? I think not.
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      • Profile picture of the author Aemilia
        you asked for a review, you got! Take a look at other sales page and do your research. Its ok to be unique and sincere. But your aim is to make money? Be professional and instill confidence! Be analytical of your work and always test. Test...test... For customer appeal!
        Wish you luck!
        Signature
        Coming soon
        The only limitation in life is your lack of determination and imagination
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        • Profile picture of the author Sebastion
          I think the copy is ok...

          But I see an obese man in his basement with no windows and I close the page.

          I'm sorry if that is harsh.

          I want to be rich. WHO ARE YOU?

          People LOVE gurus.
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  • Profile picture of the author Kierkegaard
    You don't have to wear a suit but you DO need to look successful. Your home office may be a really nice place when you're actually standing in it but on video it looks like you're stuck in a small basement somewhere.

    People who are potentially your customers are stuck in basement somewhere and want to get out.
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